[Enneagram Type 5] Advice for a 4 who likes a 5

Advice for a 4 who likes a 5

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  • 1 Post By VoicesOfSpring
  • 1 Post By Sengai
  • 1 Post By gwnmcqg

This is a discussion on Advice for a 4 who likes a 5 within the Type 5 Forum - The Investigator forums, part of the Head Triad - Types 5,6,7 category; Hi 5's, I need your help. This last weekend I spent some time at a mountain retreat with some friends. ...

  1. #1

    Advice for a 4 who likes a 5

    Hi 5's, I need your help.

    This last weekend I spent some time at a mountain retreat with some friends. While there I met and instantly clicked with a 5. We hit it off so quickly we went on a long hike just the two of us the next day. We both are very sarcastic and enjoyed exploring together. On the way there, we had such invigorating conversation and it felt really natural and easy to talk to him. Once we got there, we sat next to a lake, touching arms and not talking, just taking in the views and air and animals and everything. The evening after we got back, he asked if I would go look at the stars with him, so we snuck out at about 11 and took blankets to the top of a hill just outside of the retreat buildings and lay under the stars for an hour and a half. On the way back he put his arm around me and then he walked me back to the building where I was sleeping. When we got there, I gave him a hug and went inside. The next day we talked a little bit and got a picture together, but mostly didn't hang out at all. While we were leaving the retreat I got his snapchat.

    So now, we've been snapping for the last week. It's hard because he lives 140 miles away but there is a small chance we could see each other over the summer if we tried. We both are also going to different colleges next year. Sometimes while we're snapping, he'll leave me on read for 4-6 hours at a time, sometimes going up to 12 hours. I know he's busy, but as a four this shocked me. I always snap people back right away because I'm so affectionate. But I really care about him and this so I did my research and started to understand why he does this. Now, I don't mind so much that he does this, and I'm working on being less clingy and emotional in my snaps so he doesn't get overwhelmed.

    So here's my question: if we want to see each other over the summer or ever, we will have to be intentional about planning time to see each other. I am very open to the idea and am trying to figure out a way to talk to him about it. I was thinking of just being honest and laying it all out on the table for him (like send a long text kind of thing) but I was reading on this forum about how 5's don't like situations where they feel probed and I don't want to catch him off guard with it so he gets scared and retreats and shuts down. 5's, what kind of approach to this would be best? How can I get him to be honest about how he feels? I am willing to wait as long as he needs for this, as our connection was something I haven't found with anyone else. Also, do you guys have any ideas as to how I can let him know that if he's vulnerable with me I won't leave or break his heart or anything? I really don't want to mess this up.

    He's an SO 5 and an ISTP if that helps. Thank you guys so so much in advance.



  2. #2

    Just enjoy your time with him without having a certain goal in mind and don't assume that he isn't honest with his feelings (you are projecting your own feelings here).
    Good luck.

  3. #3
    Type 5w4

    @gwnmcqg

    Thank's for sharing this sweet story and for your request.

    I of course understand that you "really don't want to mess this up". I also would have a lot of fear around opening up about my needs and wants in a starting romantic situation with someone I liked so much.

    However, I sense so much fear driven reasoning in your post that instead of feeling interested in explaining a bit more about how I personally experience fours and what I love about them and where I learned to keep my distance when their not too healthy, I feel attempted to share the story of the Tibetan warrior who goes into the battle with fear and as a first thing she asks the fear how it is possible to conquer it.

    But I don't know... would you be interested in that story too? : )

    Because I believe that when it comes to romantic relationships you cannot really mess them up because either you fall in love with each other or you don't. I don't think that this is something that one can mess up. I rather think that from the point where you are committed and the idealizations of the other person that go along with being in love head over heels start fading is the point where you can bring care and respect to yourself and the other person or you are not able to do so, simply depending from your care and respect for yourself I believe and your communcation skills and knowledge and experience in relationships.

    Falling in love with someone is so much a buying in in all your unconscious relationship beliefs and patterns actually that you cannot really stay on top of the turbulent waters of thinking and clinging and feeling that it brings up. I know exactly that I would be lost myself very much in obsessing about every step I take in the procedure of hopefully getting closer to what I long for but the thing is that we never have less freedom to chose how to behave in a releationship than when we are falling for someone.

    So my advice was just to procede in a way you feel comfortable with and most importantly focus on being connected and true to yourself in every step and as much as possible not on the result that you want to achieve. Because this is the most important thing. That you love and respect yourself just the way you are and act from that perspective. You are worthy of love, Sweetheart. And if it won't work out with that sweet guy it's just because you weren't thought to come together, totally impersonal reasons in my view.

    I am not sure if this is a help for you at all... I'll finish here with the statement that I think that you have a good Enneagram cards for your endeavour because I think that fives (with the four wing) generally are very interested in fours because they share an interest in a certain depth in everything. And fours are next to other fives I believe the most helpful people to help fives to grow because when they're a bit experienced they can help fives getting into their emotions what is very important for them to stay connected to their full experience.
    gwnmcqg thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    Type 5w4

    Quote Originally Posted by gwnmcqg View Post
    So here's my question: if we want to see each other over the summer or ever, we will have to be intentional about planning time to see each other.
    Lose the 'we' talk/thinking. When it feels right, tell him "I'd like to see you this summer" and see what he says (no long text required).

    I am very open to the idea and am trying to figure out a way to talk to him about it. I was thinking of just being honest and laying it all out on the table for him (like send a long text kind of thing) but I was reading on this forum about how 5's don't like situations where they feel probed and I don't want to catch him off guard with it so he gets scared and retreats and shuts down. 5's, what kind of approach to this would be best?
    Overall the best approach is to give it time, let the relationship build naturally -- just be cool like you were that day you spent together in silence enjoying nature with your arms touching. Focus more on the enjoying & building and less on a predetermined outcome.

    How can I get him to be honest about how he feels?
    He's already showing you how he feels.

    I am willing to wait as long as he needs for this, as our connection was something I haven't found with anyone else.
    If a 4 can tolerate the 'distant'/'colder' 5 emotionally, it can be a great match (assuming your enneagram instincts line up reasonably well).

    Also, do you guys have any ideas as to how I can let him know that if he's vulnerable with me I won't leave or break his heart or anything?
    a) Show him you're willing to be vulnerable and b) keep showing up/build the relationship (trust is built over time). Don't rush/pressure him just bc you're feeling anxious/eager.

    Fwiw in my experience ISTPs are more a show-in-behaviors than talking type, so add the 5 factor and yeah, this is a show up, do your part and wait to see situation. Give him time to 'observe' you.

    Instead of stressing over how long it takes for him to reply (5s are notoriously bad at this), watch for changes over time: more depth or affection in his messages or higher frequency of messages or higher reliability (if someone can get me to routinely reply over a long period of time, keeping me out of my usual absent minded professor mode with them, that really says something).

  6. #5

    @Sengai

    I am crying reading this. You are entirely, wholeheartedly correct.

    This is one of the first times I've been emotionally involved with a guy who doesn't set demands for me to meet, like physical or emotional. I'm so used to relationships being about how I can make the other satisfied that I forgot that relationships are about two people: them AND me. Your comment smacked me in the face in the best way possible.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you! I already feel so much better about everything :) what's going to happen is going to happen, and if I accidentally sabotage the whole mess, then I know for next time.
    Sengai thanked this post.

  7. #6
    Type 5w4

    I am happy that my words came as such a fine support at a time where they were needed, @gwnmcqg

    It reminds me of the people who I can lean on when I am in need of help and are there to listen and acknowledge give some direction. So I am grateful too. : )


     

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