the virgin INFJ

kalina · May 18, 2010

Recently someone told me I had a lot of self-control for being a virgin for this long, and I guess I would agree, but I think it has to do with personality type. I know this might not be a subject the INFJ would jump to talk about in public but if youre up to it..

If youre a virgin...
have you ever had the opportunity to have sex?
have you ever said no to sex when you really wanted to say yes? Why?
do you think personality type has anything to do with your decision to stay a virgin?
what is sex to you?
do you have any advice?

If youre not a virgin...

do you wish you had waited?
what made you wait as long as you did?
what ultimately made you decide to have sex?
what is sex to you?
do you have any advice?

NinjaSwan · May 18, 2010

have you ever had the opportunity to have sex? yes, although at the time I was quite oblivious.

have you ever said no to sex when you really wanted to say yes? Why? noooo I haven't

do you think personality type has anything to do with your decision to stay a virgin? I really don't know. I've noticed that more INxx types tend to wait a bit longer while others (specially SP) are more open to it, or actively seeking it. This is just from observation of my friends, although I don't believe there is a large disparity between the two.

what is sex to you? a great expression of affection and love for another. That's the simplest way I can put it .

do you have any advice? not really. but for the love of god, don't be a fool, wrap your tool.

BlissfulDreams · May 18, 2010

Interesting idea for a thread. Thanks. I have also been told that I have a lot of self-control, though I think it's not so much my self-control that has made me stay away from sex, but my ideals, values, and fear of being intimate with another person. But I will answer your questions.

Have you ever had the opportunity to have sex?
No. I don't get out much. In all seriousness, I don't spend a lot of time with the opposite sex and being too close and/or vulnerable to them (physically and emotionally) frightens me, so I haven't had the chance.

Have you ever said no to sex when you really wanted to say yes? Why?
Nope.

Do you think personality type has anything to do with your decision to stay a virgin?
Maybe, in the sense that I am very introverted and shy and have a very difficult time trusting other people and expressing affection physically. Though, I don't think this perspective could only apply to other INFJs. I'm sure many other people feel this way.

What is sex to you?
Sex is something very meaningful and spiritual that brings upon a sacred bond in loving partners. It's the most intimate expression of love. It is something that I would never waste on someone who I don't love and don't intend on spending my life with. I want it to be a unique experience with one person, if it ever happens.

Do you have any advice?
Stick to your morals. If you don't feel ready and don't love the other person, don't do it. It's not worth being pressured into it and if you're anything like me, when you don't follow your ideals for yourself and do something you didn't particularly want to do, you'll beat yourself up for it. It's not worth the grief. Sex should be something you enjoy with your partner and not something you feel obligated to participate in.

Elan · May 18, 2010

Do you wish you had waited?
No. When I did it, it was with a nice, lovely girl. I would never take it back.

What made you wait as long as you did?
A combination of not being a social butterfly and wanting to find someone special enough for my first time.

What ultimately made you decide to have sex?
It feels good. I know there's a lot more to it than that, but I was a male in my early 20's.

What is sex to you?
It depends on how I define it at the time. Whether it's "making love" or "fucking," both are two very different things with connotations that make each unique. Of course there are things in between, but, you know. I suppose I don't define it because it really limits the possibilities. If you define it in one particular way, you can shut yourself off from many different wonderful things. I like to keep an open mind.

Do you have any advice?
Wait until you feel like you're ready and you've found the right person. Interestingly enough, often times you'll find that people you sleep with after you've lost your virginity you'll wish just as much that you didn't have sex with them.

thegirlcandance · May 18, 2010

If youre not a virgin...

do you wish you had waited? Sometimes I do, other times not... it happened a bit early in the relationship and it may have caused early complications but at the same time I'm glad it was then because it may have turned out worse later with someone else, but who knows?
what made you wait as long as you did? Basically the fact that I never got to that point... neither with someone dating or not. Just so shy and picky with the guys I wanted to date. Plus, relatively private, protective of self, and just modest that I think would intimidate guys to some extent.
what ultimately made you decide to have sex? I was head over heels with the guy I was dating at the time. The only time I would say that I felt like I was literally on cloud 9... that came to a complete crash though, obviously.
what is sex to you? When you are dating the person and really care about them its a good expression of affection and love. When you are not dating them, well... it is what it is.
do you have any advice? Firstly, wait until you're with someone you really care about and trust (basically the golden rule for everyone). Second, when and if you are thinking of your first time be consciously aware of the drastic emotional attachments that can develop. For me, I think it was the mix that I was on cloud 9 with my first real official serious boyfriend and that that happened. Whether it was one more than the other that caused the emotional trauma afterwards? I can't really say. I was aware of attachments that can develop with first time sex going into it and it still happened, though I don't feel like it was only that. Third, be aware as to how tough it can be to be with someone else after that first if it doesn't work out. I started crying my first time with another person after him... it was brutal. Just the idea of it being a different person was heartbreaking at the time.

And finally -- I've noticed that for NFs (at least the ones I've known in real-life and talked to about this) sex outside the context of a relationship is like drinking a Pina Colada without the alcohol... its got the same flavor and taste to it, but because its missing something you're never fully satisfied.

thegirlcandance · May 18, 2010

Elan said:
Do you have any advice?
Wait until you feel like you're ready and you've found the right person. Interestingly enough, often times you'll find that people you sleep with after you've lost your virginity you'll wish just as much that you didn't have sex with them.

Um yeah -- remember that one too. Glad you brought that up Elan.

NightSkyGirl · May 18, 2010

Have you ever had the opportunity to have sex?

Hmm, not really. I use to run away from anyone that would show interest in me/or that I had interest in them so I never gave anyone the chance to get that far. I was just far too shy.

Have you ever said no to sex when you really wanted to say yes? Why?

No

Do you think personality type has anything to do with your decision to stay a virgin?

Hmm, I don't know about that. I think that's more of a personal choice depending on whether you feel ready or not and what your set of values are.

What is sex to you?

Sex to me is something that I want to experience with someone special, not just anyone. To me, it is something that should be with someone who loves you and vice-versa. I could never have casual sex, it just wouldn't work for me personally. It is the ultimate intimate experience and a way to show someone how much you want them and love them. As long as it is with someone who loves you and you love them back, I say do as you please.

Do you have any advice?

Yes. Stick to what is important to you and don't let others pressure you in to something you're not ready to do. But also, don't be afraid to make mistakes and experience things(like I have been). I'm trying to break out of that and let myself live a little.

Alaya · May 18, 2010

Am I the only one who thinks that sex isn't that special? To me is a physiological need for the body, it serves as a survival mechanism for the species that has evolved as an adaptive process since the dawn of time. But I am a virgin, so maybe I am in no position to say anything:tongue:

vel · May 18, 2010

do you wish you had waited?
No it was a good choice. I don't regret it. I did have opportunities to have sex earlier but those other people did not excite me emotionally or intellectually.

what made you wait as long as you did?
Getting together with the right person. I think I matured emotionally more with waiting longer.

what ultimately made you decide to have sex?
I very much liked and respected the guy, felt like I could trust him, and I do have a sex drive.

what is sex to you?
It is basically like spending time together with other people doing something pleasant alike sharing a meal or listening to good music together. It is just a pleasurable activity for me, but it is not just physical. If there isn't that special bond or trust then I get no pleasure out of it. Even watching a movie or eating food is much better with people whose company you enjoy, whom you respect, than people you don't care for. Same with sex.

do you have any advice?
Yeah, condoms won't save you from herpes because it actually also spreads via skin to skin contact. And even though most people say "who cares it is just some pimples" there is in reality quite a social stigma attached to it. They don't teach you this stuff in school. Also imho if you find yourself waiting too long (like into mid-20s) then you are either being too picky/idealistic or not putting enough effort into finding relationships. And so if you're a virgin by that time, it is not because you haven't found that special someone at that stage, but because you've been passing by a lot of good people.

Seeker of Truth said:
Am I the only one who thinks that sex isn't that special? To me is a physiological need for the body, it serves as a survival mechanism for the species that has evolved as an adaptive process since the dawn of time. But I am a virgin, so maybe I am in no position to say anything:tongue:

Yes but you cannot disregard your physiological needs. Like if you don't eat, what's going to happen to you? Your physical and emotional states will both deteriorate, your intellect will deteriorate too. Studies show that at least for guys supposedly their physical well-being improves when they are in relationship and getting some. You have to take care of your body and its needs too - it is not unimportant

NightSkyGirl · May 18, 2010

Seeker of Truth said:
Am I the only one who thinks that sex isn't that special? To me is a physiological need for the body, it serves as a survival mechanism for the species that has evolved as an adaptive process since the dawn of time. But I am a virgin, so maybe I am in no position to say anything:tongue:

*points and tells*

Hey, how come he didn't answer all the questions, just one. I demand to hear all of it. :tongue:

NightSkyGirl · May 18, 2010

vel said:
Also imho if you find yourself waiting too long (like into mid-20s) then you are either being too picky/idealistic or not putting enough effort into finding relationships. And so if you're a virgin by that time, it is not because you haven't found that special someone at that stage, but because you've been passing by a lot of good people.

D;

10 characters

Macrosapien · May 18, 2010

Gorihay said:
Interesting idea for a thread. Thanks. I have also been told that I have a lot of self-control, though I think it's not so much my self-control that has made me stay away from sex, but my ideals, values, and fear of being intimate with another person. But I will answer your questions.

Have you ever had the opportunity to have sex?
No. I don't get out much. In all seriousness, I don't spend a lot of time with the opposite sex and being too close and/or vulnerable to them (physically and emotionally) frightens me, so I haven't had the chance.

Have you ever said no to sex when you really wanted to say yes? Why?
Nope.

Do you think personality type has anything to do with your decision to stay a virgin?
Maybe, in the sense that I am very introverted and shy and have a very difficult time trusting other people and expressing affection physically. Though, I don't think this perspective could only apply to other INFJs. I'm sure many other people feel this way.

What is sex to you?
Sex is something very meaningful and spiritual that brings upon a sacred bond in loving partners. It's the most intimate expression of love. It is something that I would never waste on someone who I don't love and don't intend on spending my life with. I want it to be a unique experience with one person, if it ever happens.

Do you have any advice?
Stick to your morals. If you don't feel ready and don't love the other person, don't do it. It's not worth being pressured into it and if you're anything like me, when you don't follow your ideals for yourself and do something you didn't particularly want to do, you'll beat yourself up for it. It's not worth the grief. Sex should be something you enjoy with your partner and not something you feel obligated to participate in.

I agree with everything you have said. I feel this same way and it is kinda the same for me too. I was a bit uncomfortable about answering these questions so openly so I didn't, but now I don't have too

Alaya · May 18, 2010

vel said:
Yes but you cannot disregard your physiological needs. Like if you don't eat, what's going to happen to you? Your physical and emotional states will both deteriorate, your intellect will deteriorate too. Studies show that at least for guys supposedly their physical well-being improves when they are in relationship and getting some. You have to take care of your body and its needs too - it is not unimportant

Well, I think masturbation serves as a good substitute for that. It's safer and more practical

NightSkyGirl said:
*points and tells*

Hey, how come he didn't answer all the questions, just one. I demand to hear all of it. :tongue:

Just for you hun :laughing:

have you ever had the opportunity to have sex?
Yes, but nothing ever has gotten past the unzipping part:frustrating:
have you ever said no to sex when you really wanted to say yes? Why?
Yes, I wasn't carrying any condoms with me at the time.
do you think personality type has anything to do with your decision to stay a virgin?
It could be, though I was shocked to read in the "with how many people have you slept with thread", that most INFJ's had sex with at least 5 people. That sure was a downer haha
do you have any advice?
I think you should do it when you're comfortable and that you know it's not going to bring any harm. Sorry Kalina, I'm the last person you want to get advice from in regards to this subject

NightSkyGirl · May 18, 2010

Seeker of Truth said:
Just for you hun :laughing:

Haha, thanks for being a sport about it. :crazy: :happy:

vel · May 18, 2010

Seeker of Truth said:
Well, I think masturbation serves as a good substitute for that. It's safer and more practical

It's cuz you don't know the difference - real sex is much better. May be the not like the first time you try it but like with any activity practice makes perfect

If masturbation was equivalent or better human race I think would have gone extinct.

angelictroublemaker · May 18, 2010

have you ever had the opportunity to have sex?

Yes - never before I was 24 tho (my love life was in daydreams before tha)t, so I wouldn't worry if you're in your mid twenties personally.

have you ever said no to sex when you really wanted to say yes? Why?

No - I refused one person who wasn''t after the same level of commitment and it was deeply empowering experience.

do you think personality type has anything to do with your decision to stay a virgin?

Yes, I think as a romantic idealist, I want it to be with someone special with whom I share a mutual emotional bond. Putting it out there, and you may think I'm crazy, whilst I acknowledge that it may not be possible, I would be very happy to share that part of me with one person and one person alone.

what is sex to you?

A safe space full of generosity and creativity and lots of laughter and fun. A spiritual level connection; a very high form of intimacy.

do you have any advice?

wait until you really feel ready; go with your gut and don't let anyone pressure you. i never heard anyone get hurt from going too slowly, only too fast. As for me, I have been slowly building up to it with a guy this year, and I think - if you both have some level of self control - that is the best way for us to gradually let down our protective layers and also really savour the whole process. (Its also a good way to test out if someone is for real!)

Gallen · May 18, 2010

If youre a virgin...

have you ever had the opportunity to have sex?
No.

have you ever said no to sex when you really wanted to say yes? Why?
Never had a relationship.

do you think personality type has anything to do with your decision to stay a virgin?
For me? Yes. I only want to share my soul with a loved one (chessy yes I know)

what is sex to you?
A really intimate experience to be shared with me and my loved one.

do you have any advice?
Not really, considering I've never been in a relationship.

Regards,
GW

Gallen · May 18, 2010

vel said:
Also imho if you find yourself waiting too long (like into mid-20s) then you are either being too picky/idealistic or not putting enough effort into finding relationships. And so if you're a virgin by that time, it is not because you haven't found that special someone at that stage, but because you've been passing by a lot of good people.

I'm going to be 32 in a few months mate :crazy:
But I will say that I am being a bit to idealistic probably, as well as having to deal with sexuality issues.

GW

vel · May 18, 2010

Gallen said:
I'm going to be 32 in a few months mate :crazy:
But I will say that I am being a bit to idealistic probably, as well as having to deal with sexuality issues.

GW

hehe well if it does not bother you much then who cares, imho not a huge deal
there are people who spend their entire lives celibate for whatever moral or religious convictions they have, and some very small percentage of people who just don't have any sex drive or interest in sex or even have aversion towards it
it is made into a huge deal only because sex preoccupies the rest of us quite a bit XD

but imho if it is an issue to you and you find yourself in mid-20s and entering 30s and that you are still a virgin, then you might want to relax your criteria for romantic partners a bit and strive to be more realistic - there are many good people out there, plenty of fellow idealists and intuits also, so unless it is for religious reasons or simply no interest for sex I see no reason to remain celibate that long

Gallen · May 18, 2010

vel said:
hehe well if it does not bother you much then who cares, imho not a huge deal
there are people who spend their entire lives celibate for whatever moral or religious convictions they have, and some very small percentage of people who just don't have any sex drive or interest in sex or even have aversion towards it
it is made into a huge deal only because sex preoccupies the rest of us quite a bit XD

but imho if it is an issue to you and you find yourself in mid-20s and entering 30s and that you are still a virgin, then you might want to relax your criteria for romantic partners a bit and strive to be more realistic - there are many good people out there, plenty of fellow idealists and intuits also, so unless it is for religious reasons or simply no interest for sex I see no reason to remain celibate that long

Not a bother whether I'm vigin or not truly - just being an idealistic idiot and waiting for "the one". Sex is.... one of the least of my concerns. More concerned about the usual infj stuff like self improvement and making my mark

GW

the virgin INFJ

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BlissfulDreams

Elan

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NightSkyGirl

Alaya

vel

NightSkyGirl

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Macrosapien

Alaya

NightSkyGirl

vel

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