1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
I want to be happy. I want to control my creative output and maximise the potential in that area, something I deeply struggle with, despite holding a rather large amount of creative potential.
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
To love and to be loved in return. To be admired for my wisdom/intelligence, creativity and general quirkiness. Material possessions don't particularly drive me, I don't want to be rich or seek fame or anything of that nature. I just want to be content in my respective abilities and be a somewhat decent person.
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I never want to raise my hypothetical children like my father did with me. He was very degrading to me, frequently stressed due to his job, often telling me I would never accomplish anything in life and that I was essentially worthless. The most important value to me is honesty and transparency.
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
My biggest fear lies with other people believing me to be fraudulent or a liar. I can only be me and that's the only person I'm good at being. If these people truly knew me, they'd know that my honesty and candidness is extremely close to my heart, so to suggest anything else is a terrible insult to me.
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I want to be seen as a clever, honest, playful individual. I see myself in much the same way, albeit when I'm not in the throes of a depressive episode.
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I feel my best when I feel like others are completely at ease with me, and then I can have no anxiety whatsoever to just be myself and not to worry about what they think about me. I feel at my worst when I am in a depressive state, I'll often be told by my brain that I am a waste of space and unworthy of love. i'm still trying to find out the triggers, but confrontation is often one source.
7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
When I'm angry, it comes in a flurry. Mentally, it is violent and tense and sometimes overwhelms me, sending me into a panic of passionate verbal diarrhea. It's often over quickly and it's uncommon for me to hold grudges.
Shame sneaks up easily on me. It will linger, knotting my belly and consuming my senses, making me not want to eat and worrying way too much about things most people would not. Shame usually happens after a night of drunken regret.
Anxiety is often riding shotgun with me. Every social interaction I make, there's the niggling voice in the back of my head reminding me to not say or do anything completely daft. I come off as quite awkward in social interactions and it can be a result of my social anxiety. I used to make myself physically sick quite a lot in the past with my incessant worrying and I remember vividly as a child having to voice my 'bad thoughts' to my mother, lest they bubble away at me and completely consume me. This has mostly stopped but sometimes I still feel the remnants.
8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
Stress and I do not get along at all. If left to multitask for a moderate to long period of time, my anxiety tightens its grip on me and all the thoughts come crashing to the fore, my mind races and I cannot slow it down. Stress takes a very long time to subside and I'll be the first to admit I've had quite a few mini-breakdowns at my various places of employment in the past. Crying helps to suppress it.
I used to loathe unexpected change as a child, or any sort of change. My mother told me recently of quirks I used to have in my childhood, for example being incredibly firm about wearing winter apparel when it was almost summer. Now, I embrace change, be it expected or not. life is far too short to remain the same and things that happen in life almost always occur to make you stronger. The beautiful and terrifying thing about life is you never know what is right around the corner.
I avoid conflict more often than not. Sometimes when I'm in a horrible mood and I hate everything, I have been known to seek out verbal fights to release anger. That's not that common though. I was raised in a very dysfunctional household and some of my most vivid childhood memories consist of locking myself in my room and trying desperately to plug my ears or block out sound with a pillow while my parents argued. To this day most intense arguments and conflicts plant a seed of unease in my belly.
9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
I'm not the best when it comes to listening to authority. It's not that I necessarily believe myself better, it's often because I'm highly curious and I like to ask a lot of questions as to why I've been asked to do this or that, so I can understand my task better. Sadly, a lot of people just see it as cheek.
Power scares me. If one person, or a small group of people, wield all the power, I don't particularly like that idea. I suppose there's the thoughts in my head reminding me that power can easily be mishandled and abused.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
Life is really just a game of chance. I'm the result of the fastest of millions of sperm cells. It's purely by chance I live where I do, grew up how I did, but all of those chances have formed the person I am, and on an individual basis, all of those chances form who everyone is respectively.
11. Discuss an event that has impacted your life significantly; more importantly, how you responded to it.
I was raped in June of last year. I was drunk and physically ill, he was an acquaintance who gave me a lift home. Things went too far. I'm essentially numb to it. I can talk about it (obviously) and I blame myself partially, but sometimes I have to remind myself it didn't happen to someone else, it happened to me. I've never felt completely clean afterwards, almost somewhat tainted.
12. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I trust too openly. It's burnt me in the past. Yet I always look for the best in people...it keeps happening. I may never learn.
13. List some of the traits you: a) like; b) dislike most about yourself.
I like the fact I'm upfront. I'm not stupid. I'm quite good at creative pursuits. I can be very playful in nature.
I don't like the fact I'm very harsh on myself. I have a very guilty personality and have had issues in the past feeling either way too much emotionally, or being completely numb. (Medication.)
14. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
Even if folks don't think of themselves in a positive light, I can almost universally see good in personalities. I've been asked in the past, 'Why are you so nice to me?' I've been known to respond with, 'Well, why not?'
15. If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel? What if they compliment you?
I feel unnerved by both. If a stranger insults me, I usually get quite defensive. I'm not fantastic at taking criticism. I used to always deny whatever I was being complimented on in the past. Now I can smile and say thank you, that's only happened in the last few years. I'm usually very touched.
16. What's something you are: a) thankful you have; b) wish you could have? Why?
I'm thankful I'm quite self aware. I know what I need to work on and I know what I seem to have right. I wish I could have more determination and willpower. It's always been a massive issue for me.
Thank you for reading!