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Are You Scared Of Falling in Love?

[INFJ]
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#21 ·
I think that the fear of falling in love stems from one's own fears and insecurities, something that I myself am familiar with. For me, this can tie into the whole negative self-talk where I'm not good enough for someone. But I've realized that if I set conditions upon myself to be deserving or worthy of love, then I also risk imposing conditions on others, even if I'm unaware of it and it's not my intention. In relationships, these conditions can manifest themselves in subtle ways that can be detrimental to the health of the couple.

Often times, many of us are stuck thinking about ourselves and our own shortcomings and issues. It's always about "me" or the "I" that seeks to possess, to claim, to call someone mine. Chances are, if we keep contemplating our fears and all the "what if's", then things will fail. Fears, insecurities, and uncertainties reflect a love that's about us. It's a love based on conditions.

Love--true love--is pure, timeless, and unconditional. It doesn't seek to possess nor does it discriminate. Moreover, the intrinsic value of love extends beyond the realm of romantic love that we carry for the one special individual; it extends towards others and towards humanity at large. So, what if we shifted our thoughts towards others? What if we simply made it about the other person and everything that we truly appreciate and love about them?

That's why I'm learning to focus on the present when I'm with someone I love, and to make the best of each moment we spend together, as if it would be our last. Never mind the what if's. Sure, risks are involved and my heart is left in the open for wounding, but I don't know what would kill me more: having been vulnerable and hurt, or not having opened my heart at all, hiding it safely from the world, only for it to be turned into stone.

On another note, life's just that: life. Things will hurt and the person you love will fail you. But in my eyes, nothing's more beautiful than people who've lived. Nothing's more beautiful than those who've been whipped to and fro by the wind and on the brink of death, but have managed to resurface alive and untainted. Your life experiences make you, you. Beautiful just the way you are, and nothing less.

So, what the heck, take a leap. Carpe Diem.
 
#23 ·
Yup.

I've been in love. I've had my heart shit all over and completely disrespected. After a while it goes into preservation mode separate from a decision on your part to put it there. I think the challenge once that happens though is to acknowledge the freezing process as an opportunity for movement, with the goal being eventually thawing your heart again...and it's a gradual process. Movement is important, but what's the point if it's not towards a desirable, truly worthy destination, if you're not feeling anything along the journey, just resigning yourself to permanent numbness, you know?


So although I'm totally terrified to fall in love again, it's my goal. I think what scares me the most is the "falling" part. Lots of redrawing of boundary lines to keep that from happening too early in the game, before trust (including that of myself) has been earned ever again. Those boundary lines disguise themselves as self sabotage sometimes too, so lots of introspection and awareness for the process has been necessary. Nobody is perfect though...so I think you have to be careful running straightaway at any hint of a red flag, or being too controlling in your hunt for them. No guarantees I won't get hurt again because of that, but I know now that I'll survive :)
 
#24 ·
teekhov said:
I think that the fear of falling in love stems from one's own fears and insecurities, something that I myself am familiar with. For me, this can tie into the whole negative self-talk where I'm not good enough for someone. But I've realized that if I set conditions upon myself to be deserving or worthy of love, then I also risk imposing conditions on others, even if I'm unaware of it and it's not my intention. In relationships, these conditions can manifest themselves in subtle ways that can be detrimental to the health of the couple.

Often times, many of us are stuck thinking about ourselves and our own shortcomings and issues. It's always about "me" or the "I" that seeks to possess, to claim, to call someone mine. Chances are, if we keep contemplating our fears and all the "what if's", then things will fail. Fears, insecurities, and uncertainties reflect a love that's about us. It's a love based on conditions.

Love--true love--is pure, timeless, and unconditional. It doesn't seek to possess nor does it discriminate. Moreover, the intrinsic value of love extends beyond the realm of romantic love that we carry for the one special individual; it extends towards others and towards humanity at large. So, what if we shifted our thoughts towards others? What if we simply made it about the other person and everything that we truly appreciate and love about them?

That's why I'm learning to focus on the present when I'm with someone I love, and to make the best of each moment we spend together, as if it would be our last. Never mind the what if's. Sure, risks are involved and my heart is left in the open for wounding, but I don't know what would kill me more: having been vulnerable and hurt, or not having opened my heart at all, hiding it safely from the world, only for it to be turned into stone.

On another note, life's just that: life. Things will hurt and the person you love will fail you. But in my eyes, nothing's more beautiful than people who've lived. Nothing's more beautiful than those who've been whipped to and fro by the wind and on the brink of death, but have managed to resurface alive and untainted. Your life experiences make you, you. Beautiful just the way you are, and nothing less.

So, what the heck, take a leap. Carpe Diem.
Click to expand...
If you ever see this...years later...its beautiful
 
#25 ·
Suddenly I see..

Can be taken as a risk reward game too. If there is no danger, then where can there be any extreme reward to it?
 
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#27 ·
dianeextro said:
It says 'Banned' under your name...Ive seen that on many accounts here...What does that mean?
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I'm not certain, but I suspect that with the recent site-wide update, user accounts that were either retired, banned or inactive at the time were auto-categorised into a 'banned' list by default during the update?

You may find more info on this in the FAQ's or specific threads regarding the site upgrade.
 
#28 ·
Clare_Bare said:
I'm not certain, but I suspect that with the recent site-wide update, user accounts that were either retired, banned or inactive at the time were auto-categorised into a 'banned' list by default during the update?

You may find more info on this in the FAQ's or specific threads regarding the site upgrade.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the reply...My mind automatically went to posts that may have been inappropriate however that did not make sense as the posters always seemed decent.
 
#29 ·
I don't know if I would say that I am scared necessarily to enter a relationship, one of my biggest goals in life is to be a great father (something I really didn't have too much of as a kid). The first priority in my life is to make sure that what I do is meaningful and helps others, but after that, I just want to make put my family in a better situation then when I first came into it. I want to really be a dependable guy for the people that are close to me.
I don't know if this is specifically an INFJ thing, or an enneagram sexual 5 phenomenon though.

Instead, I would argue most INFJs just simply don't know what they want in their partner. I know I am operating based on generalizations, but INFJs in particular seem to have a problem with identifying their own needs, and knowing how to express those needs effectively. We are all about what our partner wants in the relationship, but it is not so clear when we try to identify what we (the other individual in the relationship) wants. I know I certainly have failed to come to grips with that fact in the past.
A failure to enforce boundaries, and shielding yourself by having excessively high expectations of your partner (then justifying that you are forever alone because no one can meet those standards) can certainly also impact your capability to "fall in love".

However, I found that once you have certain concrete expectations for your partner, you'll find yourself in a much better position to create boundaries, and to enforce them. You'll start to be more confident in yourself, and may be more willing to take that first initial step of vulnerability.

Then again, I am only 22 years old. I certainly don't have a lot of life experiences on my side. But from the advice I've heard in my life (and on this forum), this seems to ring true.
 
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#30 ·
I've never been scared to fall in love, but I'm very cautious of falling for the wrong person. I don't get over people easily. I once loved an ENFP who seemed to fall in love with a different person every year or so. We lasted 18 months before I realized she was wrong for me on many levels. I think she fell in love with two or three other people in the three years I spent getting over her. I've been in love two other times, one lasting four years, and the other being my wife who I've loved for more than 20 years.
 
#31 ·
Buoyant said:
I've never been scared to fall in love, but I'm very cautious of falling for the wrong person. I don't get over people easily. I once loved an ENFP who seemed to fall in love with a different person every year or so. We lasted 18 months before I realized she was wrong for me on many levels. I think she fell in love with two or three other people in the three years I spent getting over her. I've been in love two other times, one lasting four years, and the other being my wife who I've loved for more than 20 years.
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over 20 years, thats awesome!
 
#33 ·
Can't say I'm particularly scared of things that I don't assume will happen.
Even if it did, I still wouldn't say I'm scared by it, I can love someone just fine. It's more just..... it feels strange if people love me. I question their standards a little.
 
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#34 ·
Schizoid said:
Not really. I'm not scared of falling in love, but I'm just tired of meeting the wrong people, people who have their hearts closed off to love.
Each time I try to walk into their hearts, they kept me away at a distance. I can feel this wall inside them.

Their walls had eventually caused me to give up on them, because I'm looking for someone who is emotionally available.
I think any emotionally healthy person wouldn't be able to tolerate such emotional unavailability in others.
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Most people have walls up in general due to past unpleasant situations. If you find that opportunity again, give it some time, enough so they (just like you) feel they can trust you enough to let you in.
 
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