1. Purpose. Usefulness, value. Belonging. I suppose what drives me is a profound sense of inadequacy, and yet... I am very diffuse in the way I implement this. What do I look for? Um... in what sense? I just want to have a job that can sustain and satisfy me, good friends and a partner. But I’m too apathetic and self-indulgent to work towards these things, and am slowly learning to at least structure my time when it comes to study. I may also have some weird undiagnosed sleep apnoea, or something.
2. A truly ideal life: where I have people around me, where I’m valued and appreciated (and nothing ever changes, but that isn’t possible). I tend to fantasise about a lot of things I wish I could have, but they’re only filmic sort of fantasies, like maladaptive daydreaming. The ideal life would consist of understanding and deeply appreciating the meaningful work I’m doing and also not facing barriers due to my disability (tbh attitudes about this can DIAF).
3. This is hard because I think I’ve become what I hope to avoid. I hope to avoid becoming (basically) more mired in bad habits, in procrastination, in unpleasantness and vice and addiction. I want to improve myself through hard work. I wish I were more intelligent, but there you are, you can’t have everything.
4. Being kidnapped and held captive is a big fear of mine. On the same note, being entirely alone in the world, with only myself to depend on. I have very few coping skills and am of average intelligence. I’m not a go-getter - quite the opposite, in fact. And so, being left to fend for myself, being bored and lonely, is not something I deal with very well. My deepest fear, I suppose, is being utterly alone, cast off from society, dead to the world. No man is an island.
5. Bloody hell, I’d be happy with it if people saw me as remotely competent. I struggle with time management. I see myself as a nothing. Empty. The mirror reflecting itself back at itself. That, or a fog, or a morass of suicidal thoughts, fear and rage. Depends on the day. I mean, I can’t answer that with any degree of clarity. There is always a constant anxiety, uncertainty about the future, a constant yearning for financial stability, a desire for suicide and in the middle of it all, a fundamental emptiness, a sense of leaving no marks wherever I tread. “Lie down and die”, as Yeats said.
6. My best: Success! Being recognised, being clear-minded and alert. My worst: anxiety and depression; failure; exclusion. I also feel “good” during these times because this is a familiar feeling, but it’s like a sugar high - you feel good, but you know it’s unhealthy.
7. a. Anger: I have something of a temper. I get extremely defensive and irritable around my (amazing) family and I use them as an outlet (no, not proud of this). With other people I’m generally fine. I get angry thinking about things I can’t have, or can’t do, like the ability to drive. As you can imagine, this doesn’t help my mood. b. Shame: I’m ashamed of my wasted life and my lack of ambition, plus other qualities such as my appearance. My thoughts are often self-judging (you know the kind). I don’t often feel guilt, but I feel shame. c. If my shame is past-oriented, my fear is future-oriented. I’m continually afraid of what might happen to me job-wise and am passively (only passively) suicidal.
8. a. Depends on the cause. I freak right out, if it’s a crisis situation. If it’s a deadline, I avoid it like the plague because of fear of failure (“If I ignore this and do something - anything - else, it will go away.”) b. If I feel I can’t control it, I stress out and sort of fixate on it. c. Badly. I either flare up and get defensive/self-righteous/angry or I beat myself up because I was the one in the wrong and the person now thinks less of me.
9. a. I like being told what to do, but not ordered. Something an Enneagram 9 said on a podcast: I do things in my own time, so I hate being told to do something. But I respect leaders. b. I like having power, but I don’t handle it well, so I stay away. It’s altogether more stressful than it’s worth, because responsibility.
10. I don’t know. If I try to answer this it’ll end up being something ridiculous like “We should all just kill ourselves because one day the sun will explode and we’ll die.” I don’t have an outlook. I feel like a train wreck.