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Other INFJ's with "fear of commitment"?

[INFJ]
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10K views 21 replies 18 participants last post by  Stopping By Woods  
M
#1 · (Edited)
Hello! Really tried to keep this short without drifting away too much but my apologies if I did


So although I relate to almost everything I've read and heard about the INFJ type,
there is one thing that often makes me feel uneasy: the part about romantic relationships.

From what I've read, I've gotten the impression that the INFJ type is often being described as a type that's desperately looking for someone to share a committed and serious romantic relationship with, and is not the type to fool around.

-

For me, the thought of a traditional relationship just makes me feel really anxious and is not something that feels tempting at all, and I'm having a hard time understanding how others can desperately want to get into this type of relationship. I do want to have someone close, but at the same time I have a really big need for privacy, space, and to feel free. I like being able to do exactly what I want, and to lose that freedome is a really big fear of mine. I love and prefer flirts; but when I feel that things are becoming too serious, I easily become uncomfortable, scared, and flee.

I know that I probably just haven't met the right person, but in that case I'm afraid that when I do, what if I still have this fear of entering something serious?

Might it also be the INFJ's idealistic side that's lurking? The "what if I'll never be happy with what I got because I'm always thinking there might be an even better match that I'll risk missing out on"? Combined with my fear of feeling caged?

I am young (21), so like sure there's no rush, I'm enjoying my youth and when/if I run into someone that feels really right (hopefully when I'm 30+..) then sure, that might be really nice. But I don't feel like I would actively search.



I guess the point I'm trying to get tooo is that I'm having a hard time understanding people under the age of like...well at least under 26, that deesperately wants to get into a serious relationship (not having a specific person in mind that is) just the lust for being in a serious relationship. ((And understand that I'm not saying never! I'm talking about young people.))


Still, in a way I WOULD like a serious relationship, but at the same time the thought of it terrifies me.
I'm really curious about hearing your thoughts on this, and I really hope I didn't make it all too confusing, because I'm having a really hard time not confusing myself.

So is this just a part of "everyone's different" or are there any other INFJ's out there that relate to this? At all?
 
N
#2 · (Edited)
When I used to be younger I used to call it fear of commitment partly because it seems in student life it sounds cool but mainly because I wanted to hold myself off a bit. I guess it was my lack of self-knowledge that I couldn't really communicate the need of retreating sometimes, and fear of me going in like this raging fire that would become a hush again after some time.

Basically it was an easy to use phrase to get what I needed without confusing the whole situation since it seemed to be a norm in society to be afraid of commitment. Later I figured it is pretty much bullocks, and that the only fear is to suddenly lose my luster for spending time with the person in the relationship. I never understood how I could suddenly give up on some amazing relationships, and most likely it was unknown to me due to neglecting myself and suppressing anger and other thoughts/emotions.

Furthermore I for an INFJ am definitely not desperately looking for someone to share a committed and serious relationship with and never really had that urge, except for some rare lonely wine drinking nights while watching K-dramas and hugging my dog. When I'm troubled on the mind or need to go to war with society, I pretty much feel relationships are too tiresome to bother with. While I'm in the zone I might ponder a bit about it, and only really feel the desperate need for it when I'm already under the influence of her spell.

Edit: In earnest you can't be caged in a relationship, it is basically a door of a cage you decide to close but never is locked. But by not communicating your needs and wants it might simply become a high pressured cage where one of you little birds will just burst out instead of simply deciding to sometimes open the door and fly outside for a few minutes.
 
#4 ·
Recently I started thinking, if I fear committing to a certain person, that means they aren't right for me. Not in these circumstances, not with that individual. Because if they were the right person, in the right moment, I wouldn't fear a committed relationship. Like you said, I bounced between considering "But what if I never meet someone?" and "I don't want to be stuck with that person forever if I give them a chance." But that's because I think I haven't met the right person, you might think differently, but that's how I see it.

I don't want a perfect partner, they don't exist. But I want someone who enriches my life, not someone I feel trapped with or someone I feel I've settled for. Which is why I have yet to settle for a serious relationship. I've never even met a person who meets that criteria yet and it's kind of sad. But I know being happy on my own is the first step to having a great relationship. I'm not looking for someone to complete me, I already am complete. I just don't want to commit to a waste of time and energy so I'm willing to wait.
 
N
#6 ·
Haba Aba Daba Aba said:
'better' how?
Click to expand...
I can answer that :laughing:

For example she is in a relationship with you and then finds me, and I'm of course the best in everything, like I don't want to sound arrogant but I'm pretty much Mr. Perfect.


Okay I guess that refilled my ego meter so I guess it is time for a nice stout and a book.
 
#9 ·
Did I have a serious craving for a deep, emotionally intimate relationship with someone until I finally got one? You bet.

Do I have a fear of commitment? Yes, I do. But it's possible that this can just be chalked up to being young, and also being unsure about what life is going to hold for you.

I get afraid of commitments because I worry that pledging my allegiance to one particular thing (or person) will mean that I will ultimately miss out on what I really want in life. INFJs typically have an idea concerning what goal we have, but it's impossible to know exactly how we're going to obtain said goal. What if one commitment forces us through a door which only ends up hindering us on our way to our "dream"?

What if that degree actually doesn't get you into the career you want? What if that job is just a dead-end waste of time? What if this friendship goes sour? What if your partner decides that their vision conflicts with yours? These are scary possibilities, and they're impossible to dodge completely.

But making a "wrong" decision is just a part of life. One can only do the best at learning what they can about a certain option, keep on pushing forward, and hope for the best. This applies to relationships too, I believe.

Can I say that I am completely, 100% not nervous about the prospect of being a married woman by the end of the year? Of course not! I don't think that my boyfriend can either, for that matter. Settling down is one of the biggest commitments you can make, and I would say that not being at least a bit worried only indicates that one isn't taking the issue as seriously as they should.
 
C
#10 ·
Ni really looks ahead. Wedding vows and eulogies are in mind before names are exchanged.

This can create decisiveness in regards to taking steps towards a future, but the future itself remains a sacred vision. Savvy INFJs may realize early on or perhaps before a romantic attachment that this vision may very well not come into realistic fruition. This uncertainty is alien to the INFJ, who has spent a good quantity of his/her life generally seeing the ebb and flow of things and knowing what to expect. Learning to hold the hand of a partner and move forward without that crystal ball is a huge growing experience. It's best to develop that Se and take every day for what it's worth rather than worry about how things will be when the kids are running around. Some balance is necessary, at the very least.

On a side note, I think this is more of a pressing issue for heterosexual INFJ females due to possible pressure from gender roles to slightly conform to their partner's preference for the future, especially if he is the breadwinner or particularly domineering.
 
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#13 ·
Eh, I don't like it when type descriptions over glorify or romanticize personalities. When I was a teen, my fear of commitment was based on the fear that I couldn't sustain my half of the relationship and meet the needs of my partner. I didn't understand my own needs and I also didn't know what to do within a relationship anyways since all the girl magazines and the relationships going on around me didn't seem healthy at all. This included my own parents' relationship. There was just too much psychological and emotional gaming going on. I'm glad I've waited. The desire is still there, but the desperateness has been tempered with what I'm hoping are more realistic expectations of myself and my potential partner. I wouldn't say I fear commitment itself. But, I do fear the type of person I might be committing myself too.
 
U
#14 ·
Yeah. I love romance, but I'm actually pretty light-hearted about it, and I think a degree of distance between people that are romantically involved is healthy. I don't think you can have too much passion without either idealizing the other person (and thus denying their actual identity in favour of the ideal), or losing yourself or your own identity, and neither of those seem healthy to me.

So I want to be entertained, I want to be able to pursue my own individual interests, and I don't want to feel chained down, and if I have that kind of freedom and I still continue to choose the other person? Well that's romance to me, it's two individuals deciding to stay together because they want to. Anything that forces the issue or makes unfair requests ("if you really loved me, you'd do x") is going to turn me off. Commitment or promises made in perpetuity are attitudes, not a duties.
 
#15 ·
Miri said:
Hello!

So although I relate to almost everything I've read and heard about the INFJ type,
there is one thing that often makes me feel uneasy: the part about romantic relationships.

From what I've read, I've gotten the impression that the INFJ type is often being described as a type that's desperately looking for someone to share a committed and serious relationship with, and is not the type to fool around.



For me, the thought of a traditional relationship just makes me feel really anxious and is not something that feels tempting at all, and I'm having a hard time understanding how others can desperately want to get into this type of relationship.

I do want to have someone close, but at the same time I have a really big need for privacy, space, and to feel free. I like being able to do exactly what I want, and to lose that freedome is a really big fear of mine.


I love and prefer flirts; but when I feel that things are becoming too serious, I easily become uncomfortable, scared, and flee.

Maybe I just haven't met the right person, but in that case I'm afraid that when I do, what if I still have this fear of entering something serious?

Might it also be the INFJ's idealistic side that's lurking? The "What if I'll never be happy with what I got because I'm always thinking there might be an even better match that I'll risk missing out on"? Combined with my fear of feeling caged?



Is this just a part of "everyone's different" or are there any other INFJ's out there that relate to this? At all?
Click to expand...
There are certain chemicals that get released in the beginning part of the relationship. I'm not saying that this is what you're experiencing, but there are some people that get hooked on that, "new honeymoon phase." While it is a thrill, there are advantages to a long term committed relationship. My mind gets changed more than a color on a mood ring. I'll only really commit if I plan on going down with the ship. I'm sure once you find the right person for you, you'll be willing to commit. I know that caged feeling. Just let future partners know you require freedom and alone time.
 
R
#16 ·
I do fear commitment but at the same time I would take risk. But not anymore though.

I'm not sure but the part where there might be someone better is true. I have gone and dated 3 girls who were good enough for me but in the end, I think I was not good enough for them (I'm guessing because I gave too much that they felt they are in debt of something.) Before it gets serious, try to get to know the person first than actually commit to them because it will be too late by then and will hurt you more, but still I would say, depends even after. I can't say 100% anymore due to what I see on most relationships.
 
#17 · (Edited)
I don't have this fear of commitment. Being alone makes me feel uninspired and empty. Having someone is what makes me feel inspired. Privacy exists when married as well. Then again, I never though of privacy and commitment as being opposite, but was rather interested in creating a privacy within the couple.

I though the deal with INFJs was that they want to feel understood. Yeah, well, being alone won't help with that. Having someone close that really understands is the way to go. Privacy to the extreme translates into a lonely time, living away tucked in a bubble, scared of someone knowing how you feel or what you think.

I'd gladly trade this sanitized and inert privacy for someone that cares. I can take a chance, sharing a connection with someone even if this might cause some feelings of vulnerability. You can't seek to be understood if you don't open some doors, is what I'm saying.
 
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#18 ·
Yes, I definitely was a commitment phobe.

Always felt not perfect enough, not good enough; I needed to work on myself first. Only then would I be 'enough' for someone else.

...

Until I met her. There was no doubt, no hesitation. Just a silent knowing.. This is it. She is "it".
I could've never dreamed so boldly, yet reality showed me what's true.
 
#19 ·
Yes, fear of commitment, but also a desire to be close to one person....
I find I run away as soon as things get serious, but I would like to be serious, bit of a conundrum!
With relationships, I dont really have any advice, but then Im 23 and havent had a serious relationship yet, so maybe in the future?
 
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