Boring other people

teddy564339 · May 29, 2011

One thing that I am extremely sensitive about is boring other people, especially people that I like.

This is definitely down to my Fe and my service-oriented ISFJness. We've talked before a lot about putting others before ourselves. For me, this plays out in social situations in terms of boring others.

For example, if me and another person are trying to figure out what to do, I'll be very cautious about pushing one of my own ideas on them. I may offer an idea, but if they don't sound interested, I won't push us to do it. Unless I'm sure that they'll enjoy it, I won't want to do it, because I don't want them to be unhappy or bored.

But the thing is that I don't hold myself to that same standard. If there's something they really want to do but that I don't really feel like, I'll usually go along and do it with them because I know it makes them happy.

These are the kinds of little double standards that I create in life a lot of times, and it's another example of how ISFJs can let others take advantage of them.

The funny thing is that how good this makes me feel greatly depends upon the situation. For example...if I'm with a friend that I like a lot, the boredom is worth seeing them happy. When I look back on it, I'll forget about my boredom during the activity, but I'll remember how good it made me feel to make them happy. I'll usually even hide my boredom during the activity because I don't want to take away from their happiness.

On the other hand, there are other situations where I'll just do what the other person wants to avoid a conflict. I end up then being horribly bored during the activity and later on wish that I had never agreed to do it in the first place.

So once again I see how this can be a good thing and a bad thing, all depending upon the situation.

But still...I guess I just can't stand the idea of pushing my own desires on someone. If I know I'm boring them in the slightest, I won't want to do what I personally really want. The only way I'll go for it is if they give me every assurance that they want to do what I want, or that they're completely fine with it. My one INFJ friend's Fe comes out in those situations sometimes....she and I have even slightly argued over doing what the other person wants to do, since we're so sensitive to pushing our own wants on each other. :wink:

So what do other ISFJs think about this?

kittychris07 · May 29, 2011

I'm not sure if I've actually thought about it. Usually I just discuss what I want to do with my friends, and we figure something out that we both want to do. I don't think I have had a hard time turning people down if their activity didn't interest me, unless they were really insistant about us trying the activity.

Emerson · May 29, 2011

/Yawns/ Boring...

The above post was probably in jest.

teddy564339 · May 29, 2011

Emerson said:
/Yawns/ Boring...

The above post was probably in jest.

Exactly the kind of response one would stereotypically expect from an INTJ. :tongue:

Emerson · May 29, 2011

teddy564339 said:
Exactly the kind of response one would stereotypically expect from an INTJ. :tongue:

I try my best

dizzygirl · May 30, 2011

Hey!! :happy:
Well, i have this friend(who im quite sure is an ISFJ) who is the most wonderful, caring, responsible and intelligent person i have come across. I always enjoy our discussions, exchange of theories and conversations! but she has this notion that she is a boring person and it often has surfaced in some of our conversations.
It couldn't be further from the truth!
I don't know about isfjs in general but she is SO awesome. and really I can't see why you will be anything but awesome considering u r our J counterparts! ^^

teddy564339 · May 30, 2011

dizzygirl said:
Hey!! :happy:
Well, i have this friend(who im quite sure is an ISFJ) who is the most wonderful, caring, responsible and intelligent person i have come across. I always enjoy our discussions, exchange of theories and conversations! but she has this notion that she is a boring person and it often has surfaced in some of our conversations.
It couldn't be further from the truth!
I don't know about isfjs in general but she is SO awesome. and really I can't see why you will be anything but awesome considering u r our J counterparts! ^^

I posted this same post in the INFJ forum, and I think I learned something really important from one of the INFJs there.

http://personalitycafe.com/infj-forum-protectors/56417-boring-other-people.html

I think because of our Si and Fe, sometimes we ISFJs have a need to be....perfect. Because we use our Si so much, I think we internalize and remember a lot of little things that other types don't. Because of that, I think it makes us be very self aware of a lot of things about us. But, because of our Fe, we also end up being very sensitive to how our actions affect other people.

So I think part of the reason why myself and your friend might view ourselves as boring when others don't is that we feel like if we're not interesting 100% of the time, that means we're not interesting. Any little boring thing we do really sticks out to us a lot, and we latch onto it.

Of course, this is a completely irrational thing to do. But sometimes it helps a lot to get outside perspectives, such as yours and the INFJs in that other thread, to make us realize that we don't need to focus on every single little detail. It's ok if we're not constantly being interesting or entertaining someone else...they just like us for who we are.

dizzygirl · May 31, 2011

:happy: That was a very understandable explanation. I completely sympathize coz i used to do that before.

Nonconsensus · May 31, 2011

Are INTJs welcome to answer this?

I have a friend who's an ISFJ. I got to know him via another friend, we've never met, and we've only interacted this far in an online game that we're both playing together.

Before I came to know and understand MBTI types, as well as finding out that he was an ISFJ, I used to find him a strange bore. He could hold monologues uninterrupted about the environment graphics in the game, and he made so much comment about every single detail that I hardly enough noticed since I only cared about the game systems.

After we got to know each other a little bit more, his topics went on to more personal things, such as his amazing ability to remember complex words, where he learnt them, how he learnt them, what he did with the words and all that stuff. It was also weird to me how he could go at length about the battle with a cockroach in his luggage.

But later, I found him to be rather cooperative (when he was in a good mood). Sometimes he sounded very unsure about whether I was interested in the same activity as he was. Fortunately, I happen to enjoy cooperative modes in a game, and so I tended to agree to his suggestions for activities.

Now that I read your post, he does sound a lot like that. When people showed reluctance to go on the same activity, he'd find some really awkward ways to tell us how he doesn't feel like doing that activity anymore.

After knowing that he's an ISFJ, a lot of the things he does make a lot more sense now, so I actually pay more attention to what he's saying ever since. Otherwise, we were quite frequently fighting over our differences, especially how he didn't understand why I kept talking about things he couldn't understand.

Just to let you know, yeah, people do like you for who you are. The agreeableness to cooperate is invaluable.

The Exception · May 31, 2011

teddy564339 said:
For example, if me and another person are trying to figure out what to do, I'll be very cautious about pushing one of my own ideas on them. I may offer an idea, but if they don't sound interested, I won't push us to do it. Unless I'm sure that they'll enjoy it, I won't want to do it, because I don't want them to be unhappy or bored.

But the thing is that I don't hold myself to that same standard. If there's something they really want to do but that I don't really feel like, I'll usually go along and do it with them because I know it makes them happy.

I'm very much the same way. I hate the thought of pushing my desires on someone. It feels selfish and if the other people reluctantly go along with what I want, I can't enjoy myself because I know the others aren't having a good time.

I'm more inclined to go along with what others want for that reason. If it's someone I deeply care about sometimes their enjoyment of the activity can bring me happiness even if I don't personally enjoy it myself. On the other hand, it can be stressful trying to hide my boredom from them because I don't want to hurt their feelings or spoil their fun.

MCRTS · Jul 6, 2011

I try to compromise. We do the things we BOTH love, and we give and take. Sometimes I do stuff she likes, and sometimes she does stuff I like. But if I really dislike something my friend wants to do, I would dwaddle and drag the time. In the end, we don't do it all. LOL.

People say ISFJs are boring. That's probably one of the reasons why most ISFJs so afraid of coming off as boring. But my ISFJs sisters and brothers, we all know we're interesting people aren't we? Those poor, misguided people don't know half of it. In fact, I've initiated many an interesting conversation with my close friends.

Reasons why we may come off as boring:

- Most ISFJs don't do small talk.
- Quiet around strangers/people that we don't know well.
- Fear of coming off as boring which makes us clam up, making us even more boring to the opposite party.

teddy564339 · Jul 6, 2011

MCRTS said:
I try to compromise. We do the things we BOTH love, and we give and take. Sometimes I do stuff she likes, and sometimes she does stuff I like. But if I really dislike something my friend wants to do, I would dwaddle and drag the time. In the end, we don't do it all. LOL.

People say ISFJs are boring. That's probably one of the reasons why most ISFJs so afraid of coming off as boring. But my ISFJs sisters and brothers, we all know we're interesting people aren't we? Those poor, misguided people don't know half of it. In fact, I've initiated many an interesting conversation with my close friends.

Reasons why we may come off as boring:

- Most ISFJs don't do small talk.
- Quiet around strangers/people that we don't know well.
- Fear of coming off as boring which makes us clam up, making us even more boring to the opposite party.

Yeah, I agree with you. However, I did recently make this post:

http://personalitycafe.com/isfj-forum-nurturers/60640-loosening-up.html

And I think this recent experience of mine has really helped me a lot in this area. I know that I myself am pretty timid a lot of times, and that I don't worry about this nearly as much when I can just relax and enjoy myself around people. It can be hard and scary to let go, but I've found that in general people either like it or don't care, and for those that have a problem...really, in the end, they don't matter.

Lunamir24 · Jul 9, 2011

I could really relate to your post @teddy564339

I usually do that with people I like & enjoy too. I will put their well-being & happiness above my own.. because if they are having a good time, I probably will too (it's like I absorb their energy). I would hate to enjoy myself knowing that they aren't and would feel guilty. So I guess I can end up being a doormat at times and seem indecisive.. since I can never really decide what I want myself unless I felt everyone else was fine with it. That's probably why my friends tend to like & enjoy my company because I can be so nice & accommodating and always try to leave them with a good feeling. .. And yeah I think part of it could be because I don't want to take the chance of boring them. I rather be bored myself and accompany them on what they enjoy instead.

I do feel like I get taken advantage sometimes though.. especially if I'm with someone who is a bit self-centered. Eventually I might get tired of accommodating them all the time, while they don't even pay attention to my happiness or ask if I'm enjoying myself.. or at the very least thank me. -_- I guess it's because I tend to go along to make others happy, so I get a bit upset if I keep doing it but they don't even appreciate it & just expect it instead. I know I shouldn't expect anything in return, but it's just a disappointing feeling when you care about someone's well-being & state of happiness but they never seem to share that concern back for you.

I tend go along a lot & stay flexible, especially if I'm in a good mood & like the person... however, if I don't enjoy or care much for the company I'm in, then I won't really have a hard time declining invites or insisting on things I'd like to do, instead of going along with others.

Razare · Jul 10, 2011

teddy564339 said:
But still...I guess I just can't stand the idea of pushing my own desires on someone. If I know I'm boring them in the slightest, I won't want to do what I personally really want. The only way I'll go for it is if they give me every assurance that they want to do what I want, or that they're completely fine with it. My one INFJ friend's Fe comes out in those situations sometimes....she and I have even slightly argued over doing what the other person wants to do, since we're so sensitive to pushing our own wants on each other. :wink:

Just from my experience when I go off on some complicated tangent explaining something to my ISFJ friend, he gets bored. He usually lets me know but sometimes he doesn't.

Or when I explain my spiritual beliefs to him, he seems really on the fence about those. Sometimes we argue and that's never boring! I know he hates arguing but INFJ's don't mind it sometimes. >.> At least I don't... keeps some spice in the friendship.

U-80 · Jul 11, 2011

Lunamir24 said:
I usually do that with people I like & enjoy too. I will put their well-being & happiness above my own.. because if they are having a good time, I probably will too (it's like I absorb their energy). I would hate to enjoy myself knowing that they aren't and would feel guilty. So I guess I can end up being a doormat at times and seem indecisive.. since I can never really decide what I want myself unless I felt everyone else was fine with it. That's probably why my friends tend to like & enjoy my company because I can be so nice & accommodating and always try to leave them with a good feeling. .. And yeah I think part of it could be because I don't want to take the chance of boring them. I rather be bored myself and accompany them on what they enjoy instead.

That sounds exactly like my brother (ISFJ). I'm understanding him a lot better since reading this forum!

A major part of his personality is his ability to entertain. When he's around family or close friends, he's literally the life of the party. I certainly would not describe him as boring. He likes to get everybody laughing and enjoying themselves, and he has the comedic talent to do it. However, it's a different story with people he's not familiar or comfortable with. He does a good impression of a boring person around them... it's like a defense mechanism, to minimize unwanted social contact.

stickr · Jul 11, 2011

I can relate to this a lot! But it's probably a little bit of the E that probably makes me talk a little more about things than I should that doesn't help either.

teddy564339 · Jul 11, 2011

FluffyCloud said:
A major part of his personality is his ability to entertain. When he's around family or close friends, he's literally the life of the party. I certainly would not describe him as boring. He likes to get everybody laughing and enjoying themselves, and he has the comedic talent to do it. However, it's a different story with people he's not familiar or comfortable with. He does a good impression of a boring person around them... it's like a defense mechanism, to minimize unwanted social contact.

I'm kind of like that too, just maybe not as strongly. I'm usually pretty good at making my close friends laugh, because I've known them for so long and I just say whatever goofy thing pops into my mind. I think ISFJs can have very quirky senses of humor, but I think we feel like only a few people around us "get" our humor, so we don't share it much with others out of fear of people thinking we're immature, annoying or stupid.

I wouldn't say I'm ever the "life of the party" like your brother...but I definitely think I can make close friends laugh and enjoy themselves.

CaptainWildChild · Jan 24, 2013

Emerson said:
I try my best

Hahaha! Thi made my evening a bit better you have my thanks haha

CaptainWildChild · Jan 24, 2013

How about Entps?

I too have a friend who is an isfj before I knew she was an isfj it was an nightmare.. She was just incredibly boring, did not want to take any risks, if we were going to do something she would start to over-plan. Were often passive angry that I didn't notice at all until it all burst out..
Now that I do know that she is an isfj I have a much more understanding towards her andwe have a much more healthier friendship. I really appreciate her qualities but I do not think I could be around her for a longer time, it is just tiring.

Tula13 · Jan 25, 2013

CaptainWildChild said:
How about Entps?

I too have a friend who is an isfj before I knew she was an isfj it was an nightmare.. She was just incredibly boring, did not want to take any risks, if we were going to do something she would start to over-plan. Were often passive angry that I didn't notice at all until it all burst out..
Now that I do know that she is an isfj I have a much more understanding towards her andwe have a much more healthier friendship. I really appreciate her qualities but I do not think I could be around her for a longer time, it is just tiring.

I'm glad studying MBTI is helping you get along better with ISFJs, it's helping me get along better with ENTPs too.

The shitty thing about being an ISFJ is it can create a loop where you're afraid of sounding boring and/or upsetting people, so you don't say or do anything at all, and in turn appear boring and upsetting people. Si adds to this loop with that little voice that says "Remember that time you suggested something and everyone hated it? Don't do that again." Being Si doms also means we're naturally not that creative, so sometimes we genuinely cannot think of anything to say or do or suggest.

This is why ISFJs often are often silent or "boring" in social situations. :/

Boring other people

teddy564339

kittychris07

Emerson

teddy564339

Emerson

dizzygirl

teddy564339

dizzygirl

Nonconsensus

The Exception

MCRTS

teddy564339

Lunamir24

Razare

U-80

stickr

teddy564339

CaptainWildChild

CaptainWildChild

Tula13

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