the INFJ and grief

twentysevenseconds · Sep 28, 2013

Hello, all.

I want to know how my fellow INFJ's handle grief.

In the wake of some very terrible things, I am learning some things about my own grieving process. Most notably, I am so "touchy" when it comes to tragedy. When I learn of something that has happened to someone else, maybe on the news or maybe to somebody I know distantly, the sadness and empathy I feel for them is overwhelming. Of course it's selfish on one level - I am coming to grips with my own mortality through the experiences of others and that's where a lot of the sadness/hopelessness comes from.

But I will break into great, heaving sobs over what will happen to a family that has been torn apart, over how terrible I feel for them and how unfair life is. Something like this will not leave my mind for a long, long time, and it just makes me feel horrible and affects nearly every area of my life. It's like when I see or read about heartbreak, I take it on as my own in some capacity.

I know that everybody has a hard time dealing with tragedy, and nobody likes to hear that bad things have happened. But I think I have an exaggerated reaction, and I'm wondering if other INFJ's are similar. If so, do you have methods of coping? I am beginning to appreciate my open heart, but it is exhausting taking on all the pain I come across.

petite libellule · Sep 28, 2013

Coming to terms with the cold realities , cruel necessities and lack of integrity can be disheartening.
But for every tragedy, there's incredibly insight to be had. Problems are challenge and challenges are opportunities ...

GoodOldDreamer · Sep 28, 2013

Hmm. I go numb, process it internally, accept it for what it is, and try to adapt and go on living again.

Although, for the most part, a person has to be pretty close to me in the first place to really affect me in that way should they pass on, and that list is fairly short, so it doesn't happen often. It helps me more if I have warning ahead of time (illness or old age being good examples).

But yeah, I'm a 9. I don't really 'emote' out of control so much. I cry at times, sure, but I'm still pretty put-together, all things considered. It's more like I'm 'on the verge of tears' at times more than going over the edge.

And it usually takes someone especially close to me to bring out those tears, I've come to learn. And there's only 1 on that list.

...

Is that even a list then? :tongue:

indieandsoul · Sep 29, 2013

I guess I'm still going through the grieving process after losing my grandmother in death this past January. I was very heartbroken over the event, I at first began asking why did such a beautiful soul like hers had to go the way she did. The next questions would be what am I going to do, etc...I didn't really have time to properly cry as I wanted to because I had to deal with big changes, moving, getting her stuff out of the house, dealing with extreme family issues. Months later, I cry periodically, but more than anything, I have an empty feeling. On top of the other problems I have in my life, I lost someone that's been by my side ever since I was a baby. She would be the person I'd turn to for advice and help I so desperately need today.

I get the impression that those I talk to feel that I should be over my loss by now. 'Life Goes On'. 'Your grandmother wouldn't want you to be this way'. While those statements are true, it doesn't make me feel better. It just makes me break into tears.

It only took me until this summer for me to accept the fact that she is gone and since winter is coming, I'm a bit afraid of how my emotions will be since she died in the winter.

But to really answer the topic: I'd say I'm taking it in stride.

sccountrygirl70 · Sep 29, 2013

In the beginning, I grieve hard. It consumes me and I introvert for days processing and digesting my feelings. Then I begin to move out of it. The process is slow and I slide back into my need to introvert every few days but I know what's going on and try not to let it last more than a day or so.
It's been almost two years since I lost my husband and there are days I miss him terribly. It doesn't happen but every couple of months now, but I still grieve him. When that happens, I remember good things and look at pictures from when we were happy. At one time, seeing his smile again only made me more sad. Not so much anymore.
So I guess for me, grieving is a long, arduous process but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't always been that way but have managed to learn to cope in this manner since his death. It was not easy.

Good luck to you.

toma · Sep 29, 2013

indieandsoul said:
I guess I'm still going through the grieving process after losing my grandmother in death this past January. I was very heartbroken over the event, I at first began asking why did such a beautiful soul like hers had to go the way she did. The next questions would be what am I going to do, etc...I didn't really have time to properly cry as I wanted to because I had to deal with big changes, moving, getting her stuff out of the house, dealing with extreme family issues. Months later, I cry periodically, but more than anything, I have an empty feeling. On top of the other problems I have in my life, I lost someone that's been by my side ever since I was a baby. She would be the person I'd turn to for advice and help I so desperately need today.

I get the impression that those I talk to feel that I should be over my loss by now. 'Life Goes On'. 'Your grandmother wouldn't want you to be this way'. While those statements are true, it doesn't make me feel better. It just makes me break into tears.

It only took me until this summer for me to accept the fact that she is gone and since winter is coming, I'm a bit afraid of how my emotions will be since she died in the winter.

But to really answer the topic: I'd say I'm taking it in stride.

Please accept my condolences for your loss. Deal with your grief how you see fit for you, it is your heart and spirit. Take it easy and like you say "in stride" Thanks for sharing.

toma · Sep 29, 2013

Human suffering is not something I take lightly in any shape or form. When I see someone hurting it is like my brother hurting, or sister hurting, even myself hurting. Maybe what I am saying also is, I become the hurt person by putting myself in their shoes. Tears come easy for me when watching humans hurt themselves in all the ways possible. One can find the true meaning of life through suffering and it is just another way of looking at it. While alive a person always has hope. I do not want to grieve, my heart and spirit have a language of their own, I never disagree with these two things. If I understand the pain through my own experience I tend to grieve more, especially if I know the solution to getting rid of it. If death is involved then it is a matter of respecting each individuals way of dealing with their grief. Tears are the language of the soul and no one should be ashamed to cry and become more kind spirited. Tears are truly healing.

SunflowerSpright · Sep 29, 2013

GoodOldDreamer said:
Hmm. I go numb, process it internally, accept it for what it is, and try to adapt and go on living again.

This, yes. Numb. I recently tried to describe this to someone else and this is what came out..."You still know the pain is there. It’s just…you can’t move it or deal with it. It’s like your brain is fighting kicking and screaming against reality, and yet reality is pressing in, so the numb is the wedge that keeps those two places from joining and well, allowing reality to now include this terrible, terrible loss and pain."

The loss of my husband just over four years ago was the first real grief I have ever experienced. Elder family members had died, distant family had died, but never someone so totally at the center of my life. I literally had to lock it up, and open that compartment ever so slightly, at really odd times, to work through it. Otherwise it would have engulfed me to the point of inability to function, at all. I'd not say that I was 'through' grieving, because I believe grief is something that one integrates into their totality of being, and that it is ever with you.

Just as I will always be a mother and a daughter, so too always will I be a widow. It is one of the pieces that make up the integrated being that I am. That will not preclude me loving, or even partnering with someone else in the future. They simply will have to accept that piece along with the rest of the pieces that make up the mosaic that is, well, me.

HTH,

_zac_ · Sep 29, 2013

I hardly ever show my grief--to the point that I actually even have to ask myself if I'm experiencing it, or if I'm simply going through the motions that are expected of me. It took several years, for example, before I actually cried over the death of a very close friend. It may be the fact that, in times of crisis, my immediate family tends to lose their minds, and I have to run around taking care of everything they neglect. In fact, I take some sense of pride in the fact that I'm able to remain so composed in such situations. Of course, it could also be that I've simply built up a sort of barrier to keep from expressing those sort of emotions. When I was young, I had a hard time with becoming emotional. Anything from sadness to intense anger would bring me to tears (yes, I would actually become so angry that I would cry), and that caused me a bit of grief from some of the other kids. Eventually, I learned to bottle it up for later, and, perhaps, that's just become the norm. Who knows... I'm sure that one of these days I'll get to pay someone way too much money to try and help me sort through it all.

SunflowerSpright · Sep 29, 2013

@_zac_ My response to this day to intense anger is crying. And I suspect I'm a tad bit longer in the tooth than you are.

And I too, am the holder-together-of-all things for the family. It's a bit tiresome though eh?

ENTrePreneur · Sep 29, 2013

Don't cry!! WE LOVE YOU!!!

_zac_ · Sep 29, 2013

SunflowerSpright said:
@_zac_ My response to this day to intense anger is crying. And I suspect I'm a tad bit longer in the tooth than you are.

And I too, am the holder-together-of-all things for the family. It's a bit tiresome though eh?

It really is! I suppose that I'm fortunate in that my family isn't so bad that they can't function, it's more that I end up having to go around tightening up all the bolts. They're the type of people who will, upon receiving some distressing news, like a loved one being involved in a minor car accident, will immediately run out the door and head to the scene or hospital. I, who am often inadvertently left behind, get to go through the house, making sure that things like the stove are turned off, and making sure that the door gets locked. In more mundane, day-to-day sort of situations, this often just manifests as me attending to basic home maintenance tasks, such as attending to a creaky door or mending a broken cabinet handle, that the rest of my family just doesn't notice.

OldManRivers · Sep 29, 2013

My grief process changed with an internship in hospice. I had some training in grief therapy. I loved the hospice work, and all my clients were living. In the follow-up visits (social work) I saw the benefits of preparation through the hospice program.
Deaths in my extended family wer something out of a bad movie. Little children we forced to look at the deceased -at 4 and five it is . . . .cold chills even now. It was expected to be an outpouring of emotion. Fine for adults - not so great for children.

Then my brother died at age 55. I was 60. I did not know he was dying. My parents were dead. I do not know nor care how to get back to the cemetary. The only feeling I had for them was anger at the ones praising them -
Then the brother. And the only family of origin I had real connection with was gone. Not only that, his granddaughter clung to me because we looked so much alike, and the younger grandson cried constantly ,"I want my PawPaw."

It still hurts, still regret, still . . . I miss him. 15 years.
I will not have a funeral service. my carcas will be hauled away to cremation and the ashes carried to the citylandfill - al, not just most. If anyone wants, I have a goodbye prepared for a memorial service. i will not have to attend, so why not?

arosebyanyothername · Sep 30, 2013

My dad had cancer and took 4 years to die, even though we all knew it would happen eventually, it was still devastating. I had days when everything was fine, did the normal day to day stuff, helped mum bath him, made his favourite sardine and onion sandwiches if he was able to eat that day,wheeled him outside in the sun, but in the back of my mind I always knew what would happen.So grief peppered my days and nights for a long time. I learned just how important family is, and I sort of took on a caretaker role,it made the process easier to know that even if I couldn't change what was happening to dad, that I could stand up and be there for everybody else. Don't get me wrong, I cried, I cried a lot, but mostly I did it quietly in the privacy of my room, I sort of felt like I didn't want to burden anybody I mean how could I be blubbering when mum was watching the man she loved slowly waste away? anyway, grief for me was one of the biggest events of my life, it has shaped the kind of person I am, I learned to live with it and manage its effects by basically channeling it into helping my family,but some people don't have that luxuary, sometimes grief is thrust upon them and not always in the form of death, it could be anything, losing a friend, a job, a dream... one thing I learned was, we'll all experience grief at some point or another its a necessary part of living, but I always think of a quote that says something like- how can we appreciate the good, without experiencing the bad?something like that anyway...and the ol nugget- time heals all wounds, its true for me anyway:happy:

the INFJ and grief

twentysevenseconds

petite libellule

GoodOldDreamer

indieandsoul

sccountrygirl70

toma

toma

SunflowerSpright

_zac_

SunflowerSpright

ENTrePreneur

_zac_

OldManRivers

arosebyanyothername

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