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Do narcissists love their children?
Answer (1 of 617): Do narcissists love their children? No they turn their kids into factory of psychopaths and empaths. Example : Kid scores good marks in School, Narc is happy and proud. Kid fails in exam, Narc is ashamed of this event and will curse the kid for giving birth and then saying ...
No. A true narc despises their children if they are in a good relationship with someone, they are more successful than them, and because they are younger, and have time on their side. They are jealous of their children for being happy, and living a normal life.
A narc will try to sabotage their children's relationships, career, and happiness. One minute they are bragging about their children's accomplishments, the next they are insulting their very being. So no, narcs could give a rat's ass about their children. It's all about them. Excellent question.
Not past what that child can do for them and give them in terms of supply. If the child has any success, you know who is going to try to take the credit. One mistake could mean that the child(ren) get discarded. Iโve seen it happen with the narcissistโs older kids.
The narcissist was jealous of the love and attention that my young children garnered. He would parade us around town because of it. He has a forgettable face and he knows it. Nothing special about him. Obese, rude, CRUDE, quick to anger, violent, alcoholic, sexual deviant.
Narcissists will never love their kids. They lack the ability to form attachment to anyone due to the neglect/trauma they endured as very young children. Their brains didnโt develop properly.
They developed a severe mental illness that has no cure. Unfortunately, they will remain the rotten people theyโve always been, till death. Even the golden child (if there is one) will be devalued and eventually, discarded. Usually the children once they are older completely disconnect from the narcissist.
They realize who the toxic parent is and catch onto their manipulations. More often than not, the narcissist winds up alone in their old age.
Theyโre the ones in nursing homes who have no visitors. The ones who die in their own homes and arenโt found for weeks. They are the cause of their own destruction.
Narcissists don't love anybody. Their life is one long mission to feel worthy, to be noticed by others.
It never seems to work. No matter how many times they plug that hole, as the rush dies away, that old dripping sound continues. The treasonous sound that is always in the back ground. There's just not enough attention in the world to hide it.
Perhaps it's the rattle of someone trying to get out.
Someone forgotten long ago. Somebody who wasn't wanted. Someone who wasn't quite right for the part. They asked for too much (love, affection, interested attention) and they gave to little.
They got fired.
The narcissist had to create somebody else. Many other people.
Somebody who could please the adults by both charming and devaluing them - a coquette.
Somebody to do all their jobs โ a servant.
Somebody to be offered up to the toxic adults and rapacious โfriends" that would arrive โ a sacrifice.
The child was created to gratify the narcissist's needs.
Narcissists do not love their children, but from time to time they lust after them,
Since narcissists canโt develop the ability to empathize with others, they can never learn to love.
Unfortunately, this doesnโt change when narcissists have children. The narcissist parent sees their child merely as a possession who can be used to further their own self-interests. They often have issues with boundaries, both physically and emotionally, and unload a lot of emotional baggage onto their kids. This makes children the narcissistic parentโs primary source of comfort โ and sometimes their punching bag.
Narcissists also view the world in a binary manner: Things are either viewed as special/ideal/perfect or worthless/harmful/garbage. There is no in-between, and they treat their children according to those extremes.
This leaves their children wanting desperately to please them (to be on the โloveโ side of the spectrum, rather than the darker, more hateful side) and theyโll even let their narcissistic parent control their lives, just to keep things running smoothly. Likewise, as long as kids cater to the narcissistโs needs and make them feel good about themselves, theyโre more likely to respond positively, making the childโs home life more harmonious.
But as kids grow up, they become stronger, more confident, more brave. Narcissistic parents see their childrenโs independence as a direct threat to the control they want or need over their lives.
Out of desperation to retain control, narcissists will try to deliberately sabotage their childโs sense of self-worth. Some of the common tactics they use include creating unhealthy competitions, using guilt and blame, giving ultimatums, and/or putting their child down (by telling them theyโre fat, ugly, useless, stupid, etc.) to try to keep their childโs confidence low.
They believe they love their children. But actually they are incapable of knowing and feeling and expressing true love. They love their child when they are pretty, smart, talented. Whatever it is they find of important significance. They need something to show off and brag about. You have to make them look good. If you embarrass them by deciding to have your mind. you will see that other side of their love, The gaslighting and scapegoating. Most times they donโt even understand it themselves, But they have a mental disorder and they lack empathy.
- Narcissists donโt love anyone. That includes their children.
- When it comes to their children, it becomes literally a case of, โI made you, so I own you.โ A Narcissistโs children are not their children; they are their slaves. They are not even people; they are objects, or pets on the best days. A Narcissistโs children are born to serve them, to be of use to them.
- If they have several children, a Narcissist will often assign roles to them. One child might end up being the Golden Child: the one who is constantly praised while the others are denigrated and unfavorably compared. But make no mistake: thereโs no love whatsoever in this. Thereโs only manipulation. A Golden Child isnโt acknowledged as a child to begin with, as a person; they are only a tool in their Narcissistic parentโs toolbox, like all their siblings.
- Despite all this, you can expect the Narcissistic parent to pretend to be the Most Loving and Devoted Parent in the Whole Entire History of Humanity and the Whole Entire Geography of the World. You can expect the most passionate claims of โloving their children more than anything else,โ of โbeing willing to do anything - anything! - for their children,โ of โwanting nothing - nothing! - but the happiness of the children,โ and so on. Itโs all BS, but they are so good at pretending that most everyone believes them, including quite often their own children, who will deny their own pain and twist their minds to invent excuses for their parentโs behavior.
A very interesting and quite complex A2A.
Simple answer โ Yes and No.
Narcissist parents love their children for any value which can be extracted from them.
So yes, just not in any normal way.
- Disordered and abnormal, self centred and self entitled.
- No genuine, real love.
In NPD alternate one there is very little, if any, true and unconditional love.
Instead, kids are enslaved under an unconditional contract - to feed the parent with everything they need/want/desire.
Children get chained to Narcissist parent sleigh/wagon.
- Whip crack away.
- Kids are treated like wagon horses or sleigh dogs.
- Go faster, harder, better โmy little puppies"
Some will get pampered, some disregarded.
- If this is how love between humans is supposed to work, count me out.
Behaviour breeds behaviour. Familiarity breeds contempt.
Actions speak louder than words.
Put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig. Narcissist parents are greedy, self entitled piggish creatures.
Narcissistic parents tend to disempower their children. The family system tends to be hierarchical, exploitative, unequal and therefor, unstable. Domination and control are their primary motivations. Of course, sweeping generalizations are rarely perfectly accurate descriptions of behavior. However, all narcissistic parents damage their children emotionally as a result of failures in empathy. The key factor is the parentโs intent. The following serve as themes for your consideration and are not absolutes. These ideas are meant to stimulate your imagination. As well, they provide a permissive frame of mind from which to examine your own, personal, story. Reflecting on the love you never had, is the ultimate sadness of this tragedy.
Narcissistic parents are often vain, selfish, egocentric, and preoccupied with fantasies of how much better their lives would be if they didnโt have โkidsโ. When occupied with dreams of wealth, power, and prestige, narcissistic parents can barely remember their childrenโs names , let alone recognize their childrenโs needs. Serving as props, and pawns, these children grow up with a diffuse sense of who they are , let alone, who they would like to become. Narcissistic parents often model amoral decision making strategies. As such, their children are encouraged to take short cuts, and break the rules if necessary to reach their goal. They are often taught to become bitter rivals toward anyone who threatens to expose them. And, they are taught to never apologize and never feel guilty. Often their manners are seeped through with envy and ingratitude. If these offspring are caught in a dilemma, they are taught to blame the other guy. At the end of a long life, many abused narcissistic children become as their parents predicted, โshiftless, bored, empty souls, looking for a quick buckโ.
The resilient ones, let their narcissistic parentsโ toxic influence roll off , like water on a duckโs back. Survivors make difficult decisions in difficult times. They educate themselves to recognize good will when they see it. They learn not to harbor resentment, and to stand up for what is fair, just, dignified, and moral. A new frame of mind must accompany a new vision. A well adjusted you requires healthier surroundings. A dislocated sense of yourself has to be rediscovered and nurtured. Emotional openness and self acceptance are two different sides of the same coin. Remember that the deepest wounds are the hardest to heal. Unexamined assumptions keep victims of abuse tied to their past. You must cease to look up to people who look down on you. If you bow down to them, they will simply run over you! You must remind yourself that your โemperorโ has no clothes.
Narcissists love their children in the only way they know how to love.
They love how the children make them feel (sometimes, other times less so).
They love the status that comes with being a father, a loving father and family man.
They love when their children look up to them, giving them positive attention.
They love having their children as scapegoat, for their negative projections.
They love how their children help regulate their emotions.
They hate what it costs to support the children.
They hate that the children have their own, independent, needs.
As some previous answers have stated, narcissists only see their children as extensions of themselves and use them to their advantage. I had a relationship with a divorced man who had three adorable children. I fell for him, as most codependents and empaths do for narcissists, because he was charming, intelligent and incredibly confident.
He had a great professional reputation, had a very active social life and everywhere we went, he knew everybody and people just seemed loved him. One of the things that dazzled me the most in the beginning was his selflessness and commitment as a single parent (at least thatโs how he appeared to be) I felt so much admiration for that stoical man who would give anything for his children, and so moved for those poor creatures abandoned by their evil selfish mother (as he put it), that almost immediately I felt the urge to love and nurture them.
Since this question is not about romantic relationships, I will not go into much detail about our dynamic as a couple, basically, after a few months of idyllic perfection, red flags started raising, the usual narcissist warning signs (incapability of apologizing, justifying his hurtful behavior, absence of empathy, inexplicable cruelty, gaslighting, manipulation, objectification), until I ended up fighting for my sanity in therapy and discovered I was with a psychopathic narcissist. During the process of realization, I also started noticing how he related to his children, and it was in a completely superficial way. Rarely spent any time with them, only gave them material things, expensive phones, clothes, videogames, never helped them study or do homework, always complained about them, about how they didnโt appreciate his sacrifice, tried to make them feel guilty and indebted to him, and also used this as an excuse for frequent escapades.
He used them to manipulate his parents and people around him, used them to manipulate me. For example, he would never refuse to go partying with his friends, or even alone, even on weekdays, school nights, would stay the whole night at the bar, several times a week. But if for some reason I asked him for something that didnโt involve having a good time, such as dropping by my house to bring me some medicine if I was sick or something like that, then he would be all like โoh you heartless woman, donโt you understand I have children to take care of, how can you be so selfish?โ Of course, who wants to be an egoistic bitch who competes with a manโs children for affection? So I always ended up feeling guilty and apologizing even if I had done nothing wrong. Whenever I tried to get out of that toxic relationship, he would blackmail me with his childrenโs fondness of me, so I would feel obliged to stay.
Eventually, he ended up discarding me because I got very sick and had to undergo surgery and a long period of hospitalization and recovery in which he was not going to give up a second of his hedonistic lifestyle to be nice to me. High price to pay for my freedom, but I got it back. In the end, I discovered that he had taken sole custody of his children just as a form of revenge to his ex, the poor woman tried to flee the country with the kids to escape his abuse, but since she took them without his permission, it could be considered as kidnapping, so he moved heaven and earth just to get the children back as a trophy. Itโs been almost two years, but I think often about those poor kids whose father is incapable of loving them.
My mother once said, "You'll see this happen when you have a baby: when the baby is inside of you, it's all yours. Once you give birth, the baby isn't yours anymore. It's everybody else's."
I was too young to understand how my mother was insanely jealous.
With my first pregnancy, I was terrified this would happen. It never did. With my second son, I was terrified I wouldn't have enough love for both children. As my friend Rae explained, "love just multiplies." It sure did!
So I don't understand how my mother looked at motherhood. I don't understand how she could look at a baby and it not be "hers" anymore. I was no more than an obligation, a millstone around her neck.
I, too, heard a lot of "I wish I never had children," and, "Your father loves you more than he loves me."
If an NPD mother does love her children, it's for what they bring to her, and I felt that I brought her nothing but pain and shame after I was finally born.
I'll never say as she did, โI wish I never had kids.โ That's just too cruel to understand.
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No they don't.
I am the oldest child, was expected for great things and had a great relationship with my mum growing up. But when i started struggling in school I was a failure, a disappointment and I was going to end up living on the street. Redeemed myself briefly by getting decent GCSE results but that all went away when I flat out refused to go to university. She made it very clear that her โloveโ for me revolved around how successful i was. She wouldnt have children that didn't have a good education.
My sister was the second and she is the scapegoat. She was โa difficult child from birthโ and basically all the family issues were blamed on her. Branded as selfish becaue she asked for basic things like new clothes or books for school. But not given pocket money because she was โungratefulโ. Ironically she's the clever one in the family and is now in university. Still not enough for their approval though because she refused to conform to my parents ideal.
My brother is the youngest. My mum clung to him as her last hope. Smothering and babying him to the point where i genuinly worry for his mental wellbeing. Once he started school and it became apparent he has severe dyslexia that was it.
She has now decided she never should have had children. Reminds us repeatedly, usually at family gatherings like Christmas or birthdays. We are all ungrateful and selfish just because we didn't live up to her expectations. Narcissists are incapable of loving their children because they expect unconditional love from us but refuse to give it themselves. Love from a Narcissist is earned not given freely. You have to be perfect or you are undeserving.
I do feel for my mum because she was never given unconditional love as a child. Her upbringing was worse than mine and people who have never received the true sense of love from a parent will never understand how to give it to others.
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No, they do not love their children, however, they'll pretend for the world because they want to appear normal. The sociopath I dated paid for everything for his daughter and did nothing for his son. According to his ex-wife, he would text their kids and tell them he wasn't going to be their father if they wouldn't return his phone calls in the middle of a school day, he murdered the family dog with his bare hands in front of the family, and abandoned them frequently, and never purchased gifts or celebrated their children. His sister confirmed her stories.
I witnessed him wrestling with his son, purposely, after he was diagnosed with a spinal injury. He always made me feel like he hated both of his children for different reasons, but I never witnessed anything extreme enough to report. What I know, now, is he used the same pattern of abuse with his children as anyone else. His daughter would leave every weekend visit in tears. His ex-wife told me he would tell his daughter I kept leaving him because she was a spoiled little bitch. She was 17 at the time and I couldnโt figure out why our connection grew sour until she shared that with me.
He teamed up with another sociopath after I left, and she forced his children out completely, and he allowed it. The daughter said the new person called her an intimidating little bitch. My heart breaks for his children. I know he's done worse to them, but their mother is too weak with fear and a perverted hope he'll improve, to put her children first by turning their father in and giving her children closure and peace. At the end of the day, she's just as guilty for their abuse.
I hope this response was helpful. If anyone witnesses abuse, please document and report. These people are destroying children and I'm sick of them escaping through the silence of those around them.
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People suffering from NPD are experiencing something called cognitive dissonance: They often think they love or are in love but in general, someone suffering from NPD is not capable of real feelings, so they are not capable of love. It doesnโt matter if this love is for their partner/spouse or their children. This is not real.
Narcissists often have something called cold empathy, they can mimic the feelings of others but real love? Not very likely, basically impossible.
I was married 28 years to my covert narc wife and she discarded me and our kids 9 months ago because she didnโt get along with her own kids anymore and then she started blaming ME for it.
During these 9 months, she hasnโt seen her kids once. Not a single time. She wrote them exactly four times that she misses them but never wrote she loves them. The text was basically saying โyou are mine, without me you wouldnโt exist and I had to suffer through pregnancyโ.
When her friends or patients, she is a doctor, ask her about her kids, she tells them that โmy husband doesnโt allow them to contact meโ. My kids are 18 and 21, small adults, the phase of me allowing them anything or not has passed for a very long time. LOL
Now she is hoovering me, she expects me to apologize to her for her โmiserable lifeโ (this is what she told me and her friends recently), she blames ME and the kids for her discarding us and living with another guy and his small kids. No kidding!
It seems now that she planned the discard for a very long time and that her new boyfriend (her best friendโs son) isnโt really her boyfriend and she faked it to torture me and the kids, which is even worse in my opinion.
She wants to get back together with me because of the high child and spousal support (we live in Germany) she has to pay soon and because she probably didnโt find a better โdealโ (supply) during the past 9 months but we donโt want her anymore.
This is why she is hoovering me very passively, she expects an apology(!) from me (in the past, she also demanded that the kids tell her that they love her, so she can come back, ridiculous). I guess she will switch to some sort of love bombing soon because her โpassiveโ hoovering doesnโt seem to work for her as she probably had planned.
She wants to get back together with me after she moves to a new condo soon, so she already accepted the idea that she cannot come home to me and the kids. She hasnโt asked about the kids for over two months now, so I guess she already gave them up, she just wants ME back because of the divorce cost (child/spousal support).
Here is your answer: They do NOT love their kids, not really and if they say they do, they have something in mind.
To make you understand what kind of damage narcissists can cause in their kids: Our daughter has a serious anxiety disorder and various forms of OCD. My son is better off but has issues to show his emotions. He bottled in all negative emotions and at some point, they will get out. He needs therapy, my daughter already goes to therapy.
This is what narcissists do with their kids: They destroy them, they do not love them.
An interesting observation: After my wife discarded us, we are and feel much better now. The daughter feels much better, my son opened up recently. We are doing great (considering the circumstances), as if something bad in our life just disappeared and finally allowed us to heal in peace.
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Do narcissists love their children?
Narcissists donโt love anyone. That includes their children.
When it comes to their children, it becomes literally a case of, โI made you, so I own you.โ A Narcissistโs children are not their children; they are their slaves. They are not even people; they are objects, or pets on the best days. A Narcissistโs children are born to serve them, to be of use to them.
If they have several children, a Narcissist will often assign roles to them. One child might end up being the Golden Child: the one who is constantly praised while the others are denigrated and unfavorably compared. But make no mistake: thereโs no love whatsoever in this. Thereโs only manipulation. A Golden Child isnโt acknowledged as a child to begin with, as a person; they are only a tool in their Narcissistic parentโs toolbox, like all their siblings.
Despite all this, you can expect the Narcissistic parent to pretend to be the Most Loving and Devoted Parent in the Whole Entire History of Humanity and the Whole Entire Geography of the World. You can expect the most passionate claims of โloving their children more than anything else,โ of โbeing willing to do anything - anything! - for their children,โ of โwanting nothing - nothing! - but the happiness of the children,โ and so on. Itโs all BS, but they are so good at pretending that most everyone believes them, including quite often their own children, who will deny their own pain and twist their minds to invent excuses for their parentโs behavior.
It was painful to realize that my own mother doesnโt love me, has never loved me. But it was also so incredibly freeing!
A very interesting and quite complex A2A.
Simple answer โ Yes and No.
Narcissist parents love their children for any value which can be extracted from them.
So yes, just not in any normal way.
Disordered and abnormal, self centred and self entitled.
No genuine, real love.
In normal reality, only truly unconditional love is between parent and child.
In NPD alternate one there is very little, if any, true and unconditional love.
Instead, kids are enslaved under an unconditional contract - to feed the parent with everything they need/want/desire.
Children get chained to Narcissist parent sleigh/wagon.
Whip crack away.
Kids are treated like wagon horses or sleigh dogs.
Go faster, harder, better โmy little puppies"
Kids get forced to harden up in some way, to protect themselves. This has future impact
Some will get pampered, some disregarded.
If this is how love between humans is supposed to work, count me out.
Children are not pets to be toyed with, and poorly trained.
Behaviour breeds behaviour. Familiarity breeds contempt.
Actions speak louder than words.
Put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig. Narcissist parents are greedy, self entitled piggish creatures.
Narcissistic parents tend to disempower their children. The family system tends to be hierarchical, exploitative, unequal and therefor, unstable. Domination and control are their primary motivations. Of course, sweeping generalizations are rarely perfectly accurate descriptions of behavior. However, all narcissistic parents damage their children emotionally as a result of failures in empathy. The key factor is the parentโs intent. The following serve as themes for your consideration and are not absolutes. These ideas are meant to stimulate your imagination. As well, they provide a permissive frame of mind from which to examine your own, personal, story. Reflecting on the love you never had, is the ultimate sadness of this tragedy.
Narcissistic parents are often vain, selfish, egocentric, and preoccupied with fantasies of how much better their lives would be if they didnโt have โkidsโ. When occupied with dreams of wealth, power, and prestige, narcissistic parents can barely remember their childrenโs names , let alone recognize their childrenโs needs. Serving as props, and pawns, these children grow up with a diffuse sense of who they are , let alone, who they would like to become. Narcissistic parents often model amoral decision making strategies. As such, their children are encouraged to take short cuts, and break the rules if necessary to reach their goal. They are often taught to become bitter rivals toward anyone who threatens to expose them. And, they are taught to never apologize and never feel guilty. Often their manners are seeped through with envy and ingratitude. If these offspring are caught in a dilemma, they are taught to blame the other guy. At the end of a long life, many abused narcissistic children become as their parents predicted, โshiftless, bored, empty souls, looking for a quick buckโ.
The resilient ones, let their narcissistic parentsโ toxic influence roll off , like water on a duckโs back. Survivors make difficult decisions in difficult times. They educate themselves to recognize good will when they see it. They learn not to harbor resentment, and to stand up for what is fair, just, dignified, and moral. A new frame of mind must accompany a new vision. A well adjusted you requires healthier surroundings. A dislocated sense of yourself has to be rediscovered and nurtured. Emotional openness and self acceptance are two different sides of the same coin. Remember that the deepest wounds are the hardest to heal. Unexamined assumptions keep victims of abuse tied to their past. You must cease to look up to people who look down on you. If you bow down to them, they will simply run over you! You must remind yourself that your โemperorโ has no clothes.
Does a narcissist want to be in their childrenโs lives? Or are they just trying to make themselves look good?
What kind of attitude will a narcissist have towards her children?
Is a narcissist capable of loving their own children? Do they feel a sense of responsibility to them at all or is everyone used as a pawn without exception?
No. Not past what that child can do for them and give them in terms of supply. If the child has any success, you know who is going to try to take the credit. One mistake could mean that the child(ren) get discarded. Iโve seen it happen with the narcissistโs older kids.
The narcissist was jealous of the love and attention that my young children garnered. He would parade us around town because of it. He has a forgettable face and he knows it. Nothing special about him. Obese, rude, CRUDE, quick to anger, violent, alcoholic, sexual deviant.
Narcissists will never love their kids. They lack the ability to form attachment to anyone due to the neglect/trauma they endured as very young children. Their brains didnโt develop properly. They developed a severe mental illness that has no cure. Unfortunately, they will remain the rotten people theyโve always been, till death. Even the golden child (if there is one) will be devalued and eventually, discarded. Usually the children once they are older completely disconnect from the narcissist. They realize who the toxic parent is and catch onto their manipulations. More often than not, the narcissist winds up alone in their old age. Theyโre the ones in nursing homes who have no visitors. The ones who die in their own homes and arenโt found for weeks. They are the cause of their own destruction.
No. A true narc despises their children if they are in a good relationship with someone, they are more successful than them, and because they are younger, and have time on their side. They are jealous of their children for being happy, and living a normal life. A narc will try to sabotage their children's relationships, career, and happiness. One minute they are bragging about their children's accomplishments, the next they are insulting their very being. So no, narcs could give a rat's ass about their children. It's all about them. Excellent question.
Narcissists don't love anybody. Their life is one long mission to feel worthy, to be noticed by others.
It never seems to work. No matter how many times they plug that hole, as the rush dies away, that old dripping sound continues. The treasonous sound that is always in the back ground. There's just not enough attention in the world to hide it.
Perhaps it's the rattle of someone trying to get out.
Someone forgotten long ago. Somebody who wasn't wanted. Someone who wasn't quite right for the part. They asked for too much (love, affection, interested attention) and they gave to little.
They got fired.
The narcissist had to create somebody else. Many other people.
Somebody who could please the adults by both charming and devaluing them - a coquette.
Somebody to do all their jobs โ a servant.
Somebody to be offered up to the toxic adults and rapacious โfriends" that would arrive โ a sacrifice.
The child was created to gratify the narcissist's needs.
Narcissists do not love their children, but from time to time they lust after them,
Robert
Since narcissists canโt develop the ability to empathize with others, they can never learn to love.
Unfortunately, this doesnโt change when narcissists have children. The narcissist parent sees their child merely as a possession who can be used to further their own self-interests. They often have issues with boundaries, both physically and emotionally, and unload a lot of emotional baggage onto their kids. This makes children the narcissistic parentโs primary source of comfort โ and sometimes their punching bag.
Narcissists also view the world in a binary manner: Things are either viewed as special/ideal/perfect or worthless/harmful/garbage. There is no in-between, and they treat their children according to those extremes.
This leaves their children wanting desperately to please them (to be on the โloveโ side of the spectrum, rather than the darker, more hateful side) and theyโll even let their narcissistic parent control their lives, just to keep things running smoothly. Likewise, as long as kids cater to the narcissistโs needs and make them feel good about themselves, theyโre more likely to respond positively, making the childโs home life more harmonious.
But as kids grow up, they become stronger, more confident, more brave. Narcissistic parents see their childrenโs independence as a direct threat to the control they want or need over their lives.
Out of desperation to retain control, narcissists will try to deliberately sabotage their childโs sense of self-worth. Some of the common tactics they use include creating unhealthy competitions, using guilt and blame, giving ultimatums, and/or putting their child down (by telling them theyโre fat, ugly, useless, stupid, etc.) to try to keep their childโs confidence low.
You might be interested in reading this on Quora:
7 Signs You Are A Victim Of Narcissistic Abuse
Top 5 Realities You Must Face If You Are With A Narcissist
7 Things the Narcissist Will Do If You Leave
What Narcissists Do When A Relationship Ends
3 Things That HURT A Narcissist THE MOST
7 SIGNS You Are Dealing With A Covert Narcissist
10 Surprising Things Narcissists Canโt Stand ( Makes Them Miserable )
10 Things Never To Do With A Narcissist
How To Determine If You Are A Narcissist
They believe they love their children. But actually they are incapable of knowing and feeling and expressing true love. They love their child when they are pretty, smart, talented. Whatever it is they find of important significance. They need something to show off and brag about. You have to make them look good. If you embarrass them by deciding to have your mind. you will see that other side of their love, The gaslighting and scapegoating. Most times they donโt even understand it themselves, But they have a mental disorder and they lack empathy.
Narcissists love their children in the only way they know how to love.
They love how the children make them feel (sometimes, other times less so).
They love the status that comes with being a father, a loving father and family man.
They love when their children look up to them, giving them positive attention.
They love having their children as scapegoat, for their negative projections.
They love how their children help regulate their emotions.
They hate what it costs to support the children.
They hate that the children have their own, independent, needs.
As some previous answers have stated, narcissists only see their children as extensions of themselves and use them to their advantage. I had a relationship with a divorced man who had three adorable children. I fell for him, as most codependents and empaths do for narcissists, because he was charming, intelligent and incredibly confident. He had a great professional reputation, had a very active social life and everywhere we went, he knew everybody and people just seemed loved him. One of the things that dazzled me the most in the beginning was his selflessness and commitment as a single parent (at least thatโs how he appeared to be) I felt so much admiration for that stoical man who would give anything for his children, and so moved for those poor creatures abandoned by their evil selfish mother (as he put it), that almost immediately I felt the urge to love and nurture them. Since this question is not about romantic relationships, I will not go into much detail about our dynamic as a couple, basically, after a few months of idyllic perfection, red flags started raising, the usual narcissist warning signs (incapability of apologizing, justifying his hurtful behavior, absence of empathy, inexplicable cruelty, gaslighting, manipulation, objectification), until I ended up fighting for my sanity in therapy and discovered I was with a psychopathic narcissist. During the process of realization, I also started noticing how he related to his children, and it was in a completely superficial way. Rarely spent any time with them, only gave them material things, expensive phones, clothes, videogames, never helped them study or do homework, always complained about them, about how they didnโt appreciate his sacrifice, tried to make them feel guilty and indebted to him, and also used this as an excuse for frequent escapades. He used them to manipulate his parents and people around him, used them to manipulate me. For example, he would never refuse to go partying with his friends, or even alone, even on weekdays, school nights, would stay the whole night at the bar, several times a week. But if for some reason I asked him for something that didnโt involve having a good time, such as dropping by my house to bring me some medicine if I was sick or something like that, then he would be all like โoh you heartless woman, donโt you understand I have children to take care of, how can you be so selfish?โ Of course, who wants to be an egoistic bitch who competes with a manโs children for affection? So I always ended up feeling guilty and apologizing even if I had done nothing wrong. Whenever I tried to get out of that toxic relationship, he would blackmail me with his childrenโs fondness of me, so I would feel obliged to stay. Eventually, he ended up discarding me because I got very sick and had to undergo surgery and a long period of hospitalization and recovery in which he was not going to give up a second of his hedonistic lifestyle to be nice to me. High price to pay for my freedom, but I got it back. In the end, I discovered that he had taken sole custody of his children just as a form of revenge to his ex, the poor woman tried to flee the country with the kids to escape his abuse, but since she took them without his permission, it could be considered as kidnapping, so he moved heaven and earth just to get the children back as a trophy. Itโs been almost two years, but I think often about those poor kids whose father is incapable of loving them.
My mother once said, "You'll see this happen when you have a baby: when the baby is inside of you, it's all yours. Once you give birth, the baby isn't yours anymore. It's everybody else's."
I was too young to understand how my mother was insanely jealous.
With my first pregnancy, I was terrified this would happen. It never did. With my second son, I was terrified I wouldn't have enough love for both children. As my friend Rae explained, "love just multiplies." It sure did!
So I don't understand how my mother looked at motherhood. I don't understand how she could look at a baby and it not be "hers" anymore. I was no more than an obligation, a millstone around her neck.
I, too, heard a lot of "I wish I never had children," and, "Your father loves you more than he loves me."
If an NPD mother does love her children, it's for what they bring to her, and I felt that I brought her nothing but pain and shame after I was finally born.
I'll never say as she did, โI wish I never had kids.โ That's just too cruel to understand.
No they don't.
I am the oldest child, was expected for great things and had a great relationship with my mum growing up. But when i started struggling in school I was a failure, a disappointment and I was going to end up living on the street. Redeemed myself briefly by getting decent GCSE results but that all went away when I flat out refused to go to university. She made it very clear that her โloveโ for me revolved around how successful i was. She wouldnt have children that didn't have a good education.
My sister was the second and she is the scapegoat. She was โa difficult child from birthโ and basically all the family issues were blamed on her. Branded as selfish becaue she asked for basic things like new clothes or books for school. But not given pocket money because she was โungratefulโ. Ironically she's the clever one in the family and is now in university. Still not enough for their approval though because she refused to conform to my parents ideal.
My brother is the youngest. My mum clung to him as her last hope. Smothering and babying him to the point where i genuinly worry for his mental wellbeing. Once he started school and it became apparent he has severe dyslexia that was it.
She has now decided she never should have had children. Reminds us repeatedly, usually at family gatherings like Christmas or birthdays. We are all ungrateful and selfish just because we didn't live up to her expectations. Narcissists are incapable of loving their children because they expect unconditional love from us but refuse to give it themselves. Love from a Narcissist is earned not given freely. You have to be perfect or you are undeserving.
I do feel for my mum because she was never given unconditional love as a child. Her upbringing was worse than mine and people who have never received the true sense of love from a parent will never understand how to give it to others.
No, they do not love their children, however, they'll pretend for the world because they want to appear normal. The sociopath I dated paid for everything for his daughter and did nothing for his son. According to his ex-wife, he would text their kids and tell them he wasn't going to be their father if they wouldn't return his phone calls in the middle of a school day, he murdered the family dog with his bare hands in front of the family, and abandoned them frequently, and never purchased gifts or celebrated their children. His sister confirmed her stories.
I witnessed him wrestling with his son, purposely, after he was diagnosed with a spinal injury. He always made me feel like he hated both of his children for different reasons, but I never witnessed anything extreme enough to report. What I know, now, is he used the same pattern of abuse with his children as anyone else. His daughter would leave every weekend visit in tears. His ex-wife told me he would tell his daughter I kept leaving him because she was a spoiled little bitch. She was 17 at the time and I couldnโt figure out why our connection grew sour until she shared that with me.
He teamed up with another sociopath after I left, and she forced his children out completely, and he allowed it. The daughter said the new person called her an intimidating little bitch. My heart breaks for his children. I know he's done worse to them, but their mother is too weak with fear and a perverted hope he'll improve, to put her children first by turning their father in and giving her children closure and peace. At the end of the day, she's just as guilty for their abuse.
I hope this response was helpful. If anyone witnesses abuse, please document and report. These people are destroying children and I'm sick of them escaping through the silence of those around them.
People suffering from NPD are experiencing something called cognitive dissonance: They often think they love or are in love but in general, someone suffering from NPD is not capable of real feelings, so they are not capable of love. It doesnโt matter if this love is for their partner/spouse or their children. This is not real.
Narcissists often have something called cold empathy, they can mimic the feelings of others but real love? Not very likely, basically impossible.
I was married 28 years to my covert narc wife and she discarded me and our kids 9 months ago because she didnโt get along with her own kids anymore and then she started blaming ME for it.
During these 9 months, she hasnโt seen her kids once. Not a single time. She wrote them exactly four times that she misses them but never wrote she loves them. The text was basically saying โyou are mine, without me you wouldnโt exist and I had to suffer through pregnancyโ.
When her friends or patients, she is a doctor, ask her about her kids, she tells them that โmy husband doesnโt allow them to contact meโ. My kids are 18 and 21, small adults, the phase of me allowing them anything or not has passed for a very long time. LOL
Now she is hoovering me, she expects me to apologize to her for her โmiserable lifeโ (this is what she told me and her friends recently), she blames ME and the kids for her discarding us and living with another guy and his small kids. No kidding!
It seems now that she planned the discard for a very long time and that her new boyfriend (her best friendโs son) isnโt really her boyfriend and she faked it to torture me and the kids, which is even worse in my opinion.
She wants to get back together with me because of the high child and spousal support (we live in Germany) she has to pay soon and because she probably didnโt find a better โdealโ (supply) during the past 9 months but we donโt want her anymore.
This is why she is hoovering me very passively, she expects an apology(!) from me (in the past, she also demanded that the kids tell her that they love her, so she can come back, ridiculous). I guess she will switch to some sort of love bombing soon because her โpassiveโ hoovering doesnโt seem to work for her as she probably had planned.
She wants to get back together with me after she moves to a new condo soon, so she already accepted the idea that she cannot come home to me and the kids. She hasnโt asked about the kids for over two months now, so I guess she already gave them up, she just wants ME back because of the divorce cost (child/spousal support).
Here is your answer: They do NOT love their kids, not really and if they say they do, they have something in mind.
To make you understand what kind of damage narcissists can cause in their kids: Our daughter has a serious anxiety disorder and various forms of OCD. My son is better off but has issues to show his emotions. He bottled in all negative emotions and at some point, they will get out. He needs therapy, my daughter already goes to therapy.
This is what narcissists do with their kids: They destroy them, they do not love them.
An interesting observation: After my wife discarded us, we are and feel much better now. The daughter feels much better, my son opened up recently. We are doing great (considering the circumstances), as if something bad in our life just disappeared and finally allowed us to heal in peace.
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Are narcissists capable of loving their children? That seems to be a painful question, doesn't it? Having children with a narcissist or being the child of one is especially painful. After all, are they truly capable of providing the nurturing, compassion, and unconditional positive regard a child needs to thrive?
Is it still possible for them to be decent parents, despite their concerning personalities? You likely wonder if your narcissistic parents are capable of truly loving you if you're their child. It may seem, from your perspective, that they cannot love anyone. You're constantly criticized, you're made to question your judgment, and you're never supported.
If you feel that you can't please your parents, it's likely that you don't know how. Despite your best efforts, you are never able to make them happy. As a result of all of this, you might wonder if they can love you at all or even if they can love anyone at all.
There's no way to tell what a narcissistic parent is truly feeling, but the parent's love isn't unconditional because narcissistic parents can't communicate their emotions well. Children are expected to behave according to their parent's wishes in order to earn their parents' love.
You are unlikely to receive love from narcissistic parents even if you do everything they want. The toxic parent will only do that if they feel they are owed something, but it's important to explore more deeply how they feel about their children.
Every area of a child's development can be affected by a narcissistic parent. It usually begins even before the child is born. The parent likely already has unrealistic expectations about the child's behavior in the world.
Even in infancy, the narcissist shows signs of anger, surprise, or confusion when the child is in need. Children raised by narcissistic parents often struggle with recognizing and understanding their emotions as they develop. Parents often expect their children to do as they grow up.
In order to manipulate the child's development, they often adopt toxic behaviors once they realize the child is developing their own identity independently of their own.
Due to their own dysfunction, narcissists do not realize the impact of their actions on their children. It is hard for them to realize how impactful their actions have been. They even believe themselves to be experts in parenting! In their opinion, the world would be a much better place if everyone raised their children like them!
A narcissist cannot own up to his mistakes because he cannot take responsibility for them. They don't realize that their mistakes are mistakes in the first place. They always attribute blame to someone or something else in our lives- the other parent, the child, the teacher, the day of the week, the neighbor's dog, etc.
Additionally, children of narcissists aren't always respected by their parents. Narcissists can disappoint, anger, or embarrass them. The child might be cut off if their behavior consistently deviates from their expectations.
Children are often perceived as mere accessories by narcissists instead of as unique individuals with unique personalities.
In other words, narcissists can use children in whatever way they think will benefit them- as a best friend, a punching bag, or even a success story. Moreover, these needs are often subject to change, and as such, they can be unpredictable.
However, their love can also be conditional, which means if you disobey them, do not do what they want, or confront them, you'll likely receive an angry, hurtful, and illogical reaction that will not feel like love at all.
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I think my mother is narcissistic. I think she thinks she loves us. It took 40 years before I realized something was wrong with her because I grew up believing everything she told me was correct.
I remember once my bigger brother asked my mother who his father was, he was about 7 and my mother told him that his father had raped her and thatโs who his father was. Another time a jogger ran past and my mother told my bigger brother that โthat man is your father and heโs running away because he recognized meโ. Thatโs the sort of love she provided. I was lucky because I was her favorite.
Later on when I got away from her and had my own children I started to compare how I treated my kids (no psychological warfare, no violence) with how she treated us and realized there was no way I could ever do what she had done to us to my kids and thatโs when I realized something was seriously wrong with my upbringing.
Of my siblings all have generalized anxiety, all failed school, 1 suicided, 3 suffer from drug alcohol addictionโฆ
Iโm luckily relatively normal except for anxiety, no addictions, no poor behaviors however 5 years ago I confronted my mother with her behavior and now I am ex-communicated from my family. But at least Iโm safer that way.
In view of that, if she is has narcissistic personality disorder and her behavior is typical, I think NO they donโt and canโt love you. Instead they seem to use their children like vampires without any regard for your wellbeing for their own odd needs and purposes.
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The answer to this is simple, no. Narcissists are not capable of love, empathy or care for anyone but themselves. Narcissists are selfish, manipulative individuals who long only to satisfy their own desires and needs. Therefore, they have children only to gain narcissistic supply i.e. their wants and needs fulfilled. After all, children trust their parents and so when they're young do as their parents say or demand of them. Narcissistic parents, particularly mothers from my experience through my boyfriend, corrupt the entire family into a triangular dynamic where all communication between the family goes through her (the narcissist) therefore they can corrupt the stories and make up lies to suit themselves. Narcissists turn the other parent and siblings all off each other through manipulation, lies and control. What mother or father does this? What mother wouldnโt want her sons to get along? I find narcissism very difficult to comprehend.
Children are brainwashed by the narcissist and from a very young age are taught to fear her narcissistic rage. Therefore they learn to keep the peace. The narcissist tells the child who they areโฆโyou know you need meโ โyou know you're selfishโ โyou know you aren't confident around othersโ โyou know you can't stand up for yourselfโ โyou have ADHDโ the narcissist plants these thoughts into their children from a very young age, making them dependent on them. These children then have this image of themselves thatโs not their authentic self, how is this allowed? How do narcissists disguise themselves as everyday people when they are the most toxic, invisibility abusive individuals?!?!?
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This may be a difficult pill to swallow, but the sooner you accept the truth, the safer you will be, and the sooner you can get on the road to recovery.
Listen up Golden Children. Listen up Scapegoat Kids. This answer applies to both of you in equal measurements.
The narcissist father of my two sons has already answered this question. The catch is, you must read his actions, instead of listening to his words.
A narcissist's words are always untrue. His words are the targeted audience's favorite thoughts and beliefs, and the listener soon loves the narcissist just as much as these. The narcissist uses words and rhetoric like a snake charmer uses a flute. In the blink of an eye, the audience is in thrall. Like the charmed snake, they are unable to take their eyes away from the narcissistโs version of reality, even when the truth is so easy to see. Talk is cheap and none more so than the narcissist's.
My children's abuser, the man who fought for custody in the divorce Courts because he feared for their safety when they were in my care, let his mask irrevocably slip and revealed his self serving black soul.
Their father makes his living repairing Harley's. One night, his shop was broken into and a couple of motorcycles stolen. To get the bikes back, their father decided to do a home invasion on the suspectโs house.
My two sons and their father dress up in black and gather together the guns they will take. Both of my son's are wearing Kevlar vests (bullet proof).
Keep in mind that their father has enough inventory in the shop to build at least twenty bikes just like the one's stolen. At this point, the home invasion doesn't have any thing to do with the vehicles, and has everything to do with their fatherโs ego.
Right before the three of them are going to storm The door, their father turns to the youngest boy and asks if he can borrow his Kevlar vest. In silence, my son handed his vest to his father. His father placed the vest on himself, and the three of them entered the house.
They were able to get one of the bikes back. My son, his brother, nor their father, ever spoke of the vest again. It was seven years before I learned of the incident. My youngest son kept that painful experience bottled up inside of him. To speak of it meant having to acknowledge that his father deemed him to have the least value.
Actions speak louder than words. The Golden Child thinks they are profiting from the narcissist, but they only receive table scraps and items the narcissist doesn't want.
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No, they donโt!! Narcissists have their own definition of what love means to them. I left the covert 8 months ago but our child stayed with him due to college was closer to where his home was located. I will say that I hated when our child found out what he was really like underneath the mask after I had left him.
Narcissists will see everything as a competition from parenting all the way down to competing with the next door neighbors. The covert narcissist that I had a child from would buy our child expensive things just to make himself look like the better parent.
He would always take whatever gifts that I would buy for our child and would destroy them and immediately go and buy something more expensive and would give it to our child. He would constantly remind our child how everything that our child has belongs to him because he purchased it. That was his definition of love. As the years went by, the covert narcissist got physical with our child and the cops were called.
The covert narcissist got so angry about this and withdrew all of her Prepaid College fund that he had paid off years ago and withdrew all of the funds while she was attending college so that she would be purposely devastated and worried as to how her college tuition will be paid. The covert narcissist now has a court date for this incident and is still childish as hell by withholding our childโs personal belongings in the home that they both resided in at the time. He also took away the car that he had purchased for our child to get back and forth to college. Our child has sent him a Letter of Demand for the personal belongings and he still will not budge. Now our child has filed a small claims court action to recover the personal belongings. Like Iโve always said, narcissists are very unintelligent and will do the most idiotic things. Letโs think about itโฆ.If your livelihood depends on your own child showing up in court to possibly testify against you, should you still continue to play these games?
Nothing that the narcissist does for you is ever really genuine. There is usually something attached to it or they will take it away from you as a punishment or to make you suffer.
No, they do not love their children because they have their own definition of what a loving parent is to them. I mean these creatures can make the most idiotic choices. I can care less about those out there that do feel narcissists are intelligent because some may have degrees and good paying jobs. To me, earning a number of degrees and having high paying jobs is not what makes the narcissist intelligent. Itโs them studying you like theyโre earning a PhD so that they can become better narcissists in the next relationship is how they get smarter and it has nothing to do with the number of degrees that the narcissist holds. Hell, Iโve met plenty of people who were book smart but didnโt have a lick of common sense. They sit up on their azzes in secrecy and study their current relationship with you so that they will learn what to do and what not to do in the next relationship.
Narcissists do not love you, their own children, and not even themselves. Once the main supply has been discarded and is no longer in the household with the narc then the narc will try to rely on a family member/children or even a damn pet as a source of supply. If that doesnโt pan out then some narcs will become violent because they come to the realization that they are no longer in a comfort zone.
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Everything stated here is my truth, no matter how insane it can sound.
Do narcissists love their children?
The answer is that there is no such thing as children.
If you have full blown NPD you cannot understand what being a being means.
The concept of someone outside the inner self is not there.
There are only two things: me and ennemies (โโnot meโโ).
Mild case NPD
Story of my close family:
My father has 4 daugthers. 2 from a first wife, 2 from a second wife. Gap of 15 years between the oldest and youngest girls. I am the youngest girl.
In his first family, he tried to enslave the wife, scapegoat the older girl and golden praise the younger girl. The wife was a police officer, after a while she had enough and kicked him out. He never raised his 2 first daugthers. The younger one kept contact with him over the years (never more than once a year, if any) and the older one went no contact for good.
In his second family, he tried to enslave the wife, scapegoat the younger girl and golden praise the older girl. The wife (my mother) was a highly disordered individual, that was forced through 10+ years of incest from her father and older brother. When she left my father after few years of abusive marriage, she left him everything (the house, the kids) and crashed psychologically alone in her pain. During that time, my father sold the house, sold everything we owned even our toys, put me and my sister in a foster home, and left. Naturally, my mother didnโt know about his decisions and when she learned less than 6 months after she started the divorce that her kids were now in a foster home and that my father was long gone, she tried to commit suicide. But she failed and came back to take us after 2 years of foster home. While I was in my foster home, the lady there did bring me and my sister to visit my mother in the mental hospital she was held in. I remember bringing her clothes because she didnโt have any since when you try to commit suicide and die for a little time, your body empties itself of many of its fluids, and therefore she didnโt have any clothes with her at the hospital.
When I came back from the foster home, I was 7 years old, and the conditions in which I was living with my mother and my sister were highly miserable. We were extremely poor, my mother was both mentally and physically very ill, I was alone with a traumatised 9 years old girl (my sister) and my insane mother and I became suicidal before reaching my 12 years old. I started doing drugs at 11 years old because I sincerely couldnโt cope with the insanity. You have no idea what it is like to go to school every morning and see healthy kids eating an healthy lunch in their clean clothes while you go home every noon just so nobody else can see that you have nothing to eat again today.
Let me explain to you what gaslight means, and why a NPD father is incapable to love his children.
Clothes
My father has a lot of money. He lives in a really nice house. Shiny car. Clean shoes. Every morning he takes his breakfast with that expensive cheese that doesnโt smell good. He has extra rooms in his place. But no place for me. Sometimes I would visit him. It was akward, because my clothes were such in a bad shape because of how poor I was at 7 years oldโฆ he was actually a bit embarassed to look at me. The only time my father bought me clothes, was when he wanted to bring me and my sister into his family for holidays. Because he knew that our looks (of me and my sister) were terrible, he would bring us shopping and chose for us what we would wear (we didnโt know a lot about shopping anyway). Normally my father wouldnโt spend money on us, but he did it because of how weird it would look to his family if he had 2 other children but the family never saw them. It would have raised suspicions about him. It is not normal to not have your children with you during the holidays when your children are less than 10 years old and that you are a sane man.
Most of the time, the clothes (the only clothes) that my father would bought me would not fit comfortably on me. I wouldnโt be feeling okay wearing them. Especially dresses. And because they were bought for the holidays they were rarely clothes that I could simply wear all year long at school because of their christmas style. They were just holidays clothing so he wouldnโt be embarassed by his children. In no moment did he tought that we needed help or that we could use clothes for the everyday thing. I spend my entire childhood with unappropriate footwear for winter and if my father would have said something about it, he would have said that it was bad of me to have such ugly shoes. But surely, I had to be greatful of how generous he was with me. I learned quickly how to stay quiet when I was in his presence. Never did I mentioned to him that my dress made me feel very inadequate at the party family, and even if I did, he wouldnโt have done anything about it. He didnโt care at the mall, he wonโt care now under the christmas tree.
Gaslight: Let me bring you in a shopping mall today, let me try to make you believe you are a princess in a castle, and letโs pretend together that we are a family under the family tree, show me I am a father to you. How do you answer to that when you are just starting to learn how to write and read? You donโt answer. You stay silent in the face of insanity. You stay silent.
House
I did asked him once to let me live with him, because of how poor I was and how insane my life was with my ill mother. Not only did he never offered me a key, he said 2 things:
- It is not possible to take me in, because his girlfriend wouldnโt agree (while he himself accepted an โโagreementโโ with her about forcing her to kick out her own children so he could move in with her and enslave her).
- It is not possible, because you, a 7 years old girl, refuse to come live with me, because you affirm living better at your motherโs place. You do not want to come live with me and you are responsible for your own decisions and I will respect your decisions because I care about you. You are my daughter and I love you. Be responsible for your decisions, understand?
Again, even if I was very young, hopeless, hurt and without any grounds on which to put myself and my beliefs, I learned quickly how to stay quiet with my father. You know, earing such a huge non sense when you are in such bad dispositionsโฆ it breaks your brain on first impact. I canโt imagine if I would have lived with him on a daily basis. I sincerely canโt imagine that. It is not possible to have a discussion or a conversation with my father. Not if you are his child.
I very rarely saw him, and sincerely, it was really not great when I visited him. I started no contact around 12 years old, when I started drugs. I chose drug over my father at that moment in my life and I swear to god I am grateful I did it. Nothing in life is more destructive than a NPD person. Not even drugs when you are a kid in an insane household.
School
In my teens things were hard. I quit school at 15 and escape my motherโs place. I never been homeless, but I couldnโt both go to school and work fulltime when I was 15 since I was living with the boyfriend I had then. At 17 I went back to school for good in order to finish my highschool.
Even though I wasnโt keeping contact with him, my sister did kept contact with my father (exactly like the first marriage daughters). During our late teens, my father had a special advice for me and my sister. He didnโt want us to go to school (you have to understand that by now, my sister and I are no longer his daughters but only the daughters of his ex-wife in his mind and therefore paying for our school is just not something he wants to do). Despise doing his best to brainwash my sister into quitting her college degree before she could finish it, my mother managed to convince my sister to obtain her degree. By the law my father is forced to pay for those things, he has a lot of money for it, and we literally have nothing else but the money he is forced to give us. This agreement has been settled when I just got out of the foster home. No matter what you can think about my mother, this situation is still not my fault and I did my best during my teens to earn money.
One day when I was 19, my path crossed the one of my father for no apparent reason. For the occasion, he stops and comes to talk to me. What seemed at first to be a normal conversation ended up being him telling me how, at 19 years old without a highschool degree, I was a failure that would never get a job because I was too old already, I didnโt fit the standards and basically my whole life was ruined. I had to quit school and really get ahead to make a living for myself.
That time, I did tried to reason him. Again, silence.
Naturally, I didnโt follow his advice and stayed in school.
Gaslight: making you believe society, or any system, works in another way than the way in which it is working.
My 20th birthday
What my father didnโt tell me on that day that we crossed each other, is that he had already started plans to bring me to court, stating that I was a thief stealing his money and that it wasnโt true that I was going to school. He taught that, since I left school from 15 to 17, the fact that I was now back to school for 2.5 years didnโt count for anything. I was a loser then, I am still a loser now, and no matter what I do with my will and actions, his script prevails.
So I went to court. I had obtain my highschool diploma only 3 weeks earlier and this week was my birthday. Today I am 20 years old. Today I have my degree. Today I am defending myself in court against a man I donโt know that affirms being my father.
I listened to my father say lies about how I was a liar, a cheater, that he wasnโt aware I was going to school and whatever lies. As if he never himself tried to convince me to quit. I said to the judge โโsir, I do not hide from my parents the fact that I frequent a schoolโโ. And that is how I won my case.
That is it. I made more than 40K out of this shit. What an asshole.
Man am I glad to go to school and to never have any news from my father ever again.
Gaslight: to this day, my father still believes that I owe him obediance, as a daughter towards her father, and he will allow himself to reclaim it anytime he deems appropriate, and that is why I am capable of a level of coldness that few people believe I can hold overtime.
University
Now my life is so successful. I was so successful with the first degree I got after my highschool, I found a university that paid me a whole degree. I am in physics and engineering.
I met this man. A PhD astrophysicist. He is a malignant narcissist that rapes first year young female students. Fortunately, he didnโt know how comfortable I am in a court room when it comes down to my education.
Did I tell you I donโt pay for my education?
Gaslight: being paid to stay silent when experiencing abuse from the ends of people that are supposed to care for you, to educate you and show you the way but are in fact a bunch of pedophiles looking to crash your inner child through your vagina.
Silence is my friend.
A narcissist does not love his children because there is no such thing as a child.
You know that pedophile I met?
His son is one of my classmate at the university and is my friend.
Nonetheless, that man still tried to coerce me to sex and abused me emotionally to do so. What can I say to my friend? He will never believe me, no matter how much money I prove to him the school gave to me.
What do you say in such a context?
You stay silent.
Silence is my friend.
Silence is my only real friend.
