This is a guide for personal development for INFJs. A compilation from what I read on the internet.
As I said in the title, INFJs could grow a lot by integrating their ESTP shadow. - benefit a lot from bring disagreeable and more in the action.
I read from Love Who that out of all 16 types, INFJ are the most likely type to gain benefits from being more disagreeable, my first thought was even ISFJ? But nevermind, I looked more into this and the more I read the more it makes sense.
I've seen a lot of posts here on PerC about INFJs that "are you a doormat?", "are you a people pleaser in the INFJ forum?".
Well, I think that comes from not integrating your shadow, not being more like an ESTP when you should have.
How can you be polite without being weak? You can be polite and combative when needed. You don't have to always do that, just bring it as part of yourself, as part of your skills. You can be polite and kind and accomodating in general. But also develop your Se and doing things in the moment, even working out, because we all know bad things happen when INFJs do not use their Se. You will still use it, but in a more abusive and irrational way. Like substance abuse and generally doing stupid stuff. So you can benefit a lot from being more in the moment more often. And also making the difference between an unnecessary conflict and a necessary conflict. INFJs are already good with unnecessary conflict, it's what they are designed to do, it's their Fe, to avoid being combative and so on, to avoid useless discussions that don't lead anywhere and so on. Where INFJs naturally struggle and have a problem with is necessary conflict, where you have to create conflict, because otherwise you will got the short end of the stick. Not only when you are threatened physically, although that is a case as well, where you should fight back, if you didn't start it, you're not the bad guy here, it's them. But when for example you make a reservation at a restaurant and they just gave it to someone else. An INFJ should be able to call their rights. And I'm not saying "fight them", but telling them how the situation is, telling them what they've done. And telling them that if they don't correct this situation right away you will give them a bad review as well as call their manager and explain to them what already happened. It's not being a Karen because (a) you do it calmly, the Karen explodes, (b) it's a justified situation, you had a reservation, you had an agreement, you had a contract, and they didn't keep their end of the deal. It's not like Karen being mad that the floor is too wet.
An ESTP would have no problems doing that. Even an INTJ. But an INFJ needs to learn that because it's not in their nature, but, it's not in their nature but it's in their shadow. So they still have that part of themselves, it just isn't activated yet.
It's like, if you bully and push around an INFJ long enough they will fight back, they will eventually have back because they have that inf-Se. But how long until they will fight back? well, that depends on how integrated their Se is and how good their relation with their Se is. Are they at the point where they deny the use and the usefulness of Se altogether? And keep pushing Ni on steroids to avoid Se? or are they at the point where "ok, Se is very useful, and I'm very bad with this, so I need to learn more Se skill, to learn more how to be in the moment and take action instantly, like a warrior in the middle of the battlefield, reacting to stimuli instant on an instance". Or do they have their shadow integrated and are able to fight back instantly with no delay?
That's what integrating your shadow is all about, being more like the type that is opposite to you (you still have the same functions but in reverse order, so it's not really "opposite" it's just opposite order, you have more things in common with an ESTP than ESFP or ESTJ), so you can be a more balanced individual.
And I think INFJ have that, just don't always use it. Because they don't always integrate their shadow.
In fact, INFJs do that to the point where if a friend has done something that bothers them, they don't even mention it most of the time. Do mention it. But mention it in a cooperative way, not a combative way. Like "look, you did this and it made me do that", "it made me feel bad that you did this", "I didn't really liked/appreciated that". Not in a combative way where you put blame on them. But in a cooperative way where you explain what happened and what made you feel bad with the purpose that it won't happen again because hopefully they care about you since they are your friends.
But if you never communicate, how are they ever supposed to know? I know it's hard for an INFJ to communicate their inconveniences, may even feel like a "betaryal of yourself", but how else are you going to lead to and develop a much healthy relationship where both parties know what the other party wants and uspets them? As I said, the goal is cooperation, you can't really have cooperation if you never communicate. It's like playing a football game but no player talks to one another.
About this constrast and integrating their shadow with the INFJs:
One of the appeals of the healthy and developed INFJs in dating is that they are that perfect mix of good guys as in decency and kindness and sensitivity and care and treat you right as in love bomb make you feel the most amazing person in the world around them and with them, but at the same time that bad boy side can fight back for myself can stand my ground with decency in general and also that darkness and being able to stand up for themselves. They are at the both extremes both at the same time, without being at either of them constantly, and this is great. They have that bad boy as in that capacity for violence when necessary. Yet they are kind and very loving in general but not a sheep.
Not a victim, but not a brute either. Diplomatic, they will try to defuse the situation, and when they can't to stand up for themselves, in the most diplomatic way first, but then if they can't stand up they will. When they feel a certain line has been cross that isn't worth it. When they feel that a certain line hasn't been cross they can talk it out, or even be "pushy-diplomatic" about it like that example with "the restaurant where you made a reservation but they cancelled it", but when they feel a certain line has been crossed an isn't worth it anymore, fine, let's do it. It's this combo of hugging a baby and then uzing a bazzoka with no transition within the same day that makes the NFJ an interesting character. There is something weird about the healthy and developed INFJs, for an ESTP you can expect that if you push his buttons to hard he will eventually jump for a fight, for an INFJ even if healthy and developed he ain't going to be the same, it's going to take a longer pushing the buttons for an INFJ than ESTP, first because they try to be diplomatic and second because their natural tendency isn't that they just have a shadow for that, but when you did and crossed that threshold is just like an ESTP. So it has a harder starting time because the ESTP is a natural at that while for the INFJ is just the shadow, which I consider it a positive to be diplomatic and try to defuse the situation first but might be my own type bias talking, an ESTP could argue that "no, it's better this way", but eventually the result is the same. What is weird about it, is that for an ESTP you would expect that, for an INFJ it comes out of nowhere. It's like a war starts and you have an ESTP soldier and they pick a bazooka, yeah, you expected that, but then a war starts and you have an INFJ nurse who took care of children and then they pick a bazooka, like WTF that came out of nowhere? it's one of the many dualities of the INFJ, but it's a healthy thing, because the world is not full of people who want to give you cooperative win-win situations. And yes, it's important to be understanding, but also to fight back for your rights when they aren't, because you can be understanding but they won't, it takes 2 to tango, so be understanding and be communicative first, try to fix the situation to untangle the mess, but if they aren't, you know what to do, pick up that bazooka, use your ESTP shadow, because there's no understanding or communication or reason with them. If they don't want to give you cooperative win-win situations and you talked it through, so be it. Be like that, do that, love bomb, all that, combined with that decency and stand up for yourself, that's the combo, the perfect combo. It takes practice and learning but it's good. For the INFJ, it takes practice in picking up that bazooka, using your Se, which doesn't mean always being destructive as I said the example with "you made a reservation at a restaurant and they cancelled it" or even "telling your friends in a cooperative and friendly way that what they did you didn't like or made you upset in a cooperative way so you can have harmony as well", because most of the time people "dissapoint" INFJs because INFJs don't communicate, not because those people do not have the INFJs best intentions at heart, and if they don't have the INFJs best intentions at heart, well, the bazooka is there, cut them from your life or whatever. Other types seem to have a different road, but this seems to be the road for personal development for the INFJ. They are naturally good, and need to learn to be "bad" so to speak.
But what about Hitler or Bin Laden? How are they naturally good? Hitler or Bin Laden had a very weird Ni ideas. I'm talking about a development of Se here. Completely different things. As for the evil ESTP like Hermann Goering, Al Capone, the INFJ will never be able to do that because they don't have it in them, it's just their shadow, not their natural part, usually INFJ bad comes from a very weird Ni rather than from a very weird and unhealthy Se. INFJs being the first to throw the punch which is what a very weird and unhealthy Se would do is almost unheard of, because again, it's their shadow, not their nature, part of their nature, but not the dominant part of their nature, the dominant part of their nature is the INFJ stuff. Which is why it needs the shadow to be balanced with that.
INFJs are not mystics. INFJs are not magic? puts my wizard staff away. I often heard INFJ being called "the good INTJ", meaning having that planning and foreshadowing of an INTJ but combined with the sensitive nature of INFP, rather than the cold calculated nature of the INTJ. Don't get me wrong, INFJs are calculated as well, they have calculating Ti as well as Ni-dom after all, but it's often because of that byproduct of having the kindness and sensitivity of an INFP, they don't get put into the "cold calculated bastard" bucket, despite being pretty "cold and calculated" on the inside.
That's a more realistic stereotype in my opinion. Still a stereotype, but more realistic that INFJ are magic or INFJ are perfect. And the dark side. I read somewhere that out of all types, INFJs have the best access to their subconscious, their subconscious communicates the best with their conscious. Which is why INFJ are more likely to be aware of their shadow than any other type. The shadow being the concept in psychology about the part you consider bad about yourself that you repress. But really, your shadow or the "part you consider bad about yourself" is just trying to protect you. So what a healthy person should do is accept and integrate their shadow rather than repress it.
INFJs are aware of their bad side. And I think this works as a perk because the more aware you are of something the more you can control it. The brute guy who is being an ahole and is pissing everyone off, yeah, he doesn't think he's being an ahole, he thinks he's being good, despite being bad. He's not aware of his shadow. So his shadow controls him without even knowing. The byproduct of this is that INFJs also enjoy dark humor a lot. Like in a weird way, the worse, the better.
Don't worry, a study showed that people who enjoy dark humor are not usually that evil, so you're safe. In my experience also, people who enjoy dark humor are usually safe. It's the psychopaths and sociopaths that don't find anything funny in dark humor because they find it normal. Morally, INFJs are all over the place: Mahatma Gandhi - fought for the indepdence of India by starving himself to death. Also had some weird things going on for him, but that's again going into the Ni realm. Plato - one of the greatest philosophers of ancient Greece. Also had some weird things going on for him in "the Republic" but again that's more going into the Ni stuff. You can see that his opposite Aristotle ENTJ is more sturdy, Plato being with the republic and Aristotle with authoritarianship. Thomas Jefferson - wrote the declaration of independece "all men are created equal" and fought against slavery in Virginia. Had slaves*. I'm starting to see a pattern here with INFJs doing weird things because of Ni. Well, to be fair with him, he did try to ban the slave trade and said he needed slaves to keep his financial status situated, he needed to participate in the system to break the system which is a very INFJ thing to do. And his slave mistress went with him to Paris and back, where they didn't have slaves, so she could have just left. Well, there's an argument how much she could have just left in practice despite being a free person in theory, but point is this is all ambigous and debateable stuff. Dante Alighieri - great writer, love his work. The first religious science-fiction that became cannon afterwards. The hell with lava and purgatory? yeah, not in the Bible, Dante wrote it.
I find in interesting that in INFJ even in the good guys, there's usually an asterix for them, so no, not perfect. Sometimes pragmatic (you can't be rich and maintain your wealth and become a politican because of your wealth and abolish slavery because you become a politian, if you don't have slaves to be rich in the first place in 19th century America), but not perfect.
And the bad ones, ooh, the bad ones, they were really bad. But oddly enough, they thought they had good reasons for it. Stalin was like "yeah, I'm a dictator", Hitler was like "no, I'm trying to save Germany", in the end the result was the same if not worse for Hitler but it's the mindset that matters, again that Ni weird stuff. Adolf Hitler, mad that they lost the war, felt betrayed by some people, wanted to do justice to Germany and work with the germans for that justice. Osama bin Laden, mad that the Americans intervene in the Middle East, his stated motivation for 9/11 is that whenever a kid in the middle east is killed by the Americans nobody cries, he will make them cry, wanted to do justice to the Middle East. Leon Trotsky, one of the romantics of communism, he actually believed in it and thought it will bring peace and prosperity, unlike Stalin, who was only doing it for personal power. Chiang Kai-shek, actually wanted to restore democracy after his reign, his wife thoroughly studies democracies at his request, and was the one who was willingly beaten by Mao Zedong who made China communist. He knew that if he fights the Japanese and takes the grind then his army would be weaken and lose to the communists, but seeing that Mao Zedong was not willing to intervene, it was either Mao Zedong or Japanese occupation. He was authoritarian but authoritarian with the goal to restore the republic, he stated that after China is whole again he will restore the republic and step down. He also believed that the ends justifies the means and took drastic measures sometimes, which again weird Ni stuff. He said he wished for peace and prosperity in China under a demoractically elected republic. His army eventually left China and became Taiwan, so he may have had a point. And when the Japanese attacked, he noticed that the Communists were hesitnat, waiting for the civil war that will come afterwards, he didn't care, the took the blunt of the attack either way, being the meat grinder for the Japanese while the Chinese Communists wait and rebuild their forces, he argued that should they lose it's better to live under a Chinese state be it communist rather than a Japanese dictatorship. Again, all of them evil, but even in the bad evil INFJs, you can see that there is an asterix in them, just like there is for the good INFJs.
Weirdly, there can be seen some 'good' in the bad INFJs as well, 'good' as in they have a twisted version of justice, really twisted, but they all wanted to do justice in the end. It's not like any of them was Chaotic Evil as you may see in other types. They had a moral code, a code of conduct, but it was a weird and twisted one. And very revengeful. But often revenge and justice is just a matter of perspective, a hero is a villain of the other side. Ok, weird Ni talk here, ok, get back in there boy. Okay, this was more of an off-topic going Ni-side than talking about the Se which is the point of this personal development.
And there's also some celebrities: Marilyn Manson and Al Pacino who have some weird styles, unique in their own way. Without being actually evil. And of course Benedict Cumberbatch, probably the most non-INFJ looking INFJ. Anyway, getting off-topic, we are not here to talk about Ni but Se. Just make sure you don't do weird Ni stuff. The subjective functions are just that, subjective, just like INFP can be either completetly good or bad with their Fi values, INFJs can be either completely good or bad with their Ni ideas.
In conclusion about INFJs:
They have that "alpha", "Chad" like ESTP in them. It's their shadow type. So they do have those "traces of Chad" in them. (90% of action heroes from the 80s are a stereotypical ESTP for the record)
And in fact, integrating that can lead to a very balanced individual. INFJ are already very sensitive by default, so imagine having an individual who is the balance from last one. Having all the 3 qualities : alpha, sensitive, other. In a very weird way, you know what I mean from the previous talk.
For context: I know ESTP being "the Chad" or "the alpha" is a stereotype but I'm using that as an archetype to illustrate a point. And I know ESTP aren't all just bad, I mean they can be bullies, have the potential, but not all of them are bullies, most aren't, and the "fighting nature" or "the Chad" or "the alpha" isn't everything about ESTP, but again, as I said, I'm using an archetype to illustrate a point, this isn't a full-fledged description of the ESTP just an archetype/facet of the ESTP to illustrate a point.
Being polite can be helpful, but still have that trace of "Chad" or "fight back" if anyone does you wrong, it can make people more willing to do what you want, those who are willing to be disagreeable at first, because of the consequences. With good people you won't have this problem, it's with bad people that you need to have these skills with and it's very useful to have them. It's good to be good, to be nice, kind and helpful, but if that is all that you are, you're a doormat, even with friends, because you're not communicating what you want and what you like. You should be able to know when to say "no" and put the foot in the floor. You should be able to tell the difference between a cooperative win-win situation, a corrosive win-lose situation where you are the one on the lose, either because you don't state your needs which your fault or they try to take advantage of you and which their fault and try to deal with them, diplomatically at first then cut them down from your life, or a combatative win-lose situation where the relationships are openly hostile there's no trace or hint on friendship there and you should be able to be like a Karen or reasonable Karen more said like I said in the example with "at a restaurant where you made a reservation and they cancelled your reservation" and fight back instantly if you're bullied or pushed around just like an ESTP, or your ESTP shadow, would, and accept nothing but the cooperative win-win situation. Cooperative win-win, if I can have that, great, if not, it's okay, I can have conflict to get that cooperative win-win eventually, whether you like it or not, you won't push me into submission, I know my rights, and I accept nothing but the cooperative win-win situation. When you are nice because you have no choice but to be nice, it's not valuable. And there is no shortage of people in this world who will take advantage of you/that. When you are nice because you can be bad but decide not to, it's valued. Not by everyone, but this is how most people are. That's what an INFJ who is in touch with its ESTP shadow is like, a person who is generally nice because that's his nature, but if he has to or decides to he can be bad when the situation and enviroment call for it, as in people not giving you win-win situations, but try to take advantage of you and make you the fool in some way, you should fight back and not stand for that, tap into that ESTP shadow energy.
Here is an INTP Fe rant that I think is interesting: "People do not like nice people, and this whole logical conclusion in your head that well if I'm nice to them they're going to be nice to me, that is totally not true, and even if they are nice to you to your face, they are probably talking about you behind your back saying how weird you are, and make them feel. Now, people that are good at being nice such as these Fe dominants that can get on people's level emotionally and can give them some comfort, those nice people do work. But the kind of nice the INTP gives off, I'm nice so you can be nice to me, does not work. I would go so far to say that the more nice an INTP is to people the less people are going to like the INTP. This Fe nightmare where we try to connect with people, we try to get people to like us, and in turn, doing that is making people not like us. Confidence really is the key, people honestly don't care what you say, people care how you say it. You can say the dumbest thing you've ever said in your life, if you say it in a confident manner they're going to listen to you and they're going to like what they're hearing. But this isn't just about saying things confidently, it's just about being confident in yourself. Being very sure in yourself, people want to go with people that are sure of themselves because, if you don't believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to believe in you? you're saying 'like me', 'like me', but you don't even like yourself. You're not confident enough to stand there, say what you're going to say, and not care what anybody else thinks. And this is not going to happen overnight, you might get a rush of adrenaline and say 'starting tomorrow I'm going to be more confident' but that's not how it works, you need to start working on things that will make you more confident, working out everyday, working on that project that you really care about is really your goal, showing up to the party that you got invited to even though you got nobody to go with and you don't really know anybody, just still going, show everybody that 'I'm confident, I don't care if there is nobody here I really know, I'm going to go and I'm going to try and have a good time' and then when you go home from that party you're going to feel so confident in yourself because you did that for yourself, before you would never even think of going to a party where you wouldn't know anybody. But you just stepped out of your comfort zone and did it, this is working very hard at your job so you work yourself up the corporate ladder and make more money for yourself, have more money stashed in the bank, but honestly you don't even really need these things to be confident in yourself, it's just helpful. So what you need to do everyday is wake up and say 'how am I going to improve my confidence today? what am I going to do to get to this point where I'm confident all the time? just being an INTP should make you confident, you're going to be able to solve complex problems like nobody else, you're going to bring so much to the table in terms of your thinking, just because people can do the small talk better than you that doesn't mean that they bring more to the table, you are going to bring the big ideas that blows everybody's mind and they're going to be like 'wow, he is really smart'. But this can get hindered by your Fe inferior you feel cautious about really coming off as confident, even though you have great ideas to share, because you feel like the things you are going to say may not make people like you. But you have to fight this feeling, you have to get more confidence in yourself, and that's really going to be the foundation for changing your life. Quit putting so much pressure on social situations, joke around, tease people, be witty. Do not be afraid to speak up concerning your opinion, be confident with your Ti. Quit trying to come up with the perfect thing to say that will make everybody laugh, quit feeling it's going to be the end of the world if you don't have a certain social connection with somebody. As INTP we know that having this Fe inferior really puts a lot of pressure on these social situations because we just want that person to like us, but like I said the more you try to get people to like you the less they're going to like you. Instead, impress with your intelect and speak up your mind, be confident in your Ti-dom. And the whole social thing guys is really easy, people hate the day-to-day boring conversations, people love to laugh, people love to joke around, so just do this, just joke around, tease people, be witty. Don't be just quiet most of the day. All the time joking with people, all the time laughing. There is a sense that everybody is having a good time, and it's because I just quit putting so much pressure on myself and I'm just kind of joking around all day. Because people want to joke around, people want to laugh, not to talk about boring day-to-day conversation. This grand theory in your mind that you have to have this to be socially well off, you have to say the right words, the exact right thing to get people to like you, is just BS. It's just not true, just really, go into a social situation, and say how can I make this person laugh? if you can get people laughing around you they're going to want to be around you, they're going to love your sense of humor. And this goes really for dating situations too, if you're trying to get a date, quit walking up to the man or woman standing up straight, having the perfect body position, having the perfect pick-up line that you've gone over for 3 weeks, and just think, how can I make her or him laugh? just joke around guys, it's not that hard. You will not believe how easy social situations become when you just joke around, and also have the ultra skill of Ti being smart. Joke around. INTP have a very dry sense of humor, we say a lot of awkward things, and if you can do these things in a funny manner, people are going to love you, they're going to say 'wow this person's really smart, they have the confidence to joke around all day, they don't take themselves that seriously', so I just tell you really try this, try to make fun of people, try to make fun of social situations, try to make fun of the person that just said that slightly weird thing, when they make the funny noise to add to their story saying 'what was that again?', or make them do it again or just laugh about it. Putting way too much pressure on yourself, and once you're doing these things, and you're start realising this stuff works, that's when that's going to build your confidence, you're going to be better with people. Also, do not be afraid to speak up concerning your opinion, if you have a well thought out point to make, do not be afraid of saying it even if others are going to disagree, this could be politics, say I agree or disagree with this political point, and when people come back with you with arguments of why you're wrong, why you're wrong, why you don't make any sense, you're going to be able to be coming right back at them and say 'well, your point doesn't make any sense', you're going to pick apart their argument point by point. Don't be afraid to pick apart their argument point by point. Because that's going to show them this isn't a person to be messed around with. I'm noticing on facebook when I'm arguing with people and other people that's on my side jump in to the argument, what will happen all the time is that they'll respond to these other people, they'll just almost ignore my comment because there's nothing that they can logically say to best me. To really be confident in your thinking, really give it to people when needed, it's going to come off as very confident, it's going to come off as very, if I disagree with Tyler on something I better come up with some really good arguments. I better bring my facts because he's going to take me down. And that person is really going to respect you more for that. And quit being overly nice, butt kisser. I'm not talking about please, thank you, typically tipping your waiter, all that crap, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about 'oh, how was your weekend?', 'did you do anything fun?', 'wow, that sounds really interesting', as I said, just make people laugh. Quit doing that sort of thing because: 1, nobody cares. You honestly probably don't even care. 2, people hate butt kissers, get out of this Fe nightmare that you built for yourself, that you're in, trying to connect with people, trying to make people like you, because it just has the opposite effect. If you really want to know who the most succesful person is, is Se dominants, when it comes to dating, when it comes to getting people on their side, it's ESTP, it's ESFP, these people are not nice, they're going to be in your face, and this is what really attract people. You might think you're logically, all sexy, but it's not, it's saying what you need to say, even at moments getting into people's faces, that is going to be considered sexy. Getting into people's faces and not being nice. I'm not saying 'be mean', I'm saying 'just don't be overly nice, don't be a butt kisser, because if you do this, people just aren't going to like you. Ways you can improve this is go out of your way to practice social skills everyday. This is like a musscle, like the gym, it has to be worked on every single day to get a little bit better, and when you work on this, you may feel a little drained the next day, but the next time, you go out and do it it's going to be easer, and you're going to be a little less drained, keep doing it a little bit every day what you're going to find is, social skills is just a learned practice and it's not that hard. It's not that hard to gain social skills as you're making it out to be. And really the key is just making people laugh. Always having that little sly smile on your face when you look at somebody. And it's not only about making people laugh, it's having a confidence to at least try to make them laugh. If you tell a joke and it bombs, nobody laughs or nobody chuckles whatsoever, just say something funny about that, say 'well, I'm never going to say that again, that didn't work', make fun of your own awkwardness. Trust me, people already, know you're awkward, that you come off as awkward, that you're too much in your head, but you can do is just make fun of yourself for this and that's just going to make people more comfortable with you, as you can look at yourself and say 'yes, I'm awkward', so this is going to the store instead of buying everything on amazon, this is going to the mall instead of ordering online, this is trying to hold eye contact with everyone you come across, this is standing in line at subway and the person in front of you looks nice and you say something to them, try to strike up a random conversation. If the converastion bombs, so what, at least you tried, you tried so next time you're going to be better. You tried to improve your social skills today, you should be proud for that. What you have to realise is failure is a stepping stone to success. If you don't see failure you won't see success either. If you don't have failures, you're never going to get what you want to get. This is in this case what you want to get is better social skills so you need to at least try and if you fail that's fine, at least you tried, if you do well, that's great. To just try to do this a little bit everyday to improve yourself."
Sort of like a "civilized barbarian" so to speak.
So INFJ will benefit a lot from having that combativeness in them, almost like an ENTJ. More than that, they already have it, they just need to activate it.
Be more ESTP.
As I said in the title, INFJs could grow a lot by integrating their ESTP shadow. - benefit a lot from bring disagreeable and more in the action.
I read from Love Who that out of all 16 types, INFJ are the most likely type to gain benefits from being more disagreeable, my first thought was even ISFJ? But nevermind, I looked more into this and the more I read the more it makes sense.
I've seen a lot of posts here on PerC about INFJs that "are you a doormat?", "are you a people pleaser in the INFJ forum?".
Well, I think that comes from not integrating your shadow, not being more like an ESTP when you should have.
How can you be polite without being weak? You can be polite and combative when needed. You don't have to always do that, just bring it as part of yourself, as part of your skills. You can be polite and kind and accomodating in general. But also develop your Se and doing things in the moment, even working out, because we all know bad things happen when INFJs do not use their Se. You will still use it, but in a more abusive and irrational way. Like substance abuse and generally doing stupid stuff. So you can benefit a lot from being more in the moment more often. And also making the difference between an unnecessary conflict and a necessary conflict. INFJs are already good with unnecessary conflict, it's what they are designed to do, it's their Fe, to avoid being combative and so on, to avoid useless discussions that don't lead anywhere and so on. Where INFJs naturally struggle and have a problem with is necessary conflict, where you have to create conflict, because otherwise you will got the short end of the stick. Not only when you are threatened physically, although that is a case as well, where you should fight back, if you didn't start it, you're not the bad guy here, it's them. But when for example you make a reservation at a restaurant and they just gave it to someone else. An INFJ should be able to call their rights. And I'm not saying "fight them", but telling them how the situation is, telling them what they've done. And telling them that if they don't correct this situation right away you will give them a bad review as well as call their manager and explain to them what already happened. It's not being a Karen because (a) you do it calmly, the Karen explodes, (b) it's a justified situation, you had a reservation, you had an agreement, you had a contract, and they didn't keep their end of the deal. It's not like Karen being mad that the floor is too wet.
An ESTP would have no problems doing that. Even an INTJ. But an INFJ needs to learn that because it's not in their nature, but, it's not in their nature but it's in their shadow. So they still have that part of themselves, it just isn't activated yet.
It's like, if you bully and push around an INFJ long enough they will fight back, they will eventually have back because they have that inf-Se. But how long until they will fight back? well, that depends on how integrated their Se is and how good their relation with their Se is. Are they at the point where they deny the use and the usefulness of Se altogether? And keep pushing Ni on steroids to avoid Se? or are they at the point where "ok, Se is very useful, and I'm very bad with this, so I need to learn more Se skill, to learn more how to be in the moment and take action instantly, like a warrior in the middle of the battlefield, reacting to stimuli instant on an instance". Or do they have their shadow integrated and are able to fight back instantly with no delay?
That's what integrating your shadow is all about, being more like the type that is opposite to you (you still have the same functions but in reverse order, so it's not really "opposite" it's just opposite order, you have more things in common with an ESTP than ESFP or ESTJ), so you can be a more balanced individual.
And I think INFJ have that, just don't always use it. Because they don't always integrate their shadow.
In fact, INFJs do that to the point where if a friend has done something that bothers them, they don't even mention it most of the time. Do mention it. But mention it in a cooperative way, not a combative way. Like "look, you did this and it made me do that", "it made me feel bad that you did this", "I didn't really liked/appreciated that". Not in a combative way where you put blame on them. But in a cooperative way where you explain what happened and what made you feel bad with the purpose that it won't happen again because hopefully they care about you since they are your friends.
But if you never communicate, how are they ever supposed to know? I know it's hard for an INFJ to communicate their inconveniences, may even feel like a "betaryal of yourself", but how else are you going to lead to and develop a much healthy relationship where both parties know what the other party wants and uspets them? As I said, the goal is cooperation, you can't really have cooperation if you never communicate. It's like playing a football game but no player talks to one another.
About this constrast and integrating their shadow with the INFJs:
One of the appeals of the healthy and developed INFJs in dating is that they are that perfect mix of good guys as in decency and kindness and sensitivity and care and treat you right as in love bomb make you feel the most amazing person in the world around them and with them, but at the same time that bad boy side can fight back for myself can stand my ground with decency in general and also that darkness and being able to stand up for themselves. They are at the both extremes both at the same time, without being at either of them constantly, and this is great. They have that bad boy as in that capacity for violence when necessary. Yet they are kind and very loving in general but not a sheep.
Not a victim, but not a brute either. Diplomatic, they will try to defuse the situation, and when they can't to stand up for themselves, in the most diplomatic way first, but then if they can't stand up they will. When they feel a certain line has been cross that isn't worth it. When they feel that a certain line hasn't been cross they can talk it out, or even be "pushy-diplomatic" about it like that example with "the restaurant where you made a reservation but they cancelled it", but when they feel a certain line has been crossed an isn't worth it anymore, fine, let's do it. It's this combo of hugging a baby and then uzing a bazzoka with no transition within the same day that makes the NFJ an interesting character. There is something weird about the healthy and developed INFJs, for an ESTP you can expect that if you push his buttons to hard he will eventually jump for a fight, for an INFJ even if healthy and developed he ain't going to be the same, it's going to take a longer pushing the buttons for an INFJ than ESTP, first because they try to be diplomatic and second because their natural tendency isn't that they just have a shadow for that, but when you did and crossed that threshold is just like an ESTP. So it has a harder starting time because the ESTP is a natural at that while for the INFJ is just the shadow, which I consider it a positive to be diplomatic and try to defuse the situation first but might be my own type bias talking, an ESTP could argue that "no, it's better this way", but eventually the result is the same. What is weird about it, is that for an ESTP you would expect that, for an INFJ it comes out of nowhere. It's like a war starts and you have an ESTP soldier and they pick a bazooka, yeah, you expected that, but then a war starts and you have an INFJ nurse who took care of children and then they pick a bazooka, like WTF that came out of nowhere? it's one of the many dualities of the INFJ, but it's a healthy thing, because the world is not full of people who want to give you cooperative win-win situations. And yes, it's important to be understanding, but also to fight back for your rights when they aren't, because you can be understanding but they won't, it takes 2 to tango, so be understanding and be communicative first, try to fix the situation to untangle the mess, but if they aren't, you know what to do, pick up that bazooka, use your ESTP shadow, because there's no understanding or communication or reason with them. If they don't want to give you cooperative win-win situations and you talked it through, so be it. Be like that, do that, love bomb, all that, combined with that decency and stand up for yourself, that's the combo, the perfect combo. It takes practice and learning but it's good. For the INFJ, it takes practice in picking up that bazooka, using your Se, which doesn't mean always being destructive as I said the example with "you made a reservation at a restaurant and they cancelled it" or even "telling your friends in a cooperative and friendly way that what they did you didn't like or made you upset in a cooperative way so you can have harmony as well", because most of the time people "dissapoint" INFJs because INFJs don't communicate, not because those people do not have the INFJs best intentions at heart, and if they don't have the INFJs best intentions at heart, well, the bazooka is there, cut them from your life or whatever. Other types seem to have a different road, but this seems to be the road for personal development for the INFJ. They are naturally good, and need to learn to be "bad" so to speak.
But what about Hitler or Bin Laden? How are they naturally good? Hitler or Bin Laden had a very weird Ni ideas. I'm talking about a development of Se here. Completely different things. As for the evil ESTP like Hermann Goering, Al Capone, the INFJ will never be able to do that because they don't have it in them, it's just their shadow, not their natural part, usually INFJ bad comes from a very weird Ni rather than from a very weird and unhealthy Se. INFJs being the first to throw the punch which is what a very weird and unhealthy Se would do is almost unheard of, because again, it's their shadow, not their nature, part of their nature, but not the dominant part of their nature, the dominant part of their nature is the INFJ stuff. Which is why it needs the shadow to be balanced with that.
INFJs are not mystics. INFJs are not magic? puts my wizard staff away. I often heard INFJ being called "the good INTJ", meaning having that planning and foreshadowing of an INTJ but combined with the sensitive nature of INFP, rather than the cold calculated nature of the INTJ. Don't get me wrong, INFJs are calculated as well, they have calculating Ti as well as Ni-dom after all, but it's often because of that byproduct of having the kindness and sensitivity of an INFP, they don't get put into the "cold calculated bastard" bucket, despite being pretty "cold and calculated" on the inside.
That's a more realistic stereotype in my opinion. Still a stereotype, but more realistic that INFJ are magic or INFJ are perfect. And the dark side. I read somewhere that out of all types, INFJs have the best access to their subconscious, their subconscious communicates the best with their conscious. Which is why INFJ are more likely to be aware of their shadow than any other type. The shadow being the concept in psychology about the part you consider bad about yourself that you repress. But really, your shadow or the "part you consider bad about yourself" is just trying to protect you. So what a healthy person should do is accept and integrate their shadow rather than repress it.
INFJs are aware of their bad side. And I think this works as a perk because the more aware you are of something the more you can control it. The brute guy who is being an ahole and is pissing everyone off, yeah, he doesn't think he's being an ahole, he thinks he's being good, despite being bad. He's not aware of his shadow. So his shadow controls him without even knowing. The byproduct of this is that INFJs also enjoy dark humor a lot. Like in a weird way, the worse, the better.
Don't worry, a study showed that people who enjoy dark humor are not usually that evil, so you're safe. In my experience also, people who enjoy dark humor are usually safe. It's the psychopaths and sociopaths that don't find anything funny in dark humor because they find it normal. Morally, INFJs are all over the place: Mahatma Gandhi - fought for the indepdence of India by starving himself to death. Also had some weird things going on for him, but that's again going into the Ni realm. Plato - one of the greatest philosophers of ancient Greece. Also had some weird things going on for him in "the Republic" but again that's more going into the Ni stuff. You can see that his opposite Aristotle ENTJ is more sturdy, Plato being with the republic and Aristotle with authoritarianship. Thomas Jefferson - wrote the declaration of independece "all men are created equal" and fought against slavery in Virginia. Had slaves*. I'm starting to see a pattern here with INFJs doing weird things because of Ni. Well, to be fair with him, he did try to ban the slave trade and said he needed slaves to keep his financial status situated, he needed to participate in the system to break the system which is a very INFJ thing to do. And his slave mistress went with him to Paris and back, where they didn't have slaves, so she could have just left. Well, there's an argument how much she could have just left in practice despite being a free person in theory, but point is this is all ambigous and debateable stuff. Dante Alighieri - great writer, love his work. The first religious science-fiction that became cannon afterwards. The hell with lava and purgatory? yeah, not in the Bible, Dante wrote it.
I find in interesting that in INFJ even in the good guys, there's usually an asterix for them, so no, not perfect. Sometimes pragmatic (you can't be rich and maintain your wealth and become a politican because of your wealth and abolish slavery because you become a politian, if you don't have slaves to be rich in the first place in 19th century America), but not perfect.
And the bad ones, ooh, the bad ones, they were really bad. But oddly enough, they thought they had good reasons for it. Stalin was like "yeah, I'm a dictator", Hitler was like "no, I'm trying to save Germany", in the end the result was the same if not worse for Hitler but it's the mindset that matters, again that Ni weird stuff. Adolf Hitler, mad that they lost the war, felt betrayed by some people, wanted to do justice to Germany and work with the germans for that justice. Osama bin Laden, mad that the Americans intervene in the Middle East, his stated motivation for 9/11 is that whenever a kid in the middle east is killed by the Americans nobody cries, he will make them cry, wanted to do justice to the Middle East. Leon Trotsky, one of the romantics of communism, he actually believed in it and thought it will bring peace and prosperity, unlike Stalin, who was only doing it for personal power. Chiang Kai-shek, actually wanted to restore democracy after his reign, his wife thoroughly studies democracies at his request, and was the one who was willingly beaten by Mao Zedong who made China communist. He knew that if he fights the Japanese and takes the grind then his army would be weaken and lose to the communists, but seeing that Mao Zedong was not willing to intervene, it was either Mao Zedong or Japanese occupation. He was authoritarian but authoritarian with the goal to restore the republic, he stated that after China is whole again he will restore the republic and step down. He also believed that the ends justifies the means and took drastic measures sometimes, which again weird Ni stuff. He said he wished for peace and prosperity in China under a demoractically elected republic. His army eventually left China and became Taiwan, so he may have had a point. And when the Japanese attacked, he noticed that the Communists were hesitnat, waiting for the civil war that will come afterwards, he didn't care, the took the blunt of the attack either way, being the meat grinder for the Japanese while the Chinese Communists wait and rebuild their forces, he argued that should they lose it's better to live under a Chinese state be it communist rather than a Japanese dictatorship. Again, all of them evil, but even in the bad evil INFJs, you can see that there is an asterix in them, just like there is for the good INFJs.
Weirdly, there can be seen some 'good' in the bad INFJs as well, 'good' as in they have a twisted version of justice, really twisted, but they all wanted to do justice in the end. It's not like any of them was Chaotic Evil as you may see in other types. They had a moral code, a code of conduct, but it was a weird and twisted one. And very revengeful. But often revenge and justice is just a matter of perspective, a hero is a villain of the other side. Ok, weird Ni talk here, ok, get back in there boy. Okay, this was more of an off-topic going Ni-side than talking about the Se which is the point of this personal development.
And there's also some celebrities: Marilyn Manson and Al Pacino who have some weird styles, unique in their own way. Without being actually evil. And of course Benedict Cumberbatch, probably the most non-INFJ looking INFJ. Anyway, getting off-topic, we are not here to talk about Ni but Se. Just make sure you don't do weird Ni stuff. The subjective functions are just that, subjective, just like INFP can be either completetly good or bad with their Fi values, INFJs can be either completely good or bad with their Ni ideas.
In conclusion about INFJs:
They have that "alpha", "Chad" like ESTP in them. It's their shadow type. So they do have those "traces of Chad" in them. (90% of action heroes from the 80s are a stereotypical ESTP for the record)
And in fact, integrating that can lead to a very balanced individual. INFJ are already very sensitive by default, so imagine having an individual who is the balance from last one. Having all the 3 qualities : alpha, sensitive, other. In a very weird way, you know what I mean from the previous talk.
For context: I know ESTP being "the Chad" or "the alpha" is a stereotype but I'm using that as an archetype to illustrate a point. And I know ESTP aren't all just bad, I mean they can be bullies, have the potential, but not all of them are bullies, most aren't, and the "fighting nature" or "the Chad" or "the alpha" isn't everything about ESTP, but again, as I said, I'm using an archetype to illustrate a point, this isn't a full-fledged description of the ESTP just an archetype/facet of the ESTP to illustrate a point.
Being polite can be helpful, but still have that trace of "Chad" or "fight back" if anyone does you wrong, it can make people more willing to do what you want, those who are willing to be disagreeable at first, because of the consequences. With good people you won't have this problem, it's with bad people that you need to have these skills with and it's very useful to have them. It's good to be good, to be nice, kind and helpful, but if that is all that you are, you're a doormat, even with friends, because you're not communicating what you want and what you like. You should be able to know when to say "no" and put the foot in the floor. You should be able to tell the difference between a cooperative win-win situation, a corrosive win-lose situation where you are the one on the lose, either because you don't state your needs which your fault or they try to take advantage of you and which their fault and try to deal with them, diplomatically at first then cut them down from your life, or a combatative win-lose situation where the relationships are openly hostile there's no trace or hint on friendship there and you should be able to be like a Karen or reasonable Karen more said like I said in the example with "at a restaurant where you made a reservation and they cancelled your reservation" and fight back instantly if you're bullied or pushed around just like an ESTP, or your ESTP shadow, would, and accept nothing but the cooperative win-win situation. Cooperative win-win, if I can have that, great, if not, it's okay, I can have conflict to get that cooperative win-win eventually, whether you like it or not, you won't push me into submission, I know my rights, and I accept nothing but the cooperative win-win situation. When you are nice because you have no choice but to be nice, it's not valuable. And there is no shortage of people in this world who will take advantage of you/that. When you are nice because you can be bad but decide not to, it's valued. Not by everyone, but this is how most people are. That's what an INFJ who is in touch with its ESTP shadow is like, a person who is generally nice because that's his nature, but if he has to or decides to he can be bad when the situation and enviroment call for it, as in people not giving you win-win situations, but try to take advantage of you and make you the fool in some way, you should fight back and not stand for that, tap into that ESTP shadow energy.
Here is an INTP Fe rant that I think is interesting: "People do not like nice people, and this whole logical conclusion in your head that well if I'm nice to them they're going to be nice to me, that is totally not true, and even if they are nice to you to your face, they are probably talking about you behind your back saying how weird you are, and make them feel. Now, people that are good at being nice such as these Fe dominants that can get on people's level emotionally and can give them some comfort, those nice people do work. But the kind of nice the INTP gives off, I'm nice so you can be nice to me, does not work. I would go so far to say that the more nice an INTP is to people the less people are going to like the INTP. This Fe nightmare where we try to connect with people, we try to get people to like us, and in turn, doing that is making people not like us. Confidence really is the key, people honestly don't care what you say, people care how you say it. You can say the dumbest thing you've ever said in your life, if you say it in a confident manner they're going to listen to you and they're going to like what they're hearing. But this isn't just about saying things confidently, it's just about being confident in yourself. Being very sure in yourself, people want to go with people that are sure of themselves because, if you don't believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to believe in you? you're saying 'like me', 'like me', but you don't even like yourself. You're not confident enough to stand there, say what you're going to say, and not care what anybody else thinks. And this is not going to happen overnight, you might get a rush of adrenaline and say 'starting tomorrow I'm going to be more confident' but that's not how it works, you need to start working on things that will make you more confident, working out everyday, working on that project that you really care about is really your goal, showing up to the party that you got invited to even though you got nobody to go with and you don't really know anybody, just still going, show everybody that 'I'm confident, I don't care if there is nobody here I really know, I'm going to go and I'm going to try and have a good time' and then when you go home from that party you're going to feel so confident in yourself because you did that for yourself, before you would never even think of going to a party where you wouldn't know anybody. But you just stepped out of your comfort zone and did it, this is working very hard at your job so you work yourself up the corporate ladder and make more money for yourself, have more money stashed in the bank, but honestly you don't even really need these things to be confident in yourself, it's just helpful. So what you need to do everyday is wake up and say 'how am I going to improve my confidence today? what am I going to do to get to this point where I'm confident all the time? just being an INTP should make you confident, you're going to be able to solve complex problems like nobody else, you're going to bring so much to the table in terms of your thinking, just because people can do the small talk better than you that doesn't mean that they bring more to the table, you are going to bring the big ideas that blows everybody's mind and they're going to be like 'wow, he is really smart'. But this can get hindered by your Fe inferior you feel cautious about really coming off as confident, even though you have great ideas to share, because you feel like the things you are going to say may not make people like you. But you have to fight this feeling, you have to get more confidence in yourself, and that's really going to be the foundation for changing your life. Quit putting so much pressure on social situations, joke around, tease people, be witty. Do not be afraid to speak up concerning your opinion, be confident with your Ti. Quit trying to come up with the perfect thing to say that will make everybody laugh, quit feeling it's going to be the end of the world if you don't have a certain social connection with somebody. As INTP we know that having this Fe inferior really puts a lot of pressure on these social situations because we just want that person to like us, but like I said the more you try to get people to like you the less they're going to like you. Instead, impress with your intelect and speak up your mind, be confident in your Ti-dom. And the whole social thing guys is really easy, people hate the day-to-day boring conversations, people love to laugh, people love to joke around, so just do this, just joke around, tease people, be witty. Don't be just quiet most of the day. All the time joking with people, all the time laughing. There is a sense that everybody is having a good time, and it's because I just quit putting so much pressure on myself and I'm just kind of joking around all day. Because people want to joke around, people want to laugh, not to talk about boring day-to-day conversation. This grand theory in your mind that you have to have this to be socially well off, you have to say the right words, the exact right thing to get people to like you, is just BS. It's just not true, just really, go into a social situation, and say how can I make this person laugh? if you can get people laughing around you they're going to want to be around you, they're going to love your sense of humor. And this goes really for dating situations too, if you're trying to get a date, quit walking up to the man or woman standing up straight, having the perfect body position, having the perfect pick-up line that you've gone over for 3 weeks, and just think, how can I make her or him laugh? just joke around guys, it's not that hard. You will not believe how easy social situations become when you just joke around, and also have the ultra skill of Ti being smart. Joke around. INTP have a very dry sense of humor, we say a lot of awkward things, and if you can do these things in a funny manner, people are going to love you, they're going to say 'wow this person's really smart, they have the confidence to joke around all day, they don't take themselves that seriously', so I just tell you really try this, try to make fun of people, try to make fun of social situations, try to make fun of the person that just said that slightly weird thing, when they make the funny noise to add to their story saying 'what was that again?', or make them do it again or just laugh about it. Putting way too much pressure on yourself, and once you're doing these things, and you're start realising this stuff works, that's when that's going to build your confidence, you're going to be better with people. Also, do not be afraid to speak up concerning your opinion, if you have a well thought out point to make, do not be afraid of saying it even if others are going to disagree, this could be politics, say I agree or disagree with this political point, and when people come back with you with arguments of why you're wrong, why you're wrong, why you don't make any sense, you're going to be able to be coming right back at them and say 'well, your point doesn't make any sense', you're going to pick apart their argument point by point. Don't be afraid to pick apart their argument point by point. Because that's going to show them this isn't a person to be messed around with. I'm noticing on facebook when I'm arguing with people and other people that's on my side jump in to the argument, what will happen all the time is that they'll respond to these other people, they'll just almost ignore my comment because there's nothing that they can logically say to best me. To really be confident in your thinking, really give it to people when needed, it's going to come off as very confident, it's going to come off as very, if I disagree with Tyler on something I better come up with some really good arguments. I better bring my facts because he's going to take me down. And that person is really going to respect you more for that. And quit being overly nice, butt kisser. I'm not talking about please, thank you, typically tipping your waiter, all that crap, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about 'oh, how was your weekend?', 'did you do anything fun?', 'wow, that sounds really interesting', as I said, just make people laugh. Quit doing that sort of thing because: 1, nobody cares. You honestly probably don't even care. 2, people hate butt kissers, get out of this Fe nightmare that you built for yourself, that you're in, trying to connect with people, trying to make people like you, because it just has the opposite effect. If you really want to know who the most succesful person is, is Se dominants, when it comes to dating, when it comes to getting people on their side, it's ESTP, it's ESFP, these people are not nice, they're going to be in your face, and this is what really attract people. You might think you're logically, all sexy, but it's not, it's saying what you need to say, even at moments getting into people's faces, that is going to be considered sexy. Getting into people's faces and not being nice. I'm not saying 'be mean', I'm saying 'just don't be overly nice, don't be a butt kisser, because if you do this, people just aren't going to like you. Ways you can improve this is go out of your way to practice social skills everyday. This is like a musscle, like the gym, it has to be worked on every single day to get a little bit better, and when you work on this, you may feel a little drained the next day, but the next time, you go out and do it it's going to be easer, and you're going to be a little less drained, keep doing it a little bit every day what you're going to find is, social skills is just a learned practice and it's not that hard. It's not that hard to gain social skills as you're making it out to be. And really the key is just making people laugh. Always having that little sly smile on your face when you look at somebody. And it's not only about making people laugh, it's having a confidence to at least try to make them laugh. If you tell a joke and it bombs, nobody laughs or nobody chuckles whatsoever, just say something funny about that, say 'well, I'm never going to say that again, that didn't work', make fun of your own awkwardness. Trust me, people already, know you're awkward, that you come off as awkward, that you're too much in your head, but you can do is just make fun of yourself for this and that's just going to make people more comfortable with you, as you can look at yourself and say 'yes, I'm awkward', so this is going to the store instead of buying everything on amazon, this is going to the mall instead of ordering online, this is trying to hold eye contact with everyone you come across, this is standing in line at subway and the person in front of you looks nice and you say something to them, try to strike up a random conversation. If the converastion bombs, so what, at least you tried, you tried so next time you're going to be better. You tried to improve your social skills today, you should be proud for that. What you have to realise is failure is a stepping stone to success. If you don't see failure you won't see success either. If you don't have failures, you're never going to get what you want to get. This is in this case what you want to get is better social skills so you need to at least try and if you fail that's fine, at least you tried, if you do well, that's great. To just try to do this a little bit everyday to improve yourself."
Sort of like a "civilized barbarian" so to speak.
So INFJ will benefit a lot from having that combativeness in them, almost like an ENTJ. More than that, they already have it, they just need to activate it.
Be more ESTP.
