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ISFJ married to an ENTJ!!!! Gaaaaaahh!!

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rw80

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Discussion starter · #1 ·
My husband is an ENTJ and we do have a lot of the same interests and have the same sense of humor... but when it comes to thinking and feeling, of course we are COMPLETELY different.. not everything I think and/or feel HAS to sound rational to him.. if it makes sense to me, that's all that matters.. I also have a difficult time expressing myself verbally to him and it frustrates me so much! It'd be much better if I could write what I'm thinking, then speak it..

Female ISFJs, do you think you could have a fulfilling relationship with an ENTJ?!
 
#2 ·
rw80 said:
I also have a difficult time expressing myself verbally to him and it frustrates me so much! It'd be much better if I could write what I'm thinking, then speak it..
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I'm really curious. If you know it would be better if you could write something down... why would not JUST WRITE IT DOWN!
My wife and I do this all the time. I'm not sure if we do it on purpose, but it's more that we both work, and so the day after an argument or if something is on one of our minds, we simply email.
Don't get me wrong, we still talk about stuff verbally, but I really don't see anything wrong with writing things down.

And if you think you could better express yourself to him via email.... then express yourself via email :)
 
Discussion starter · #3 ·
We communicate throughout the day via text... So when we have an argument the day b4, it's nice to be able to get my thoughts expressed in the right way! Not verbally!! Ha

When we are in the heat of an argument, it would just be nice to be able to speak like I can write... It really frustrates me
 
#4 ·
rw80 said:
We communicate throughout the day via text... So when we have an argument the day b4, it's nice to be able to get my thoughts expressed in the right way! Not verbally!! Ha

When we are in the heat of an argument, it would just be nice to be able to speak like I can write... It really frustrates me
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Ah, I prefer writing things out as well. Not sure if it's because am an introvert or that I grew up with a stutter, so I naturally turned to writing.

I know what you mean though. Sometimes in the heat of the moment, things just come out and they are not heard the way you want. I think this really depends on the dynamic of the people.

I'd prefer to never get into a heated exchange and if something is going to be that heated, I'd prefer to just ease of and write a coherent email later. My wife doesn't like that and prefers to talk it out right away. In some ways it has been good for me. But I still think we do our best talking of big issues in writing.

But I guess you need both.

In the end though, I think practice is key.
It's probably not totally related, but like I had to make a lot of things part of my 'routine' over years of practice so I don't stutter anymore when I speak. A lot of it is probably applicable to people who might find it hard to argue on their feet.

Learn to slow down, don't feel like you have to respond right away. Take a moment or two to think about what you're going to say. Learn how to breathe properly... all that good stuff. I know it might seem trivial, but you really have to work on it to make it part of your routine and second nature.

I think you could definitely express yourself better verbally; the same as you do written, if you practiced and were willing to take a pause to organize your thoughts before speaking.

I personally think it has helped me a lot; not just with the stutter, but with communication in general. Unless it is a really heated argument (in which case anything goes), I'm generally taking a pause to think about what I'm going to say anyways to avoid a stutter. In that time now, I try and make sure I phrase things as best as possible.

One of the early ones was my wife getting upset if I didn't use 'i think' or 'i feel' when stating my opinion. I'm pretty sure I do it almost all the time now. I think a big reason why I can do that is because it has been ingrained in me to pause before speaking.
 
#6 ·
rw80 said:
I seriously wish that I could take a pause and think about what I'm gonna say... But my husband is super impatient and wants my replies to be instant!!!
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:)
He's not in charge of your vocal cords. You take as much time as you need.

All I can say is providing my experience... imagine one of the scariest moments of your life being stuck in a fast food restaurant. You know you have to place your order quickly. Lots of people are waiting inline. All eyes are on you. You don't want to keep anyone waiting or embarrass yourself.

I could either:

1. try and speak quickly - and risk a really bad stutter
2. Do my breathing, exercise my suttering techniques, and then speak - and not stutter.

I found pretty quickly that 2 is much better. Sure it might be a bit odd, but with time, it's barely noticeable now. But it is sure better to communicate that way.

You don't have to respond to your husband that quickly. If he is cooperative, maybe talk to him about that, so he provides the space needed when you want to think before you speak. Or, if he is not cooperative, you do what you need to do anyways. Ignore him if he starts demanding answers right away.
 
Discussion starter · #7 ·
Okay, good advice :) bc if I speak too quickly, I'll say things that don't make sense or that I'll regret later on..

And also, if I do what I want anyway, he'll find someway to throw it on my face... Saying that I always get what I want which is entirely false

It's great that you've conquered your stutter btw :)
 
#8 ·
Well I personally believe it's possible to have a fulfilling relationship with an ENTJ :) I'm actually dating one right now, and I was so surprised to find out he was ENTJ. I think we get along through our sense of humor, our millions of common interests, and I almost feel like us ISFJ's are like.. inside-out ENTJ's I guess? I agree on so many things with him, but we're so different at the same time, it's strange. And as for you, I think many ISFJ's struggle on speaking verbally, especially with the quick minded ENTJs. I think the key to solving this is learning to speak about what you feel and not being afraid that you'll be shut down for what you think. If your husband is impatient, just try explaining to him that it's hard for you to quickly come up with a response, and that you need time to process and think of something to say. Maybe you could think about it and then regroup with him later and tell him what you've been thinking about? Sorry you've been having troubles!
 
Discussion starter · #9 ·
Inside-out ENTJs...!!! Love that..

Dude, we've been married for 10 years, he def knows that it takes me a while to figure out what I'm going to say... It just frustrates him...!!! You'd think he'd get it by now..... :(
 
#10 ·
rw80 said:
Female ISFJs, do you think you could have a fulfilling relationship with an ENTJ?!
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In socionics this type of match between Si-Fe and Te-Ni types is called relations of conflict. Basically it's relations of most misunderstanding so it will require both of you to work on your communication styles and methods: ISFJ Love Types
 
#11 ·
I kind of feel the same with my ex-girlfriend, honestly. I had to write her very long letters (she never took them seriously) in order to express myself to her. It was easier for me to write, because I never felt as if I could completely say what I wanted to say without being interrupted and dismissed. It always went off track. Clearly we're an ex for a reason.

But, in this case, if writing is your best form of communication and it works for you, I would stick with it. I've learned a long time ago that keeping my feelings in is like a tea kettle on a stove. I'll eventually explode, and it won't look pretty.
 
#12 ·
I am an ISFJ and my hubby is ENTJ. We've been married for almost 10 years. It is possible to have fulfilling relationship with each other but it's not easy. When we don't argue we are a perfect couple, but when we do it's madness, haha.
We are so different that many times I have been wondering how come we are still together. I guess we are completing each other. Many times I feel frustrated at the differences between us but so far I wouldn't change it for anything. Just my few cents.
 
Discussion starter · #14 ·
bb678 said:
I am an ISFJ and my hubby is ENTJ. We've been married for almost 10 years. It is possible to have fulfilling relationship with each other but it's not easy. When we don't argue we are a perfect couple, but when we do it's madness, haha.
We are so different that many times I have been wondering how come we are still together. I guess we are completing each other. Many times I feel frustrated at the differences between us but so far I wouldn't change it for anything. Just my few cents.
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Total madness!!!! For surrrrre
 
#15 ·
scamper_22 said:
I'm really curious. If you know it would be better if you could write something down... why would not JUST WRITE IT DOWN!
My wife and I do this all the time. I'm not sure if we do it on purpose, but it's more that we both work, and so the day after an argument or if something is on one of our minds, we simply email.
Don't get me wrong, we still talk about stuff verbally, but I really don't see anything wrong with writing things down.

And if you think you could better express yourself to him via email.... then express yourself via email :)
Click to expand...
How do you find this works? Does she internalize written conflict as much as she would internalize verbal conflict? This could prove helpful with my INFP.
 
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#16 ·
Being around Te-doms makes me feel inferior, stupid, and defensive. I am always drawn to them in fiction, but in real life it's a much different story. I crave feeling safe and protected, and an ENTJ would certainly fit that bill, but I can see potential for all kinds of conflict otherwise.

You don't have to answer this, but maybe think about what your arguments are often about? Can you find middle ground? Remove the source of the conflict? I think it might be better to tackle the source of the problem, then try and force immediate responses out of a mind that is happiest when allowed to process things. :)
 
#17 ·
Te users can be a problem for us because they tends to dismiss how people will feel about what they say. They're caring people too and you just have to know how to communicate and connect with them, but it isn't always easy. I've had my fair share of trouble, conflict, and misunderstandings with them. I have been embarrassed by some I know by how they have talked to people.
 
#18 ·
Some more thoughts ;)

I think I "jump the gun" with Te users a bit. I tend to pull back from them because it's hard to tell how they're feeling. It can be very confusing sometimes. I might think they're angry or upset and so I may pull away from them a little, but when they say they aren't either of these things I'm left feeling confused because if I used the tone or expressions they used it would be because I was angry or upset. I think it is a Te/Fi thing, a kind of wall.

It makes it difficult if a woman I'm with is like that because I'm always picking up on vibes and feelings that don't match what they say. I feel that they are withholding something and that also makes me pull away.

I think if an ISFJ is with an ENTJ or ESTJ, they have to be clear with their communications so these misunderstandings won't happen. We have to recognize that they aren't going to be as openly affectionate and we shouldn't be as sensitive to the way they communicate. They have to learn that they should be a bit more sensitive to the feelings of those around them and how to express that.

As with all relationships, it's all about compromise.
 
#19 ·
in theory a relationship with an ENTJ sounds terrifying. Probably the most terrifying of all type combinations. Id imagine extreme dominant submissive interactions and also constant miscommunication.
 
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#20 ·
Mendi the ISFJ said:
in theory a relationship with an ENTJ sounds terrifying. Probably the most terrifying of all type combinations. Id imagine extreme dominant submissive interactions and also constant miscommunication.
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Ime, it depends on how mature both types are. (Shocker there, yeah?) With some ISFJs, I find they can be very controlling, and so I automatically push back against them. But with other ISFJs, I really value their opinions, and we have some great conversations. ENTJs are very good about letting other people lead/lead with us as long as we're confident you're competent. Once the ISFJ proves they have valuable skills and insights that we could use, we're very good about making sure we don't run your opinions over. I am, anyway. They're still friends with me, so it seems to be working.

But yeah, a less mature ISFJ with a less mature ENTJ would be- uh- hell.
 
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