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How do INTP's handle/approach romantic relationships?

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treschanna

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Discussion starter · #1 ·
Hey guys, in the limited amount of time I have spent reading this forum I've discovered that there are some threads inquiring about the manner in which INTP's engage in relationships. However, whilst reading some of the threads I couldn't help but wonder how INTP's who aren't in relationships view romantic relationships, as well as how INTP's who are in relationships engage in relationships. I'm curious because I'd always been somewhat baffled by the concept of romantic relationships and then,when I had become involved in one somehow I just didn't know how other people did it. I always needed space and it felt like i had someone breathing down my neck, plus I'm not really "in touch with my feelings" it all seems like a bag of feelz to me. I just couldn't believe that some people would aspire to be in a relationship.

I just wanted to know how most INTP's deal with being in a relationship. I also wanted to know how single INTP's view the concept of romantic relationships.
 
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#2 ·
If you're asking for relationship help on the internet, you should reconsider your approach.
however if you are just curious, for me I am not in a relationship and haven't really been in one. I've had a couple of crushes as a child but not recently. There are people I find attractive however I haven't really ever felt a connection. I don't plan on getting into a relationship just due to looks or anything like that; I want someone that I can truly relate to, hence the word 'relationship', but I'm not in a particular rush.
 
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Discussion starter · #3 ·
StateOfDaniel said:
If you're asking for relationship help on the internet, you should reconsider your approach.
however if you are just curious, for me I am not in a relationship and haven't really been in one. I've had a couple of crushes as a child but not recently. There are people I find attractive however I haven't really ever felt a connection. I don't plan on getting into a relationship just due to looks or anything like that; I want someone that I can truly relate to, hence the word 'relationship', but I'm not in a particular rush.
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No, I'm actually not. My main objective of posting this was just to find out how other intp's viewed the idea of relationships as well as how they handle them. I'll acknowledge that the way I started the thread was rather odd, but I know that being naturally detached,needing space and not placing a strong emphasis on emotions are some key characteristics of INTP's and I was just wondering if anyone had experienced these things in the context of a relationship and how it impacted their view of the relationship(or if it did). I'll also admit that part of the reason I was posting it is because I wanted to find out if I was the only one a little "baffled" by relationships..I don't mean it in a negative way I just mean that in American culture the way they're portrayed is a bit odd to me based on what I had experienced.
 
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#4 ·
@treschanna

A lot of INTPs, especially the younger ones (from what I have observed) do not understand how to work with their emotions too well. I would suggest there are some additional keys though to trying to figure out and relate to other INTPs: most notably, Enneagram and instinctual stackings.

I am an INTP, Enneagram type 5w6, with a sx/sp instinctual stacking. Here are some interesting things that I have noted in my life:

- I have not been "single" for more than a month at a time in over a decade.

--- I may be codependent (I hope not, I'm experimenting with this idea now, as I am now single).

- I immediately develop "potentiality constructs" whenever I connect with someone. This has occurred with males or females (and I am a heterosexual male), and has historically happened when I "truly click" with them.

--- These "potentiality constructs" are my mind subconsciously (and sometimes consciously via daydreaming) building vast "what if's" and "possible scenarios" with these people. Socionics description of my Ego block as an INTp (not the same as MBTI INTP) states this:

This mental focus can be manifest by reflecting on scenarios, on pondering bodies of information, and assorted concepts of interest. They may be prone to excessive day dreaming, in creation of intricate inner worlds or universes, or in mentally replaying elements of their own personal experience.
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- I value "true connection" with a women very highly, and feel that I am lacking in life without this. (And I've never had one, yet.)

So you have me, an INTP through and through (according to MBTI and even Socionics), but one which wants to be in a relationship. Naturally growth and experience has altered a lot of what I see in the world and what I see in myself, but if I were to write out "what I want in life" it would be simple:

1) To truly know myself
2) To have a true connection to a mate to share (at least part of) my life with

If I achieve both of these, I feel that I could be the happiest homeless person alive if necessary.

You asked another question, though: "how do we engage in relationships?" Honestly I have not done so effectively in the past. I went onto dating websites, and the first people who really began talking to me I went for. My ex wife was a different story, but not one of any greater or more mature reasoning.

While I've turned a new page in my life since then, I don't really regret any of my past relationships as I've learned so much from each.

Hope this helped somehow! :tongue:
 
#5 ·
Never been in a relationship.

They seem overrated. People seem to cling on to them on the basis that they are relationships, even when it should be clear to both of them that they hate each other.

I'm sure good ones are fine, but people always want to believe that their relationship is a good one.
 
#8 ·
Not a clue, I have serious problems with all this things that consider other people. When I try to communicate with someone using online dating I usually have regrets after I send them a message and I ask what do I expect of all of this.

Struggle between reason and animal instincts
(INTP 5w6, 9w1, 2w1) vs, sx/sp/so)
 
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#9 ·
DemonD said:
Never been in a relationship.

They seem overrated. People seem to cling on to them on the basis that they are relationships, even when it should be clear to both of them that they hate each other.

I'm sure good ones are fine, but people always want to believe that their relationship is a good one.
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Exactly... Back in high school I've seen so many people who can't live one month without a new, meaningless relationship, it's like being in one is the ultimate state of normality and acceptance and they can't live without feeling safe about that, even if it holds no real value and usually ends quick and bad.

I was so used to that environment that I thought I was somehow broken for not even trying at this game, but I've thought it through since and come to the conclusion that I'll be happier alone until I really feel the need to share my life, be it tomorrow or 20 years from now. I have friends to talk and go out with, I have no sexual attraction towards anyone. Not much is left to miss.
 
#11 ·
I've had people who I've told about my ideas of love (pretty much my sister and mum) say I have a romantic view, but am also very serious about it. I don't want to waste my time with something meaningless. There's so much I could be doing, I'd never give up precious minutes to anyone unless I loved them. It's like my friend asked me what I would do if I fell in love with an alien plant person and I said 'I'd love them' because it's quite simple in my mind. If I love them, I want to be with them. If I can't be with them in a romantic relationship, I'll settle for just being able to be around them.

I also view relationships as slightly scary things. I've never really had one before, but I'd be worried if I did get into one, I'd end up doing something to cause it to fail - like holding back too much, being too inaccessible etc. I'm not very available with my feelings, at least not very often. I'm more likely to laugh something off in front of people because I don't want them to see I'm hurt. It would probably get annoying for any partner of mine in the long run.
 
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#12 ·
New Quest Objectives:

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#13 ·
How do I handle them? I don't.

I approach it this way: I do my own thing, and along the way I periodically meet someone who is interested enough to make it obvious (and for me, it needs to be painfully obvious before I can see it). My relationships have tended to be more friends with benefits. Two people with separate lives/hobbies/etc who spend some time together a couple times a week.

I don't want kids, don't believe in marriage and can't handle living with someone else (I've tried). So for me there's no long-term, I just enjoy it while it lasts. After fifteen years of dating, about 10 of which I've been single, I've found that I enjoy being in a relationship, but don't really need one. I don't seem to feel any less satisfied with my life when I'm single.
 
#14 ·
For whatever reason, romantic relationships aren't really that big of a problem to me. Viewed as some sort of ladies man by my peers, friends, family. Like @Revenant, Im like NEVER single. Yes i get bamboozled with emotions and trying to figure out if it's worth it or not, but I usually go along with it either way. While in a relationship, 1/2 of me is constantly debating that she isn't into me or some shit. Probably jumping to some type of conclusion that makes so much sense in my head I get sad cuz it makes too much sense; at this point i may get a little detached for a reason thats unapparent. The other half is saying fuck it life is gonna move on either way so i may as well go along for the ride.. I am into her after all right?

It seems like everything that scares most INTP about relationships is welcomed in my world. All the confused feelings and the uncertainty. ITs refreshing at times. Gives me ALOT more to think about. Now having all of these feelings for a "friend" or something of the sort is horribly frightening and I usually never know how to convey the message properly. I'm not as good when the other person isn't wearing their heart on their sleeve.
 
#15 ·
I like having sex and I having one person that I can confide in. I keep a fairly small social circle, so being in a relationship is comfortable to me so long as that relationship is healthy.

There are exceptions. I cant deal with people whose emotional health is dependent on me. I'm just not suited to deal with a whole lot of emotions, it makes me feel like the whole relationship is unstable.

Typically I am very outgoing and emotional at the beginning of a relationship and after about 3 months, I get back to being me, and the other person wonders what the hell happened. Problems start, I emotionally distance myself, and the whole thing falls apart. This has been the basic formula with the majority of relationships I've had with feelers and extroverts.

I like introverts and intuitives because they can give you space but you can have good conversations with them. I like judgers because they help give me purpose and help with decision making, but only if I trust the persons decisions.
 
#18 ·
@laurie17 I agree with you. I have never understood relationships that aren't going to be serious, I have better things to do and maybe better people (for me) to meet.

I am a married INTP female and I didn't approach men for a long time. When I met my now husband, the draw to him was very intense so we both left our comfort zones and made new ones together. He emailed me first even though we shared a class at the time, then we went to a concert.

He is an INTJ and we are very happy. We giggle a lot and share our weird thoughts all the time. We manage our relationship by being honest with ourselves and each other. We respect each others space, time, and need for quiet. We vocalize our love and devotion and ask for what for what we need so that no one is left guessing. Now that took about 4 years and a lot of fighting to achieve, but as we've matured and as our love deepened, we have a pretty easy rhythm with each other now.

oh, and we trust each other implicitly. I would do anything he asked, without question as long as he explained himself later.

For those you feeling a pull towards a relationship, be open to it. if you find someone you are comfortable with and excited by, step out of your bubble because it could be amazing. It could suck too, but you won't know until you test your hypothesis.

My life is immeasurably better with a partner by my side to kick my ass intellectually, love me, support me, and to guide me. My success is his success and vice/versa. For us, anything is possible together. We are at our best, together.

i hope this helps the INTPs with romantic aspirations.
 
#19 ·
I view it as too much work for not a lot of gain, kinda like trying to make your own pizza from scratch at home. If its intimacy you desire, there are plenty of therapists out there that you can confide in that won't fuck you over when shit goes bad (can't say the same for someone that knows you all too well, you are just hoping everything goes OK and they won't flip the switch on you when things get tough). There goes the whole myth about trust in a relationship. Honestly I trust someone who has a legally binding contract of doctor patient confidentially more than someone who's eventually going to use all that information you confided against you when things gets emotional.


And if its sex you want, well there are professionals you can seek out for that too...

My point is that there are better systems out there for getting the aspects you want in a relationship individually. It is much easier than trying to balancing everything together in a monogamous relationship. Not to say I am against monogamy though, I am very envious of couples that are in a balanced and harmonious relationship and I give them major credit for the effort and comprise they put forth to make it work. But having said that, most people can't do it, just like most people can't qualify for the NBA. Where did this myth come from that being in a relationship will make your life happier? Relationships are for individuals who are well rounded, self-sufficient, emotionally intelligent, and have something to give. But it seems to me all the players in the game have boarder line personality disorders, codependent, emotionally undeveloped, and really selfish. The whole thing is a paradox to me really. Kinda like how people that are educated can still be stupid, and people that are employeed and hold steady jobs still have no money. I'm going off on a tangent now. I stop here.
 
#20 ·
theorycraft said:
I view it as too much work for not a lot of gain, kinda like trying to make your own pizza from scratch at home. If its intimacy you desire, there are plenty of therapists out there that you can confide in that won't fuck you over when shit goes bad (can't say the same for someone that knows you all too well, you are just hoping everything goes OK and they won't flip the switch on you when things get tough). There goes the whole myth about trust in a relationship. Honestly I trust someone who has a legally binding contract of doctor patient confidentially more than someone who's eventually going to use all that information you confided against you when things gets emotional.


And if its sex you want, well there are professionals you can seek out for that too...

My point is that there are better systems out there for getting the aspects you want in a relationship individually. It is much easier than trying to balancing everything together in a monogamous relationship. Not to say I am against monogamy though, I am very envious of couples that are in a balanced and harmonious relationship and I give them major credit for the effort and comprise they put forth to make it work. But having said that, most people can't do it, just like most people can't qualify for the NBA. Where did this myth come from that being in a relationship will make your life happier? Relationships are for individuals who are well rounded, self-sufficient, emotionally intelligent, and have something to give. But it seems to me all the players in the game have boarder line personality disorders, codependent, emotionally undeveloped, and really selfish. The whole thing is a paradox to me really. Kinda like how people that are educated can still be stupid, and people that are employeed and hold steady jobs still have no money. I'm going off on a tangent now. I stop here.
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I think I would disagree with you on the preference for therapists. I could understand if you said close friends instead, but the relationship you have with a therapist is too clinical to provide enough... connection? I've been to counselling before and it just felt awkward, sitting there talking about stuff they obviously didn't care about and were getting paid to listen to. Friends generally do care, and that makes a big difference. It's more genuine and more equal - you can ask them what they would do in your situation, if they've had problems like that before. They can offer you their own advice that may not be as 'textbook' as a therapist's but may help you more. I guess I just don't like the idea of someone listening to me for money.

With a relationship, my personal view is that you shouldn't look for one, but if you happen to stumble across a person you love being around, then you may as well get together and be happy. Why not? Even if you don't want a relationship, you can be close friends. It gives some kind of connection (for me at least) to a good side of reality, rather than all the hardship life usually deals out.
 
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