ISTJs and death

killerB · May 24, 2012

My son,(15) is an ISTJ and recently lost two classmates in a drunk driving accident. Of course, he is very rational about the whole thing, stating to me that is was stupid to not call their parents, to get into a car with a drunk driver etc. However, the concern I have is that he is obviously having difficulty dealing with this situation. He has become even more moody than usual, he hugs me like he is afraid I won't be there tomarrow, he has said how traumatic it is to look over at the empty seats next to his and realize that they will never be there again. I have kept a very open dialog, encourage him to mourn, and am attending the funerals with him for support.

I was wondering if there is anything specific I can do to help a young sensor, in a house full of intuitives, deal with this. (We are all NTs and NFs). I was hoping for some concrete examples of things I can do, if I am not already doing them, that will help him get through this time with his emotions intact(yeah, I know, an INFJ thing to say....).

Thanks in advance.

kittychris07 · May 24, 2012

All I can say is, let him know you are there for them if he needs you and wants to talk and go to the funerals with your son. At least in my own experience (as an ISFJ--not sure if it matters what my MBTI type is though) I've often just had to work through my grief on my own, and there's not much that anyone can do to help. Time only makes things easier to deal with.

kuropuu · May 24, 2012

I dealt with a situation recently that made me remember that people come and go, it was someone I didn't know very well, but I had that same moment where I realized that I'll never get to even sit next to him again. I didn't realize how badly it would affect me, it's still traumatic no matter how well you know someone. Was your son very close to these kids?

Anyway, there isn't much you can do that you aren't already doing. There was a death in our family a couple years ago when I was that age, and even then I handled it almost entirely independently. It's just a matter of time, but I do know that even though I didn't want to talk about it, I really appreciated people just being there. Take him to a movie or something. Don't tell him why, of course, just go and have fun, it's a good distraction and he'll probably understand anyway.

LeelaWho · May 24, 2012

I also process grief by myself. I'm very good at bottling it up and telling myself that I'm OK (when I'm not) and don't like people intruding and/or constantly asking how I'm doing.

It really comes home though during special-events/holidays. I was doing "fine" but that first Christmas without my favorite grandma was very hard. I kept dreaming about her and wishing that I had done XYZ when she was still alive.

I would not be overly concerned about his constantly hugging you. I lost four cats in one year and I got so paranoid that if my remaining cat wasn't moving I'd poke it just to make sure it was still alive. It took me a few months, but this got better.

Tad Cooper · May 24, 2012

I had my dad pass away a while ago and I found I needed space, not to talk about it and to let myself work out what had happened. When I came to terms with it I found I could talk about it with my family and felt able to communicate my thoughts properly.
I'd say, don't rush him and let him know you're there. Don't treat him differently or act like there's something weird going on, just let him deal with it unless he wants to come to you.
I found the funeral made me realise what had happened and I did cry (I usually don't) but it made me feel better afterwards and I liked it when people said nice things about him.

killerB · May 25, 2012

Thank you all. I realize he wants to process some of this himself and we did go to one funeral today. I took him to lunch afterwards and we chatted a bit. I told him that I understand that he is a private guy, and that he is still processing what happened. I then told him that I would be here to listen when, and if, he needed an ear. He seemed to be good with that.

PinkHippo · May 25, 2012

@killerB,

Not much I can add here, like everyone said, just letting him know you're there when/if he wants to talk is most important. This is in the distant future but keep an eye on him around graduation time. Having lost a friend at 15, I thought everything had been processed until graduation rolled around. Realizing I we wouldn't be walking across the stage together hit me. Which lead to a few moody moments and alone time to process. Birthdays caused a similar reaction for a while. Best policy is open ear/door, which is what you're doing. Sorry your son has to deal with this.

ginganinja · May 25, 2012

As an ISTJ I never really dealt with death until my mom past away and I looked at it from a very rational point of view as well.

BUT.

For a very long time afterwards I was super paranoid of losing anyone else.

I would watch people I loved sleep and if it didn't look like they were breathing I would shake them awake (because that's not crazy at all).

So maybe your son is having some of the same anxieties that I had.

Also, I had a lot of dreams about her after her death.

So maybe ask your son once in a while if he's had any strange dreams lately?

His explanation of his dreams could possibly give you more insight on how he is feeling than any words he can find to express it.

CataclysmSolace · May 27, 2012

ginganinja said:
As an ISTJ I never really dealt with death until my mom past away and I looked at it from a very rational point of view as well.

BUT.

For a very long time afterwards I was super paranoid of losing anyone else.

I would watch people I loved sleep and if it didn't look like they were breathing I would shake them awake (because that's not crazy at all).

So maybe your son is having some of the same anxieties that I had.

Also, I had a lot of dreams about her after her death.

So maybe ask your son once in a while if he's had any strange dreams lately?

His explanation of his dreams could possibly give you more insight on how he is feeling than any words he can find to express it.

None of that that happened to you never happened to me…

ginganinja · May 27, 2012

Armageddon_Wasteland said:
None of that that happened to you never happened to me…

Good for you.

Holgrave · May 27, 2012

ginganinja said:
For a very long time afterwards I was super paranoid of losing anyone else.

Same here. I still have the fear that my cat's gonna die as soon as she turns 8. But, we'll see.

I would watch people I loved sleep and if it didn't look like they were breathing I would shake them awake (because that's not crazy at all).

I would poke them. So, no, I wouldn't say that's crazy.

CataclysmSolace · May 27, 2012

ginganinja said:
Good for you.

And you too...

ISTJs and death

killerB

kittychris07

kuropuu

LeelaWho

Tad Cooper

killerB

PinkHippo

ginganinja

CataclysmSolace

ginganinja

Holgrave

CataclysmSolace

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