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thoughtful.one

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Discussion starter · #1 · (Edited)
So my latest obsession has been the idea of emotional intelligence. People with high emotional intelligence can recognize their own and other people's emotions and effectively use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior.

INTPs have an interesting relationship with feelings. It's been my experience that INTPs feel them intensely. Emotions make us feel vulnerable and out of control. As a result, some INTPs try to ignore their emotions and pretend that nothing bothers them. Because of this, they can sometimes get caught in negative emotions for a long time, leading them to retreat into themselves. Or they build up the emotions inside until they explode.

Recently I've really wanted to have more control over my emotions. I've discovered that emotions come directly from thoughts. Our life experiences run through a filter made up of our fears and past experiences which then creates emotional reactions. Therefore, the way we feel relies on how we have interpreted a situation.

I've discovered that the best way to make myself feel better is to logic my way out of it. I seek to explain why I'm feeling the way that I am and craft a solution so that I don't have to feel that negative emotion again.

While I can go through this process alone, it helps to have someone there to help me see what I'm missing. What I think INTPs need most in friends and relationships is someone who we feel safe sharing their emotions with but who are able to help us logic through the problem. I have a great ENFP friend who is that for me.

Feelers overcome negative emotions by finding someone else to justify their emotions and make them feel loved. Most of the time they don't want advice. They just want someone to listen. This approach doesn't help me. To me, it comes across as useless complaining.

Emotions make life interesting and all types deal with them differently. I'm working on increasing my emotional intelligence - realizing how I deal with emotions and how the people in my life deal with emotions.

Anyway, I'd love to hear your thoughts about how INTPs deal with emotion and how we can have more emotional intelligence!
 
#2 ·
@thoughtful.one that's an interesting perspective on emotions! I never thought about it that way. I'm just browsing through the INTP forum to see what i can learn because i'm the opposite type :tongue:

It's true, my INTP friends would agree to this. And the INTPs i know who are not my friends would never admit feeling emotions intensely, so i'm impressed that you managed to post this on the Internet :proud:

I complain and rant uselessly a lot, haha. But i can understand why you would prefer to have solutions rather than somebody there to listen - i mean, we have to solve the problem at hand, right?

I think you're right about having someone there to listen to your thought process, see what's missing. Logic-ing your way out of it seems like a nice way to solve problems, but if you want to improve your EQ in general, that's gonna take a while. First of all, you need to accept emotions - which i see you're already doing.

Maybe a good way to recognize emotions is to start off by organizing and analyzing them, either in your head or on a piece of paper. Whatever works for you. Or you could just talk to your friends, maybe the same ENFP who helps you talk through your problems.

It's great that you recognized this idea and decided to try to improve yourself with it, though :proud: good luck on achieving your goal!
 
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#3 ·
Hmm. Logic doesn't always solve everything when it comes to emotions. We can rationalize things, but not always accept it. While we see the intellectual side of things, sometimes our hearts make it hard to accept the emotional side of what we are feeling. Thus, this creates a loop.
 
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#4 ·
As already stated, trying to use logic in dealing with emotions will only go so far, but it doesn't address them and help you deal with them. My solution when feeling a powerful emotion is to sit really still and hope it goes away.
 
#6 ·
I have also learned recently to recognize when my emotions are inhibiting my rationale. I like you, try to logic my way out. However, there are glaringly obvious times (hindsight is 20/20) when I am just "tripping". My tactic thus far is to try to wait it out, usually when I am in this mode my intuition is going haywire and pointing me in the wrong direction. I have to learn to not trust myself and think about the situation later. Meanwhile I'm just kind of fucked emotionally and I guess music or distractions help... Or sleep.

I've found this emotional intelligence to be much stronger in assessing others than it is with myself. I often find it difficult to understand or verbalize my emotional distress but I am 10x better doing it for someone else
 
#7 ·
If I bang my head against the wall hard enough, perhaps I will learn more about emotions because I know for sure it causes great pain.

Hold please. I see my world is spiraling. I may be developing an epiphany any minute now.
 
Discussion starter · #8 ·
Bunnyntrevor said:
I have also learned recently to recognize when my emotions are inhibiting my rationale. I like you, try to logic my way out. However, there are glaringly obvious times (hindsight is 20/20) when I am just "tripping". My tactic thus far is to try to wait it out, usually when I am in this mode my intuition is going haywire and pointing me in the wrong direction. I have to learn to not trust myself and think about the situation later. Meanwhile I'm just kind of fucked emotionally and I guess music or distractions help... Or sleep.
Click to expand...
I think that if you remember that an emotion is just a physiological response, and you sit with the emotion and just feel it mindfully - the emotion passes more quickly than if you try to distract yourself. This has made a huge difference for me recently. Once I let the physical emotion pass, I can think more clearly and I can reason it through.

I watched this really great youtube video about this if you're interested - How To Deal With Strong Negative Emotions, Actualized.org.
 
#9 ·
In psychology there are plenty of coping mechanisms people use to handle their emotions. Whether they are good or not varies depending on the problem and the reaction.

Here's a quick list of 15 coping mechanism.

Primitive Defense Mechanisms

1. Denial

 
Denial is the refusal to accept reality or fact, acting as if a painful event, thought or feeling did not exist. It is considered one of the most primitive of the defense mechanisms because it is characteristic of early childhood development. Many people use denial in their everyday lives to avoid dealing with painful feelings or areas of their life they don’t wish to admit. For instance, a person who is a functioning alcoholic will often simply deny they have a drinking problem, pointing to how well they function in their job and relationships.


2. Regression

 
Regression is the reversion to an earlier stage of development in the face of unacceptable thoughts or impulses. For an example an adolescent who is overwhelmed with fear, anger and growing sexual impulses might become clingy and start exhibiting earlier childhood behaviors he has long since overcome, such as bedwetting. An adult may regress when under a great deal of stress, refusing to leave their bed and engage in normal, everyday activities.


3. Acting Out

 
Acting Out is performing an extreme behavior in order to express thoughts or feelings the person feels incapable of otherwise expressing. Instead of saying, “I’m angry with you,” a person who acts out may instead throw a book at the person, or punch a hole through a wall. When a person acts out, it can act as a pressure release, and often helps the individual feel calmer and peaceful once again. For instance, a child’s temper tantrum is a form of acting out when he or she doesn’t get his or her way with a parent. Self-injury may also be a form of acting-out, expressing in physical pain what one cannot stand to feel emotionally.


4. Dissociation

 
Dissociation is when a person loses track of time and/or person, and instead finds another representation of their self in order to continue in the moment. A person who dissociates often loses track of time or themselves and their usual thought processes and memories. People who have a history of any kind of childhood abuse often suffer from some form of dissociation. In extreme cases, dissociation can lead to a person believing they have multiple selves (“multiple personality disorder”). People who use dissociation often have a disconnected view of themselves in their world. Time and their own self-image may not flow continuously, as it does for most people. In this manner, a person who dissociates can “disconnect” from the real world for a time, and live in a different world that is not cluttered with thoughts, feelings or memories that are unbearable.


5. Compartmentalization

 
Compartmentalization is a lesser form of dissociation, wherein parts of oneself are separated from awareness of other parts and behaving as if one had separate sets of values. An example might be an honest person who cheats on their income tax return and keeps their two value systems distinct and un-integrated while remaining unconscious of the cognitive dissonance.


6. Projection

 
Projection is the misattribution of a person’s undesired thoughts, feelings or impulses onto another person who does not have those thoughts, feelings or impulses. Projection is used especially when the thoughts are considered unacceptable for the person to express, or they feel completely ill at ease with having them. For example, a spouse may be angry at their significant other for not listening, when in fact it is the angry spouse who does not listen. Projection is often the result of a lack of insight and acknowledgement of one’s own motivations and feelings.


7. Reaction Formation

 
Reaction Formation is the converting of unwanted or dangerous thoughts, feelings or impulses into their opposites. For instance, a woman who is very angry with her boss and would like to quit her job may instead be overly kind and generous toward her boss and express a desire to keep working there forever. She is incapable of expressing the negative emotions of anger and unhappiness with her job, and instead becomes overly kind to publicly demonstrate her lack of anger and unhappiness.


Less Primitive, More Mature Defense Mechanisms

Less primitive defense mechanisms are a step up from the primitive defense mechanisms in the previous section. Many people employ these defenses as adults, and while they work okay for many, they are not ideal ways of dealing with our feelings, stress and anxiety. If you recognize yourself using a few of these, don’t feel bad – everybody does.

8. Repression

 
Repression is the unconscious blocking of unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses. The key to repression is that people do it unconsciously, so they often have very little control over it. “Repressed memories” are memories that have been unconsciously blocked from access or view. But because memory is very malleable and ever-changing, it is not like playing back a DVD of your life. The DVD has been filtered and even altered by your life experiences, even by what you’ve read or viewed.


9. Displacement

 
Displacement is the redirecting of thoughts feelings and impulses directed at one person or object, but taken out upon another person or object. People often use displacement when they cannot express their feelings in a safe manner to the person they are directed at. The classic example is the man who gets angry at his boss, but can’t express his anger to his boss for fear of being fired. He instead comes home and kicks the dog or starts an argument with his wife. The man is redirecting his anger from his boss to his dog or wife. Naturally, this is a pretty ineffective defense mechanism, because while the anger finds a route for expression, it’s misapplication to other harmless people or objects will cause additional problems for most people.


10. Intellectualization

 
Intellectualization is the overemphasis on thinking when confronted with an unacceptable impulse, situation or behavior without employing any emotions whatsoever to help mediate and place the thoughts into an emotional, human context. Rather than deal with the painful associated emotions, a person might employ intellectualization to distance themselves from the impulse, event or behavior. For instance, a person who has just been given a terminal medical diagnosis, instead of expressing their sadness and grief, focuses instead on the details of all possible fruitless medical procedures.


11. Rationalization

 
Rationalization is putting something into a different light or offering a different explanation for one’s perceptions or behaviors in the face of a changing reality. For instance, a woman who starts dating a man she really, really likes and thinks the world of is suddenly dumped by the man for no reason. She reframes the situation in her mind with, “I suspected he was a loser all along.”


12. Undoing

 
Undoing is the attempt to take back an unconscious behavior or thought that is unacceptable or hurtful. For instance, after realizing you just insulted your significant other unintentionally, you might spend then next hour praising their beauty, charm and intellect. By “undoing” the previous action, the person is attempting to counteract the damage done by the original comment, hoping the two will balance one another out.


Mature Defense Mechanisms

Mature defense mechanisms are often the most constructive and helpful to most adults, but may require practice and effort to put into daily use. While primitive defense mechanisms do little to try and resolve underlying issues or problems, mature defenses are more focused on helping a person be a more constructive component of their environment. People with more mature defenses tend to be more at peace with themselves and those around them.

13. Sublimation

 
Sublimation is simply the channeling of unacceptable impulses, thoughts and emotions into more acceptable ones. For instance, when a person has sexual impulses they would like not to act upon, they may instead focus on rigorous exercise. Refocusing such unacceptable or harmful impulses into productive use helps a person channel energy that otherwise would be lost or used in a manner that might cause the person more anxiety.

Sublimation can also be done with humor or fantasy. Humor, when used as a defense mechanism, is the channeling of unacceptable impulses or thoughts into a light-hearted story or joke. Humor reduces the intensity of a situation, and places a cushion of laughter between the person and the impulses. Fantasy, when used as a defense mechanism, is the channeling of unacceptable or unattainable desires into imagination. For example, imagining one’s ultimate career goals can be helpful when one experiences temporary setbacks in academic achievement. Both can help a person look at a situation in a different way, or focus on aspects of the situation not previously explored.


14. Compensation

 
Compensation is a process of psychologically counterbalancing perceived weaknesses by emphasizing strength in other arenas. By emphasizing and focusing on one’s strengths, a person is recognizing they cannot be strong at all things and in all areas in their lives. For instance, when a person says, “I may not know how to cook, but I can sure do the dishes!,” they’re trying to compensate for their lack of cooking skills by emphasizing their cleaning skills instead. When done appropriately and not in an attempt to over-compensate, compensation is defense mechanism that helps reinforce a person’s self-esteem and self-image.


15. Assertiveness

 
Assertiveness is the emphasis of a person’s needs or thoughts in a manner that is respectful, direct and firm. Communication styles exist on a continuum, ranging from passive to aggressive, with assertiveness falling neatly inbetween. People who are passive and communicate in a passive manner tend to be good listeners, but rarely speak up for themselves or their own needs in a relationship. People who are aggressive and communicate in an aggressive manner tend to be good leaders, but often at the expense of being able to listen empathetically to others and their ideas and needs. People who are assertive strike a balance where they speak up for themselves, express their opinions or needs in a respectful yet firm manner, and listen when they are being spoken to. Becoming more assertive is one of the most desired communication skills and helpful defense mechanisms most people want to learn, and would benefit in doing so.


Source: 15 Common Defense Mechanisms | Psych Central
 
Discussion starter · #12 · (Edited)
SimplyRivers said:
I'm confused on how you use logic to fix your emotions; emotions are illogical.
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The appraisal theory explains that emotions actually are logical. When our experiences run through that filter of thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, and expectations, we have an emotional reaction.

This is why different people can have totally different reactions to the same experience - because they have different filters.

What I've been trying to do when I feel a negative emotion is find out why I feel that way, which of my beliefs it's threatening or which of my fears it's striking. How is the situation hitting my ego?

For example, if I'm angry with someone because I feel they are condescending about a certain topic. I ask myself if I put some of my self-worth in that knowledge, or if they are stirring up my fear of not being intelligent (something I deeply value). It takes honest reflection but when you discover the fundamental belief that is causing the issue, it provides a lot of peace. And then I can work on changing the filter so that the next time I am around this condescending person, I feel differently.

It's easy to play victim to emotions. People blame their environments for the way that they feel, rather than their illogical beliefs and fears. You have an unbelievable amount of control over the way that you feel. Emotions are difficult, but I'm learning that understanding and overcoming them is possible.
 
#13 ·
Jk
thoughtful.one said:
The appraisal theory explains that emotions actually are logical. When our experiences run through that filter of thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, and expectations, we have an emotional reaction.

This is why different people can have totally different reactions to the same experience - because they have different filters.

What I've been trying to do when I feel a negative emotion is find out why I feel that way, which of my beliefs it's threatening or which of my fears it's striking. How is the situation hitting my ego?

For example, if I'm angry with someone because I feel they are condescending about a certain topic. I ask myself if I put some of my self-worth in that knowledge, or if they are stirring up my fear of not being intelligent (something I deeply value). It takes honest reflection but when you discover the fundamental belief that is causing the issue, it provides a lot of peace. And then I can work on changing the filter so that the next time I am around this condescending person, I feel differently.

It's easy to play victim to emotions. People blame their environments for the way that they feel, rather than their illogical beliefs and fears. You have an unbelievable amount of control over the way that you feel. Emotions are difficult, but I'm learning that understanding and overcoming them is possible.
Click to expand...
Wise one! I have a question *raises hand*

When you are analyzing your filters, my problem is I cannot tell which specific filter is malfunctioning. I guess as a skeptical person, I apply that rationale to my self and it's hard to trust the evidence my mind offers for fear of bias. I think that is why it's so much easier for me to deal with other people's emotions than my own.

Example: I am semi-dreading the approach of a karate tournament (it's my second one)

Possible reasons: I hate spotlight/public appearances, there will be a lot of people there
I may not perform my best, my first tournament I got 2nd and lost to a guy everyone agrees I would beat if I weren't so nervous
I want to do other stuff that weekend, I like karate and I like competition but I don't like everyone staring at me
I don't see it going anywhere, this is totally unrelated to my work and it's only because my sensei asked me to
People will think I suck.... Nobody wants to be that dude who got ko'd
I don't like hurting people
I'm a pusssaayyyy

All those reasons seem plausible, but I have a hard time being objective or pinning down my emotions.. How are you sure that "x" filter is making you feel "b" emotion
 
#14 ·
Merrium Webster defined logic as, "a proper or reasonable way of thinking about or understanding something." Emotions are researched by psychology and neuroscience (under their own specialty, affective neuroscience). The emotional circuits include specific regions of the brain (the only organ that displays layers of evolution) found in the limbic system across most species of animals. In humans, the circuits extend into the neocortex where we can override the initial reaction. They are obviously important to survival.

Really at this point in my life, logic is the only way I know of to deal with emotions. The problem is that I need to think about them a long time in solitude to physically calm myself to just to identify them. Then, logic is the only way I know of to solve them. Some of them are dismissed, others grow into giant, somewhat menacing, pink elephants that follow me from room to room.

I joined this forum hoping to refine my approach to dealing with emotions.
 
Discussion starter · #15 ·
Bunnyntrevor said:
Wise one! I have a question *raises hand*

When you are analyzing your filters, my problem is I cannot tell which specific filter is malfunctioning. I guess as a skeptical person, I apply that rationale to my self and it's hard to trust the evidence my mind offers for fear of bias. I think that is why it's so much easier for me to deal with other people's emotions than my own.

Example: I am semi-dreading the approach of a karate tournament (it's my second one)

Possible reasons: I hate spotlight/public appearances, there will be a lot of people there
I may not perform my best, my first tournament I got 2nd and lost to a guy everyone agrees I would beat if I weren't so nervous
I want to do other stuff that weekend, I like karate and I like competition but I don't like everyone staring at me
I don't see it going anywhere, this is totally unrelated to my work and it's only because my sensei asked me to
People will think I suck.... Nobody wants to be that dude who got ko'd
I don't like hurting people
I'm a pusssaayyyy

All those reasons seem plausible, but I have a hard time being objective or pinning down my emotions.. How are you sure that "x" filter is making you feel "b" emotion
Click to expand...
I can never tell immediately which filter is causing the problem. But it's helpful for me to dig deeper into my negative thoughts and try to debunk them. I just keep on asking 'Why?' until it gets a little deep. Eventually something I discover strikes a chord within me and it's like an 'epiphany' moment.

Honestly ask yourself:
1. Why do you hate spotlight/public appearances? Are you scared of looking stupid in front of strangers? Why? Why do you care what strangers think? Why do their opinions matter? Why do they affect your life?

2. Why is it important to you that you preform your best? Do you believe that you are less of a man/athlete/successful person if you don't win? Why? Will your friends think less of you if you don't win? Why would you want people in your life who expect you to be perfect? Why do you expect yourself to win after only your second tournament?

After I exhaust all questions I can think of asking, I am normally left with a simple illogical belief I have that has been causing me issues. In your case, the best I can infer has to do with self-doubt. This is something that actually gave me a really hard time my freshman year of college with my artwork, so I completely understand what you are feeling. I was so scared that I would make something that people thought was stupid, that I barely made anything at all. And it wasn't very good because I wasn't making it from a genuine place. My illogical beliefs during this time were that 1. people wouldn't approve of me if I wasn't great 2. I wasn't good at art at all if I wasn't better than those around me.

So, after I discover my illogical beliefs, I normally read as much about the issue as possible. I look for ways that I can change my beliefs so that I don't have to feel that way again. It takes some time to change beliefs, but I believe it leads to more happiness in the long run. I can't promise that this process will help you too. But I would be great if it did!

Here's an article that may or may not help you: How to Overcome Self-Doubt: 8 Tips to Boost Your Confidence -- tinybuddha.com
 
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thoughtful.one
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