[Enneagram Type 4] Expecting Love In Return

Expecting Love In Return

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This is a discussion on Expecting Love In Return within the Type 4 Forum - The Individualist forums, part of the Heart Triad - Types 2,3,4 category; I've become aware of a cycle within myself resulting from all my soul searching. When I grow especially attached to ...

  1. #1
    Type 4w3

    Expecting Love In Return

    I've become aware of a cycle within myself resulting from all my soul searching. When I grow especially attached to people I try, or wish, to display how special I think they are through special attentiveness and flexibility. I could go out on a death-defying limb for the people I claim love for. I've started to notice that I continue with my attentiveness and flexibility and forget myself. That is, I expect to be needed instead of being there for my loved ones in case I'm needed. As stated in the title, it is as if I expect love in return. How selfish, right? I had to catch myself in this. It was so subtle but caused me so much pain when I wasn't needed like I thought I'd be.

    My instinctual variants play an interesting role in this, I can tell. The SOCial likes to reinforce supreme bonds and best friendships, and belong. The SeXual likes intensity in one-to-one encounters. I guess I pick out exceptional people and cling to them hoping they cling back. It comes off as piteous. To my credit, the chosen have been good friends before I zeroed in on them. I have this way of seeing someone's nature and adoring them for it, unconditionally (but it's very rare). I know I really want the people I've chosen to be happy more than anything else, so I've thought on this extensively. Anyone get me? If so, it burns, right?
    Alaiyo Sakuri and ImminentThunder thanked this post.



  2. #2
    Type 4

    I feel the same way about people and get very attached to people I adore, trying to make them happy almost at any cost. Sometimes the results are good and sometimes they aren't. Maybe it's because we both have sx second? Supposedly the second variant is the one that comes most naturally, with the first variant the one we focus on most (self-preservation for me).

  3. #3
    Type 4w3

    Quote Originally Posted by unico View Post
    I feel the same way about people and get very attached to people I adore, trying to make them happy almost at any cost. Sometimes the results are good and sometimes they aren't. Maybe it's because we both have sx second? Supposedly the second variant is the one that comes most naturally, with the first variant the one we focus on most (self-preservation for me).
    Thanks, Unico! Was waiting for a hand in this. Ah, yes. I think I recall reading that: the 2nd variant feeling most natural and the 1st being one's main focus. So our tendencies (what comes naturally) are alike then, if it is true. How does your Self-Pres make you differ from me in this context of loving others? How does the conflict of it all affect you and your feelings?
    unico thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    Type 5w4


    Quote Originally Posted by Le9acyMuse View Post
    I've become aware of a cycle within myself resulting from all my soul searching. When I grow especially attached to people I try, or wish, to display how special I think they are through special attentiveness and flexibility. I could go out on a death-defying limb for the people I claim love for. I've started to notice that I continue with my attentiveness and flexibility and forget myself. That is, I expect to be needed instead of being there for my loved ones in case I'm needed. As stated in the title, it is as if I expect love in return. How selfish, right? I had to catch myself in this. It was so subtle but caused me so much pain when I wasn't needed like I thought I'd be.

    My instinctual variants play an interesting role in this, I can tell. The SOCial likes to reinforce supreme bonds and best friendships, and belong. The SeXual likes intensity in one-to-one encounters. I guess I pick out exceptional people and cling to them hoping they cling back. It comes off as piteous. To my credit, the chosen have been good friends before I zeroed in on them. I have this way of seeing someone's nature and adoring them for it, unconditionally (but it's very rare). I know I really want the people I've chosen to be happy more than anything else, so I've thought on this extensively. Anyone get me? If so, it burns, right?
    The bolded is the only thing I relate to. I'm sp/sx.

    Maybe @unico 's relatedness has more to do with w3 and the 469 tritype than instincts.
    unico thanked this post.

  6. #5
    Type 4

    Quote Originally Posted by Le9acyMuse View Post
    Thanks, Unico! Was waiting for a hand in this. Ah, yes. I think I recall reading that: the 2nd variant feeling most natural and the 1st being one's main focus. So our tendencies (what comes naturally) are alike then, if it is true. How does your Self-Pres make you differ from me in this context of loving others? How does the conflict of it all affect you and your feelings?
    If I recall you are a 4w3-6w7-9w1 like I am, correct? If so, that would have to be discounted in our differences. Self-preservation makes me a homebody who prefers her intimates to come to me and not to ruin my inner peace and calm environment. I desperately want close relationships and pursue them, clinging to people easily, but I also want them to fit into my life as it already exists. I have made my home and my life a comfortable place and I don't want that interrupted. I can be torn between throwing myself into relationships and needing to withdraw a bit to safety and comfort. I don't handle relationship problems well at all. My world feels upside down. I get very needy and try to get people not to leave me. At that point they have already become a part of my comfortable life. I hope that makes sense!
    Le9acyMuse thanked this post.

  7. #6
    Type 6w7

    I know this nefarious habit and have washed myself of it after it finally provided enough pain. I'd like to be able to do it, but in a more balanced way that is more difficult to abuse.

  8. #7
    Type 6w5

    I had been talking about this with a Type 4 a couple of months back, but does this sound familiar?
    (1) No one understands me, I'm different because of [insert individual Type 4's perception of their own uniqueness].
    (2) Holy crap! You understand me! (Note this is usually an illogical and ill-conceived assumption based of something minor like - you're spending more time with me, no one would do that if they don't get me!)
    (3) You must be different like me.
    (4) Wait, why don't you care about me the same way I care about you? You have to! We're . . . different. Different people . . . have to be together?
    (5) Okay . . . goodbye then. Argh! Rinse and repeat.

    * Then how many Type 4s think this process is unique to themselves when it's likely endemic to all humanity because, let's face it, we all need human interaction and caring.
    Last edited by Darkstar; 02-08-2012 at 09:18 AM.
    Alaiyo Sakuri, sodden, unico and 1 others thanked this post.

  9. #8
    Type 4

    Quote Originally Posted by Darkstar View Post
    I had been talking about this with a Type 4 a couple of months back, but does this sound familiar?
    (1) No one understands me, I'm different because of [insert individual Type 4's perception of their own uniqueness].
    (2) Holy crap! You understand me! (Note this is usually an illogical and ill-conceived assumption based of something minor like - you're spending more time with me, no one would do that if they don't get me!)
    (3) You must be different like me.
    (4) Wait, why don't you care about me the same way I care about you? You have too! We're . . . different. Different people . . . have to be together?
    (5) Okay . . . goodbye then. Argh! Rinse and repeat.

    * Then how many Type 4s think this process is unique to themselves when it's likely endemic to all humanity because, let's face it, we all need human interaction and caring.
    Kind of... But I rarely say "goodbye" without a fight. I hate losing people:(
    Alaiyo Sakuri, sodden, perfectcircle and 2 others thanked this post.

  10. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by Darkstar View Post
    I had been talking about this with a Type 4 a couple of months back, but does this sound familiar?
    (1) No one understands me, I'm different because of [insert individual Type 4's perception of their own uniqueness].
    (2) Holy crap! You understand me! (Note this is usually an illogical and ill-conceived assumption based of something minor like - you're spending more time with me, no one would do that if they don't get me!)
    (3) You must be different like me.
    (4) Wait, why don't you care about me the same way I care about you? You have too! We're . . . different. Different people . . . have to be together?
    (5) Okay . . . goodbye then. Argh! Rinse and repeat.

    * Then how many Type 4s think this process is unique to themselves when it's likely endemic to all humanity because, let's face it, we all need human interaction and caring.
    Wow. That's exactly what happens to me. Then, it turns out they don't really understand me, and I become disillusioned and unhappy.

    @Le9acyMuse , I do that as well. I don't necessarily get attached easily, but once I am attached I want to be the person that they always look to when they need help.

    That is, I expect to be needed instead of being there for my loved ones in case I'm needed. As stated in the title, it is as if I expect love in return.
    Yes...definitely.
    unico and Darkstar thanked this post.

  11. #10

    I do the same thing, and hey, so/sx here.

    I "select" people and give them everything, emotional attention, my time, my loyalty, and trust. I try really hard to facillitate these bonds, maybe too hard, maybe trying to put myself in the "best friend" position.
    If they forget me, move on to someone else, don't include me, or are not there for me like I am there for them, I am sad but also really angry! I feel like I've been betrayed. I feel like everyone is a waste of time and I can't trust anyone. I also get angry when they have other friends who "usurp" my position. I am really competitive with my friends!! They may not even be aware of it, because to show that side of me is detirmental to the goal--- being the one they love the most and will never get rid of!

    This may be four going to two as well??

    anyways, it doesn't work, really, people just want someone to have fun with. Wish I was more fun. :-/
    unico and ImminentThunder thanked this post.


     
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