So I've been reading a lot about the enneagram these last weeks and the confusion about my core type is still troubling me.
To start, in my childhood and in the beginning of my youth I used to act a lot like a 9, I had low self-esteem and struggled to be assertive and "improve" these behaviours that were so nocive to me. I was always easy going and peaceful, though I would not back down from a discussion if I found the matter important. My goal in life was always "improve myself so I can help make the world a better place", I still keep the idea that everybody should improve so we can all work this out but well, you get the idea. I used to judge much more myself than others, I strived the best from me and being the best person was = being Nice™. I must say that I didn't "pretend" to be like that, it was natural to me + I had moral ideas to keep that way.
However, with time I really really really started to dislike being so vulnerable, I used to trust other kids too much by thinking they had the same mentality as me so being taken advantage was not rare at all. I felt horribly weak and that added with my need of constant improvement helped me (along with external help, of course) boost in willpower that I would get better after much inner work. I think it's also relevant to say that I've never "self-forget" or supress my personality, I always loved to learn more about myself. Initially I thought anger was Bad™ so it took me some time till I learnt how it was necessary to acknowledge that some harsh words that I said in much needed times were just fair.
Nowadays I'm fortunately healthy, I know that I can do anything that other people do, I have my boundaries set firmly, I voice my opinions and all of that. As I'm always studying to further my self-knowledge I met the enneagram method, there I saw how the type 9 described well the old unhealthy me, but not current me. To be honest, to see a lot of the 9 characteristics brings me, mostly, bad memories. I saw that your core type doesn't change but nowadays I resonate so well with 1w9 that I wonder if there's the possibility that I was a 1 all along but with a strong wing. In terms of core fears I relate to 1, integration and disintegration it's more 9-ish since my struggle was first being assertive and second push myself too much, even though I can see both of them (7 and 4, 3 and 6) working on me.
Maybe I'm just in denial since if I'm a 9 there's not much else to do? I already won life? Yay?
But share your thoughts, please, my 5w4 is killing me I can't stand researching anymore :,D
Edit: I just realized this is a section for MBTI personality types! I'm sorry for posting it in the wrong place! I've read that threads can be deleted when asked by the owner so, can someone from the staff do it, please? Again, my apologies <3