Help:( My INTJ just broke up with me .. I'm ENFP

hopasha · Sep 1, 2016

Hello, all, glad to join the forum,
First, sorry for my english, as I am not a native speaker and I dont know it very well....
I am 38 female ENFP, he is 35, INTJ. We've met about 4 months ago. At first, I was the one who was unsure about starting a relationship with my INTJ. I was never married, and he was divorced with 2 kids. But he calmly overpassed all my doubts and we started dating. The connection was wonderful. He began to be more and more attentionate, he insisted on presenting me his kids, even if I told him that maybe it is not yet time to do that and he should do that only when we will be sure that our relationship is ok, he insisted to meet his family (mother, friends,), he made everything in order to assure me he is ready to assume a relationship and maybe even more. He broke up his previous relationship because of the verbal abbuse of his wife and because he was afraid that this will get him to physical aggresion.
He was from the beginning very clear about his intentions: he wanted to marry and have a happy family.
So we started dating, he being very nice and so and so.
A week ago...I dont really know why....I started to fight with him because of some stupidities. It happened twice.
Second time he got very upset, he closed his phone off and the next day he told me that he only wants to stay friends, and asked me about the coming trip we've booked together. I was upset too because of him closing the phone, so I said that keeping into account the current situation, there's no need for us to go anymore in any trip.
And from that moment on, he started giving me the silent treatment...and all the kind words dissapeared.
As the trip approaches (sunday), I contacted him last sunday to talk and to apologise...and he told me that we are so different persons and we could never get along. He said that he loves me, but our ways of behaving are so different that we stand no chance of being together. And he started to throw me back all my fears from the beginning.
We agreed that we will talk after I come back from the trip...But today, I've felt that I cannot stay away anymore, so I messaged him to say that I'm so sorry of what I did (I asked him to forgive me last sunday also)...and he said that he is not upset, that I haven't done anything wrong, it's just that the two of us aren't compatible. Not any 2 people are compatible and I will see that I will be ok, I just have to be patient.
Sunday he told me that he gave up on everything (his family and all) because he didn't stand verbal abuse and all this stuff...and if we argue 3 times a week we have all the chances in the world of getting into the same point, thing that he doesn't want...so it is better to finish it now than later and be even more hurtful then.
He told me using nice words...
But he was who also said..before all this...that he does not care about our differences, that we will overpass them together, that he loves me, that he wants to blablabla.... That we will take decisions together and so on.
So, this abrupt change ...its....scaring..and I dont know what to do....
Please, help on this matter.
He also made a huge sacrifice at the beginning, and that convinced me that he is serious about his intentions and so...he also tried to tell me about INTJ's but I didn't payed attention at that time... I thought that he was like that, kind, affectionate, warm at heart...I 've never figured out he'll be capable of that silent treatment and of that abrupt break.
Please, advise... Should I let him alone or should I insist on getting him back?
He totally changed his way of behaving...It's...stunning for me...and hurtfull...and...I really dunno what to do...
I am not an idiot though...I am so aware that he was really in love with me... and after reading all those INTJ forums, I can tell that he had all that sensibility and he was very open and honest...I feel like s....t now...
But if he really loved me, how can he break up so quick and ...easily?
I saw him crying at our last discution...he showed me all his vulnerabilities...I m devastated...

Sorry if I express myself in such a ...disorderly way.. I am totally lost

lilysocks · Sep 1, 2016

And he started to throw me back all my fears from the beginning.

it sounds like timing. he's come to a point where he's seeing the same things you were worried about in the beginning, only now he takes them more seriously. it happens all the time, unfortunately.

sometimes i think breakups would be easier if the person making the decision just acknowledged that they have come full circle. 'you know, now i understand what you were talking about at the start. i didn't see it then, but i get it now. and i think you were right.'

Please, advise... Should I let him alone or should I insist on getting him back?

i dunno. i don't think any relationship really works where one person has to talk the other person into being into it. or it wouldn't work for me, anyway.

hopasha · Sep 1, 2016

Thank you for your reply. Being in a hurry, I forgot to write...or I did not want to...that his wife is moving with the kids in another town...just right now...so, this must be very hurtful for him....but even like that, just as you said, but in another words...in the process of love, there must be 2 persons...not just only one. Maybe he didn't got over the separation with the wife...and I think that ...that's why I never kinda wanted to have someone in my life with "baggage"...

lilysocks · Sep 2, 2016

i think it's best to believe exactly what he told you the last time you met. for whatever that's worth. he sounds like he was making an effort to be as honest with you as he could, and to me he also sounds like someone who had been actually thinking in the meantime. he's realised that he made some mistakes in his first projection about the situation. we usually do update the truth as we discover more of it, ime. and that's what this sounds like to me. 'i thought this, but i've learned some things i didn't expect or didn't take into account, and my perspective has changed.' in my experience of life, people rarely flat-out lie. they're far more usually sincere as far as their knowledge goes . . . it's just their knowledge doesn't go far enough to cover reality.

so, tbh, i think he was sincere in the beginning and he's sincere now. the only difference is the amount and type of truth he now has to tell.

you might be right about his family being a factor. he's definitely had some reality checks about himself and his own preparedness for a new relationship, is what it sounds like to me. and that certainly could have been part of it. but i don't think that means his new perspective is wrong. it's not really about his ex-wife moving away.

Felinex · Sep 1, 2016

hopasha said:
verbal abbuse of his wife and because he was afraid that this will get him to physical aggresion.

You are better off without him.

hopasha · Sep 1, 2016

Still hurts...

There4GoEye · Sep 2, 2016

hopasha said:
He also made a huge sacrifice at the beginning, and that convinced me that he is serious about his intentions and so...he also tried to tell me about INTJ's but I didn't payed attention at that time... I thought that he was like that, kind, affectionate, warm at heart...I 've never figured out he'll be capable of that silent treatment and of that abrupt break.

Oh!
Understand that if you have this perception, then he was making a very real, powerful and significant effort to give you what you needed. Though probably this was made easier by fatherhood.

Returning to cold and seemingly emotionless is the easy part, like letting the air back out of a balloon.

hopasha · Sep 2, 2016

Yes, he was making a very real effort to give me what I needed, and I thought he was just like that

mr. rozay · Sep 2, 2016

lets get to the heart of this matter.

What are your fears about this relationship? and why do you think that you feel them?

what exactly do you think you feel about it all? whats the big picture of it all?

hopasha · Sep 2, 2016

My fears are that the relationship is over. And not only the relationship, but also in that stage, I fear that not even a friendship is possible (by the way he keeps me at a distance). I feel them because I thought that he's the "one" and that we will marry and so on. I feel hurt. I try not to feel the pain in my soul, but I can't manage to do that. I even took a few calming pills in order to calm down that awfull feeling in the heart. I feel....betrayed a bit? Maybe he's back to the previous relationship and was just trying to find a reason to dump me...
And in addition....at the beginning he told me that he was selective about his friends and this made me laugh..because with me he was so warm and nice all the time. And he told me he wasn't that way and that is a mistery for him how he manages to feel so good and in peace next to me... and so on...Now I understand ....

But if he felt that way and valued the way we were together...how can he stay away?

rezo · Sep 2, 2016

didnt pass 4 months it doesnt count.

an intj that is responding with not compatible over and over and not throwing something else out there in an effort to repair is an intj you aren't likely to get back.

mangodelic psycho · Sep 2, 2016

It sounds like he saw some red flag while you were fighting about stupidities.

sweetraglansweater · Sep 2, 2016

hopasha said:
Please, advise... Should I let him alone or should I insist on getting him back?
He totally changed his way of behaving...It's...stunning for me...and hurtfull...and...I really dunno what to do...
I am not an idiot though...I am so aware that he was really in love with me... and after reading all those INTJ forums, I can tell that he had all that sensibility and he was very open and honest...I feel like s....t now...
But if he really loved me, how can he break up so quick and ...easily?
I saw him crying at our last discution...he showed me all his vulnerabilities...I m devastated...
Sorry if I express myself in such a ...disorderly way.. I am totally lost

No, don't beg. If there is one thing I know about men, especially NT types is that once they make up their mind, especially so abruptly, you are as good as dead. Begging is a sign of weakness to them and will make them disrespect you more. Also, even if he DID get back with you he will always see you as the weak one. Don't do it. Trust me. I did it and I regret it.

If he's able to break it off with you on whim (even after an argument...arguments are bound to happen) but literally days before he was talking about marriage...let me tell you something...he did you a favor. He sounds insecure, he's clearly involved with insecure and emotionally abusive people and he was foolish not to slow things down, take your advice and make sure his head was where his heart was.

This guy jumped too deep, against YOUR advice and misgivings, he led YOU on and then when shit got real he pulled out and cut out. That, to me, is a sign of a weak man who doesn't know his own limits. He's getting yelled at by his ex and her family, it sounds like so of course it's easiest to cut you out of his life the moment there is any friction.

I don't know if you are are a bitch when you argue or just normal, but assuming you are a normal woman who acts like other normal women when they argue then clearly he's overracting and can't handle the stress.

I'd like to mention here: he's the one with kids and an ex whose mean to him. He chose a bad person in his past and is likely less tolerant of behavior which grates his goad.

Don't blame yourself too much --unless you are a bitch when you argue, then yes, change. It sounds like this guy is dealing with stuff wayyy beyond his maturity range, jumped into quickly with you and then had to retreat when reality nipped him in the but. Avoid him and thank god he gave you the out.

hopasha · Sep 2, 2016

sweetraglansweater ...wow....what an answer...I guess...you guess it...
I dont mind being the weak one...
And somethimes I can be a real bitch when arguing...
But if he s dealing with emotional abusive people....and he was so at peace with me (except the argument)...whatever...questions without answers...

sweetraglansweater · Sep 3, 2016

If you acknowledge that half of this problem is you then the only power you have is to change and by change I mean alter the way you express yourself during conflict.

It's a pity he can't tell you specifically what you did wrong so you have the data with which to begin this process. But he doesn't owe you answers or explanations.

Chalk it up as lesson learned. Keep your dignity in tact. There are other men out there who will give feedback.

Allow me to say...I sympathise. Being dumped for personal flaws is a real crusher. This happened to me once or twice before and nothing makes it better except taking it on the chin and sacking up your ovaries to move forward....

hopasha · Sep 2, 2016

update

I was in such a pain that I went today at his office...I only intended to see him a bit from far away...but afterwards...I went and say hy...Not sure though about the moment he saw me, I guess he saw me minutes before I went to him, but acted like he didn't....I actually went to him, because I guess he saw me...
We discussed, I was a bit tired so not too much display of emotion from me.... I looked him straight into the eyes....and asked him...listen, are we still toghether ? ( Dumb dumb dumb, I know, but I needed a direct answer). And he said...ummm....no, we are not together anymore. But why? Because we are not fit for each other...OK....
And small talks and small talks...soo, then u are going to leave for that trip.. he noticed instantly that i had new shoes, ..and at the end he took me into his arms and holded me tight ( I felt like a baby)... I was staring at him right into his eyes....not saying anything... I also noticed him.... I felt the warmth, because I wasn't aggressive in my behaviour displaying too evident feelings, he relaxed and acted as he kinda used to do when we were together, but I also noticed the fact that in spite of that, he was somehow detached. and this is scary: if you love someone, how can u detach yourself so quickly????
and he said "when u come back from the trip, we will see each other and talk". I was tempted to answer "talk about what?" It was a bit like he was reading into my mind...because I was staring at him and waiting for him to say that, but without telling him for what I wait....
OK...but I guess he only said it like that...just to be nice...
I just hope that till 15th of september when my trip ends...I will be more relaxed and him more...I dunno....
I still want him, but I start to think ...I am a beautiful (and non modest woman) without any strings attached.. I look far more younger than I am...he should be the one running after me, even if I made some mistakes...
In any case, after that experience, I intend to change a few things about me.... just hope those days will offer him the space to reflect on what he wants...

g_w · Sep 3, 2016

hopasha said:
I was in such a pain that I went today at his office...I only intended to see him a bit from far away...but afterwards...I went and say hy...Not sure though about the moment he saw me, I guess he saw me minutes before I went to him, but acted like he didn't....I actually went to him, because I guess he saw me...
We discussed, I was a bit tired so not too much display of emotion from me.... I looked him straight into the eyes....and asked him...listen, are we still toghether ? ( Dumb dumb dumb, I know, but I needed a direct answer). And he said...ummm....no, we are not together anymore. But why? Because we are not fit for each other...OK....
And small talks and small talks...soo, then u are going to leave for that trip.. he noticed instantly that i had new shoes, ..and at the end he took me into his arms and holded me tight ( I felt like a baby)... I was staring at him right into his eyes....not saying anything... I also noticed him.... I felt the warmth, because I wasn't aggressive in my behaviour displaying too evident feelings, he relaxed and acted as he kinda used to do when we were together, but I also noticed the fact that in spite of that, he was somehow detached. and this is scary: if you love someone, how can u detach yourself so quickly????
and he said "when u come back from the trip, we will see each other and talk". I was tempted to answer "talk about what?" It was a bit like he was reading into my mind...because I was staring at him and waiting for him to say that, but without telling him for what I wait....
OK...but I guess he only said it like that...just to be nice...
I just hope that till 15th of september when my trip ends...I will be more relaxed and him more...I dunno....
I still want him, but I start to think ...I am a beautiful (and non modest woman) without any strings attached.. I look far more younger than I am...he should be the one running after me, even if I made some mistakes...
In any case, after that experience, I intend to change a few things about me.... just hope those days will offer him the space to reflect on what he wants...

This must be as painful as all-get out for you.

Regarding how "if you love someone, how can you detach yourself so quickly?"... this is gonna be tricky to answer, tho' painful.
It sounds like (reading between the lines on this thread) that you got deep into his trust zone, and then...somewhere during the arguments, I guess, you stepped on one of his landmines. INTJs don't usually have land mines the way an INFP might, but they have certain things (either specific items, or attitudes/behaviours) which they see as "deal breakers" with a possible significant other.

I have two guesses for you; remember, I only have a few postings on this thread to go on, and I haven't met either of you.

There are two possibilities: he's broken up with you for GOOD, or (less likely), he's pulled back and broken up to re-evaluate.
I'll explain each one first.

For the broken up with you for GOOD, I'll bet what happened is that you got deep in his inner marshmallow fluff, and then detonated a land mine: I'll bet the land mine had to do with how his ex treated him, or the *way* she'd argue with him, or something like that, and he had made a decision that "he could never take that again" or "he'd never go back to living that way" again.

When an INTJ doorslams, what they do is what I like to call autocauterization: it happens when they've been *REALLY* hurt, and they in effect burn the emotional blood vessels shut, lest they bleed to death emotionally. It is done through sheer force of will, and it is akin to putting on a tourniquet, or sawing off a limb. It causes massive damage, but of a type the INTJ can heal from on their own.

The other possibility, is that he has broken up for now, to re-evaluate. The reason there may be a chance of this, is that
a) he *held* you. An INTJ who has decided to auto cauterize over a women, would probably NEVER reach out and hold her (as you may have noticed, we're not too touchy-feely even under ordinary conditions)
b) ...and to my mind, this is significant: he used the word "we" and said "we're going to talk." The possibilities here, are that he is
through his pain trying to let you down easy, and explain his decision to break up, and why; OR, explain why he pulled back, and terms and conditions to lower the importance of the relationship until the two of you have come to an understanding over ... well, over what it was which was so bad about the arguments. The other possibility there, is that the arguments (reminding him of his ex) were just too much for his resources to take while having to deal with the move, and the glasses,and all that.

I'm sorry this hurts! It *really* sucks to be the recipient of someone *else's* past baggage, which they should neither dump on you, nor make you pay for...and it sucks double to be blamed after he ignored your advice to go slow, and for the very reasons you warned him over.

Attached please find a voucher for a patented INTJ-bystander "nod and listen closely WITHOUT judgment" sympathy session, redeemable at will anytime during the next twelve months. (Unless of course you'd rather chase around the next INTJ you meet with a bazooka, in which case I completely understand.)

hopasha · Sep 14, 2016

Hello guys, I'm back...and during the trip...no sign of my INTJ... what do you think, should I call him? I respected what he said "we will talk after you come back from the trip"...so I gave him no sign either.... Should I expect him to do something ? Thank you.

Help:( My INTJ just broke up with me .. I'm ENFP

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