1. How would an author describe you in a book? Write the paragraph that would introduce you in a novel.
She was someone who felt controlled by her mood. If she was happy, she was capable of many things, but if she was sad, she believed she was completely average, with no special talents or skills. One consistent thing about her was that she constantly tried to learn more about herself and how she fit into the world. Often she was drawn to those who were as deeply emotional or "unique" as she, so she could find a strong connection. She didn't do well with those who were overly logical and businesslike.
2. Think over the past day or week of ways other people have annoyed, angered, or otherwise bothered you
a. How would I characterize the trait that bothered me?
Someone who's intentions were to criticize me in a passive-aggressive way, deliberately hurt my feelings to make me feel small
b. Why did it bother me?
Because they wanted to bring me down in order to lift themselves up and no one should feel like they're better than another person. They also did it in a sneaky way whereby if I confronted them, they'd act like I was the sensitive one
c. How did I react?
I went quiet and didn't say much, but mentally decided I'd distance myself from said person
d. How do I wish I would have reacted?
There's not much else I could have done differently, but I wish I would have been able to shrug it off internally
3. What holds you back in life? This can be an internal or external force. If that thing were gone, what would be different? What would you do?
My fear of losing people or things in my life (e.g. either losing a relationship by acting on my feelings or by losing a job by going for another position). I'm worried about disrupting my current peace of mind and stability and making things worse for myself. I'm worried I'll never get anything better than I currently have it. I lack vision and foresight about the future so I fail to make decisions.
If this fear were gone, I'd be more likely to make decisions about set more goals for myself and be more sure of what I want.
4. Your deepest secret has just been revealed to the person or people from whom you most wished to keep it. How do you feel? How do you react? What are the results on your life?
This has happened to me before. I felt very emotional and upset and desperately tried to apologise to the person I'd kept the secret from. I hated myself and spent a long period of time shaming myself and crying, hoping I'd be forgiven and things would go back to normal. Then at one point, I snapped and decided the only way things were going to get better was if I completely cut out my past and turned my whole life around so I just became this very determined person and I stepped out of my comfort zone and attacked life head on. I did this because I wanted to stop feeling bad about myself and give myself something to be proud of.
5. You are offered one of three gifts: a bottle filled with water from the Fountain of Life, a crown which will give you peaceful dominion over the world's people for your entire (full) lifetime, and a ring which will unite you with your true love and ensure a happy, passionate marriage. Which do you choose and why? What are your hesitations and motivations?
At first, I thought I'd choose the ring for true love, but I think I'm going to go with the crown. I couldn't live with myself knowing I chose myself over the whole world and to know I'm promoting peace and unity makes me feel incredibly useful and at peace with myself.
6. You are offered one of three houses. The first is located in a big city and has historic and artistic value: it was designed by a great architect and was owned by interesting people in the past. Owning this house is very prestigious and guarantees you social status and a circle of friends, but it also comes with responsibility - you must keep the house up to code, manage the household, and give parties and events. The second house you may design using your imagination - literally your dream house - it is located in a very secluded location and no one is allowed to visit this house except you and your immediate family. The third house is very nice, but has no particular aesthetic appeal - a McMansion in short. It is in an extremely convenient location and is very secure. It is impossible for thieves to break in and it has no danger of natural disasters. You are guaranteed to be able to sell the house for double the price in twenty years. Which do you choose and why? What are your hesitations and motivations?
Probably the third house. Even though I'd love to create my dream house, the fact that only my immediate family can visit puts a lot of restraints on me. I need to be able to invite friends over in the future if I so chose. And the first one seems too much of a responsibility so at least with the third one I can just do it up how I want and feel secure and know my loved ones will be safe there.
7. You are offered one of three doors. The first opens to a world that is dangerous and demands mental or physical skill to navigate through, but also has great rewards to be gained: think of the worlds portrayed on the shows Game of Thrones or Supernatural. The second opens to a world that is full of wonders, magic, and knowledge, which can be learned or experienced, but there is little solid resting ground - think of the worlds portrayed in the shows Doctor Who or in the multi-media phenomenon A Hitchkiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The third opens to a world where you may experience a life of peaceful, uneventful poverty - think of the hobbits in the series Lord of the Rings or most of the animals living in Narnia. Which do you choose and why? What are your hesitations and motivations?
I would pick the third door. Because even though the second door appeals to me, once I come back to reality, everything will go back to normal and I'd feel really upset I can't go back (like Doctor Who's assistants do). At least with the last door, I can take some of the mindfulness and inner peace back with me and practice it in real life.
8. What do you wish people understood about you? Talk about a time you were misunderstood.
I wish people understood that because I'm sensitive and emotional I'm not weak and they shouldn't put me down for it. I have a friend who isn't very in touch with her emotions and when we argue she'll back up her claims with all these facts and logic and she doesn't understand that it's not what was said, it's the way it was said.
9. What do you hope people won't notice about you? What are you uncomfortable being teased about?
I hope they won't notice how much low self-esteem I have and how anxious I am all the time. I don't want to be teased about being quiet.
10. What's worse - to be seen as caring more than you do or less than you do? Why? Do you think you come across one way or the other? Do you typically pretend to care more or to care less?
I typically pretend to care more because sometimes I worry I'm too focused on my own problems that I want to make sure people know I care about theirs too.
11. Think about a time that someone else tried to control your actions - to tell you what to do, to manipulate you, or influence you. How did you feel and how did you react? What went through your mind?
An ex of mine was very controlling and manipulative. I was always well aware of his controlling nature but at the time I thought that it meant he cared about me so I let the relationship continue because at least I felt wanted (looking back I realise he didn't care).
12. When you first meet someone, what are your first thoughts? What judgments do you make and what kinds of considerations do you have? Are you more concerned with what they think of you or what you think of them? If you are preparing to meet someone new, what do you hope about them and what do you fear about them?
I tend to think about my future with this person, about our potential to be good friends, and I consider if we have any shared interests we can bond over. I'm probably more concerned with what they think of me and I'll try and project the best version of myself while still keeping aloof so they want to know more about me.
13. Think about the last time you cried (if you've recently lost a loved one or gone through another similarly difficult experience, you can go back further and choose a random instance). What caused this? Who was around? Were you crying out of sadness, joy, frustration, or some other factor? How did you feel afterwards? Did it change anything? Is this typical for you?
I cried because I started to realise I may not be in love with my boyfriend anymore and I was worried that I may have to break up with him and hurt his feelings and then lose him from my life. Nobody was around when I cried because I don't enjoy showing my emotions to others. Afterwards it made me start analyzing our relationship from the beginning so I could figure out if these feelings were valid or not.
14. Think about the last time you felt really happy, joyful, or satisfied. What caused this feeling? What was different? What keeps you from feeling this way all the time?
I went on a road trip with a bunch of friends. I felt really happy because I was going somewhere new and doing something that was different to my usual routine, and I was also sharing this experience with people I care about. I need constant little outings and adventures to feel satisfied with my life.
15. If you were a tragic hero, what would be your fatal flaw? If you were a character in a comedy, what would be your distinguishing trait (i.e. stingy with money, fastidious, shallow, pretentious, etc.) Do you think others would agree with these?
My fatal flaw would be acting on my emotions over my head. My distinguishing trait would be my laziness and my love for sleep.
16. Think over the past day or week of ways that you have done badly. What caused you to fail and what was your reaction?
The main thing is that I've been putting off important tasks and chores because I feel like there's always something I'm distracted by in my head (a particular worry, an emotion, a thought etc) and I choose to mull over that rather than get things done in the real world. It makes me feel even worse when I procrastinate but that never stops me.
17. a. Imagine meeting an evil version of yourself - your 'dark side' - and describe this person.
I met this person on an acid trip gone wrong once. She wasn't evil (because I don't think people are evil deep down) but she was completely stuck in a loop she couldn't get out of because she lacked foresight.
b. Describe your ideal self.
Confident, with no reservations, really down-to-earth, goofy and fun but with a cool, mysterious side.
18. What is your experience with and how do you deal with the following:
Likely to retreat into a fantasy world
seeking advice from multiple sources
hint to someone nearby "I'm bored" in hope they'll offer a suggestion
be more lazy
remove myself from people so I can take it out on myself
19. Which of the 'seven deadly sins' - pride, wrath, sloth, envy, lust, gluttony, avarice - do you relate to most and why? Which do you relate to least and why? Feel free to go into depth about these.
Sloth, just because lazy
20. Link a song you relate to and explain why.
Happiness by IAMX
I know I'll never feel the same
I know I may never accept the change, but I want...
Staring blank at my screen
Waiting for a sign, waiting for a smile to come to me
Every day the news is death
You power-drunk fuckers are filling my head with despair