Okay, everyone, I'm literally new here, and I hope I'm doing this right. But I'm desperate to find my type. It's been nagging at me. Horribly. I have even bought a book and it literally only left me EVEN more confused!! I seriously have been consuming all my free time studying this. I'm obsessed and I want to be done with it!!! I was first introduced to MBTI by an internet pal (that crappy 16Personalities test) and scored INFJ. However, the more I delved into MBTI, the more I realized that I am most likely not one at all. When I take those online tests, I get a wide range of answers. I've scored INTJ, INFJ, INTP, ISFJ, INFP, ISTJ, ENFJ, ESFP, ISFP...
I just HAVE to settle on my type.
I'm an Enneagram 4w3, so ya know, identity crisis and all...
One thing I am pretty sure of is that I'm a Feeler. I've interacted with a lot of Introverted Thinkers online and really, they always end up hurting my feelings. Usually unintentionally, but I digress...
I'm very emotional. But.. my emotions are strange. I feel things deeply, I'm very sensitive. But, yet, I hate expressing affection. I prefer to show my family I love them by actions but sometimes it does eat away at me at how little I should actually tell them I love them. My emotions are extremely intense, but I HATE crying in front of people. Always have. ALWAYS. No, I was never told as a little girl not to cry in front of people, in fact, my family pushes me to tell what I feel but I just can't. I can't explain why. When I'm really upset, I shut myself in my room, and cry, and DO NOT want "coddled." I'd much rather just cry things out on my own. However, there are some cases where I do want to talk about how I'm feeling, but ONLY to those I really trust like my mom, or my eldest sister. Which reminds me..
I am SURE my eldest sister is an ISFJ. She's like the epitome of an ISFJ and she wants to touch me all the time when I am emotional and I HATE it. I always push her away, much to her offense. I don't want to offend her, but I just don't like it. Is this Fi? But I am very prone to emotional outbursts. Just recently I had foot surgery and I was soooo anxious to get out of the splint but when I got to the office, it was so painful that they told me it was best to wait. I was so disappointed tears started to form in my eyes and it took a lot of power not to cry openly. I don't think the nurses suspected how upset I was, or maybe they were, I don't know. I know that Fe is more concerned with other people's feeling than their own, but I don't know about that. Sometimes it's hard for me to be upset or feel attached to certain people, places, or things. For example, my grandmother and this is going to sound heartless...
I really don't like visiting my grandmother in the nursing home. Even before she went in there, I hated visiting. My grandmother is quite whiny and very critical of others. She makes me uncomfortable sometimes. Anyway, my sister tries to push me to go visit her when she goes and I always protest. My sister then goes into a rant about how much Grandma loves me (which I don't doubt) but I just can't make myself show affection to her. I have no connection or fond memories of her like my sister does. My sister will even start crying trying to get me to go even though all I might do is grumble a little bit. I know she's an extroverted feeler without a doubt and I see some contrasts between us all the time. Sometimes we get into fights because she will call me selfish for whatever reason, but really, like I said, I show my love through actions. My mom isn't in the best health (which I'll elaborate on further when I go into my questionnaire) and I do EVERYTHING for her as well as spending lots of physical time with her. I cannot articulate to my mother how much she actually means to me, it makes me uncomfortable because I feel it so deeply I can't express it and... I start to cry, which I hate doing in front of others 90% of the time.
ANYWAY NOW IT'S TIME FOR THIS QUESTIONNAIRE THINGY.
How have you handled being in the middle of a totally unknown situation before?
Uhm, I am not sure I really have been thrown into a completely unknown situation. Well, I take that back...
My sister, myself, and another family that's very close with us traveled all the way to Turks and Caicos (an island near Jamaica) on a vacation one summer when I was 12. This was my first time out of my home state EVER and my very first vacation as well. I was soooo excited at first! I loved the car ride with my best friend up to the airport and being on the plane for the first time was both scary and exciting. But, I was optimistic...
... Until we actually got to the resort and hung out there for a little while. I started getting very homesick. I missed my mom, my home, everything, all of a sudden, and being out of the country I couldn't just call my mom and talk to her for comfort. I remember even doing this when I was little and I visited my other sister's house. I was perfectly fine and even enjoyed myself at her house all day until bed time and then I got really emotional and homesick and she drove me back home.
But! Back to my vacation experience. It was only the first initial day or two that I kept feeling really homesick and it always came in random spurts. But, after that, I started to enjoy myself. In fact, really, sometimes I wish I could go back now and fully enjoy the experience where I could not when I was little. Because now I sure could!
How do you respond in a crisis?
Alright, this one is about to get personal... I actually have TWO crisis' that I went through and I reacted the same way. My memory is actually a bit hazy, because it was so... I don't know, fearful.
One rainy but normal summer day in July, my life changed forever.
Since it was raining outside, our television reception had been down and my father asked me if I knew how to fix it (my father was 64 years old and not the most tech savvy) and I told him it was just the rain and proceeded on to the bathroom to take a shower. I came back out, he was still fine, we even exchanged a couple words (in fact, I think he was asking me if I was done in the bathroom) and I went into my room for something. Well, I came back out just maybe five minutes later and I found my father face down on the floor. My father had some health issues prior, but I don't really want to elaborate on those. Anyway, my first reaction was "Get Mom" which flashed through my head because I didn't want to handle the situation. I immediately knew something was VERY wrong. I didn't even get close to him after I saw him on the floor. I KNEW it was something bad, but I flew into some sort of panic and couldn't deal with it on my own. I went and got Mom, who was sitting outside talking on the phone with her sister, and said "Mom. Dad is on the floor!" she sprang up and went inside. I stayed in the kitchen where I couldn't see him or her because I didn't want to. I was so scared I was quivering. I heard her keep yelling his name with no response. Then she ran into the kitchen and called 911. Then I BOLTED out of the house as fast as I could, in my pajamas and wet hair and all, and I didn't give a single thought to how wet and muddy it was. We lived in the country at that time, so I just kept running out to the mulberry tree at the very edge of our property. Oh, I did grab my cell phone I guess before I bolted. Or maybe I already had it in my hand? I don't remember. But I had it because I immediately called my eldest sister, who was at work, to tell her what happened. Then, suddenly, though I was still scared, the adrenaline became almost zen-like in my head and I was in some sort of strange, disconnected haze. But I remember clinging to hope that he was okay, that they would revive him, and started thinking about what could have happened to him. Did he accidentally overdose on his medication? Once before, my father fell asleep in the floor just like I had found him before, but I KNEW this time was different for some reason. I can't explain how I knew this. The ambulance arrived and I still couldn't make myself go in the house. Actually, it was a neighbor that saw the the ambulance and me pacing wildly up and down the edge of my property like an anxious tiger that felt a kindness in her heart to help me and coax me inside. However, when I went in, I discovered my father had died. I think it's unnecessary to elaborate on this one further.
The second instance happened a year ago with my mother, who had a TIA. I remember waking up early in the morning with my sister talking VERY loudly to my mother and got up. Of course, she was having a stroke, so she was incoherent. It was very scary for me because I actually had no knowledge to what a stroke looked like. I know the night before she was really bad, but she kept telling us it was her new medication and that the doctor said it would make her do this. We didn't totally believe her, but my mom is a very stubborn woman who refused to go to the hospital. Anyway, my sister proceeded to call 911 and I did almost the exact same thing, except this time I dashed into my room (we moved into town and it was snowy outside and I knew I couldn't leave my sister in the house. She's almost as bad in a crisis as I am. Almost...) in a panic and called my other sister immediately and then my brother. I remember peeking outside to see if my sister was handling it, and she was, but then panic set in again and I retreated to my room where I continued to pace and that zen-like, disconnected state of mind that happened with my dad returned. Only this time, I began almost praying to whatever higher force not to let this happen again, not to let my mom die too, etc. I was so disconnected with my environment that I didn't even hear the ambulance sirens pull into our home or even them enter my home. My sister came in my room and told me the paramedics arrived and MADE me come out of my room where I was snapped back to reality because I had to answer their questions (I was the last person to interact with Mom the night before when we went to bed)
by the way, my Mom is fine. She nearly didn't make it, though. In fact, now she's in the best health she's been since my dad passed.
Okay, yeah, that was probably painful to read for some people. Sorry! :(
What is your first thought when hearing that something bad has happened?
Well, for example, when someone tells me about a car accident, I always ask them what exactly happened. I want to know the details/story. Next, I ask them if the person in the car accident is okay.
I had a specific instance when my dog got hit by semi-truck (she survived, by the way) but I literally don't remember my reaction. I was young and can't recall the details. I do remember being very worried about her, obviously, and I did cry more outwardly this time.
Do you struggle to get what is in your head out on paper in a way that others can understand?
Well, I am right now! Haha. I'm very good at doing this when creative writing, but as far as explaining a process, not really? Like if someone were to ask me how I do something, say, ride a horse, I would struggle to explain it. When it comes to how to do a physical action I absolutely cannot put it into words. I always just say "ah, move over and watch me."
Even showing my mom how to do something on the computer is frustrating.
Are you frequently misunderstood, or do people compliment you on being straightforward and easy to understand?
As I touched on in the previous answer, I'm often misunderstood. For example, I've tried to explain clearly what MBTI is to my sister, but I fumble about and end up confusing her, though it makes sense to me.
How impulsive are you in the BIG THINGS? Relationships? Major purchases? Trip planning?
Not at all. I can't even buy a mascara without thoroughly reading the package on several ones. Relationships? Nope. i'm the first to admit I'm picky. I want to know the guy very well before I date him. Actually... I'm almost 20 and never had a boyfriend because of this. I should really let loose more..
Friends are a bit different. I love making friends. Trip planning? Yeah, like for example, my horse shows, I want to know the route we are going to take, what hotel we are going to stay at, how we get from the hotel to the fair grounds, etc.
What is the area you have made the most mistakes in?
Giving up on things. When I was little, I would start activities, and if they were intimidating to me or wasn't as interesting as I thought it would be, I would quit.
And let's see, being indecisive. I can't decide on anything. Like recently I was so overwhelmed with choosing a career to study for. Game designer? Cosmetologist? Vet tech? Agricultural sciences? Theater? I tried ever single one and found problems with all them but yet I want to do all of them! With game design, I struggled with my confidence in the traditional art courses. One teacher absolutely crushed my already low self esteem. NEXT. Cosmetology wore me out quickly because I have some social anxiety and working with clients stressed me to the max. But I LOVED learning the techniques and realized that I liked the knowledge for myself rather than make a career out of it. Theater? Love it. But, I realized that getting a stable job in that field is slim to none. I haven't given up on it, though, it's my minor! Agricultural sciences? Only if I could be sure I would land a job working with horses, and I could have, but I sort of worried that even though I've been taking riding lessons since I was four, that my lack of hands-on experience would make a stable job less secure. Vet tech? It's purely a matter of self esteem. I fear that I won't be able to catch on to those tedious processes it entails and that I'd be too disorganized to handle it. But, it's is what I've decided to do. I need to put aside my worry, and do it, because animals are my true passion in life. WOW I'm rambling!
Also, I'm the world's worst procrastinator, and always stress out to the max trying to get things done before the deadlines. But, I never learn. :P
Do you often feel “empty” of emotion yourself, but find it very easy to cry when you see someone else’s pain?
Me? Empty of emotion? I WISH. I'm always feeling something. Always. I hate it. And no, I don't cry easy when I see someone else's pain. And I hate that too. I hate feeling like I'm cold on the outside. I'm not! I'm sad for you! So sad, but I can't make myself cry unless I'm going through what you are. However, I used to hug/hold people all the time when they were sad! I didn't cry with them, but I gave them physical comfort and verbal reassurance. That is until one time, someone actually pushed me away, and it hurt me, I felt rejected. (Ironically, I do that with my sister, KARMA ANYONE!?) Now I'm more careful about when I do that. I will read the person carefully to see if they want comfort, and if I feel they will, I will gladly give it. I won't cry with them, however, I just can't....
Sad songs and movies will make me cry though. :P
Or do you find it hard to express your own feelings, which you feel intensely?
Uhm, YES. SO MUCH YES. The ONLY way I can properly articulate my feelings is WRITING them. Even then, it's quite.. metaphorical. Like I was feeling depressed a day or so ago and told my friend that I feel "like a bird on the ground with clipped wings, looking to the sky where I belong, but cannot reach it."
However, when I'm having an outburst, it's just hard crying, very intense for a little while, and then it just.. stops. I still feel it inside, but not as intensely, and then I feel so much better and bounce back.
Okay, this was LONG winded. I'M SORRY! Lol.
FEEL FREE TO ASK ME ANY MORE QUESTIONS. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR TIME!