1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
I am not sure at the moment, I have no drive or I am driven by curiousity as to how my life will end up - the twists and turns I will experience etc.
I look for happiness - whatever it means at that particular time. I find it difficult to label what I look for and what will make me happy for I am afraid of achieving this and being disappointed shortly afterwards.
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
to live out my bucket list.
Visit places, meet people, read books, experience things, I might teach, learn a few languages/instruments... research something. write a book.
On a deeper level I don't know if I have some great destiny like saving the planet and changing mankind. Life itself appears to be a morbid, exhausted cycle and so I have agreed, numbly, to satisfy with breathy, smiling etc.
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I dont want to be weak, fearful, cliche, conformist, shallow. I never want to stick myself in a situation that I dislike to please other people and live up to their expectation.
Values - individuality, independence, competence, freedom, novelty. many more...
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
My biggest fear is running out of time and dead lines. I often find myself in situations where I ignore things that I don't want to do, wasting time on things that I want to do at that time. In the end I am hard pressed trying to fulfil commitments in half the required time. It seems I require the stress to get some things done and I often ask myself if I do this on purpose to see if I can still pull it off.
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I want people to see a good respectable person... thats as general as it gets.
I see my self as a big bright light in the dim... a small anchorless ship afloat the raging sea... deep, dead and hollow roots.
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
Worst - *uncomfortable here... so uncomfortable I dont know the answer?*
Best - My efforts/input recognised and praised, Going home after spending a nice time with friends.. cant think of anything else
7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
a) No one sees me when I am angry. I withdraw and experience this alone. I think and sleep a lot. I think my blood pressure rises and I feel a bit of anxiety. Migraines... I may avoid certain places, or just stay in my room. I listen to angry music... I pretty much go deeper into it with time until I calm down. I may develop some master plan to outdo the subject at something at the next opportunity.
b) I laugh it off. It is usually shortlived as I force myself to not care about what other people think. I believe if I dont care about it, other people wont care either.
c) Nausea, shaking like a leaf but somehow I seem to appear calm, blank, withdrawn etc. I seem to always know what to do though. The solution always presents itself right when I need it most.
8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
a) Low stress - I am an escapist
high stress - I am efficient. I find this intense drive to do things... its like oil in the gears, I pick up speed, everything clicks and comes together. People think I am confident but I am going through extreme anxiety... If all is lost I let go and auto-accept things.. onto the next one.
b) Usually happy. I try to explore to find what is new and what has remained. I try to find my way around. I am used to it by the end of the day or week. I may start pointing out things that should have remained and things that have improved.
c) If I am confronted *I am uncomfortable admitting this * I am fearful inside but I will not let it show.
If a companion of mine is being confronted *I am comfortable admitting this* I have no fear defending them if I know they are innocent... still defending them to some extent if they are not.
9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
a) For I know their capabilities - Fear. If they enjoy fear - Disgust. If they abuse authority - Rebellion at all costs.
b) I despise the very word.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
Life is complex, neither good nor bad but just a cycle... balanced..
I feel disconnected from the human race mostly... annoyed, disgusted, ashamed
11. Discuss an event that has impacted your life significantly; more importantly, how you responded to it.
12. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I tend not to trust people and avoid situations where I must trust/rely on people.
13. List some of the traits you: a) like; b) dislike most about yourself.
a) empathy, individuality, assertiveness
b) cant commit, procrastinate, paranoid, talkative
14. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
Lies... "Badmind" which I dunno how to translate lol usually negative things.
15. If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel? What if they compliment you?
I dont feel anything because they dont know me. maybe curiosity about their judgement or amusement. If it is something that I have thought about before though I might look into things to see if it is true to me.
16. What's something you are: a) thankful you have; b) wish you could have? Why?
I am thankful for everything that I have because it could be much worst. I have many opportunities and abilities that some lack, I am glad I was born in this situation.
I currently dont have any wishes for anything. I mean I could start listing superficial things now like a car, but i dont need them so I wouldnt wish for them.