I have a terrible habit of picking my skin, especially my thumbs. It's quite difficult to stop. I do it when I'm bored/nervous.
If my hands are idle, they just kind of do it automatically.
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I do that too! I'll pick on my skin. Noticed that its during times when I am aware something heavy is sitting in my unconscious and I'm either not actively aware of it, or I do not feel like deaing with it.
I can’t say I experienced something like this but it obvious you have had quite hard experiences that may have contributed to this. You seem to know some of the origins which is a very good step and you acknowledge that your feelings need to be expressed in other ways. You are not crazy for sure and this has a reason behind it if you address the reason then this has a good chance of ending. How about writing in a journal? Or do you have a friend you can confide in? Exercise to relieve stress (running or walking helps)?
I’m not sure if you read about this but I found this link that has some good points.
http://helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm
It is a good site. Thanks for sharing. I seem to have known the origins for a very long time. Which brings to mind. Knowing a problem does not solve a problem. I've tried writing in a journal many times before. But does experience fustrates the hell out of me. Thing is I have a problem with my handwriting. So I'll constantly rewrite and tear of pages and rewrite and tear of pages until I end up being so fustrated and close to tears. As for blogging, I find myself being pulled in different directions on whether that blog entry should be there at all. Mostly its because I have new thoughts and perspectives on how people might think of me by that entry or how my entry might affect people negatively.
Nope, no friends. I'm ok with being there for people whenever they need me. Like when they are in emotional or bad times. Otherwise, I don't think I'm a good day to day friend. They keep getting mad at me for disappearing. And I'll get very guilty. And I do not like to spend half the day on the phone gossiping about other people. It drives me nuts. Its like I understand the person I'm talking to and the person they are talking about. Sigh.. I wish I could be like more entertaining and fun..
Haha.. I hate perspiring. Makes me feel kinda dirty. You know another thing that makes me clam up to friends about my problems? Its because they can't seem to give me a solution to it and it seems to make them feel kinda bad. And I don't ike to make people fel bad. So the best thing I can do is pretend I don't have problems so that they don't have to feel that way.:blushed:
INFJs are very sensitive to criticism and being controlled, so considering your family history I'd say it is just a way you are trying to cope with it. You just have a lot of negative stuff sitting in your subconscious is causing you much mental and emotional pain. You have been accumulating this negative stuff all your life, so the measures you need to take to cope with it are extreme also.
Our mind like our body can get very sick, but people don't easily recognize that. We are used of taking care only of our bodies. You get a high fever - you go to a doctor - he gives you antibiotics to kill the infection. But people don't recognize that same thing can happen to your cognitive health. Our minds can become infected by bad experiences, cognitive errors, value conflicts, wrong perceptions - and then you fall mentally sick. And when people fall mentally sick there are no antibiotics to take to make it all just go away. Those affected go around life trying to medicate themselves with something, anything, to make themselves feel better - they get addicted to alcohol or drugs or gambling, they start harming themselves, and when their mind becomes too sick they commit the final act of suicide.
Other ways of coping with pain - well, there are many. None of them are particularly healthy. My preferred method used to be exercising too much, in particularly running. It is a form of self-harm, but a positive way of doing it than cutting yourself. You push your body to its limit, sometimes against physical pain and discomfort. Exercise also releases endorphins in your brain and makes you feel good. I cut myself a few times when I was a teenager - same as you, as defense against negative emotions. My mother was also an ISFJ and a very critical person. I think when we INFJs become bombarded by criticisms on daily basis we internalize it. This kind of negative attitude becomes part of our identity. Coupled with our own perfectionism it creates a lot of anger. But because of our altruistic outlook, that anger gets turned to the inside, on yourself, not outside to other people, and this creates the need for self-harm.
Another relatively harmless way to self-medicate is religion. If you are a believer you can turn to your religion to seek peace of mind. Religion teaches that God loves you and so even if you feel abandoned by everyone else you can always derive strength from knowing this.
The truth is that until you disentangle these conflicts, these psychological knots that are sitting deep inside of your mind poisoning it, you will never be free of the emotional pain and the impulses to self-medicate will never go away. Self-harm is only a symptom. You will have to identify what is it inside of you that is causing you the pain and then resolve it. Usually people go to a psychologist to seek help disentangling all the things that made their mind sick. Religious people go to a priest or ask some kind of spiritual guide for advice and guidance. You can also do this yourself but it will require a lot of introspection and can be a long road there - it will require you to forgive all those people who have harmed you and to learn to love yourself.
Suicide is something that is, been there done that and am over with, for me. It is something with serious repuccusions that can and will affect the people close to you or once were in a severe and negative way. So I made a promise to myself never to do it again.
I was forced to see a psychologist on many occasions when I was younger. It seemed that my mum was trying to force a label on me to gain my dad's attention. And she suceeded in getting me labels that I was in no way prepared to live with for the rest of my life. Something that had adverse effects on me. I've been diagnosed a borderline personality, paranoid schizophrenic, pyschotic from all the different psychologist that I was forced to go to. And in my country. Psychology is at it's rock age. And most of the psychologist are not there to help you get better. But are there for the money. Nothing solves a problem faster than putting a label on it and making you take meds that you have no need for and which only makes it worse. These experiences has scarred me deeply. For they would just disregard everything I was saying and took in everything my mum was making me out to be. The only diagnosis that held true was that I have an anxiety problem and suffer from panic attacks in social situations.
As for religion. I was once a religious person who believed and confided in God all the time. My believe slowly died with each negative experiences I gained. I had tried my very best to always hold the best intentions for others but have gained nothing but misery in return. A point in time I had had it with God and religion was during the time I had dark and deep depression , I was forced to go to a church where they tried to exorcise the demons in me. Screaming at me in tongues and trying to scare the 'devil' away from me. It was the worst thing anyone can do to me. Its like screaming at me that I'm evil and I deserve all the bad that happened.
I do forgive the people who has done bad things to me. In fact I understand them and what caused them to be the way they were. At the end of the day. Everyone is a victim of somebody else. Intuition is a double-edged sword. You do not know where you stand at the end of the day.
Moonlight gave some good advice and I also agree that you have been through some hard emotional experiences and that doesn't make you crazy...just human. It is what you do with those experiences that defines who you are so the important thing is to stop hurting yourself and start helping yourself and those around you. Therapy is necessary if you still are having impulses to mutilate your body (mind or spirit...some people have scars believe it or not but they are not necessarily on their bodies where we all can see them)
Exercise in and of itself is good in that it can help burn off excess stress and energy but if taken to the extreme can be just as harmful so the key is moderation in everything you do.
Personally what I know about myself and what I have learned about being an INFJ is that we are natural problem solvers. It is hard to grow up in the emotional climate you have grown up in and not feel frustrated because it was a situation between your parents, their own personal issues (most likely they grew up in an environment like you were raised in) etc.
*Recognize that some things are out of your immediate control and make peace with it.
*There are healthier ways to deal with pain that I am sure you can find in that link and that will actually help you become more healthy and get more positive attention which is good for all of us being that we are social creatures...no matter how introverted we can be :happy:
*Express yourself, express yourself, express yourself...whether it be writing, painting, dancing, singing, speaking etc... There are some experiences in life that we can't escape but we can take the opportunity to learn from it and move on and live a better life. My parents did not have the ideal childhood and today what is considered child abuse was not back then, but they learned how to be better people and parents from it.
I want to add something that volunteering with animals in the humane society taught me. I remember that most volunteers automatically want to walk the small dogs or the cutest dogs but I knew better. I saw that it was the bigger/uglier dogs that needed to get the opportunity to get out of their cages and get the attention they so desperately needed and craved. They would get so frustrated being in a cage that they would actually gnaw on their bodies out of frustration. If left to themselves they would most likely gnaw themselves raw or bleeding if we were not so good at anticipating their needs.
We as INFJ's have a lot of creative energy and potential and I am sure that even though people may not talk about it that many of us do do similar things when we fail to put enough focus on taking care of our needs (whether they be emotional, physical or spiritual) Learn to put the focus of your energy where it is needed...yourself. Situations come and go and sometimes we have some influence as to how to make things better and sometimes we don't. Learn to make the best of your life and stop punishing yourself. The challenge you have right now may be finding the right teachers to help you learn this...but they are out there and they are just as interested in seeing you live your life the best way possible.:happy:
The dogs part you wrote tore me apart. That is so sad and true. I go around feeding stray dogs in my free time. And though it's a sad thing to see their plight and situations which humans have created for them. I find a feel good dose that does wonders for my inner being knowing that I made a difference in a dog's life. Something I recommend people to try.
I wish for a mentor so much. All my life, I've lacked a mentor I could turn to for advice or anything. I know I've always been one. Even to my parents when I had them which is wierd. I've always been a mentor to my friends, in my relationships and basically anyone whom needed me be. But I had and have none. This is something that hurts me so much.
I am just curious before I put any input into this thread. Since it seems clear that you already know what your problems or issues are and not willing to deal with them yet. Instead you rather stay in denial and try to rationalize your situations in life just so you can stay in your cycle of abuse either self inflicted or not. And you dont have to tell a forum of INFJ's that your dad was controlive all we have to do is read your thread about your current boyfriend situation to figure that out.
I would like to be like the rest of the INFJ's and throw some sugar on the wounds but it seems that sugar will just absorb into the blood leaving a disillusion until the sugar rush comes down.
I really do hope that I am wrong and you are at a point in your life to seek and accept help.
It has come a point that no amount of sugar can make things better.
An extract from my blog entry:
And now the re-realization occurs once again.
All this while I had been desperately trying to recreate my memories of the feelings of love I had in my childhood. Love and pain has somehow fused together in holy matrimony to become one. That to have one without the other just would not feel right and I would end up seeking it.
Why?
I only seek it for what I had always known it to be, and because it was the most familiar.
People make the mistake of thinking everything we have today is a perfect system, when it really is not.
I read somewhere that INFJ's believe we should preserve what we have today, and I think that is so far from the truth, or at least it should be for every person.
I agree with a lot of what
CuritadeRana said about techniques of parenting and what is considered abuse in today's society.
believe it or not there are so many things parents do wrong to their children all the time just because "everyone else is doing it."
juswt because almost every adult in america drinks doesn't mean it is natural and okay, it means there is a massive issue going on with everyone and they all found a way to "continually" solve the problem.
I used to continually solve my emotional pain with some kind of a physical shut me up.
I am not sure if it is the same as in your case, but if my sadness went to deep to the core and I felt like my head was going to split open, I would bash it against something really solid to feel numb.
when I discovered alcohol it was an easy replacement to bashing my head against stuff.
the quickest way is to forget, because we cannot take the pain.
scars are passed down through generations for the other generations to clean up and purify into a deeper more sensitive acceptable exsistence.
this tough love shit is SHIT!
fyi.
you should have never had to put up with it. there are many other ways parents and children can comunicate other than shuting each other out.
to the OP, I am not sure if self-mutilation is common, but I think sensitve types need some physical pain or a physical jolt to get them out of emotional destroyer land.
hopefully someone will post after me and help put some of the pieces I missed into place.
Although your post seems like a free run of your thoughts. Its insightful with some important points. I do get what you mean. And I do get the feelings you get too. I do not agree with tough love too. Purely because it hurts too much and does not bring about much positive change. But that is just for me. Tough love does not work for me. But it does work for some people with other pertsonality and temperaments.
I realized I never did answer the OP question. Yes, I use to self inflict pain upon myself. For me it was a progressive conniving prick that was hard to get rid of. Like most addictions they find and weasel there way into everything we do and are.
I am glad you are not proud of what you are doing but I hope you are proud of who you are.
I'm glad that you're able to get yourself out of the habit and found a better way to deal with things. There are too many things I'm not proud of. But I know that I'm only proud of being the best I can be at any given moment. And I'm proud that I've beaten the odds and am still here and surviving.
I'm sorry to hear about all of this happening, to people and INFJs here. I have never done such a thing, although I can't say I haven't been having a desire - for me it has to do with flow of energy and thoughts - sometimes i can feel energy running up and down my arms, in a way that it feels like too much to contain within myself, and at that point i 'wonder' what it would be like to let it out. this is a feeling with negative thought, or energy, not positive flow, which is equally intense, but if i have a positive flow of energy in my body it is pleasurable, not like that 'uncomfortable' feeling that would cause the idea of getting the feeling outside of me, even if it meant to hurt myself. these thoughts are not something common for me, maybe happened recently, when i have some bouts of thoughts i cannot control. the thought of it is scary and seems painful.
well i don't have anything to add on the experience front, other than that. but would say that do whatever you need to do to get help, but for yourself, this is the cheapest method, and most effective, i will tell you that long term this problem can be solved with attempting spiritual practice. try to find spiritual people, and be around them or find a meditation group, so you have ways to channel that energy. the root cause of this issue is deep and not necessarily physical. this is why so many addictions are alleviated through spiritual practice...
i guess many years ago myjazz you may have had some experience with how your spiritual practice improved your life? no need to reply in detail....but from what i've experienced a lot of repetitive behaviors that were not positive dropped off when i started intense meditation. i don't think that was a coincidence. but you know better of such things. i was just mentioning this topic in here, should any one be seeking help, looking to spiritual practice should be part of the equation.
Deb Bie777 - i'm sorry that things aren't working out with you and your parents, but you have to talk to someone and let that go, and move on. i hope you live on your own now? or maybe with a partner or friend? if talking about this helps, i am happy that you are on PerC doing that. everyone is nice and helpful here
Its great that you don't have this desire!! You're a healthy individual who knows how to better deal with negative emotions. :happy: So never let yourself get there because its just an easy way out and does nothing to solve the main problem.
I've been living alone for a long time now. Ever since my dad abandoned us for another woman. My mum chased me out of our home. I've spent most of my life living from place to place and on a day by day basis. I was not alowed to have friends and socialize as a kid. It was something my parents were very strict about. They think everyone is a bad influence to me. And now that I'm dumped into the world. I've to deal with the thing that I've not had much pratice on and which scares me the most. I'm living with my ENTP partner now. He talkes me out of my seriousness and gloom at times but sometimes put me there at the same time. haha.. Keeping my fingers crossed that things wil get better.
That said, I'm really glad to have found PerC!! You guys have been superb and helpful! :laughing: And this place and people here has let me learn so much and has really kept me sane in my darkest hours.
I have had a sort of self-mutilation I suppose.... A little background is necessary to explain though:
I have struggled with clinical depression for over 7 years. My home life has never been the greatest. My dad is mentally/emotionally and on rare occasions physically abusive. My mother is kind and loving, but sometimes enables this behavior. There is history of mental illness on both sides of my family tree, and last year it was discovered that i possess a genetic defect that keeps my body from absorbing b12 properly (b12 is a vitamin necessary for balancing serotonin levels in the brain). Being a blue collar household and with neither of my parents having been to college, I have had pressure on me throughout my life to perform well. The social rigors of small town life when you are neither a rich farm kid or plain white trash was especially stressful on me. I graduated with a class of 12, all of whom I went to pre-k with. My highschool totaled 50 students. My solaces in life were participating in 4-H, reading, piano lessons and running. The latter two of these activities became my own form of self-mutilation.
Starting late my freshman year of high school, I began running and weight lifting. I was very conscious of my weight in jr. high, but had thinned out a bit. I wanted to be pretty, not so much to attract attention, but so that I could be considered equal to other girls in my class. I exercised to excess, dropped a lot of weight and was forced to various trips to the doctor by my mother in desperation to end my 4-5 hour workout sessions after work and school.
Piano lessons was another area I obsessed over. I would play a piece over and over again, and even the tiniest mistake would merit 'punishment'. Punishment usually involved me sitting ramrod straight and hitting my arms or head as hard as I could. I felt I deserved punishment for not playing the piece perfect, or not being a good enough student or daughter.
In reality, I had nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of. I graduated at the top of my class, won thousands of dollars in scholarships, have served on numerous boards, councils and national leadership teams and currently pay for my own college while living on my own. My parents never had to pick me up from a party drunk, I rarely attended sporting events, I never crashed my car, got pregnant or started a fight. I was obedient, and later I found out that I actually was rather attractive, much to my surprise.
My problem was a I felt, and occasionally still do feel, that I am not worthy of respect, love or admiration. With counseling, continuing doctors visits (yes, you can't just go once and its done. It's a multi-year process...) and by trying to give myself a break on the little things in life, I've veritably blossomed. Reach out to friends or family, who ever you trust. I know that is hard for INFJs, as it takes a while for people to be allowed in that inner circle to trust them with such information. But sometimes you just have to go out on a limb. I still try not to burden people, when in reality they really want to be there for me and have fun with me. Its something I'm working on. I still run and workout, although not to extremes. And I still play the piano some, though not as well as before.
Although I do have chemical problems that I can't control, I can try and control my thinking. My brain is bent toward thinking I will never be enough for anyone. I am enough for me, and I love me as I am, I just have to hope that someone will do the same for me. So keep your chin up. I'm pretty negative, but even I hope for better. Keep at it, and if you need someone to talk to give me a message.
I know how tough it is being an INFJ and having to deal with all these kinda problems. But I think that's what makes us stronger than most too. And more than what we would like to believe ourselves to be. I suffer from depression too. In fact my mum's side has a history of mental illness too. I know how tough it is. Lets continue staying strong ya? Thanks for sharing.. :happy:
In middle and high school I struggled with self mutilation for at least 6 years. I haven't done it in a while, but I still have a lot of self-destructive tendencies that I can't seem to control. I don't physically hurt myself anymore, it's more of emotional punishment. It seems to be getting a lot better though.
I've struggled for a long time too. Its good that you have not done it in awhile. It means that you have found better and more constructive ways to cope. We can only deal with 1 thing at a time. I'm glad that things are starting to get better for you.. or at the very least you have learnt to handle them better. :happy:
I've got to run and settle some stuff now...
Thanks to everyone for your well-meaning, insightful and thoughtful input. Most importantly. Thanks for sharing and caring. :happy:
