[Enneagram Type 9] Do You Have A Lot Of Conflicts With Others, Despite Being A 9?

Do You Have A Lot Of Conflicts With Others, Despite Being A 9?

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This is a discussion on Do You Have A Lot Of Conflicts With Others, Despite Being A 9? within the Type 9 Forum - The Peacemaker forums, part of the Body Triad - Types 8,9,1 category; ...

  1. #1

    Do You Have A Lot Of Conflicts With Others, Despite Being A 9?

    If yes, does that mean you’re not a 9.
    If no, do you think this is because you don’t like confrontation or do you think this is because you handle conflict in Avery diplomatic approach?



  2. #2
    Type 9w1


    I feel like conflict is actually more of a 6 issue than a 9 issue... you know, the question of, "Do I take action or don't I? Do I stand up for myself or do I comply?" I don't know what I would call the issue 9 has, though... It's more about feeling anger toward others yet repressing it in order to maintain a (very often false) sense of peace, to the point of feeling as though your anger doesn't matter. I think I might call it more "indifference" than "fear of conflict," personally. It's not a fear of truly losing the other so much as it is a feeling that they matter more than you do... at least that's how it feels for me. I often don't even realize just how angry I really am...in fact I usually don't...until it boils over or I literally become sick with it (I've got horrible stomach and intestinal problems for that reason... a manifestation of being a gut type, I suppose).

  3. #3

    Life is full of conflict, whether you show it or not.

    If someone walks on eggshells to avoid upsetting someone, it's still a conflict with that person. You both have differing ideas, and you take action to solve it—even though it's a passive and avoidant action. 9s tend to not confront conflict head-on, but it isn't from a lack of conflict. The symptoms of conflict are just unobservable. To me, any disruption of my peace is some kind of conflict.

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  5. #4
    Type 9w1

    For me, it's this sensation that I should be more mature than I am, more self-effacing than I am, more generous than I am... It's not that I mean to deny my feelings and hide from conflict. I just try to push myself to be a better person than I actually am, and paradoxically it's my effort to be kind that leads to me feeling undervalued and taken advantage of. And that anger does cause me to be passive-aggressive and moody, sometimes.

    So yeah, that's my story. I'm a 9, but I have plenty of conflicts. Other people just don't know about them, usually...

  6. #5
    Type 9

    I've noticed sometimes others will literally make the conflict for me, or mirror it at me. If it happens when I am not ready to handle it, I might get angry by mistake. Or I'll ignore. Other times I will address conflict. Sometimes you just have to.

  7. #6

    I have no idea what Psyche is talking about... Complying is more of a compliant type thing (1,2,6). I have a 9w8 friend that isn't afraid of conflict but she'd rather avoid it. If her nerve has been tested then she has to make sure that person learns not to mess with her again.
    EyesOpen thanked this post.

  8. #7
    Type 9w8

    Quote Originally Posted by WintersFlame View Post
    If yes, does that mean you’re not a 9.
    I'm argumentative in a way some can find contrary and there are a lot of non-9s in my life who are less inclined to debate issues than I, but I don't see it as conflict, it comes from interest and intellect, not emotion. An ENTP who doesn't thrive with debate is a sad ENTP =(

    If no, do you think this is because you don’t like confrontation or do you think this is because you handle conflict in Avery diplomatic approach?
    For 9s there's generally an element of both. Imo the former is inherently unhealthy, the latter depends on other factors.

    Disliking confrontation;
    Ask a non-9 if disagreeing/arguing with someone is the same as having an issue with that person and the answer would be no, they're separate things, ask a 9 if it feels that way to them and the answer can change, disagreeing can feel personal and has an underlying fear that it will lead to rejection, so the approach is one of avoiding, this is done through not holding strong opinions and ignoring needs.

    Conflict is not the fear, separation is, as is having needs that aren't acceptable and lead to personal rejection. When a 9 can accept that disagreeing with someone isn't akin to rejection, conflict doesn't need to be a scary place. So yes, 9s can engage in conflict.

    Diplomatic approach;
    A diplomatic approach is pretty standard for 9s, we are tuned in to other people's needs and see all points of view, understanding where someone is coming from makes finding that middle ground easy. Outside of angsy teen years we're unlikely to be the kind of people who get in a stand up yelling match as that kind of situation involves a desire to push your view and either ignore the other pov or feel they are ignoring yours so you must yell louder to be heard, 9s will hear the other pov and attempt to convey theirs in manner that shows they understand where the other person is coming from.

    This approach does minimise conflict or at least expedite the process.
    EyesOpen thanked this post.

  9. #8
    Type 9w8

    Quote Originally Posted by bundleofraindrops View Post
    I have no idea what Psyche is talking about... Complying is more of a compliant type thing (1,2,6). I have a 9w8 friend that isn't afraid of conflict but she'd rather avoid it. If her nerve has been tested then she has to make sure that person learns not to mess with her again.
    If in a conflict one person is expressing their pov, and the other convinces themselves they don't have one or it's not worth the debate, they end up complying through default.

    In this context, complying for 9s is about numbing ones needs, pretending they don't exist.

    To a 9 that approach doesn't feel like avoiding conflict, it's an internal justification not to care. When you can automatically see the other person's pov and they appear to have a strong opinion the reaction for a 9 is often to give up their own needs, however, that can be painful so it's not about pushing them to one side, it's about shutting it off and convincing yourself you really don't care. It's where our anger comes from.



  10. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by Sonny View Post
    If in a conflict one person is expressing their pov, and the other convinces themselves they don't have one or it's not worth the debate, they end up complying through default.

    In this context, complying for 9s is about numbing ones needs, pretending they don't exist.

    To a 9 that approach doesn't feel like avoiding conflict, it's an internal justification not to care. When you can automatically see the other person's pov and they appear to have a strong opinion the reaction for a 9 is often to give up their own needs, however, that can be painful so it's not about pushing them to one side, it's about shutting it off and convincing yourself you really don't care. It's where our anger comes from.


    That sounds very 9 and doesn't take the 8 wing into account at all.

  11. #10
    Type 9w8

    Quote Originally Posted by bundleofraindrops View Post
    That sounds very 9 and doesn't take the 8 wing into account at all.
    The wing is irrelevant, it doesn't override the core, the inclination to give up one's needs is an integral part of type 9 and an area we need to focus on for growth.

    I say this as a 9 with a very clear 8 wing.

    Observing the outward behaviour of a 9 will not clue you in to the fears and motivators, read up on Holy Love.


     
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