1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
I'm always searching for connection with something or someone, usually different from the norm. I'm often motivated by freedom and the ability to learn things at my own, quiet pace. I like to be left to my own devices the majority of the time. I look for a small circle of confidants where I can form deep connections to people who will support me and help me grow as a person.
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
I hope that I get to experience as much as I possibly can, trying a bit of everything life has to offer but at my own pace. When I get older I want to be able to say that I did this and that and that, and now I can choose which of those experiences I value the most, and which I can feel most at peace with. I want to get to a point where I can stop searching for greener grass and know that what I have now is exactly what I want. I'd like a quiet, peaceful life surrounded by nature.
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I hope to avoid being a slave to the system, where my life revolves around chores and bills and finances. I hope to never lose my childlike sense of wonder, my creativity and my open-mindedness. I hope to stay in touch with my past until the very end (I'm super nostalgic). I value honest communication, soul-searching and lifting one another up a lot.
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
My biggest fear is being trapped. I hate the thought of being stuck in a contract or commitment for a long period of time. I feel like it takes away my options, and my ability to change my mind (which I do a lot). Ironically, I also fear being alone, so I do need some sort of loyalty from others -- it's a constant conflict in my head. I also fear making an embarrassment of myself, saying something offensive, which is why I tend to keep quiet a lot.
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I'd like others to see me as happy, free-spirited easy-going, cheeky, street-wise and charismatic. Sadly, I'm much too reserved and 'in my head' to be most of these things.
I see myself as very moody, anxious, inwardly sensitive, quiet, private, modest, passionate, introspective and adaptable.
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I went to LGBT+ pride last week and it made me feel so alive, just to be surrounded by so many accepting, non-judgemental and charismatic people ,and to know we were all there to fight against hate and bigotry -- that's when I feel at my best.
I feel at my worst when my feelings are invalidated by someone. I need to feel understood and I need deep honest communication in order to bond with someone, so if someone is more dismissive and overly rational I feel out of place.
7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
a) I tend to experience anger passive-aggressively, so I'll usually turn my anger inward and eventually it will show itself in spiteful ways.
b) I carry a lot of shame with me. I'm very quick to feel embarrassed or guilty for things I've said. I guess that's why I'm fairly quiet because I'm worried that opening up to others will leave me vulnerable.
c) I do experience a lot of anxiety, and I tend to think ten steps ahead, preparing for problems that don't even exist yet. I often procrastinate on real life tasks because I'm worrying about something that may happen in the future. Fear causes me to freeze and I can't move on until I've worked through my anxieties.
8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
a) Under stress I become very emotional and irrational. Normally I appear quite calm and aloof but under stress I can lash out and get rather "tantrumy". I don't like the feeling of losing control so I'll panic and rush to try and sort the problem as soon as possible
b) The instant I hear of an unexpected change I feel very out of my depth (again, the loss of control thing), but as soon as I can gain enough knowledge about the change to feel I'm prepared enough, I'll adapt to it quite well.
c) When in conflict, I tend to ask for advice from others (either friends or on internet forums). I guess I don't feel confident in arguing outright so I like to do some research and figure out the best method to get shut the other person down.
9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
a) I try to avoid authority wherever possible and this might have something to do with my strict parents growing up. I now get very uncomfortable if someone is monitoring me too much, even if it's in a helpful way. So I choose to work from home most of the time and it helps a lot.
b) I've never really sought power. I just want control of myself mostly.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
I feel worried for humanity these days. It seems there are so many people (especially those in a position of power) that want to control too much of how society should be, basing it on traditional values or religion or just downright fear.
11. Discuss an event that has impacted your life significantly; more importantly, how you responded to it.
When my parents separated, I was amazed to find I took my dad's side over my mother's. After all, he was the one I always had issues with and he was the one with the alcohol problem. But the she just left him and the way he became deeply depressed, I just couldn't handle. I felt like I connected with his pain and wanted to minimise it as much as possible. So I took it as my role to watch out for him and make sure he was okay. I basically became his therapist, and we finally developed a bond from shared pain and helping him look at his past actions and self-improve.
12. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I'm always keeping an eye out for possible opportunities for someone to betray me, but I also know how important it is to give others freedom (because this is what I'd want others to give me). At this point, I feel like if someone is going to betray me, they're going to do it and it's going to be THEIR problem. So I guess I put my trust in fate.
13. List some of the traits you: a) like; b) dislike most about yourself.
a) I like my ability to self-improve and change, to reject old ways in favour of more healthy choices. I like that I don't see vulnerability as a weakness but as a major strength, and that other people feel comfortable opening up to me. I like that I care about self-expression, decor, and style, and can spend ages playing around with colours and themes.
I dislike that I can't make tough decisions, that I don't really know what I want most of the time. I hate how shy I am and how I never can come up with anything witty or clever on the spot. That I don't have enough drive to pursue a hobby or career and see it through to the end. I dislike how emotional I get when I'm confronting someone.
14. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
I think I see other peoples vulnerabilities easier than most people, and I can often tell when someone is nervous, angry or upset by something, even if they try not to show it.
15. If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel? What if they compliment you?
I'd be too shy to respond, but I'd feel outraged inside, and I'd probably scowl at them or shake my head. It would bother me for the rest of the day and I'd be wishing karma taught them a lesson. If they complimented me, I'd react cooly but inside I'd be buzzing for the rest of the day.