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Btaim

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I'm a straight INFP (or ISFP) I've tested to both but think I lean more towards INFP who has zero experience with the opposite sex. I'm nearing 26 years old and have never had a girlfriend my whole life.

I'm not that shy.....anymore, and I enjoy going out and meeting people. I feel my external circumstances (mainly the social environments I've been in lately) have shaped me to become a more mature INFP to where I'm not that insecure and will approach women and make the first move. The problem is I don't know how to flirt. It's driving me nuts. Every single girl I meet turns into a platonic friendship, no matter how romantically interested I am in her.

Despite INFP's tendency to have "feminine" qualities, I don't really seem to have much of them. Yes, I'm more of an artistic type and not too into cars and sports, but I'm a physically fit man (not too scrawny) with a fairly deep, masculine sounding voice who will be a man and make decisions first and fast in order to "lead" the girl as I should. I just don't have that natural ability to flirt and make them laugh.

I recently met a female INFP who I'm pretty much in love with (I'm attracted to other types too, not just concentrating on my own personality type). She's amazing. She's sweet, sensitive, shy, dreamy, VERY laid back, etc. She's so warm and friendly, probably the nicest girl I've ever met. We have everything in common. We have nearly identical hobbies and identical thinking patterns. She's traditional, and not the person who would sleep with any guy. She's beautiful too, and has a distinct sense of style. I'd imagine the latter probably gets a lot of guys approaching her. She's my dream girl. Absolutely perfect, and she doesn't have the slightest feelings for me.

It's funny because I'm one of her only close friends. I finally let her know about how I feel about her (I know, wrong move) and she freaked out a bit. Wish I could do something to attract her romantically.

Anyways, what's the best way for an INFP to attract the opposite sex? We're not those natural 'flirting' types. This is now becoming a major problem that must change. It's bad enough to be affecting other things in my life such as my career, probably because I'm getting depressed from being single for so long.....ha, like single my ENTIRE life.
 
I was like you then I met an ENTJ that turned my life upside down. Anyway we started as friends and things just developed into a romantic relationship rather quickly. I hate to tell you this but when you find the right one you'll just know. I've felt it three times in my life and only the girl I'm currently with has felt the same way about me. I'm only 23 but I had't ever had a real Girlfriend until about three months ago. Try meeting an ENTJ woman they are as beautiful as they are intelligent and they make a great partner in crime.
 
Anyways, what's the best way for an INFP to attract the opposite sex? We're not those natural 'flirting' types. This is now becoming a major problem that must change. It's bad enough to be affecting other things in my life such as my career, probably because I'm getting depressed from being single for so long.....ha, like single my ENTIRE life.
It sounds like you get stuck in the 'friend zone' a lot. That's not an INFP thing - that's an *individual* thing. Although your type being INFP can pose certain... Difficulties, I suppose. INFP's are really good and amazing material to become close friends with, so to speak - so there's a difficulty.

I think you attribute stuff too much to your type. Like your type is to blame for it all. If anything, you have it all in your own hands.

First, be yourself, cause you need to be authentic to flirt effectively.
Second, flirting is about creating that tension in the air, that feeling that there's something going on.
Third, experiment and find out your own style of flirting. After all, flirting is something personal, individual, not a type thing.
 
I dont have much advice to offer but im afraid you will have to start treating her not as a friends.
She has gotten used to seeing you as one and it will be hard to change her mindxD
People set the standard for how a relationship will settle in. If you started off platonic likeliness is that she has learned to see you that way and so now it would be hard to convince her other wise. Words will not change her mind as it is the emotions that is involved. She has to start feeling attracted to you (or some sort of deep romantic emotion). So go less friend route and turn up the romance gear flowers, the sorts, letters maybe, poems, but stop with the friendship for now and dont be at her beck and callxD

Some may call it gaming but my friend you will have to start spending time with other women. Limit the time you spend with her and talk to her about your latest pursuits. And if that doesnt work well Idk. Best wishes.
 
Agree that's it's an individual thing and not your type. Most women like men who will "take the lead" so to speak. Being a nice, sweet listener will almost always land you in the friend zone cause that's what friends do.

Realistically, you'll probably have to change your physical appearance to appear more attractive to the opposite sex. Work out, get a hair cut, use moisturizer at night, etc.

You'll have to be more exciting and interesting. Do something that will surprise her, disappear for a few days and then come back and take her for a ride. Show up unannounced with roses. If she really doesn't like you in that way, move on and don't look back. Don't be one of those mopey pathetic guys with no self respect.
 
Oh for the love of rationality...you can't attract a woman because you think you can't and because you think you can't, you act like you can't. That shows through.

Furthermore, stop blaming it so much on your type. Your life is not entirely defined by the personality type you scored on a test, although it is a good framework.
 
Hmmmm I don't flirt as often as I used to (well not as much in person at least), but when I used to flirt, mostly because I was worried about rejection, I kept my intentions unknown ... I would make innuendos, but I kept it light and humorous ... then I would try to read her body language and reactions ... So I'm pretty sure I had no problem getting women to like me ... I did have a problem of explicitly letting them know I like them (I don't have that problem with women on the internet :D), so the women I have been with also made moves on me (to be fair, I have not been with a lot of women).

But I do have a few close female friends that have once admitting to be sexually attracted to me (and I'm just have average looks) ... My thing was being funny, being interested in her, seeing how she is special and letting her know, and being a little sexual ... and paying attention to her body language and actions to see if she is receptive or not ... Oh and try to really enjoy the flirting too

Edit: And remember that flirting is a two way street
 
Revealing how you feel was not a wrong move; the risks of being real with someone mean you might get turned down, rejected, or freak someone out. But if you never risk, it's never going to happen. If your definition of success if getting right every time, you will never achieve that, so I think you should redefine success as something that liberates you- "laying my cards on the table", "saying what I really think when it's really important".

You say you don't know how to flirt-- you describe it like it's a one man comedy show where you are supposed to make her desire you by making her laugh. I don't think it works like that. Flirting is showing interest. From what you described, you waited a LONG time to make romantic interest clear-- the opposite of flirting. Flirting would be the first time you met your classy friend, or the fifth time, just not the thirtieth time, you could have thrown a wink her way, a lingering glance, a direct compliment. All those things you told us would be prime material. So as you start hanging out and notice that she dresses really nice, "I really like your distinct sense of style, it's very attractive," or some other compliment, or asking her on a direct date. Really, honestly, the sooner you make romantic intentions known the better because then she will start thinking of you as a possibility, not the friend that suddenly revealed hidden feelings-- meet a girl the first or second time and ask her to dinner, she can accept and decide she doesn't want to pursue anything, and that's ok, so she isn't trapped, but that dinner will facilitate a more intimate way of thinking of eachother.
I'm not saying this will make her like you no matter what-- she could still reject you, but that's the way risking works, and that is how people flirt-- because flirting is risky. Every time someone expresses romantic interest in another person, it is possible they will turn you down, no matter how "smooth" you are, but people push through that for the chance the lady will reciprocate.
Instead you didn't show any of those feelings, and that is what freaked her out, not that you are "inherently friend material", because how was she to know you felt this way? I don't think it was a "bad move", but yes, your chances at rejection were pretty high if you hid your intentions for a long time and then suddenly pounced them on her. Chances are if you reveal feelings sooner you will be accepted or rejected much faster, possibly ruining chances at friendship... but it also means you won't be able to wonder, "Man why does she only like me as a friend?" (Answer: Cause you acted like a friend the whole time).

So in summary: I think you need to be just a tiny more honest and a tiny more daring, and that will end up in flirting.

half of initial attraction is the idea of receptiveness-- is he interested in me and will this go somewhere? So someone who plays it cold or someone who waits for the other person to come to them, be it as a mere acquaintance or a friend, is not showing receptivity, and it will go nowhere.

And before Icarus mentions me ;D this is not a gender or infp sterotype-- I think women are perfectly capable of doing this as well. As he made me admit some time ago, I asked my boyfriend on the first date.

it will be a good example for this cause actually.
I texted him, "so when are you going to ask me on a date?" and I'd only met him once. We could have had the date and decided, "this isn't going to work", but it did progressively work into a relationship.
Point being, it's better to pursue something lightly before I Love Yous are thrown out there. Those WILL freak someone out. You gotta ease (especially an infp lady I feel, for the most part) into romance and keep the I Love Yous at for at least till you've had a date or something. So-- show interest, make a move or take a risk, hope for the best, let things develop on their own, throwing love out there can be too heavy for a relationship that doesn't even exist yet.
 
Hello! I mean no offense, but here it goes. :)

Agree that's it's an individual thing and not your type. (I agree as well.)

Most women like men who will "take the lead" so to speak. Being a nice, sweet listener will almost always land you in the friend zone cause that's what friends do. (Common stereotype that won't be true in every care-some people don't even believe in the friend-zone, which is a silly societal construct in my view. Friendship is a beautiful thing, and your mate should be your best friend. I do understand many women think the way you proposed, which is fine-it doesn't mean that a friendly kind of man should stop being "less friendly"-why can't he have his cake and eat it too? It just means that these ladies will probably not be compatible with a more friendly type of man.)

Realistically, you'll probably have to change your physical appearance to appear more attractive to the opposite sex. Work out, get a hair cut, use moisturizer at night, etc. (True, these things are immensely nice to do, although we should do them (IMHO) for ourselves, more than just to attract anybody else, out of self-love and self-respect. Additionally, one may look striking and still it may not make any difference-many players-a lifestyle a personally loathe-are not "cute" or attractive at all, but just know "how to play"; I rather look awesome than be adept at "picking up" ladies, although some others try to do both.)

You'll have to be more exciting and interesting. (This doesn't work... because what is exciting to you may not be exciting to me, and pretending to like something or live a lifestyle that doesn't suit you so that you are "more attractive" is a fool's errand, at least in my opinion. I mean no offense-I find myself interesting in many ways, but not in the way many extroverts are (hiking!, living a super active lifestyle!, etc. It takes a particular kind of lady to like me and understand what makes me exciting-a lady expecting an extrovert-like "ride" from me will be sorely disappointed, although I admit, I am also not looking for that kind of person, and we wouldn't be a good match anyway.) Do something that will surprise her, disappear for a few days and then come back and take her for a ride. (I agree your life should be exciting to yourself-perhaps it is better to surprise her by taking into account what she likes and surprise her with gifts accordingly, all while staying true to your particular self, however quirky it may be.) Show up unannounced with roses. (This is sweet, of course, but must be done with wisdom, especially if she has no idea of his feelings.) If she really doesn't like you in that way, move on and don't look back. (Truer words have not been uttered.) Don't be one of those mopey pathetic guys with no self respect. (Cut some of them some slack! Maybe they are not experienced with relationships. Sometimes they don't intend to be "pathetic", but end up looking like that because they have no idea about what to do. I agree that since we all deserved to be loved, we need not live hoping that "she will change her mind", and just find somebody else that will really understand and love what we are all about.)
I am not singling you out, dear YourNameIsTooLon. There are other things mentioned above by others I disagree as well, although I agree with all of you that INFP is hardly the source of our problems. We all have our own difficulties, from type to type, and human being to human being. I just think your method implies we should just be like the other guys? But if we are not like them, why should we? I find we must all find our own way, what works for us, and that maybe the traditional way you propose, or something else altogether. I am clearly in the minority in this issue, and it is the reason I usually speak out loudly about these things, so that INFPs get a balanced perspective, other than just hearing that they must become one of the rest to "get ladies"-what you say is not "wrong" per se, and might work for many, but I know for sure it won't work for me.

I don't think they should just go out there and "get the ladies"-I propose they should be more confident and self-loving. That there's no shame in being themselves. That they should be more welcoming and accepting of the possibilities out there. That they don't blame themselves all the time, but learn that sometimes they won't necessarily be compatible with many ladies out there, and that that's perfectly fine. And that there are ladies out there that will totally fit the kind of men they are, rather than trying to change into the kind of man that "every woman desires."

Take care, and have a beautiful day/evening.
 
First, be yourself, cause you need to be authentic to flirt effectively.
Second, flirting is about creating that tension in the air, that feeling that there's something going on.
Third, experiment and find out your own style of flirting. After all, flirting is something personal, individual, not a type thing.

Yes, this, especially number one.
ESPECIALLY NUMBER ONE THAT ONE IS VERY MUCH NEEDED BY YOU SIR

and then for number two-- I've found disarming mixture of honesty, vulnerability, & playfulness mixed with appreciation for whatever it is I like about them to be a killer for me, as in, it works. How that translates for a guy, not sure.
 
Hello! I mean no offense, but here it goes. :)



I am not singling you out, dear YourNameIsTooLon. There are other things mentioned above by others I disagree as well, although I agree with all of you that INFP is hardly the source of our problems. We all have our own difficulties, from type to type, and human being to human being. I just think your method implies we should just be like the other guys? But if we are not like them, why should we? I find we must all find our own way, what works for us, and that maybe the traditional way you propose, or something else altogether. I am clearly in the minority in this issue, and it is the reason I usually speak out loudly about these things, so that INFPs get a balanced perspective, other than just hearing that they must become one of the rest to "get ladies"-what you say is not "wrong" per se, and might work for many, but I know for sure it won't work for me.

I don't think they should just go out there and "get the ladies"-I propose they should be more confident and self-loving. That there's no shame in being themselves. That they should be more welcoming and accepting of the possibilities out there. That they don't blame themselves all the time, but learn that sometimes they won't necessarily be compatible with many ladies out there, and that that's perfectly fine. And that there are ladies out there that will totally fit the kind of men they are, rather than trying to change into the kind of man that "every woman desires."

Take care, and have a beautiful day/evening.
I agree with you about "being yourself". Part of your natural charisma comes from just being yourself and saying what's on your mind or doing things just because you want to.

However, if the OP has never had a girlfriend in his life, not even a casual gf or two, then there's something he's not doing right. Maybe he's too open at the beginning, maybe he's suppressing his real personality so he seems boring, etc.
 
Hello! I mean no offense, but here it goes. :)



I am not singling you out, dear YourNameIsTooLon. There are other things mentioned above by others I disagree as well, although I agree with all of you that INFP is hardly the source of our problems. We all have our own difficulties, from type to type, and human being to human being. I just think your method implies we should just be like the other guys? But if we are not like them, why should we? I find we must all find our own way, what works for us, and that maybe the traditional way you propose, or something else altogether. I am clearly in the minority in this issue, and it is the reason I usually speak out loudly about these things, so that INFPs get a balanced perspective, other than just hearing that they must become one of the rest to "get ladies"-what you say is not "wrong" per se, and might work for many, but I know for sure it won't work for me.

I don't think they should just go out there and "get the ladies"-I propose they should be more confident and self-loving. That there's no shame in being themselves. That they should be more welcoming and accepting of the possibilities out there. That they don't blame themselves all the time, but learn that sometimes they won't necessarily be compatible with many ladies out there, and that that's perfectly fine. And that there are ladies out there that will totally fit the kind of men they are, rather than trying to change into the kind of man that "every woman desires."

Take care, and have a beautiful day/evening.
I agree with you, but I also feel that one should take the time to develop themselves. Relationship is a skill that must be learned and so is friendship. One has to know how to relate to people and there are endless possiblilities and ways to go about this.
That being said yes we accept who we are but if we are doing things that is getting the wrong results then why not seek a better method. Yes be who you are but put your best foot forward. At the end of the day if you are not compatible with someone you just aren't xD
 
To all friends in here-I don't think I really flirt intentionally, but by being friendly and open to everybody I meet (note-not bubbly in an extroverted way, as I do so rather quietly). I am never "on the prowl" for "love", but just put myself out there in the city, and ocassionally interact with strangers. I have been flirted with (I think I was, last week) but I was not interested, so I was just acted like a very nice gentleman, but didn't want to give the impression that I was interested (it all started with coffee shop glares... I think I glanced at her direction unintentionally, and she eventually took an indirect initiative.) Had this happened with a person I found interesting or "compatible", I would have probably acted differently. But I am comfortable in my own skin and with who I am, so I just come off as quirky but approachable (I hope!) I do not talk to ladies about my "exploits" or "life pursuits" to "impress" them. I think the kind of woman I prefer is impressed more with substance than with "achievements" or "exciting pursuits", so I don't care if somebody thinks I am boring, for I am perhaps "too exciting" in my own world. I have plenty of interests, very rare ones at that, but they are not the ones that many would be "excited" about (I am, so that's fine by me.) Even though I am this kind of "different" man, I remain so confident about it that even though I do not actively "flirt", I am able to easily interact with others when necessary, and hopefully develop a meaningful friendship or relationship.

What Ms. @adverseaffects said is important, though-In the past I was guilty of never letting the lady know that I was interested in her, and of "suggesting" my love by huge loving acts of sacrifice and cute, personalized gifts. That's very sweet, but it is not clear enough for many people. It may be clear in your head, but not on hers (no matter her type, BTW). It is not fair of us to expect that she understands that we love her/are interested in her, if we never are clear about our intentions. As soon as you realize you are interested, let her know, not because I am against developing friendships with our romantic interests, but because BOTH OF YOU SHOULD KNOW WHERE YOU ARE STANDING: it is FAIR for both of you, so you can move on if she's not interested, and for the sakes of the friendship (it doesn't have to end just because you two are no longer pursuing each other romantically.) If you are interested, don't hide your heart for too long, for why should live on a fantasy that may or not come true, and why should she NOT know about this?

It is important to develop self-love; it is something I write about almost every day. You see, there's nothing really inherently wrong with us, and we can all change/improve. We can all become beautiful human beings, and are indeed worthy to be loved. With this in mind, we should feel no worse than anybody on earth, regardless types or introversion levels.
 
Next woman you meet, keep up some sexy eye contact. If you don't know what that is, look her in the eyes and think of her naked, think of you having sex with her ect, it willl show in your eyes. Get to know her yeah, but tease her a little bit, and every now in then give her a compliment. I like your dress, I like your hair, you have an amazing figure ect. After a while kick iot up a notch. Lean in and whisper in her ear how she smells good, how she's driving you wild, how cute you think she is. ect. That should help you out, or at least get you started on the right track. Goodluck bro.
 
I agree with you about "being yourself". Part of your natural charisma comes from just being yourself and saying what's on your mind or doing things just because you want to.

However, if the OP has never had a girlfriend in his life, not even a casual gf or two, then there's something he's not doing right. Maybe he's too open at the beginning, maybe he's suppressing his real personality so he seems boring, etc.
I am not sure if I have ever had a girlfriend either, dear lady. I may have had one from 2004-2008, or sometime between those years (too complex a story). I was a different person confidence-wise back then. I am VERY confident now, but have not find a true girlfriend, although I have found true love, even if for a little while, last year. :) I am 37. I don't think I am doing anything particularly wrong now, although I clearly was pre-2008. I didn't change right away, it took some time. I am different now, and actually have lived through all those confidence and image changes you suggested-and it is still difficult to be in a relationship. Not because I am "bad at relationships", but that I find that it is hard to find true love out there, which is my goal. I.E. I am not looking to get into a relationship for its own sake, but to build a lifelong one. Having a girlfriend means nothing to me if I don't love her, and she doesn't loves me back. Even though I have changed this much (and actually becoming more true to self than I ever was), and am SO happy with who I am, I have not met the lady that will love me just as I am yet (and again, I am happy with who I am-it is not all my fault; I just think to find a special person is quite the task, and possibly harder than you can imagine.)

Are you in a relationship, or if not, do you get into relationships easily? That would explain why you think that by his age, he should already have "many" girlfriends. But I think that sometimes "not finding a gf" doesn't mean that we must be doing something wrong, even though many times, it does. What if the person isn't looking for a GF? I wasn't during most of my twenties. And during my late twenties/early thirties, I was a very beautiful person, but think I had lots of low self-esteem, and was not ready (IMHO) to be in a healthy relationship. I would HAVE been a nice husband, but didn't love myself enough. That was my main obstacle. It isn't now. But it doesn't mean it makes the process "easy", becasue now (at my age) I know what I am looking for in a partner, and have become aware of what would theoretically work or not work, and am not looking for a girlfriend for its own sake.

I mean well, and hope you understood the point I was trying to make. :) I also think the OP should change a few attitudes about his life, although I am not blaming him for feeling bad about his situation. He does need to take action, as you suggested. I think it all starts about being happy with who he is, even as a single man. I think he's on the right track, because he's not as shy anymore. My advice would be similar to what Ms. adveraffects recommended him-for him to be more proactive when he finds out he's interested, as well as finding value in who he is, and developing his own "invincible" persona, true to who he really is.
 
I agree with you, but I also feel that one should take the time to develop themselves. Relationship is a skill that must be learned and so is friendship. One has to know how to relate to people and there are endless possiblilities and ways to go about this.
That being said yes we accept who we are but if we are doing things that is getting the wrong results then why not seek a better method. Yes be who you are but put your best foot forward. At the end of the day if you are not compatible with someone you just aren't xD
I agree we must take time to develop ourselves. Being happy with ourselves is not about being stuck in a rut, and being "happy" about it. Being happy with ourselves is not mutually exclusive with personal growth. I am always trying to develop myself, but at the same time, I am happy with my current growth. I once was unhappy with myself (especially after the 2008 incident-long story), and worked hard to change that. Everything is better now, but instead of just saying "I am wrong" everybody else is right" it is sometimes worthy to note that you may be right, and many may be wrong about yourself. That said, I disagree with the notion of leading an unhealthy life and saying-"thats just who I am!"; that's not what I am trying to advocate at all.
 
Have you tried online dating? Since the initial presumption is clear, you're less likely to slip into the land of friendship-only. Probably easier to make the first move there anyway.

Next woman you meet, keep up some sexy eye contact. If you don't know what that is, look her in the eyes and think of her naked, think of you having sex with her ect, it willl show in your eyes. Get to know her yeah, but tease her a little bit, and every now in then give her a compliment. I like your dress, I like your hair, you have an amazing figure ect. After a while kick iot up a notch. Lean in and whisper in her ear how she smells good, how she's driving you wild, how cute you think she is. ect. That should help you out, or at least get you started on the right track. Goodluck bro.
Heh. Just reading that was saucy.
 
I agree we must take time to develop ourselves. Being happy with ourselves is not about being stuck in a rut, and being "happy" about it. Being happy with ourselves is not mutually exclusive with personal growth. I am always trying to develop myself, but at the same time, I am happy with my current growth. I once was unhappy with myself (especially after the 2008 incident-long story), and worked hard to change that. Everything is better now, but instead of just saying "I am wrong" everybody else is right" it is sometimes worthy to note that you may be right, and many may be wrong about yourself. That said, I disagree with the notion of leading an unhealthy life and saying-"thats just who I am!"; that's not what I am trying to advocate at all.
Yah I got yah. Whatever was the 2008 incident about? I am suddenly stuck on that.
 
Next woman you meet, keep up some sexy eye contact. If you don't know what that is, look her in the eyes and think of her naked, think of you having sex with her ect, it willl show in your eyes. Get to know her yeah, but tease her a little bit, and every now in then give her a compliment. I like your dress, I like your hair, you have an amazing figure ect. After a while kick iot up a notch. Lean in and whisper in her ear how she smells good, how she's driving you wild, how cute you think she is. ect. That should help you out, or at least get you started on the right track. Goodluck bro.
wtf kinda fucked up advice is this....sure if you want to get laid and build it upon a bunch of lies then go for it.....
not to get completely aggressive but this type of fake that some guys have just really fucking pisses me off.......
sure I can write an erotic poem or compose a song just to bed a woman...but isn't it just plain wrong if both parties are not in the same frame of mind? ......

Anyway moving on....

CONFIDENCE!!!!! is key...
how do you get this?
by being comfortable with yourself....

how can you be comfortable with yourself?
learn everything you can about yourself....what makes you interesting?
develop things that you like about yourself and keep building that confidence.....

work a while on developing yourself....be happy being you essentially....

stop trying to conform to what society tells guys to do to attract women.

be yourself do things that you like, make yourself interesting.....being interesting is ultimately what scores a lot of points...sure you can lie or focus on more of the physical aspects...but seriously is that what you want?

Don't be afraid to be assertive....its not all about flirting and making them laugh...but don't give up for the slightest thing...

but at the same time if shes your type of girl she would respond well....
either way no matter how much advice you get everything depends on you....
also don't let yourself be defined by your type.....

hope this helps ...goodluck!!!
 
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