I'm trying to discern wether I'm an (I) or (E) NTP, or any other type really, I would be really glad if someone could help. This is very important for me, as I believe that self discovery is one if maybe not the most important aspect of a life worth living. A little info on me and why am I not so sure... kind of long post, I'll do to my best to keep it entertaining. Pd. english is not my native language.
EDIT: Added the questionary on a post below. If you don't want the big read, you may just read the questionary which is shorter. Any input helps, really, thank you deeply for your time I really appreciate it.
Background. I'm male, 27 yo atm. On high school I was very shy. I identified myself with the introverts, but I've discovered that this may have been caused by very bad parenting. My dad is emotionally absent, he has always been. My mother is very very overprotective, conceited us way too much. She wanted us to avoid negative feelings at any cost. My mother has been the most influential figure, she thinks way too much about what people think and taught us this way. She has a bad image of people overall. My parents have a very dysfunctional relationship, my mother doesn't respect my dad. In high school i felt bullied, but could never admit to anyone not even my family I felt this way, because I didn't want them to feel sorry for me.
Myself. Yet... When I was younger, my most identifiable trait was that I talked way too much, and that I questioned everything. I talked with every adult I crossed my paths with. When I went to friend houses, I sometimes enjoyed, at 8 years old or so, to talk to their parents more than spending time with my friends. I talked and talked and talked, and was always asking the why of everything, the reason behind everything. I charmed every adult. I talked to everyone with ease.
Creative fields were my favorite thing in life. In my pre-teen years, I went to the video game store and asked about every game that had creation tools/map editors. My brother played the games, I just created worlds. I could spend hours, days, weeks, sitting on my computer creating worlds, designing levels. I always challenged myself, on what was the most creative thing I could come up with. What was the thing I could create which was different from what everybody is doing, and why aren't people coming up with different ideas.
On my 20's I discovered that I enjoy people very much, contrary to my pre teen years, but are sometimes afraid by them. I've been battling my bad self image for years. I've read tons of self help and psychology books. Back on college, I felt in love with philosophy. I came to love psychology and sociology too. I love people, but not only the social side but are intrigued by them also. I want to know how I work, how people work. I'm always making theories. I've written tons of journals. I loved to analyze myself, see patterns in myself and other people. I love people, I'm excited by novelty. I prefer a new group of friends than an old one. I want to understand myself better, not only to feel better overall but also to make the world a better place to be. I believe we all have so much potential but 95% of people get stuck with limiting beliefs and poor self knowledge, or just wrong world views that make themselves and the world worse overall, without them even being concious about it. I want to do the right thing, always, not the one that feels right necessarily (although I've reached a point where I discovered that sometimes what feels right, even if it's not logical, it's the right step, but it's taken a ton of time).
I'm always playing the devils advocate. I'm always questioning the status quo. I don't care if it seems incorrect to the vast majority of people, I don't care If it makes one a black sheep, If I believe it's true and I've done enough research to know its true, If ive read and consumed enough information to make a solid opinion, I'm standing by it. For some reason, even young, I have always been like this. I always cheered on the underdog, sometimes I question if this is just because it is the way I'm engineered or because I sunconciously saw the underdog in me. But I'm not necessarily loud about it, I'm not debating everyone. I try to be intelligent about it. If I believe it's true, I've come to notice that only people that are already on a similar path of knowledge will internalize my thoughts. It's no use to debate someone who has a completely different thought train, because you would be attacking the foundations of their inner beliefs, and nobody is willing to change that over a debate. I believe actions speak louder than words so I try to stay coherent with my way of acting and the way I'm thinking. I'm constantly pushing myself in that direction because I sometimes lack the discipline to do as I think I should but I do try my best to be coherent.
My career. I like deep conversations about ideas. I need novelty. I'm inclined towars humanistic careers but also artistic ones. I believe art is important because it's a non logical language that can express even more than words, and have even deeper meaning. I studied architecture but I struggled. I loved creating the concept. I love ideas. I always charmed the profesor on the start of the semester, with the thoroughly though and innovative concept that I was proposing. But I felt flat on landing the concept. I dream but It's very hard for me to land. I hated doing blueprints. I hate doing the plans, and drawing in autocad, and solving a plan because I have a 1 meter wall but I need to put a bed and desk and have to try other solution. I dread it. I loved making the presentation, the images of the project, selling the idea as pretty as I could, speaking in front of the class about the idea that I'm proposing and feel proud about it (I have always loved presentations), love to innovate and challenge with my propositions but not doing the detailed work, so I came to hate architecture, as 80% is like that. I feel like I get stuck with just one idea for too long. Architecture is like 10% the time the idea and 90% developing a project can last for a year or two. My mind is constantly racing with new ideas. I love graphic desing, I love photography but mostly photo editing because I feel my imagination has no roof. I can imagine whatever I want and express it through an image that can be done in one or two days and soon after jump to another idea. I want to learn illustration. I have a band and, even if I'm currently going through a creative block (because I'm too hard on myself sometimes, to come up with the next big idea and neglect 90% of what I produce), I love music and composing and trying new things.
Personal relationships. I always struggle with personal relationships. I'm happy in the beggining but then soon after always wondering what if. I don't know if it's because I never have really been deeply in love or just is the way I am, only time till tell I believe... but I do know I dislike comfort, because I feel sharper when I'm challenging myself and doing unconfortable things. Long relationships make me feel like I'm not growing in ways I could or meeting people I could or challenging myself. I don't know how to handle emotions well, and tend to see even emotions on the logical side. I constantly feel I struggle with reality, always on the clouds.
Friendships. I have periods where I Isolate myself, because I have an objective and want to reach it and see social gatherings as unuseful, but I come to notice that If I isolate myself for too long I can get depressed and lose perspective. I also sometimes try to do everything on my own. I think of myself as a jack of all trades, but come to realize that I have to learn how to delegate. I love social gatherings but sadly mostly when there is alcohol involved. I believe this may be because of past traumas, because when sober I sometimes avoid people. But in parties or other gatherings if I'm happy and in the moment i'm always jumping from one group to another and chatting everyone and trying to meet new people, and have this overall happy mood. Some people, to my surprise, came to see me as the life of the party, but I had never considered myself that way before. I believe that being that way with alcohol or other drugs the unhinibit myself may be telling me something. I think when sober I judge myself too much. I sometimes feel that when sober, when I let myself go too much my internal critic alarms and shuts me. With time I'm learning to let go, and accept, through meditation, improvasation classes, reading. I don't like marihuana for social gatherings because by analytical side goes through the roof and I can't stay present.
A little more me, overall. I'm always late and struggle deeply with deadlines, because I want to do what's right not what is practical. And when it's about meeting with someone I underestimate how much time it takes to reach a destination or to do a set of things. I'm not good at time management. I can get distracted easily. I can be very messy. I struggle keeping thins organized. I struggled taking care of stuff. I know people who are very organized but my backpack can be full of trash and papers all around. I don't know, yet again, if it's just a bad habit or I'm engineered that way, and have to be very concious about it just so I won't be a total mess.
To round up... TL;DR
Sometimes I don't know if myself being logical is only a facade of my true self, emotion being trumped by logic just so it won't feel hurt again. I love doing my things alone but I can't be alone too much. I can't be alone too much because I need people. I love social gatherings when I'm able to let go, which is something I'm always striving to be better at, trying to eventually not depend on alcohol at all.
I love to talk a lot about ideas, to write, to innovate, to come up with new ideas, to challenge the quo, to do art, or whatever activity brings me novelty and lets me try different things. I love people but I'm sometimes afraid to open up. I can isolate myself to achive some goal but in the end it doesn't do me well. I'm a jack of all trades, I like to play devils advocate. I'm always coming up with new theories. I love social (humanistic) and art careers. I'm always late, I struggle with time management. I struggle with deadlines because I want to do whats right and not whats practical. I have a hard time concentrating and struggle with procastination. I can get very self concious at times, but I love social gatherings.
I THINK (not sure) I want to do good towards the world not necessarily because I feel it, but because It's a conclusion. Based on my experience, based on what I've read. I want to do what is right. I have a strong moral code. I feel bad about myself when morally I know what to do but in the end turn out to change my actions because of an insecurity. I have betrayed myself in the past before, just so someone doesn't feel hurt but I feel it's not good on most cases
I could keep writing but I think it may be enough and touched many important points.
Thank you very very much.