Tired of explaining myself

tryingtodobetter · Mar 19, 2017

HI! Wasn't expecting this magnitude of responses.. thank you!

mushr00m said:
This reminds of something someone wrote in the 6 forum, about the superego always putting pressure on you, in ways that cause you to feel; Guilty if you have done nothing wrong. They said they were always over explaining and speaking from a guilty conscience which made them look guilty. It comes from the childhood experiences of being told off a lot when you were a kid, blamed a lot and so on.

Sorry to put a twang on what you might have generally meant, I may have just agreed in essence only to spin it off in another direction.

Ah! Thank you for bringing this up. I've been meaning to look into how to control my ego.My childhood experience was definitely that..blamed for everything. I was the punching bag - easy target. Thanks for responding, your "twang" gave me a little more insight!

tryingtodobetter · Mar 19, 2017

HI! Wasn't expecting this magnitude of responses.. thank you!

Jonneh said:
I have so many thoughts and feelings about this, but I don't know how to say them with out sounding like a jerk who's full of himself.

Just know that you owe no one an explanation for who you are. You were created to be a unique individual. So just tell them that.

"Why do you do this?"
Because I am a unique individual.

Im very interested in hearing your exact thoughts. Everyone can be jerky at times.. I use to say something similar to that.

"Why do you do this"
"Because im *says name*" Alot of people received that as me insinuating i'm better than them (in retrospect its the people who have a fragile self-esteem because they compare themselves..females..we have got to stop doing this to each other - i wish i wish) but honestly sounds like something i should adopt again. Even when i try to explain myself someones always going to think im lying. Better of using your useful defense mechanism.

Thanks for your response, looking forward to your jerkiness :wink:

SgtPepper · Mar 19, 2017

tryingtodobetter said:
Hey ya'll! Do you ever find yourself constantly trying to explain yourself? Like you inherently think that you've done wrong? Always saying sorry...explaining your perspective and then being told you're wrong?

I'm so exhausted with going back and forth with my family. You don't call enough, you don't text enough, etc. Everytime i come home it's a fight. I try to avoid getting on their nerves by not asking them for anything and i'm already a quiet person who is normally expressionless and when i'm around people a simple how are you is too much for me. Like i can't simply say i'm good they'll say well why'd you say it like that or why didn't you smile? "You should open up more.. no no not like that wow you're cynical" How do y'all deflect questions that you consider are intrusive to your boundaries other than avoiding?

Usually i say i don't want to talk about it and i do something else.

lol, i was just thinking about this 3 minutes before i saw this thread!

yeai, i've learned life is waaaay better if you don't explain yourself. i mean, if it's my SO i'll try to explain myself a bit because i want them to understand, but everyone else - it's just too much work and i don't have the time

tryingtodobetter · Mar 19, 2017

HI! Wasn't expecting this magnitude of responses.. thank you!

Laeona said:
I've been having trouble with a few friendships because of this. They have very set ideas about what they think I'm thinking or feeling, which are inaccurate, and they think I need to change how I approach or do things based on those inaccurate ideas of who I am. I've tried correcting, but it's exhausting after awhile, because there are only so many ways you can say something before it becomes a study in insanity. Until they unlock their set viewpoint, we're not going anywhere.

I think that becomes one of the most frustrating things. People who try to tell me who I am when they don't have a clue, and then correct what they see wrong based on what they expect. Ugh. Leave me alone people!

I AGREEE!! Set viewpoints are dangerous. I often encounter situations like this as a student. I'm not sure why people in this day in age like to go off strictly appearances and assumptions. Honestly when i share some experiences with new friends i sometimes stretch the truth.. or rather.. stretch the lie. Ill elaborate : people often see me as a cold-hearted person because my Te is like "No its not necessary to open up in this situation or with this person" so i don't. But when situations arise that compels me to be compassionate they question me... hopefully this made sense.

Even when i tell someone to leave me alone they take it to heart and try to compensate for it with gifts or simply checking in too much. I don't know about you but when i want to be left alone to process how hurt i was from a situation i want to process it on my own time so then i can move on and act like whatever happened never happened...

Thanks for responding!!

tryingtodobetter · Mar 19, 2017

HI! Wasn't expecting this magnitude of responses.. thank you!

brightflashes said:
Yay sleep!

I have noticed that I get really fierce when something stated is untrue. As I've grown older, I've been learning to choose my battles and it's much easier to walk away from even getting into it. But sometimes, especially around certain people, I get baited a bit more easily. When I feel compelled to defend and explain myself, it's usually because someone has misinterpreted my intentions so much that it's like I can't even imagine why anyone would jump to a conclusion so absurd.

There's a family member who does this. My mom was abusive and I was removed from her home when I was in High School and put in my dad's custody. Later, when I was about to get married, I was sitting with a group of family members and I mentioned that I didn't want my mom to be invited to the wedding or to know where it was. Everyone there understood except one family member who said, "I don't know why you hate your mom so much."

I can't describe the rage I flew into on the inside for this. So, here's an example of when I felt like I needed to defend myself and explain myself. And, while I don't hate my mom - I love her very much which is confusing and strange, to me - I certainly hate being put in positions like that. Generally, I can walk away from those things, but sometimes someone will tell me how I feel or ascribe some motive for me than I don't have and it's infuriating. I've mentioned in the past that I clash with Fe/Ni sometimes. That's probably the best example I can give you for what I get irritated by.

Ah, welcome familiar avatar!! ^_^

Yeah no... im definitely fierce and opinionated. My mother does the same, she compares me to my father and wants me to change so bad. My father and I are similar because we're introverts but we're not that similar. I feel the same way about my mom.. uh i love her to death.. but *deep breath* Its definitely infuriating and id even go as far to say its belittling to not being given the opportunity to stand up for myself. But like you said, its better to chose your battles wisely. I'm learning that.

Thanks for your response!!

tryingtodobetter · Mar 19, 2017

HI! Wasn't expecting this magnitude of responses.. thank you!

liinabeans said:
Story of my life T_T constant guilt and explaining. Also looking guilty of something when I didn't do anything and somehow the explaining makes me seem more and more guilty. I try hard to be considerate and to understand people so that i can be good to them by their standards, so i replay and over analyze things out of fear of being misunderstood and being seen as someone inconsiderate or mean etc. This breeds a lot of useless questioning and guilt. Not sure if this is still what you guys were referring to but complicated social situations really bring up a lot of urges to explain my actions and myself in an effort to be good to people. I went out last night with friends and i've been feeling guilty today as if I had been perceived in a negative way. I just have to try and block it out because it does not really serve any positive purpose. I'd like to add that people tell me that i'm really nice and accommodating, so it really is some weird thing that i do. I hate being misinterpreted and constantly want to justify and explain myself. :bored:

Oh and I'd like to add that I have been accused of being X, or Y, when I'm actually %, or something different consistently throughout my life. I am half black and half white, born and raised in Finland, so I've often had to explain my exterior from a young age. I still constantly get asked "what" I am so I guess explaining myself is something I'm almost conditioned to do. I'm awkward as all get out and people often look at me like wtf lol I am "weird" which I don't mind, but people tend to not get me, so i want to explain, since i do think it is important to be understood in social context.

I get that.. i think. I feel that i have to explain myself alot because i feel that because of my background and because of the kind of people i grew up around i'm a walking oreo. I really do appreciate cultures, its a shame that enjoying and immersing yourself in other cultures is viewed as unacceptable on social media nowdays.. "culture appropriation" .. i get the premise however alot of people online have been twisting it.. anyways thats besides the point isnt it? I digress..

I definitely try to please people and their standards and grow frustrated when its not noticed or appreciated. In those situations its become a real practice for me to cut people off. Usually its not in a vindictive manner, i try my best to reach a friendly resolve or simply create distance by limiting communication. Honestly, every other time i would go out with friends i would feel guilty like i did something wrong.. questioning the status and integrity of the friendship. I get that..

Thanks for responding!!

tryingtodobetter · Mar 19, 2017

bigstupidgrin said:
This is a semi-big issue for me, especially at work and with my family. I'm better when I just... do things, before I have a chance to think up a reasoning why.

Riffing off of what @Jonneh said: I am who I am; other people can take it or leave it. I'm tired of trying to come up with explainations for my decisions.

Same here! I like to do things and explain myself later. I recently read quotes that said something similar to.. "Be who you are and let people deal with the weight of it" and "Shine bright like the sun; the sun doesn't give a shit its blinding you so keep shinning"

I love these... but i cant help to feel guilty for it and explain myself for haha!

Thanks for responding

!

tryingtodobetter · Mar 19, 2017

Aeneas321 said:
lol, i was just thinking about this 3 minutes before i saw this thread!

yeai, i've learned life is waaaay better if you don't explain yourself. i mean, if it's my SO i'll try to explain myself a bit because i want them to understand, but everyone else - it's just too much work and i don't have the time

I need to relearn this. I had it once but i grew paranoid,anxious, worried - whatever word .. that people would view me as a bitch. Just gotta accept being a bitch sometimes huh?? Its definitely laborious explaining yourself to individuals who you cant even have a bond with afterwards.

Thanks for responding!

SgtPepper · Mar 19, 2017

tryingtodobetter said:
I need to relearn this. I had it once but i grew paranoid,anxious, worried - whatever word .. that people would view me as a bitch.

Same here. Partly, it's about realizing that not everyone will quite understand our actions even if u thoroughly explain yourself because they lack the experience or mentality to relate to your situation.

tryingtodobetter said:
Just gotta accept being a bitch sometimes huh??

it's not so much that. people need to try to give others the benefit of the doubt when it comes to understanding their actions. there needs to be some effort on their side as well to try to be accepting and flexible. i don't expect to understand everyone else's perspective on things, but i also understand that mine isn't perfect and other people have their own views as well that can be just as valid as mine.

tryingtodobetter said:
Its definitely laborious explaining yourself to individuals who you cant even have a bond with afterwards.

yeah, the best you can do is remain positive, but be flexible too. not everyone will see it your way and vice-versa. just try to respect everyone's views as much as possible and give people their space and hope they can do the same for you. that is the best way to avoid conflict.

Ryanhind · Mar 19, 2017

at least you are not an ISFP who feels everything you do but cannot say a word to describe it.

leictreon · Mar 19, 2017

I honestly stopped caring

Sily · Mar 19, 2017

I think my family has given up on me. Any control they thought they might have on my life/personality probably disappeared when I moved out at 17. Thankfully I don't have lots of toxic or controlling people in my family. Trying to steer other people down the road, is, I believe rooted in control issues. Or maybe they think that is what a parent is supposed to do, but at a certain age, I would guess that would ease up.

On here, on PerCafe 99.5% of my posts are "explaining myself", so I guess, when writing on the world-wide stage, I get lots of pleasure in that.

Jeffrei · Mar 19, 2017

tryingtodobetter said:
HI! Wasn't expecting this magnitude of responses.. thank you!

Im very interested in hearing your exact thoughts. Everyone can be jerky at times.. I use to say something similar to that.

"Why do you do this"
"Because im *says name*" Alot of people received that as me insinuating i'm better than them (in retrospect its the people who have a fragile self-esteem because they compare themselves..females..we have got to stop doing this to each other - i wish i wish) but honestly sounds like something i should adopt again. Even when i try to explain myself someones always going to think im lying. Better of using your useful defense mechanism.

Thanks for your response, looking forward to your jerkiness :wink:

I don't like sounding like a jerk, or being one, but I guess I can this once. However, it is me pretty much just jerkifying what I said in my last post so... I guess we will see what's what.

Like I said, you don't owe anyone an explanation for who you are. If they can't accept who you are then quite frankly they really shouldn't have a place in your life. There are over 7 billion other people in the world, and a number of them would gladly take you as you are. So why waste time with someone who wouldn't? Of course that is way easier said than done, and essentially cutting people out of your life is hard, but being around a bunch of likeminded people or people who just accept you as you are is totally worth it.

There are people you can't cut out of your life though. So here are some answers to their stupidity... I mean questions . Did I say that out loud? (Questioning why a unique person is unique can be stupid)

1. Don't say anything. Legitimately just look at them till it is awkward and they run away.
I have learned that awkwardness can be a tool to use for comedy, or for just making people you don't like uncomfortable around you so they will leave. If this is the response they get every time (depending on who they are) they will more than likely stop asking.

2. "Because I'm a unique individual."
There is nothing like an unsatisfying answer to an unsatisfying question. Use this one often enough and they will leave you be.

2 1/2. "Because we are unique individuals. We act differently and that's ok."
This is the one you use if you are afraid of upsetting someone with number 2. It is a bit longer, but after saying it a few times there should be no problem with shortening it to number 2.

3. "Why do you do ___?"
Answering a question with a question is generally frowned upon, but some questions just have it coming. A quick warning though, this is probably going to be taken as disrespectful or rude. However, it is a way to get the point across.

Schizoid · Mar 19, 2017

I live by this motto in my life, "Never explain yourself to anyone. The person who likes you doesn't need it, and the person who dislikes you won't believe it."

Laeona · Mar 22, 2017

Ryanhind said:
at least you are not an ISFP who feels everything you do but cannot say a word to describe it.

Perfect bookends! You can't find the words to express it, we can't seem to find the ones anyone else will understand. Same outcome! *hugs* Welcome to the club

Defiant Spirit · Mar 22, 2017

It's just hard to explain yourself to people. It's still hard for me trying to EXPECT people to understand and it's hard for me to just give up, I want to live in this dreamlike paradise in my head and I keep causing friction with people because I can't express myself. It's tough. It really is, but I like to think everybody here will find somebody special that understands.

tryingtodobetter · Mar 24, 2017

Defiant Spirit said:
It's just hard to explain yourself to people. It's still hard for me trying to EXPECT people to understand and it's hard for me to just give up, I want to live in this dreamlike paradise in my head and I keep causing friction with people because I can't express myself. It's tough. It really is, but I like to think everybody here will find somebody special that understands.

Aha hopefully. I feel like this guy off of hey arnold

Phil · Mar 25, 2017

tryingtodobetter said:
Aha hopefully. I feel like this guy off of hey arnold View attachment 657578

Why is that picture so familiar? Is that...is that Hey Arnold?!

Turlowe · Mar 25, 2017

I felt this way frequently when I was younger, as I've gotten older though I become less and less likely to bother explaining myself to anyone. I'm not sure if it's confidence or just apathy, but I really no longer feel as if I have to justify my behavior or feelings to anyone.

I had one family member a few months ago complain that I didn't call or write, I considered this for a moment then turned to them and said," phones and mail work both ways, if you feel it's that important we communicate then use one and contact me, if you can't be bothered it's not that important." This pretty much sums up my feelings on that, aspect of it. As for justifying my feelings, I can't think of much that's more ridiculous to ask of a person, I don't ask it, and I have zero interest in doing so for others.

toysoldier · Mar 26, 2017

I too suffer from more or less perpetual doubt and have always valued the input of others, especially when I deem them somehow more intelligent or skillful than me (which is another thing i have to address). I've done this many times now going back to even picking out a major, and to almost always regretful consequences for me because I was led down the wrong path for someone who doesn't want what the local majority wants out of life.

A decade or so wiser, I've come to the realisation that I do know when something is suitable or not for me, and that I can trust my own decisions best so in order not to have to explain things to people who probably don't have your interests at heart (harsh but true), who just want you to mirror them so as to assure them they are not lost, and in order to have peace, which I need very much to operate even on the simplest self-maintenance tasks (e.g. exercise), I am best off distancing myself from people who need me to explain myself again and again.

I've given up on my parents for example. Better that I live my life the way I choose away from their judgment/lack of wisdom and cluelessness on being and existence. And yes, they are the kind of people who would call me weird for wanting to be by myself growing up or not socialise indiscriminately, try to nudge me to be some way more 'appropriate'/'socially recognisable' to them, amongst other things, so I hear you.

Bonus tip: I don't necessarily agree with everything in Brown's work or Oprah's for that matter

, but these have some merit when applied to whether you should be explaining yourself to someone.

Tired of explaining myself

tryingtodobetter

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SgtPepper

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Jeffrei

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Defiant Spirit

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