~I have answered multiple questionnaires over the years, and I'm still trying to figure this out... so... let's see if I can finally reach a conclusion this time.
I am kind, caring, empathetic, thoughtful, emotional, understanding – all qualities that are double-edged because I have put in a ton of energy loving/caring for people who weren’t worth it, and being taken advantage of. I'm a soft-hearted person; my skin is thin, and I'm easily hurt, but I bounce back pretty easily. However, I tend to internalize pain; people don't realize I'm angry or upset with them because I don't let them know it.
I’d like to be a more assertive person. Someone who stands their ground, knows what they want and goes after it. I’d love to be the kind of person who doesn’t overthink every interaction and what other people think and was myself without apologizes. I wouldn’t want to be selfish and oblivious to other people’s feelings. I wouldn’t want to be unemotional, insensitive, or seen as defective in some way. I have this image I project to the world, at least try to, of someone who’s a lot nicer and happier than I feel on the inside most of the time.
People who know me well tell me I can't hide or lie very well (even though I'm convinced they don't know what I'm thinking or feeling). I think I perceive myself as emotionally weaker and softer than I actually come across - My significant other told me that I have a very intense energy - that when I'm in a bad mood, my words are emotionally heavier than I intend them to be. or if I'm holding back in order to avoid fighting. Other than that, I think those who know me well see me as I am (or those I choose to let in). I might know you well, as in you are family, but if I chose to hide parts of myself, then you may not see me as I am. I think those people who aren’t let in entirely see the main characteristics that make me, me, but they don’t see the deeper layers. Those at work, who don’t know me on a personal level may perceive me as shy, quiet, and guarded. It takes me a while to feel comfortable around people, and there are times I just never reach that level of comfort where I feel I can show you my poetry, for example, or let you in on things going on in my life.
Love, comfort, fidelity, peace, assertiveness, sexuality, creativity are qualities I value. The first 4 because I have strong opinions about love and commitment and honoring it. If you love someone, you should never break that and find what you think you need elsewhere, period. Even though I’ve had feelings for another person, I would never act on them because it’s just wrong. You don’t do that to someone you’re with; plus, I wouldn’t want it done to me, and the thought of that upsets me more than I can explain – and I think that stems from not feeling good enough and believing being cheated on would only affirm that. The last 3 aren’t qualities I possess but are qualities I admire in other people because they’re the opposite of everything I am.
I’m a wrecking ball when I’m stressed; everyone in my path is affected by it in some way because I can’t keep quiet about it. But mainly, I’m destructive because I become hyper focused on that one thing, and everything else suffers. For instance, a few years ago, I went through a period where I failed to balance a full-time job and going to school part time. I was so overwhelmed, that in my mind, one thing had to be put on the back burner in order for things to be more manageable (I was more focused on school and doing school work at work so that I’d have time to myself when I got home – having that time to just do nothing or that block of time in case I decided to do something for me), and unfortunately, I chose the job, and I was then laid off. I felt like I had no time to breathe, and I didn’t know how to balance everything.
When I joined the site back in 2012, I thought I was 4w5. Upon further reflection I realized that tests don’t always reveal your true type and I become almost obsessed with figuring out who I am. 4 didn’t entirely feel me, as I lack their depth and assertiveness. People have said I could be Enneagram 2, 6, or 9, and I do see pieces of myself in those types. I can argue specific cases when they could all apply to me in some way. I can’t just say one or another is totally me, and that’s frustrating. I’m on what feels like an endless quest to find the one truly thing that defines me.