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How do I flirt with an INFJ male? (there's a Catch)

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NightGallery

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Discussion starter · #1 ·
Ok, there is this guy at work, I figured out he is an INFJ. I suspect he may be interested in me, and maybe has been for awhile. Sometimes it seems obvious other times it doesn't, so I'm not sure. I do know that I think about him way more then I should so, I realized I must have feelings for him.

Problem: How do I flirt with him subtlety so it's work appropriate, but most importantly, I don't make myself look like an idiot in case he isn't interested?

We have a lot in common, and we seem to have no problem talking about topics we share interest in. It's hard to move him on a conversation that's on a personal level. It's like he's afraid to share much about himself. I don't think he is very good at opening up that way to anyone.

Any INFJ males herr have advice?
 
#2 ·
How do you know he's an INFJ?

INFJs don't bare their soul or thoughts quickly, give him time. Make him feel comfortable and don't, for the love of God, pry or pester him. If he reveals something, it means he trusts you with that information. Don't abuse the moment by pushing him too far, but be encouraging and show that you're interested in what he says, if anything, no matter how small. If you really want to get in with an INFJ, you've got to be really, really patient.
 
#3 ·
Don't flirt? When people flirt with me, I feel weird unless I'm dating them.

Two words for you: Be kind.

Also, as an INFJ, here's my suggestion- find out what he likes to do. Find a common interest, and then invite him to participate in that interest. For example, I love going to lectures on feminism, animal cruelty, and human trafficking. If someone invited me to attend, I wouldn't think of it as a date, therefore a few things happen all at once: 1. I would be very comfortable, 2. Since she invited me, it means that's she is into the same big things that I am, which offers me a reason to admire and respect her, and 3. It also means thats she's been paying attention to what matters to me, another reason for me to want to know her more.

This isn't limited to social justice, but can envelope tons if things! For me, I love the orchestra, backpacking, photo-shoots', singing, going to festivals and events in the city, and more. As an ENFJ, you're likely to have many similarities in interest, which is great :)

So hers my ultimate suggestion: Figure out what he really enjoys, and take him there if you also enjoy it. I think that may go over well. But I might avoid going to a movie or something brainless like that because it stifles the chance to have any really deep conversation.

Let us know how your situation progresses!!
 
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#4 ·
NightGallery said:
Ok, there is this guy at work, I figured out he is an INFJ. I suspect he may be interested in me, and maybe has been for awhile. Sometimes it seems obvious other times it doesn't, so I'm not sure. I do know that I think about him way more then I should so, I realized I must have feelings for him.

Problem: How do I flirt with him subtlety so it's work appropriate, but most importantly, I don't make myself look like an idiot in case he isn't interested?

We have a lot in common, and we seem to have no problem talking about topics we share interest in. It's hard to move him on a conversation that's on a personal level. It's like he's afraid to share much about himself. I don't think he is very good at opening up that way to anyone.

Any INFJ males herr have advice?
Click to expand...
lavendersnow said:
How do you know he's an INFJ?

INFJs don't bare their soul or thoughts quickly, give him time. Make him feel comfortable and don't, for the love of God, pry or pester him. If he reveals something, it means he trusts you with that information. Don't abuse the moment by pushing him too far, but be encouraging and show that you're interested in what he says, if anything, no matter how small. If you really want to get in with an INFJ, you've got to be really, really patient.
Click to expand...
Oh, and this too definitely. If he is uncomfortable talking about certain things, don't push. Respect his privacy, and maybe even let him know gently that you do. If you open up yourself, and he finds you to be authentic and there's a connection that he feels with you (this is non-romantic with everyone I meet), then he will probably express his feelings more readily.

Also, I would confirm his type by playfully asking him to take the MBTI test on human metrics . Com. :)
 
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#5 ·
NightGallery said:
Any INFJ males here have advice?
Click to expand...
Yes, you're an extrovert - go up and say hi to him. Just talk to him about something you can both relate to, like work. Then dig a little deeper - slowly. If you don't show him you're interested, he may never stop second guessing himself (because he actually already knows, he just won't act on it unless you give him a sign).
 
#9 ·
I have different thoughts on this. (Yes, I am a male INFJ and have always come out strongly as one.)

I am 95% introverted, but I really enjoy small-scale (1-5) socializing when I am in the mood for it. And I probably open up my thoughts/feelings way too early before others do. My Fe is strong, and I want people to feel at ease and open up themselves (so that I can study them better!). We share the same functions with ENFJ; we are not that different.

What I do not easily open up is the thoughts that my Ti has given forms to my Ni input. The reason that I keep a lid on them is because they are the essence or the foundation as to who I truly am, and I already know that not many people would appreciate them, and if they didn't, I would find myself quite vulnerable. But if I sensed that you would appreciate them, I'd share them and you wouldn't be able to stop me talking for a few hours. It's kind of like taking your clothes off... You evaluate the other first before taking your clothes off so that you don't make a fool of yourself!

In short, it's not that we don't open up easily; it's that we have a part of us, which is probably bigger than others', that we don't open up easily. There is a difference. INFJs that have problem opening up at all may not have this partition built yet in their life, perhaps? So in that case, what do you do? To connect with an INFJ who has not had a chance to build much yet upon their introverted foundation, what kittenklyn suggested will indeed work. You have no other choice than to reach in his depth to get more out of him.

Thought I have become somewhat good at it, small talks still don't always come easily with me. It's because my introverted functions are just busy. In other words, if someone find her way into what I am busy with, I would notice her presence along with her genuine interest, which would make me feel at ease being who I am. As a result, I would suddenly gain the ability to even do small talks with you (meaning, I am opening up). I get excited when I find someone in my introverted world. It's like finding someone in the middle of a desert...

But again, I am here talking about the part that is deep inside us. That is where our true passive attitude is, but there is no typological reason that we should be passive all the time. So no excuse for INFJ to make the others do all the work trying to connect with us! I trust you've already been too kind - No need to over-do your kindness really. We may be clumsy but are not disabled.

What you would rather want to keep in mind is that, your interest in whatever he is busying introverting must be genuine, if not in the beginning, at least in the end, for the relationship to develop and mature. If you don't see that you would ever find real interest in it for yourself, I advise not to push yourself in that route. It would waste both of your time. No need to pretend; honesty to yourself works out for both of you.

Regardless of type, as long as you're not a program-driven robot, we all go through a stage of flirting somewhere during the transition from "friendship" to "more than friendship." The manifestation and the duration may differ, but none of us can't skip flirting. Enjoy it while we are at it.

I actually posted these questions in another thread where you were asking for advice for the same issue. I'll just copy them here:

#1. Other than a few hints that he is good at throwing at you, what makes you believe that he "really likes me"?
#2. "The more I talk to him, the more I like him" - What is it that draws you more and more toward him, which you are picking up from talking to him, despite that he doesn't share much?
#3. How old is he?
#4. Does he seem to be aware that you're not fascinated but rather frustrated about his not opening up?

No need to answer if you don't want to. I'm just curious.
 
#13 ·
Wow, what's with the spamming? @Marvin the Dendroid @kittenklyn

------------------------------------------------

Op, I wouldn't probe into his feelings that's just going to push him away. You have to earn his trust before you'll ever get his emotional side.

My advice is to ask him if he wants to grab lunch or a coffee sometime. If you both enjoy talking to each other then there shouldn't be an issue. See where things go and work from there.
 
#14 ·
Offer personal details before trying to get his ... as an ENFJ you may possibly be putting a disproportionate amount of pressure on him to answer you, so show some of your vulnerability too.
I'm not the male version, but, I will usually feel more comfortable matching someone's exposure level.

Some of the replies here make it sound impossible, years and all, LOL. I don't think it has to be that hard, or take that long. I would never have that much patience, myself :p

Look out for a few snares tho at the start ... like how you behave around other men where he can observe you. Anything accidental that seems to indicate interest in someone else would check his progress.

And by all means, do not, absolutely do not, give up unless you have had it out with real words and he tells you he isn't interested (or you completely loose interest). We're too good at hiding.

Talking MBTI stuff seems like a good way to deepen conversation and get more personal, like I don't think most INFJ's would mind that conversation at all.

If possible, texting might help him open up, and take it out of the office area.
 
Discussion starter · #15 ·
@Collati#1. Other than a few hints that he is good at throwing at you, what makes you believe that he "really likes me"?
I don't know if he is still interested. It's mostly just my Intuition. The feeling I get from him, I get a sense that he has greater interest. Also, I gathered that he must of let a few coworkers in on that he is interested because of their behavior. One of them was trying to get me to admit it, But I don't want to involve them, I want him to tell me.
#2. "The more I talk to him, the more I like him" - What is it that draws you more and more toward him, which you are picking up from talking to him, despite that he doesn't share much? Due to some unfortunate events in my life, I have an ability to read people very well. This was a survival technique that I learned to survive a time of civil unrest. It's a curse and a blessing. Also, I can read INFJ's the best, at times it's like looking in a mirror. Day by day I observe him, his behavior, how he interacts with others, and so on. I concluded that he is a wonderful person who has the same appreciation for nature and the planet as I do. I feel he walked through life feeling like an outsider looking in, I felt similar to this and feel I connect with him on this. I also find it sweet from all the times he tried so hard to win me over, they were subtle and also direct. I just couldn't respond to that because of my circumstances and because, although I can read him so well, I am human and have a lot of fears of what this could lead to. Now, I want so badly to tell him everything but just can't. I'm afraid now that it's too late. I can't help but wonder if we were meant to meet, so many coincidences in our life. Where we grew up, our interests, places we lived. It's like we were always crossing each other to end up here, I guess I want to know if this is true. If he has lost interest or found someone else, I guess I'll never know. Which will force me to move on. Which may not be easy since we work together.
#3. How old is he?
I think he is 5 years younger then I am. Early 30's
#4. Does he seem to be aware that you're not fascinated but rather frustrated about his not opening up? I don't think he is aware, I've tried communicating with him outside of work, in a way that was super kind and considerate of him. He didn't really express much to me about what I was saying to him, it was like he didn't care. Which hurt, then when I saw him in person he seemed to be very responsive to me for a few days then all of the sudden it was like he hated me. Now he's back to being nice, but doesn't seem to be showing the same signs as he was. I kind of wonder if he picked up on my ability to read people so well. This would be unfortunate because he would assume that because I'm not responding directly I must not be interested. It's more like like, when it comes to romance and relationships I turn introverted. I don't know what to do, I'm not a strong extrovert when it's something on a personal level.
 
Discussion starter · #16 ·
Rebecca.M said:
Offer personal details before trying to get his ... as an ENFJ you may possibly be putting a disproportionate amount of pressure on him to answer you, so show some of your vulnerability too.
I'm not the male version, but, I will usually feel more comfortable matching someone's exposure level.

Some of the replies here make it sound impossible, years and all, LOL. I don't think it has to be that hard, or take that long. I would never have that much patience, myself :p

Look out for a few snares tho at the start ... like how you behave around other men where he can observe you. Anything accidental that seems to indicate interest in someone else would check his progress.

And by all means, do not, absolutely do not, give up unless you have had it out with real words and he tells you he isn't interested (or you completely loose interest). We're too good at hiding.

Talking MBTI stuff seems like a good way to deepen conversation and get more personal, like I don't think most INFJ's would mind that conversation at all.

If possible, texting might help him open up, and take it out of the office area.
Click to expand...
I've tried texting him, even at risk of exposing my own vulnerability. He never responded much to it, just a general "I'm sorry to hear that" kind of response. I had hoped that my emotional text would of lead him to give me something to go on. Honestly, when he responded that way I was offended and gave up. Then I continued to see his struggle and realized he still liked me. I decided to keep trying, but for my own sanity, I'm struggling with what to do about him.
 
#18 ·
NightGallery said:
@CollatiI also find it sweet from all the times he tried so hard to win me over, they were subtle and also direct. I just couldn't respond to that because of my circumstances and because, although I can read him so well, I am human and have a lot of fears of what this could lead to. Now, I want so badly to tell him everything but just can't. I'm afraid now that it's too late. I can't help but wonder if we were meant to meet, so many coincidences in our life. Where we grew up, our interests, places we lived. It's like we were always crossing each other to end up here, I guess I want to know if this is true. If he has lost interest or found someone else, I guess I'll never know. Which will force me to move on. Which may not be easy since we work together.
Click to expand...
There is absolutely no such a thing as mere coincidences; things happen either so that something good may come out of it or something worse may NOT come of it. There is a reason your paths crossed. But, we are far better of if we can resist try not to want to know the future, i.e., what is to happen in what way. Future is an "effect" whereas present is its "cause". In order for an "effect" to be what is meant to be, the last place we want to focus our attention on is this very "effect" = future... We want to instead focus on the "cause" which is always this very present moment, which of course is a bit tricky for us INFJ, but for someone like you, an ENFJ, it may be easier to pull off. (That is why I think, dominant SEs like ESTP is good at getting things done with such grace - their SE preconditions them to be in the "cause".)

He didn't really express much to me about what I was saying to him, it was like he didn't care. Which hurt, then when I saw him in person he seemed to be very responsive to me for a few days then all of the sudden it was like he hated me. Now he's back to being nice, but doesn't seem to be showing the same signs as he was. I kind of wonder if he picked up on my ability to read people so well. This would be unfortunate because he would assume that because I'm not responding directly I must not be interested. It's more like like, when it comes to romance and relationships I turn introverted. I don't know what to do, I'm not a strong extrovert when it's something on a personal level.
Click to expand...
So again, I would explore the very fear that you have. Fear is a symptom of our locking our focus on the "effect." As long as you have it, the outcome would be less than stellar for both of you. The best way to bring our focus on the "cause" is to get busy and be occupied with what we do (work, hobby, etc.) as an individual, apart from all the others. If you don't have a whole a lot going on in your life, get involved with something new, preferably with some degree of some social commitment (e.g. taking a course at local college, applying for volunteer work, etc.). The goal is that you shift your focus from the future to the present as much as you can. Just fill it up to the brim! It sounds counter-intuitive but when you stop worry, that very act WILL trigger a chain reaction to an effect that is meant to be.

So to extend this logic, you might actually want to ignore all the advice here (except mine here! :p) because any advice is about how to effect the "effect" as you want it. When you don't know what to do, that may be the solution you need - you probably don't need to do anything! Instead, can you find activities that would please you and make you happy in this very present? I am not sure if this is INFJ thing, but I am far more drawn to a woman who is not all conscious about romance and relationships but primarily busy with her own things. The fact that you turn introverted when it comes to relationships is your advantage; forget that and shift your focus on where you can naturally extrovert and be strong. :)
 
#20 ·
NightGallery said:
Honestly, I have a feeling almost everyone knows his feelings towards me except me. This has me wondering, did he realize that was a mistake and is backing off. Regardless, I still don't officially know anything.
Click to expand...
You say you're hiding your feelings for him, from him, as well, and are waiting for him to make the first move. It's very unlikely that this tactic will work.
If nobody can get anything out of you, then why should he take that risk? You're coworkers. Rejection could have rather unpleasant consequences on top of the heartaches. Of course he's backing off.
 
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