I am looking for outside opinion regarding type: I'm interested in developing more conscious habits that will be rewarding in creating a positive, successful and overall satisfying life.
What age range are you in?
23, 24 in less than a month.
Any disorders or conditions we should know about?
Breast implants, 500cc High Profile
Half a vial of Restylane injected under my eyes
Drive an Audi
Management position, work history has been luxury car dealerships.
Lives in a 5 bedroom, two story home in what is essentially a gated community
* I have been on/off studying the Enneagram for just over three years. I believe myself to be a sx/sp instinctual stack.
* I relate to components of 1, 3 and 4 (no order).
* I relate least to types 7, 8 and 9 (no order).
* I gravitate towards types 3, 8 and 9 (unintentional) (no order) (mainly romantic).
* I give little energy and have little involvement for friends outside of my relationship. I make time for their friends, not my own. My life will revolve around the person I am dating and so will my positive/negative motivations ie. everything else in life can be hell, but if my relationship is good, there is potential and I am capable - if my everything in my life is good, but my relationship is suffering, I feel as though I am falling apart and have trouble concentrating.
1.) What do you think your life is about? What drives you in life? This can be something like a goal or a purpose, or anything else that comes to mind.
My life is about working towards having a truly satisfying experience and feeling engaged with my existence. Embodied. I am driven by the idea of having a deep and successful relationship with someone admirable and accomplished, beautiful home in a coveted area, luxury vehicles, a coveted highly intellectual position that pays extremely well.
2.) What were you like as a kid?
I was a loner. I had no friends and did not cry over this. It just was. It wasn't something that I got upset over, because it wasn't something I felt in control of. I didn't know how to build friendships or further develop connections, so I was alone. I stood by myself throughout lunch hours, waiting for them to be done and hoping an adult supervisor wouldn't attempt to "intervene" by encouraging inclusion. I had cut my hair short like a boy, was tall and awkward - I never felt pretty nor feminine as a child.
3.) Describe your relationship with your parents. Does anything stand out about the way you interacted?
Resistant and conflicted relationship. Not interested in elaborating further. Minimal emotional connection, little current communication.
4.) What values are important to you? What do you hope to avoid doing or being?
Accomplishment - aesthetically pleasing, enviable ownership, perfect and satisfying relationship, professional excellence
Purpose - professional, romantic validates personal existence, social is only relevant as a means of communicating it not validating or supporting it.
Attractiveness - if I am accomplished and perfect to the ideal then I am attractive.
I hope to avoid being undesirable and dependent.
5.) Aside from phobias, are there any fears that characterized your childhood? Have they continued into the present day, or not, and if not, how have you dealt with them?
I can't say there is a greater fear beyond shame. However, the feelings I fear - I have felt. I know they are possible and this motivates me to work away from them.
6.) a.) How do you see yourself?
As a constant work in progress.
b.) How do you want others to see you?
I want others to see me as desirable - attractive, accomplished, competent and respectable. I want to be seen as the ideal.
c.) What do you dislike the most in other people?
I dislike emotional immaturity and clouded judgement, as well as self-entitled behaviour mixed with a degree of dependence that is not age appropriate.
7.) Which habit do you most automatically act on? Rank the following habits from most to least automatic, on a scale of 1 (most) to 3 (least).
a.) Work for personal gain with more concern for self than for others. (2)
b.) Strive for a sense of tranquility in yourself and the world around you (3)
c.) Decide what is right for the betterment of something or someone else. (1)
8.) Where does the wandering mind take you? What provokes this?
"The wandering mind" takes me to whatever needs to be taken care of, which often prompts me to write a list to organize what needs to get done. Additionally, it can also bring me to reflect on what "things" (action, material, accomplishment) I want to get done in order to support personal growth, development and enhancement. This is also organized into a list that spawns many sub-lists. The mental direction is rarely provoked to this path, as it is more of a natural tendency and the general purpose/associated act (lists + action plans + research) are satisfying because I feel in control of the process.
9.) What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
Best: There are two answers to this question. I feel my best when I prove, mostly through work but also through action or explanation, that I am able to solve a problem/identify an unknown issue and explain the cause and solution/display competency and capability in a capacity or area that exceeds others. This is in sync with being aesthetically pleasing without the appearance of too much effort: A beautiful face with perfect features and minimal makeup, shiny healthy hair that others have to ask if it's dyed (almost black), an unreal figure (5'11, 130 lbs, 30 DDD) and non-trendy but attractive clothing (combination of sexy and professional, or casual and sexy). I feel my absolute best when I have an intimate connection that feels both energizing and stabilizing with someone who I feel borderline "spiritually" synced to, a calm intense feeling of unjudged love and acceptance/respect that doesn't feel insincere or shallow. Connection. It will colour my life, give life to my life, etc. Every "best" feeling will always be secondary and any "worst" can be turned down.
I feel my worst in a situation that is characterized by a reversal in any of the above, particularly the last point. I feel my worst when I'm unable to apply and demonstrate either an ability or competence. I feel my worst when I can't identify causes or sources, thus am unable to explain or resolve. I feel my worst when my knowledge and resources are not fit or an incorrect fit, as well as lack there-of. I feel my worst when I do not feel physically attractive (overtired, outfit, made up, zit, bloated). I feel people consider me lesser than if i am not the most beautiful person in the room. I feel my absolute worst when I feel a change of a connection. I begin feeling I need to reestablish my value as a developed, resourceful, pragmatic and accomplished person. I begin to try and "casually" demonstrate intelligence, insight, competence, resourcefulness. I also become focused on how attractive I am, trying to preserve and enhance it - I have to be the most attractive (by all measures) and sexually appealing female. I have to be the ultimate gift. They can't not have me. This is all fuelled by a lot of subconscious mourning of the loss of connection. Accompanied by a feeling of having to win acceptance, prove value and earn respect. The best is my security, the worst is a reaction to feeling it has been lost.
10.) Let's talk about emotions. Explain what might make you feel the following, how they feel to you or how you react to the emotion:
Anger is often my response to someone behaving in a way that I can deem punishable, their behaviour becomes interpreted in what I'll view as objective and evaluated as malicious or unforgivably stupid (ie. careless) intent. My anger can manifest as controlled and cutting, or it can explode like a nuclear bomb. Not as often, it can motivated almost insidious behaviour. I am able to allow the feeling of anger activate in me physically, as oppose to sadness which I have an extremely low tolerance of. I resist sadness and will often rephrase the situation to seek solace in anger instead. Anger is a drug - in habit, use, destruction and recovery.
Shame is not foreign, but it isn't common. When it does occur, it is extremely pronounced and results in a lot of reflection. Shame is usually a response to discovering, from someone else, that my actions and behaviour has been interpreted or had an opposite affect than I had intended - the actions and behaviour would have been very deliberate in support of a specific motive or goal, so that would be the cause for shame. Shame is very discouraging. The silver lining on the black cloud is at least I can see the information as transformative.
Anxiety can be a gateway drug to anger, but it most often is just a state that I abuse when I am already questioning myself to keep myself down. Anxiety is energizing but in an unpleasant way. I FEEL out of control when I feel anxious and it makes me feel EITHER vulnerable or susceptible to making mistakes. It clouds my thoughts.
11.) Describe how you respond to the following:
Anger, shame or anxiety. Whichever will satisfy.
b.) Negative unexpected change
Anger or anxiety, whichever has the better chance of an expected outcome.
I will try to avoid engaging in conflict that is clearly self-defeating - "arguing with an idiot will only make you one." If I must, I usually become cold/distant and cutting. At worst, I am maliciously strategic in actions that are punishing (hacking, collecting information to use against them, etc.)
12. a.) What kind of role are you naturally inclined to take in a group? Why?
I am the pretty, reserved one that doesn't need to validate my presence by drawing attention to myself or befriending anyone and everyone. I have a MATERIAL professional and/or intellectual advantage on everyone, on top of it. I will give indication that I can be an engaged and approachable human by acting very openly with a limited FEW people who I have existing exposure or relationships with. I am often someone special's girlfriend in the group. Because of this in combination with the above, people can't not notice me and want to get to know me. However, this isn't necessarily a thrill nor satisfying. This is just a part I play to get through and move through the motions of these situations. It's the most appreciable yet least involved of my options, LEAST exhausting. It's also self-supporting. Put out little personality and more role, retain superficiality that is appropriate. I like to be the girl their friends wish they had.
b.) If put in power, how do you behave? Why?
I behave like a mentor, not a dictator. I'm like a teacher or paid guider, not a powerboat.
c.) Do you tend to struggle with others who have authority over you? Why?
Not if they are qualified to own the authority over myself and others. It isn't even a rebellious act, it's just a calm loss of respect that will outline their image.
13. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
14.) Comment on your relationship with trust.
My attitude towards trust tends to not be a primary focus, nor motivator, in the majority of scenarios. The ownership is different than implied by the question - I don't consider my sense of self defined by trust. It's never, "I don't trust you/I trust too easily." It's either I trust someone and thus, do not worry about it, or "I don't trust you because __" (insert reason that explains distrust in reference to a situation).
▫️ To generalize a little more, I may not trust someone to have my best interest in mind but that is supported by what I recognize as an understanding associated with either what tends to be human condition or personal personality characteristics I have observed. Trust, in itself, doesn't spark any reactive thoughts or feelings.
15.) Briefly: What religious and/or political beliefs do you have? Do you think they influenced your responses in this questionnaire?
Religion is a social tool used to make sense of human existence and validate meaningfulness of human life on earth, "humanizing" occurrence of it ("there is a grand purpose"). As with any practice that combines beliefs and lifestyle into a well-defined category (religion, politics, nation), it's a personal matter that remains irrelevant as long as it's not abused or misused. I believe that religion is more inviting to most over the alternatives - People can find Science too dark and Philosophy not user-friendly. My beliefs are rooted in philosophy, with an appreciation of science, and are not religious.
There are no past, nor current, political figures or structures that I identify with for the actual content. If anything, the dedication and passion is what's inspirational. I have political beliefs that naturally reflect my perception of what is good/bad and what is right/wrong and what is the right/wrong way to manifest good + what is the right/wrong way to correct bad. Due to having no identifiable affiliation, my political beliefs are better represented as my ethical beliefs.
Of course my "religious" and "political" beliefs, ie. my perspective on meaning and opinion on organizing human life, has influenced my answers. My attitude towards systems that have such a heavy affect on both people and society is "defining" by default.
Which of the following temptations do you find yourself acting upon the most? (And briefly state why)
- To constantly push yourself to be “the best”
If I am the best, I am desirable. If I am the best, no one can be more desirable than me. If I am the best then my partner will be more proud and affectionate towards me (note: does not reflect an absence of these qualities, working to maintain and enhance them.)
- To be without needs, well-intentioned
If I have needs that are not forgivable, then I am dependent. If I am dependent, I am not attractive. If I need things, I do not choose things. I lose ground. I lose influence. I am weak.
- To replace direct experience with concepts
If I can intellectualize my experiences then I can view them as information to use as reference, not feel them. If I am not fully engaged, then I do not have everything to lose and I will be conscious (not overrun by feelings and action.)
- To have an extreme sense of personal moral obligation
I must apply my superior moral judgement or I am no better than those who I consider less developed.
- To overuse imagination in searching for yourself