I'm new here so I want to begin with the most important question in every enneagram forum.
I can't define my enneagram type/w. I had an enneagram class in college this year and I went to some workshops and all, I also took the RHETI test, but I'm placed between the 4, 5 :( And I really know that I have a lot of traits in them.
What can I say about myself? Well, that I have panic disorder, anxiety and hematophobia since I was 9 years old or something, and that's why I always thought I could be a 6. I learned to live with fear everyday since the first time I started fainting.
But besides that disorder (my father has the same problem), I have a tradition, a story of feeling like a misfit. Since I was in elementary school, even after I completed highschool I felt like someone weird that people never wanted to know. The other girls were cute and used to make jokes about me and laughed because I was pale, or skinny, or just because they said I had unusual tastes in music, I was in reading, in filmaking and all, always alone and I had nothing in common to share with them so that made me unpopular.
The worst of all was that I had good grades and I was in poetry and history competition groups and won some prizes and everything just became awful.
And in home it wasn't different. My mother only wanted me to be an engineer or lawyer or something like that, and pushed me to take extra math classes and science tests and that never worked because I never liked that subjects. She always felt disappointed because I did painting and those things and since I was a child she said that were all useless things. She was the dominant and powerful, strict person in my home, and my father is a very aloof and unconcerned person that just didn't care anything and even allowed that my mother treated him like crap always, he never argued or something.
So in my teens I was hiding myself and I was studying a lot, getting A grades, and I acted like -I didn't want to have friends because the people were vane and frivolous for me- and I was feeling that if I looked enough deep and interesting as I was (I didn't knew I was) someone "better", above than the rest, someone "higher" would see that in me and he would choose me and everyone would be ashamed and would feel vane because they never accepted me.
That was perdition, because I never had a boyfriend before and at 18 in college, was the first time someone was interested in me! And he was someone beautiful, interesting and even intelectual, and many girls were after him, and he was "perfect" and he wanted to date me. He was intrigued and wanted to know what I liked, he was the first person that thought that I was cool because I like to read, writting and to make videos and he was impressive of my music taste and sense of style. He said I was special, unique, eccentric, eclectic and all. So I as feeling euphoric in those months, I was feeling like on coke or something.
But it wasn't a dream, it wasn't a fantasy, it was a lie, because he had a girlfriend and he almost married and I was a secret mistress. When I found out, the drama, the explosion, the violence began, I was in rage, mad and seeking revenge. I hated him, he betrayed me, he lied to me, he was a fake person.
It took me years to realize that the brutal reason why I hated him, why it hurted me so much, wasn't that he lied, was not that he didn't love me: the worst thing was that he "choosed" a regular, a boring, a common person to be with, and not me: "the special". That was the fact. That the real girlfriend, and the next girl he began to date inmediatly after me, were ordinary or normal women.
And when I knew that about myself, I forgave him and after 3 years, we are now friends, and have no tension.
But now I find myself in a pursuit for someone like that, someone who could choose me and that want to see what is hidden in me.