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Why are INFJ's so cold when it comes to talking about themselves and their feelings?

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NightGallery

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Discussion starter · #1 · (Edited)
Look you INFJ's are very easy to read, you deny it but it's true. You are introverted feelers so all of your emotions are shown in your face and body language. You're like contradictive because you react in a cold manner. I can see someone with a lot of feelings but who bottles them up and puts a wall up. Why is it so hard to let a little of yourself out? Not just only with feelings but also everything about yourself. Why do you have this indestructible armor around your deep feelings? I'm just trying hard to understand it. What are you afraid of?

I'm trying to properly handle an INFJ, who I don't want to freak out. He's so guarded that he won't even admit he's an INFJ because that's too much info about himself, and the fact that I even guessed it seemed to have freaked him out. Yes, there may be some romantic feelings involved, so what is with this heavy armor. I know he is aware of the fact I can read people so well, I'm an ENFJ. Does that freak you guys out? It seems to have freaked him out, maybe he feels exposed, I can't help that I can read him so well.
 
#2 ·
I guess because of aux Fe... it makes you really unsure about how you should express yourself... really unsure about the kind of person you should be. Fe makes really aware of social communication and how everything you do and say means something specific to the people around you (you over-interpret every form of communication, both other peoples' and your own).

Obviously Fe doms also do this, but I guess your extraversion means that it's not an unsure thing for you. You're just doing Fe all the time, its no problem. Maybe being an introvert makes us not be able to handle constant Fe (in terms of our expression), but we do have constant Fe in terms of our awareness of it. So we often find ourselves tired out and not able to express ourselves very well, but also cruelly aware of the problems associated with not expressing ourselves fully.

We care a lot about our identities (because we're so sensitive to social communication -- what everything means), but we don't feel fully in control of our own expression/identities, because introversion. So it makes us really guarded about how we express ourselves and our feelings... we don't want to send the wrong message. We're often over-thinking what we're supposed to be communicating to the point where we can't communicate very much at all.
 
#4 ·
I think that if he were into you, he would like it. If he's not into you, I assume he wouldn't like it. I know there have been many times in the past when I wished I could just spring something on somebody like that (romantically) without having to go through the process of asking them out etc. Its very romantic. I know for me personally when i'm in at least semi-romantic situation and somebody starts kissing me I usually just with it, assuming I don't totally hate the person.

Also for the record some INFJs are completely the opposite of what you describe- i.e. big over-sharers. Although they usually have a guarded side (not showing vulnerability), they also may love to talk to everybody about everything that happens to them. You'll know something injured their pride, though, when they suddenly don't tell you something... because you know they would have told you everything in any other circumstance.

Some types (i'm thinking of INFP and ISFJ), I think, have a tendency to share things that they're ashamed of with others, I guess in the hopes that somebody will say "oh, that's not that bad!" and make them feel better.
I'm pretty sure INFJs, though, will hide anything makes them ashamed, not tell anybody. So that probably contributes to what you were talking about.
 
#5 ·
We are Paladins in plate armor. We reach out to those in need, to provide rest to the weary, and protection against life's storms. But we are battle-hardened warriors of spirit. To fight the darkness of the world, we must shield ourselves. And that is never freely taken, nor our armor removed by another. It is the warrior that relaxes, that stands down. Trust is not given, it is earned. Only when you are allowed into the Keep, into the circled wall through the gate by open invitation, will you see your Knight at his most vulnerable. And should you ever betray that trust, may luck be on your side, for mercy will not be.

Chances are, he's been through a lot. Learned to protect himself. Give it time. If you care as much as you say, and things are generally going well, you'll find yourself in his circle at some point. We are selective about who we let in.
 
Discussion starter · #6 ·
We've been playing a game of cat and mouse for months. I think he feels intimidated by me because I'm a little older, and more experienced. I don't think he has much experience with the ladies. Plus, I have some things going on in my life that make things a little difficult. Like getting over a marriage. I know he was interested in me not long after we met almost a year ago. When he found out my husband cheated on m in November, he has trying to show me he's into me. For months, this has been going on. He would try to follow me out like he was going to tell me something but fail, stares at me, does things for others so I can see it, and notice how helpful he is, then he has even included almost our whole department in on his affections for me. I texted him several times he always responds with a general answer. Then I texted him pretty much admitting I'm into him, and probably making him aware that I know he has been into me, and still he has not confessed anything to me. He acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about. I've know for months, I think he knows I've know about his interest in me and that everyone else knows. What is now holding him back is beyond me. I can only think that maybe it has been a fantasy for months but I just made it real, and that makes him afraid, and vulnerable.

After months of this, I fantasize about just grabbing him on our way out and kissing him. He has won his way into my heart despite all of the objections. I wish he would give me something. I feel like this has reached a point that if it doesn't go anywhere well I will have to leave my job. I allowed myself to have feelings for him and having to work with someone who ultimately rejected me is too much. Especially after he had spent months chasing me. I just wish he would tell me, at least admit it was true. I feel I deserve an answer.
 
Discussion starter · #7 ·
I'm such an idiot, why didn't I just let it go? At first curiosity got the best of me, then it was just feelings. How could he lead me on for months then when I respond, just leave me hanging? I feel embarrassed. How could someone do that? It's so cold. I feel like such an idiot, and the worst part is I have to pretend I'm fine. I keep crying, because I had hoped it was going to go a different direction and I feel humiliated.
 
#9 ·
Well, I can't speak for the others, but personally I'm hard on myself in respect of, I know better. meaning in my terms of right and wrong.

I have gotten myself hurt so many times because I lowered my guard for someone I thought was trustworthy or who I thought loved/cared for me and it backfired and because I feel so intensely, the pain is really unbearable and I carry it for months or even longer.

Was in a serious relationship that felt like it was killing me at the end of our 6 years. I had to get out, we where trying to work it out for 2 years and believe me...i really really really tried, I don't easliy give up on someone I emotionally invested in. I ended it and I still blamed myself 4 years later because I should have known better adn should have handled it maybe differently or maybe it didn't work out because I gave up etc. I saw the end coming and I refused to give up. Emotional roller coaster of death.

People don't always realise how easily we get attached or the amount of emotional investment and effort we put in. and if it all goes south, the pain is physically real.

and then of course privacy...some people just don't have it...so obviously i'm not going to share my inner being to them until I'm sure that you will guard my 'crazy inner world' against the rest of the world. I'm not asking for them to stand up and fight for me, just a little privacy and respect for my own inner being. For someone to just see straight over my walls will freak me out and I will try to build it even higher. Just because you know something about me doesn't mean I want you to make it known to me. There's a time and place for everything and pin pointing stuff out when I hardly know your intentions will make me run for it.

When you're in...you're in for life. That is one of the reasons why my walls are more like a maze than anything else with a thousand doors all locked. You think you're in...another door, another wall. But almost completely open to the people I learned to love.
 
#10 ·
NightGallery said:
I'm such an idiot, why didn't I just let it go? At first curiosity got the best of me, then it was just feelings. How could he lead me on for months then when I respond, just leave me hanging? I feel embarrassed. How could someone do that? It's so cold. I feel like such an idiot, and the worst part is I have to pretend I'm fine. I keep crying, because I had hoped it was going to go a different direction and I feel humiliated.
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I'm sorry :( Is this guy just like... really shy? Or something? His behavior seems pretty strange to me. It sucks that you got to a point where you feel humiliated/ embarrassed in your work place. I'd say... be pretty direct with him about the fact that you like him... if he doesn't respond well to that, let it go and move on. You can lead a horse to water etc. I say "pretty" direct because it seems like this guy is kind of allergic to directness. But you have to be kind of direct... if you follow his lead, it seems like you won't get anywhere for about a century.

P.s. Also I think the more important reason to talk to him directly is so you can stop feeling bad when you go to work. You need closure on that particular issue. It seems like most of this has been driven by his weirdness, not yours, if that helps, lol.
 
#12 ·
I thought you'd given up on this INFJ you were seeking? You are aware that we are diverse bunch right? We are not carbon copies of each other. I don't 'act' coldly, my neutral is simply devoid of any emotion whereas other people's default expression may be a smile when they aren't actually consciously doing so. It doesn't bother me, it bothers other people who wish I were more open because it makes them uncomfortable not knowing what's on my mind. That's not my issue if you're uncomfortable. You seem to be one of those individuals, and to be honest, it makes me uncomfortable being around people who won't just let me be how I naturally am. It speaks volumes and suggests you want to change this man to suit your needs.

As I said on your other thread, we are not introverted feelers, we are extroverted feelers just like ENFJs. While our Fe is generally quite developed, if your Ni is strong enough, it can make you appear cold to the outside world when you're just 'thinking'. Our Ni simply comes before our Fe, so no, we aren't easy to read. If we were, you wouldn't need to ask us what is on this guy's mind. You'd already know, wouldn't you? I don't mean this as an insult, but if you're coming onto this guy as strongly as you speak on here, you might simply be irritating him, not scaring him. Yes, he may be shy, but I certainly don't take well to people trying to intrude on my thoughts when they are not welcome. You'll know if you are, because you won't have to wonder what's on my mind as I'll invite you in. Many ENFJs seem to do this, be pushy when it comes to wanting others' emotions laid out on a platter before them. If you're pushy, we will withdraw emotionally from you. Your behaviour will only grant you the opposite of what you want and you will be rewarded with coldness. Someone trying to 'read' me is as personal as someone trying to read my diary, for example, I'm not going to take kindly to it and will make a stonger effort to hide it unconsciously.

Remember, ENFJ or INFJ, you are not psychic. And though you may get a strong 'feeling' that you know what someone is thinking, you are not inside their head. Even I have to remind myself that, and I am good at reading people. But I am not perfect, no one is. And INFJs can tell when you're trying to intrude on their thoughts, ENTPs are similar and again, they don't take kindly to it and will shut down if you try. Think about it this way. He might actually like you, but if you haven't earned his trust, he is not going to let you know what he's thinking about. And no amount of nudging and prodding is going to work, you're only going to become a nuisance and push him away.

You need to remember, you are an extrovert, he is not. Introverts do not go around broadcasting their thoughts because it is simply not in their comfort-zone to do so. You may not like that. It doesn't matter, you still need to respect it if you want him to open up to you. INFJs value their privacy, again you need to respect that. Have you actually clearly asked him how he feels? It should save you needing to guess what's he's thinking. And if he won't answer you, take that as your answer and move on. After all, he might not be in the right place for a relationship. He may be immature, or sending you a clear sign he doesn't want you. The way you have described how he is always on your mind is not healthy and it's obviously upsetting you so maybe he isn't the one for you like you think he is. While you need openness, he may need time to open up that you can't give him. If I judge that a person who is pursuing me is going to run out of patience very quickly with me 'opening up', I won't even give them a chance. Because I want to save them and myself the future heartbreak.
 
#13 ·
I was going to answer this with a "You must be this tall (or trusted) to enter" meme, but on googling it, some of the other images were too interesting to not share:

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Ahem, right. Just be you. Don't push him. For myself, I don't care if people can read me or not, but I always wonder what made them come to conclusions they did regardless of what their perception is.
 
Discussion starter · #14 ·
I did too, but he wouldn't stop...the Force is too strong between us. It's wrecked havoc to my emotional being for almost 6 months. I don't know what he is thinking, I can just see his state of emotions. They always copy my reactions. Everything I do seems to affect him, yet he won't express it. Yesterday, I was coming back to the office from a clients, he was too. However, he must of saw my car and was waiting for me. Then he walked out with me. Always talking about the things that happened in the day. I always get the feeling he's trying to lead up to saying something but backs out. I don't know. This is the strangest office fling I've ever known... Lol. Someday I'm going to write a blog about it.

What is funny is that ENFJ, and INFJ types are not too far off. This situation between us is a direct display of our main difference. I want to get everything out in the open, extrovert the sh&$ out of my feelings and he wants to do riddles and trust fall exercises. He dishes out a little info here and there. Like, I'll tell you about my family and where we're from, and that's all you get for a month. Here I'm like telling him about my ancestors and family history, where they all live. I have to admit, his method makes me like him more. He's a mystery and I'm buying it. I can't tell you how hard it is not to grab him in the stairway and just...well you know. But....I know he's trying to do this the right way...I think. Honestly, I don't know what's going on. He figured out that I read people well so he's doing a great job throwing me off; it's working.
 
Discussion starter · #15 ·
ENFJ'S are not introspective, we are completely external. Yes, it drives me crazy when I can't read someone. Because, I put all my energy into what other people are feeling or what they need. I don't think about my own needs, I realize it eventually or I talk it out. I hate it. I think ENFJ's are one of the more paranoid types. If you're quiet and don't share with me then you can be trusted...you're hiding something. I suppose I'd make a great interrogator. I know a lot of this has to do with life experiences. Reading people was a way of survival. It doesn't shut off, it's exhausting, and makes life around people difficult.
 
#16 ·
NightGallery said:
ENFJ'S are not introspective, we are completely external. Yes, it drives me crazy when I can't read someone. Because, I put all my energy into what other people are feeling or what they need. I don't think about my own needs, I realize it eventually or I talk it out. I hate it. I think ENFJ's are one of the more paranoid types. If you're quiet and don't share with me then you can be trusted...you're hiding something. I suppose I'd make a great interrogator. I know a lot of this has to do with life experiences. Reading people was a way of survival. It doesn't shut off, it's exhausting, and makes life around people difficult.
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INFJs are extremely introspective, that's just who we are. I know that I will never truly understand what it feels like to live externally because everything in my life is focussed internally and always will be. I live in my head and occasionally have to leave my own mind to interact with the world. It's like other people, the world surrounding etc. are just 'accessories' or 'add-ons' to my life, which I am the centre of. It may be beneficial for you to understand that as an INFJ, being private about my thoughts is second nature, it's not something we plot or take a lot of time to do. Just as you don't consciously think about how you're about to read someone's feelings, thoughts etc. And being private does not equate 'hiding' something for us, it does for types who may observe us, but not for us personally. I'm not hiding anything, I simply don't feel the need to share. Either it isn't important, or I'm not ready to share and you just have to wait. It's just like having a favourite colour on your mind. It's not that important what it is, but regardless I have no interest in letting you know just for the sake of it like many extroverted types might tell you anyway just to make conversation (which I find bizarre as an introvert). Though that doesn't mean I'm actively trying to stop you from knowing what my favourite colour is, I feel you have no reason to know it.

I accept that, since I'm attracted to extroverts, I have to be flexible and be more open around them because otherwise they are uncomfortable. That is if we're close and I'm trying to establish a relationship, otherwis I don't care. Because as I'm getting older, I'm understanding more that while it is okay for me to never air my thoughts, it wouldn't be okay for EXXX partner to feel left in the dark. I don't truly get why you feel that way, but I make compromises to make the relationship work. This guy you're pursuing doesn't sound like he's trying in the slightest. The easiest thing to conclude therefore, is that he just doesn't feel the same way about you. I'm pretty sure he would have made an attempt to open up by now considering how long you have known him, even if it was just about small things, and he hasn't.

Sometimes I think it is good to understand that we are not perfect, even our strengths are not flawless. As I said, I'm good at reading people, but the two ENTPs in my life are the hardest to read I've ever met and I admit that it frustrates me like you reading this INFJ frustrates you. But I had to learn to understand that my frustration was my issue, not theirs. It makes me uncomfortable because it reminds me that I'm not perfect and that is the same thing that's happening to you right now and you have to accept that not everyone is an open book. My best friend, an ENTP, only lets me know her thoughts when it suits her and I accept that I can't walk around her mind when I feel like it just as I can with others. I get that with our friendship, I have to take her word for what she does tell me because I simply don't have the power to read her mind like I do others. This guy isn't giving you anything to work with, and therefore I don't think you're ever going to be satisfied with him if this is his truest self.
 
#17 ·
@NightGallery
Have you tried typing his enneagram?
I've been close to a few INFJs and while some of them are shy like you describe, none of them were avoidant about "making things real" - in fact in my experience they really appreciate directness. However I have encountered that problem in a guy, who would lead me on and obsess over me like no other and then any time things were about to get real he'd back out and play dumb. It might be a combination of being an INFJ, X enneagram type and being severely fucked in the head.
 
Discussion starter · #18 ·
He is interested in me, he is the one that started this. He has told everyone in the office that he does. The frustrating part is that there is something holding him back from telling me. Like I said, I think he's very inexperienced with ladies, and maybe he just doesn't want to look bad. At first he was trying overly hard to impress me, now he's trying to little by little tell me what he's lacking. Which I respect deeply because that means he's willing to expose that inexperience to me, which I know has to be a very big move for him. It's just the riddles and the plotting without explanation that frustrates me. Like he'll plan ahead to see me but nothing happens but conversation. I do get the feeling he is working up to something, I don't pressure him. I just express my feeling on something.
 
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