Using one of the questionnaires posted on the subforum
What age range are you in?
Any disorders or conditions we should know about?
I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, old pdoc thought BPD too but new one doesn't, says maybe traits at the most.
1. What do you think your life is about? What drives you in life? This can be something like a goal or a purpose, or anything else that comes to mind.
I don't really think my life is about anything in particular. I don't feel particularly driven by anything either. No big goals and there is no purpose to my life imo, but when little things I want to do come up I do what I can to do them.
2. What were you like as a kid?
Energetic yet quiet. Athletic- I pitched for a few softball teams. Liked trying new things, but was pretty anxious about it too.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents. Does anything stand out about the way you interacted?
It's strong. They still look at me like a child because of my illness and them not really trusting me to be a proper adult yet. They don't trust me much at all really, but they aren't judgemental or mean in anyway.
4. What values are important to you? What do you hope to avoid doing or being?
Respecting nature. I guess I value being a loving and friendly person, but also being assertive and getting what you need. I hope to avoid leeching off my family for much longer, and I definitely don't want to be the softspoken person that gets stepped on repeatedly, which is how I am sometimes.
5. Aside from phobias, are there any fears that characterized your childhood? Have they continued into the present day, or not, and if not, how have you dealt with them?
I don't remember having any major fears in my childhood, but I did have some strong social anxiety that I still have a tad of today that comes back strong episodically.
6. a.) How do you see yourself?
As another homo sapien that will temporarily life it's life out on the third rock from our sun.
b.) How do you want others to see you?
The way I see myself
c.) What do you dislike the most in other people?
Self importance and willful ignorance
7. Which habit do you most automatically act on? Rank the following habits from most to least automatic, on a scale of 1 (most) to 3 (least).
a.) Work for personal gain with more concern for self than for others. 1
b.) Strive for a sense of tranquility in yourself and the world around you 2
c.) Decide what is right for the betterment of something or someone else. 3
8. Where does the wandering mind take you? What provokes this?
When I'm not really doing anything my mind goes to weird places. Like, "do fish pee and how much of the ocean is fish piss?" and (trying to) imagine other planets, galaxies, universes, etc.
9.What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
In all honesty, I feel my best when I'm hypomanic. I feel on top of the world, can do anything, have all the energy a person can have, all anxieties are gone. Other than that, hiking and skiing. Part of my illness involves psychotic depression. I don't know what causes it, but that's the worst I've ever felt.
10. Let's talk about emotions. Explain what might make you feel the following, how they feel to you or how you react to the emotion:
People being dumbasses or assholes, or when I can't do something right, or when something fails me. I don't just experience a little anger, I experience either nothing or absolute RAGE. I can control it enough if I'm around other people, but when I get alone I will punch walls and throw things. it's pathetic.
Failure, at anything really. I don't feel it often, but when I do it's pretty intense and at it's worse has led to suicide attempts (I failed at life).
A lot of things, but the thing that makes me most anxious is being late. I like to be the first one at the trailhead (if hiking) or the first one on the lift (if skiing). When I worked I would leave 15 minutes before I had to just in case. It's racing thoughts, sweating, all sorts of "what if's" going on in my mind. I try to avoid the things that make me anxious at all possible.
11. Describe how you respond to the following:
My schizoaffective symptoms get worse. It's kind of a coin toss whether I'll get more manic or depressed (or better yet both), but the hallucinations will get worse regardless. Again, try to avoid stress which is why after multiple hospitalizations I'm not working right now.
b.) negative unexpected change
Same. It's really just a form of stress.
Ask questions until I understand, try to resolve calmly but probably end up screaming.
12. a.) What kind of role are you naturally inclined to take in a group? Why?
Ha, good luck if you find me in a group. I've learned to stick to myself.
b.) If put in power, how do you behave? Why?
That's stressful so I avoid being in power unless I'm certain I'm the best person to do whatever it is.
c.) Do you tend to struggle with others who have authority over you? Why?
Yes. I want to be in charge of myself, and only myself. I don't trust anyone else to be in authority.
13. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
Nothing. I'm pretty clueless.
14. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I trust gravity (most of the time). I trust my cats to finish their food. Beyond that? No trust.
15. Briefly: What religious and/or political beliefs do you have? Do you think they influenced your responses in this questionnaire?
No religious beliefs, but nothing's off the table. My political beliefs are strongly liberal. I don't think they influenced my responses
Which of the following temptations do you find yourself acting upon the most? (And briefly state why)
- To constantly push yourself to be “the best”
- To be without needs, well-intentioned
- To replace direct experience with concepts
- To have an extreme sense of personal moral obligation
- To think that fulfillment is somewhere else
- To cyclically become indecisive and seek others for reassurance I don't know why but this is something I definitely do time to time.- To overuse imagination in searching for yourself
- To avoid conflicts and asserting yourself I don't like conflict, but asserting myself is something I've learned from experience to be important.
- To consider yourself entirely self-sufficient this is a goal in mind, but not something I'm close to
What's something you are:
a.) thankful you have
Gravity, for keeping me as grounded as it gets but seriously my family because they've probably kept me out of jail
b.) wish you could have?
More stability/able to hold down a job and handle stress/stay out of the hospital for more than a year, that would improve my quality of life significantly.
Thanks for reading and helping me out