Heya, now on... what... hour 9 of researching all the types, wings, flaws, fears, instinctual subtypes and taking hundreds of tests trying to determine what my true type is?
All I was trying to do was include my typings of different personalities in a detailed "about me" section for a highly personal job sorta deal, but though I realized I know I'm definitely an INFJ I have no idea what my definite enneagram type is.
I've gotten results such as:
And then randomly reading into the motivations/fears aspects, I most closely associate to 5s because I am always fighting to feel capable but always under the surface feel that I am inept and unable to thrive in life. But not because I'm not good enough or less than others like 4w5 SO sometimes do, but because I don't really feel like a whole person like at all
I isolate like 5s, very much so. I find maintaining interpersonal relationships extremely exhausting as I am highly in tune with people's needs and have an intuitive understanding of people on the whole, so I tend to set high standards of people able to constantly meet those needs but then it is so exhausting that I withdraw completely and end up ignoring messaging because of the intense anxiety even thinking about how to respond to them brings.
As I said though I am highly attuned to people's needs and am always looking to create and maintain harmony, like 9s, and often lose myself in the process of trying to cater to others to make sure everyone is content and feels heard, understood, understands each other, etc.
I lose myself completely in relationships because first of all I have no real goals or direction and much prefer to either sit in a public place and melt into the background and stop thinking and dealing with my real-life problems by going into like a meditative state listening to the sounds of people passing and birds and the warmth of the sun on my face and just not be a person with a self, god the allure of oblivion or being a disembodied consciousness is so attractive.
I struggle with a great deal of depression, anxiety, loneliness, but I don't really care about either being a unique individual or conforming to societal norms? I just want to be left in peace to exist, sit outside in the grass and listen to the birds, contemplate the human condition with no real purpose other than just the deep-rooted interest in psychology, philosophy, meaning, eternity, nothingness... And then have someone to love, who is my partner, my soulmate, who I can discuss those things with and trust entirely to love me through it all and allow me to devote myself to the partnership. Though I never end up knowing or voicing my needs and stay in unhealthy relationships far too long and have huge problems with emptiness, becoming directionless and trying to numb myself from the sense of despair that comes with the end of the relationship, no longer having a future to work towards or look forward to because my only idea of the future came from the goals and dreams of the person I was with.
I end up in deep conversation with strangers a lot. I'm the kind of person who will be approached by a stranger in the bar and by the end of the night we've gone through their deepest fears, their previously unresolved conflicts etc and given them several epiphanies. That's the only way in which I can see myself enjoying being "different" or a "significant individual". I like that I see things differently because I can help someone I have just met, or known for a long time or whatever, understand themselves better and then fade away again and I'll just forever be the person who helped them see things in a new light or more clearly or whatever, but beyond that i don't have to keep the pressure of the longterm needs and responsibilities of being a close friend.
I don't need to constantly be in a friend's life to still feel like their friend.
Oh also, strong sense of guilt. Constantly. Moral compass, conscience, am I doing enough to help those I love, am I letting them down, do they know I care even though I withdraw.
Quiet, polite, well-mannered, will provide critiques or harsh truths if I feel they really need to be voiced but will still do so with caution and tact.
Anyway I'm going to stop now or I'll ramble forever. Usually I'm better at getting all the key points together but I'm so tired of thinking about this and have wasted yet another day being unproductive (but becoming extremely knowledgable in typology lmao??) so yeah if you have any specific questions please ask and otherwise just yeah please provide insight or direction cause I need to move on from this obsession and feel settled in which I am, otherwise my brain will keep on this forever. Thank you very very much in advance.