Losing Faith in Someone

LadyD · May 3, 2013

What do you do when you lose faith in someone you love? You still love them, but you're just tired of seeing them progress and grow, and then lose everything they gained because of excuse making and back tracking.

At what point do you have to admit to yourself that you've lost hope with the person, and how do you continue to relate and communicate with the person when you can't stand to to tell them that you don't believe in them anymore after watching them be handed opportunities, and blow it repeatedly because of themselves?

Just feeling disappointed and perplexed, and unsure of what to do. Feeling unwilling to continue investing in someone who has decided to slip into old habits and behaviours, but also feeling guilty about wanting to abandon them, especially when that contradicts with an existing emotional attachment.

That said, I'm not sure the emotional attachment can compensate for this person's regression because it probably means going back to an old situation that I have no interest in being a part of.

Also, trying to understand why this person's regression has happened, and wondering if it's possible for it to lead to something else? Maybe. It's more that the emotional and mental state has regressed in addition to the person's practical realities, and that the practical realities, in fact, regressed because of the regression in emotional/mental state.

No longer have any idea how to respond to the person.

INFJane · May 3, 2013

LadyD said:
What do you do when you lose faith in someone you love? You still love them, but you're just tired of seeing them progress and grow, and then lose everything they gained because of excuse making and back tracking.

At what point do you have to admit to yourself that you've lost hope with the person, and how do you continue to relate and communicate with the person when you can't stand to to tell them that you don't believe in them anymore after watching them be handed opportunities, and blow it repeatedly because of themselves?

When? You've already admitted it. Good for you. Denial isn't just a dirty river. Your intuition has already told you what to do. Trust your gut. Tell them you haven't seen them put their best foot forward in too long, and you'd rather be alone while they reconstruct their sense of motivation. I can feel your aching disappointed pain. You know deep down, the way to respond to this person, might be the most difficult way. I'm really sorry

Really I am sorry. I'm kinda stuck making that same decision currently

Theosophie · May 3, 2013

Doorslam them.

I joke, I joke. It's an unfortunate first instinct, based solely on self-protection.

LadyD · May 5, 2013

As an update: I shared the following with her, hoping that it would convey what I felt when I couldn't really put into words:

I wasn't sure if she understood or not. I know that deep down, my emotions weren't ready to let go no matter what my head, or other people told me. I had such a cynical view of the future but I wanted, I wanted so deeply to believe that the progress she made mattered, that the fate of the relationship mattered.

I didn't want to stop hoping, but the cynicism, and fear, and disappointment were overwhelming.

And she surprised me. Surprised me happily.

In spite of the set back, she hasn't given up. She's taking the set back as an opportunity. She's seeing it as a chance to make positive progress. She has outdone me.

And as long as she is willing to fight, and try, I will be there.

Sun Lips · May 5, 2013

I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm in a similar situation, myself.

My best friend is INFJ and I realized a while back the door was closing on me. She prefers a boy that treats her badly. She doesn't like the things I have to say about him. Things I knew I shouldn't have said.. ahem.

All I have done is reached out, told her I care for her and that I'll always be around if she needs me, and sort of 'set her free' at this point. I won't lie, it hurts quite a bit. But this is what she needs right now. There is nothing I can do to prevent her from making the decisions she is going to make, nothing I can do to change her current perception of the world or her relationship or even her perception of me. Now, I wait.

What I hope will happen is that she'll miss me sometime. That's all. I don't need an apology. I just want her to come back. When she misses me, and she returns to me and starts talking to me again, I will be thrilled, and that'll be it. I'll be here when/if she needs me, like I said I would.

That's what I did, and depending on your situation, I'd advise something like that. You can not prevent this person from regressing, if that is what they are going to do. You already know this. Straining against the inevitable is going to drain you and benefit no one. Instead, let this person know you care for them, and then do the most painful thing of all, and wait for them to come to you.

As much as you want to climb into their mind and say, "I know what's best for you!!" it is impossible. It's hard, but take care of yourself in the meantime.

taraheffner · Aug 27, 2021

LadyD said:
What do you do when you lose faith in someone you love? You still love them, but you're just tired of seeing them progress and grow, and then lose everything they gained because of excuse making and back tracking.

At what point do you have to admit to yourself that you've lost hope with the person, and how do you continue to relate and communicate with the person when you can't stand to to tell them that you don't believe in them anymore after watching them be handed opportunities, and blow it repeatedly because of themselves?

Just feeling disappointed and perplexed, and unsure of what to do. Feeling unwilling to continue investing in someone who has decided to slip into old habits and behaviours, but also feeling guilty about wanting to abandon them, especially when that contradicts with an existing emotional attachment.

That said, I'm not sure the emotional attachment can compensate for this person's regression because it probably means going back to an old situation that I have no interest in being a part of.

Also, trying to understand why this person's regression has happened, and wondering if it's possible for it to lead to something else? Maybe. It's more that the emotional and mental state has regressed in addition to the person's practical realities, and that the practical realities, in fact, regressed because of the regression in emotional/mental state.

No longer have any idea how to respond to the person.

wow!!! after reading that it helps me understand were my spouse might be at, especially after 13 years. i would honestly have your partner read this because it hits hard. if the person is truely worth keeping around i think they would be effected by this greatly. im in tears just reading this and putting myself in your shoes. im also the one in my relationship who is the one that the hope and faith is exhausted...if it even is still there anymore. thank you for posting this. i know that this page is to get answers for yourself but i found help in your quote.

FreeKekistan · Sep 2, 2021

Level 30 necromancer

I think that relationship ended a long time ago since the post was written in 2013. Press F to pay respects.

But to the point, I think the biggest mistake (and one of the most annoying thing) people do (and here especially women) is going into relationships thinking they can "change" the person.

Why would you do that to:
1. yourself?
2. the person?

Let's get it straight and clear. Rule 1 of relationships is DO NOT TRY TO HELP ANYBODY THAT DOES NOT WANT TO BE HELPED. Well, there's that and also rule 0, for men, DO NOT PUT D*CK IN CRAZY. These words are like the pirate code and if someone says "screw the code", you know what happens to you, you have been very much warned.

See, I have seen this stuff happening in my past relationships. I tried or have been the subject of the attempt of being changed. Trying to change the person you wanna be with is garbage. Why do you even want to deal with that person if they're not what you're looking for? It's not like a junker in which you can invest and make it a 2Fast2Furious RGB 5 year old wet dream. The change should come from the person itself. Not from outside. You wanna be better, buddy? Well, you gotta put the effort in, not to mention the determination.

So, whatever you see in someone, unless they specifically ask you for your help, you should not try to force yourself upon them. A drowning person that does not cooperate with its rescuer will potentially drown and take down the person that was trying to help along with them. The only exception to this rule is if we are talking about kids. Kids are stupid and don't know what they want. That's why parents need to guide them. I know, I was a kid, stupid and all.

Apparatus · Sep 4, 2021

You could say I lost my faith in science and progress. You could say I lost my faith in the people on TV. You could say I lost my belief in the politicians (they all seemed like game show hosts to me) You could say all of this and worse, but...

LadyD said:
What do you do when you lose faith in someone you love?

If I ever lose my faith in you? There'd be nothing left for me to do.

Losing Faith in Someone

LadyD

INFJane

Theosophie

LadyD

Sun Lips

taraheffner

FreeKekistan

Apparatus

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