Are we incompatible with INFJs ?

Lone Adventurer · Jul 20, 2016

Hmmm...

Necrilia · Jul 20, 2016

Lonewaer said:
You might want to know, for the sake of your relationship, that in order for an INTP to accept that they might be incorrect, you have to at least direct them in a direction they might not have seen, and ideally to show them why they're incorrect. Everything else is a attack on an argument that has been thought through for a long time, making the attack completely blank ("I'm wrong ? Why ?"). So if you consider that just telling me I'm wrong without a reason should be accepted right away, then yes, please refrain to ever tell anyone they're wrong again. Your judgments are going to be questioned when you interact with Ps, especially xNxPs and xSTPs, and you'll have to deal with that. And it's not because we want to question your judgments, but because we want to know why we're wrong. It's not about you until you make it about you.

I'm very familiar with all that.

You just don't seem like a person who would accept my view on stuff. That's why I didn't bother and gave up.

Lonewaer · Jul 20, 2016

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Coffee_Yum · Jul 21, 2016

And ladies and gents this small argument demonstrates how INTP and INFJ can fail in a relationship. Both types needs to make adjustments in the way they communicate with each other.

But other than this, they can be quite compatible being on the introvert and intuitive aspects. The mutual respect for personal space and the shared thirst for deeper understanding of things can draw them together quite tightly. It's not a magical combination where all the pieces fit, but in general the 2 types are compatible and can be in a sustainable relationship with some effort.

zanah0dia · Jul 21, 2016

INFJs lead with Ni, which doesn't do well with our Ne. My fiancee is an INFJ and this has been a bit of a challenge - he has a very one-track mind. I want my hand in every pot and bounce around from topic to topic and have a hundred tabs open(in browser and mind) at once, and he can't keep up with it. He handles things one topic at a time, but goes far deeper into each one than I can handle. He'll still be diving deeper into one topic and I'll have moved on to six more.
SO, if I'm telling a story or explaining something and go off onto several small tangents or add sidenotes that my brain thinks are completely and totally relevant because mentally they're connected to one another, he can get overwhelmed and pressured because the whole thing moves faster than he can and he can't follow it.

INFJs are also prone to door-slamming(completely shutting someone out of their life - blocked, deleted, etc) if they feel like the person has crossed some line that betrays their trust. INFJ fiancee had to doorslam a former friend earlier this year because even after he'd asked them to stop a certain behaviour towards him, they did it repeatedly. Since he'd already asked them NOT to do it, and they continued anyway, he felt it showed a lack of respect towards him. INFJs are very open and understanding, very good judges of character, incredibly open minded. BUT. If they feel disrespected or like you're not giving them the same level of trust that they've given you or that they deserve, they won't hesitate to cut you out completely.

pillowpo · Jul 21, 2016

Hi! I'm in a relationship with an INFP and I have to say it is a very challenging relationship to keep up! We're not perfectly compatible but there's always ways to fight through this. Don't live life by MBTI if you know what I'm saying :tongues:.
while he responds to me very emotionally he also emotionally makes me feel good! it sounds like your friend felt a bit anxious with your communication style, and i think it's important to listen and try your hardest to accommodate how people feel if you want to keep things going with 'em!

HGy · Jul 21, 2016

zanah0dia said:
INFJs lead with Ni, which doesn't do well with our Ne. My fiancee is an INFJ and this has been a bit of a challenge - he has a very one-track mind. I want my hand in every pot and bounce around from topic to topic and have a hundred tabs open(in browser and mind) at once, and he can't keep up with it. He handles things one topic at a time, but goes far deeper into each one than I can handle. He'll still be diving deeper into one topic and I'll have moved on to six more.
SO, if I'm telling a story or explaining something and go off onto several small tangents or add sidenotes that my brain thinks are completely and totally relevant because mentally they're connected to one another, he can get overwhelmed and pressured because the whole thing moves faster than he can and he can't follow it.

INFJs are also prone to door-slamming(completely shutting someone out of their life - blocked, deleted, etc) if they feel like the person has crossed some line that betrays their trust. INFJ fiancee had to doorslam a former friend earlier this year because even after he'd asked them to stop a certain behaviour towards him, they did it repeatedly. Since he'd already asked them NOT to do it, and they continued anyway, he felt it showed a lack of respect towards him. INFJs are very open and understanding, very good judges of character, incredibly open minded. BUT. If they feel disrespected or like you're not giving them the same level of trust that they've given you or that they deserve, they won't hesitate to cut you out completely.

On that note, do ever think he'll door slam you?

zanah0dia · Jul 21, 2016

HGy said:
On that note, do ever think he'll door slam you?

I hope not! We're very open in regards to communication and haven't had any really big fights. Anytime we've had any issues we were able to take a few minutes to calm down and address the issue logically and get things resolved fairly easily. We also knew going into the relationship that we might have that sort of issue, since we met through a mutual interest in MBTI and knew each other's types and where they differ from our own, so when something DOES come up, we usually rotate our perspectives a bit since it's likely just a difference in how we're interpreting things and then they're resolved pretty fast.

Anything it would take for him to end up door slamming me would probably require so much effort on my part and feel so unnatural for me to do in the first place that I'd be very surprised if it happened.

Flow Ozzy · Jul 21, 2016

zanah0dia said:
I hope not! We're very open in regards to communication and haven't had any really big fights. Anytime we've had any issues we were able to take a few minutes to calm down and address the issue logically and get things resolved fairly easily. We also knew going into the relationship that we might have that sort of issue, since we met through a mutual interest in MBTI and knew each other's types and where they differ from our own, so when something DOES come up, we usually rotate our perspectives a bit since it's likely just a difference in how we're interpreting things and then they're resolved pretty fast.

Anything it would take for him to end up door slamming me would probably require so much effort on my part and feel so unnatural for me to do in the first place that I'd be very surprised if it happened.

In your opinion do INFJs rely more on subtle cues while communicating their displeasure or are they straight forward in their approach ? because I think in my experience I had no idea what was brewing in their heads

lavendersnow · Jul 21, 2016

subzhero said:
In your opinion do INFJs rely more on subtle cues while communicating their displeasure or are they straight forward in their approach ? because I think in my experience I had no idea what was brewing in their heads

Sorry to butt in, but definitely both. Which is why other people find us confusing, and rightly so at times. If we're upset or annoyed by you, we're likely to hint at it first in subtle ways rather than meanly say "I hate you because X" howevever, what differs from INFJ to INFJ is said person's tolerance level for being annoyed. One may try to make hints much longer before shutting you out completely, another will only give one or two hints before they leave you and there will be no discussion about it. We've made up our mind, which is why it seems abrupt to the person being shut out, when to us, it was a long time coming and we felt as the we gave you enough warning. Fe is our second function, most us aren't comfortable immediately shouting our displeasure at someone the minute we're mad, while it's not as clear, we often see hints as more kind as an approach.

As I've gotten older, I have started communicating my displeasure much more clearly from the outset. Because I'm tired of hearing (after I've shut someone out) that they feel they didn't know just how much they were annoying/upsetting me before my tolerance ran out.

Flow Ozzy · Jul 21, 2016

lavendersnow said:
Sorry to butt in, but definitely both. Which is why other people find us confusing, and rightly so at times. If we're upset or annoyed by you, we're likely to hint at it first in subtle ways rather than meanly say "I hate you because X" howevever, what differs from INFJ to INFJ is said person's tolerance level for being annoyed. One may try to make hints much longer before shutting you out completely, another will only give one or two hints before they leave you and there will be no discussion about it. We've made up our mind, which is why it seems abrupt to the person being shut out, when to us, it was a long time coming and we felt as the we gave you enough warning. Fe is our second function, most us aren't comfortable immediately shouting our displeasure at someone the minute we're mad, while it's not as clear, we often see hints as more kind as an approach.

As I've gotten older, I have started communicating my displeasure much more clearly from the outset. Because I'm tired of hearing (after I've shut someone out) that they feel they didn't know just how much they were annoying/upsetting me before my tolerance ran out.

That could be the key, I guess I would have done better with person.1 as that happened in RL, more easier to pick up clues. Thanks, it really helps a lot and I think I would prefer sticking with ENFJs lol

Lone Adventurer · Jul 21, 2016

subzhero said:
In your opinion do INFJs rely more on subtle cues while communicating their displeasure or are they straight forward in their approach ? because I think in my experience I had no idea what was brewing in their heads

Depends on the individual. If, say, I was close to you, then rest assured that I would have my thoughts revealed to you. But often we might cover our feelings, for the fear of hurting someone else.

Flow Ozzy · Jul 21, 2016

Inu No Taisho said:
Depends on the individual. If, say, I was close to you, then rest assured that I would have my thoughts revealed to you. But often we might cover our feelings, for the fear of hurting someone else.

I think INTPs have a thick skin, IMO ... we can take it.

lavendersnow · Jul 21, 2016

subzhero said:
That could be the key, I guess I would have done better with person.1 as that happened in RL, more easier to pick up clues. Thanks, it really helps a lot and I think I would prefer sticking with ENFJs lol

Yes, perhaps. I can understand why you'd think that way. However, as I said, this is an Fe thing. And for ENFJs, Fe comes first, which may give you an even bigger problem than you find in INFJs, who have Fe second. It really depends on the individual. Sometimes, and I'm aware it sounds bad, it's just easier to cut someone off quickly than take the time to explain (which could turn into an argument) why they have upset you.

It also depends on how much I care about someone. I feel someone I like, but has annoyed me, is due an explanation as to why I'm unhappy with them. That's probably not going to happen with someone I've already warned thrice or someone I don't care to be friends with any longer anyway. Every individual is so different, even every INFJ from the next.

Flow Ozzy · Jul 21, 2016

lavendersnow said:
Yes, perhaps. I can understand why you'd think that way. However, as I said, this is an Fe thing. And for ENFJs, Fe comes first, which may give you an even bigger problem than you find in INFJs, who have Fe second. It really depends on the individual. Sometimes, and I'm aware it sounds bad, it's just easier to cut someone off quickly than take the time to explain (which could turn into an argument) why they have upset you.

It also depends on how much I care about someone. I feel someone I like, but has annoyed me, is due an explanation as to why I'm unhappy with them. That's probably not going to happen with someone I've already warned thrice or someone I don't care to be friends with any longer anyway. Every individual is so different, even every INFJ from the next.

My best friend is an ENFJ, apart from RL we hardly keep in touch at all but when I am with him, it's like smooth sailing. Maybe he just a nice person, nothing to do with his MBTI type. I have a very, very messy life and he never, ever has said a word of criticism, he only says something when I ask him for some advice but people are more than their MBTI type I guess.

lavendersnow · Jul 21, 2016

subzhero said:
My best friend is an ENFJ, apart from RL we hardly keep in touch at all but when I am with him, it's like smooth sailing. Maybe he just a nice person, nothing to do with his MBTI type. I have a very, very messy life and he never, ever has said a word of criticism, he only says something when I ask him for some advice but people are more than their MBTI type I guess.

I agree. I don't think this is an INFJ problem. Nor do I think it's an INTP-INFJ problem or any variation of the sort. Some people are just not very direct/not nice and that doesn't depend on MBTI. You were just unlucky enough to meet these less than pleasant people. At least you have a nice ENFJ to rely on

zanah0dia · Jul 21, 2016

subzhero said:
In your opinion do INFJs rely more on subtle cues while communicating their displeasure or are they straight forward in their approach ? because I think in my experience I had no idea what was brewing in their heads

Both. INFJ dislike conflict, so if they're annoyed or upset, they'll likely internalize it and not say anything for a while. Once it reaches a certain point they might say something, but even that will be really difficult for them to do since they don't like conflict and don't want to hurt anyone.
In the beginning of mine and my fiancee's relationship, I never had any idea what he was thinking or feeling, so if I had crossed a line and hurt him on accident, I wouldn't know that I had done something that wasn't okay. We always made up after, and going into the relationship we knew that we might have issues with that and it would have to be worked around. After we'd been together a while and figured out how we interact best, he's now very open and clear with his emotions. If he's upset over something(anything in general, not just us), he'll usually take a few minutes(Ni buffer time...) and then come at me with simple, rational, explanations that I'll be able to easily understand. We both know that I'm really bad at picking up on emotions, so this is a system that works for us. It's still really hard for him to do, because of the potential for conflict, but it's necessary since neither of us wants to fight or hurt one another, and I will most likely not notice anything is wrong until it's too late, even though I try really hard to pay attention. I just don't pick up on things. (Every time we've had an argument I didn't know we were arguing until much after the fact)

When he's upset or I notice a change in his behaviour and think he's having an emotion, he'll usually tell me something like, "I'm okay, I just need a few minutes to calm down again" or, "I'm having a lot of anxiety about ___". He's said that it's more so I know what's going on and don't worry than for him. I also usually ask him specifically what he needs me to do to help him, that way instead of floundering around and fumbling through trying to comfort someone, I have a designated task that I can do my best at.

tl;dr INFJs don't want to hurt anyone so they'll probably keep to themselves unless you cross a line, or you're close and they want you to know what happened in hopes that it won't happen again because they want to keep the relationship healthy. They don't trust easily so to be let in to an INFJ's mind even for a few minutes is like being made a member of an uber special top secret club. Anything to add, love? @Winegums

Necrilia · Jul 21, 2016

lavendersnow said:
One may try to make hints much longer before shutting you out completely, another will only give one or two hints before they leave you and there will be no discussion about it. We've made up our mind, which is why it seems abrupt to the person being shut out, when to us, it was a long time coming and we felt as the we gave you enough warning. Fe is our second function, most us aren't comfortable immediately shouting our displeasure at someone the minute we're mad, while it's not as clear, we often see hints as more kind as an approach.

- Underlined part:

Which is why I dislike when other people interfere with something they actually have no good understanding about and then judge the situation.

- Fe part

Also, we give hints very patiently. It's not that we seek for acts of service, gifts and whatnot in return from you or anyone to whom we give hints... We just want the other person to recognize them. That's all INFJs want. It's simple. Often other people like to interfere (of course), misinterpret it for others and make it seem as negative.

Are we incompatible with INFJs ?

Lone Adventurer

Necrilia

Lonewaer

Coffee_Yum

zanah0dia

pillowpo

HGy

zanah0dia

Flow Ozzy

lavendersnow

Flow Ozzy

Lone Adventurer

Flow Ozzy

lavendersnow

Flow Ozzy

lavendersnow

zanah0dia

Necrilia

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