I know the issue of becoming bored, but even then I stand by the commitments I've willingly chosen to take, meaning I'll not strut around looking for something better to 'jump board' the second it offers itself up.

I don't like the 'high' on the love curve whatsoever. It's delusional and deemed dangerous by this mind.

 

I know the issue of becoming bored, but even then I stand by the commitments I've willingly chosen to take, meaning I'll not strut around looking for something better to 'jump board' the second it offers itself up.

That's how I am too, and how I behaved in my marriage -- at times there was a deplorable lack of connection that was hard to work through, and I'm quick to see new potential in spontaneous things, but I still took my promise seriously and didn't waver from it.

It does mean I am cautious about what long-term commitments I make. I know my tendency to get intertwined with someone once I do make a commitment, so I want to be sure I'll be happy and be able to invest deeply.

I don't think I could ever just be with someone "for kicks" while be willing to drop them immediately, at least not without us both being on the same page and sharing that understanding for each other other... and then I probably just wouldn't bond with them because I'd know it could end any moment. I'd stop caring pretty quickly.

How do these infatuation stages last so long for you folks? :bored:

That sounds rather dreadful.

My infatuation stage is pretty short... a few months max. Then my mind moves on, and I need to do the relationship "properly," with actual effort made and time invested.

I'm hoping more for my next partner to share interests with me -- it's actually important, as then we'll automatically spend more time together. I'd like a long-term love, but I'm pretty realistic about it at this point; the infatuation wave comes and goes.

 

I don't feel like most INTPs automatically have this "problem." Myself, I have historically jumped into relationships much too quickly. Once in the relationship, I quickly get comfortable and heavily intertwined with them (financially, emotionally, etc.), and only after a year realize we really have nothing in common. (I won't have this problem in the future.)

one time I was in a restaurant with a friend, then a girl from the table next to us conveniently 'dropped' a receipt next to me with her phone number written on it. I was so in love at the time that I screwed it up without a second glance. Yet now... oh the mystery is so intense! A girl actually liked me, anonymously gave me her fucking number, AND I THREW IT AWAY!

I do not see this instance as wrong or something you should regret. In fact, I am now not in love anymore with my girlfriend, and we are both talking about our options, and I'd still throw a phone number way. While it is natural for the Ti Ne users to "consider all options," I cut myself away from those thought processes (consciously) because I see them as emotionally cheating (or inviting the potential of emotional cheating).

Don't get me wrong. I'll consider theoretical people (i.e. types, people with X hobbies/interests, etc.) on occasion, but even then I try not to dwell. But when my mind wanders to actual individuals I know, I cut it out as fast as I can.

If you have someone that's great for you already, you need to learn how to be passionate about her. And focused on her. If not, you need to be honest with her and move the relationship to a more casual level. (In my opinion.)

 

Interesting points so far. Yeah the thing about the girl giving me her number - to be honest it's probably quite right that I like the 'theory' of it but wouldn't actually follow it up. I was just trying to outline how I was so mad about my girlfriend before, but now I'm not. It was the same for my first serious relationship too.

I think I droned on a bit too much in the opening post. The main thing I really wanted to ask was quite simply, can anyone here handle a long term relationship without getting bored at some point down the line? To me it seems to tie in with the typical INTP style of getting obsessed with something new, then just dropping it once all curiosities have been satisfied.

If you have someone that's great for you already, you need to learn how to be passionate about her. And focused on her. If not, you need to be honest with her and move the relationship to a more casual level. (In my opinion.)

I don't know if this is possible for an INTP, and that's my point. I was totally passionate and totally focussed at the start, but it's all fizzled out now and I thoroughly don't care any more, even though nothing has actually gotten worse between us. I'm just bored.

 

Love her, you fool!

 

At that time I was so crazy about my girlfriend, but now I know I would think very differently if another girl confessed interest in me (fuck... how rare is for that to happen to an INTP guy (or any guy?!)... probably the one and only time it's gonna happen in my life.)

I just wonder if anyone here has a long term relationship that's working for them? Or do most of you have the same mindset as me?

How would your girl take it if you said you wanted to break up? Just trying to work out the state of the relationship in general.

What is your attachment style?
Attachment Style

For me: The company of a life-partner is one of the true pleasures in life. I deliberately chose someone who would challenge me, force me to think in different ways and see the world in a different light, with abilities and perspectives that complement one-another. She feels the same. We have grown together.

 

How would your girl take it if you said you wanted to break up? Just trying to work out the state of the relationship in general.

What is your attachment style?
Attachment Style

For me: The company of a life-partner is one of the true pleasures in life. I deliberately chose someone who would challenge me, force me to think in different ways and see the world in a different light, with abilities and perspectives that complement one-another. She feels the same. We have grown together.

Do you know your Enneagream Type and/or her MBTI/Enneagram Type?

 

Well there's a honeymoon period in all relationships no matter what type. It lasts 18mos to 2yrs tops. Routine sets in, the initial infatuation dies down.

The infatuation should be replaced slowly by a deep bond for it to continue working. Sounds like that might not have happened for you?

For me, if I make it to 2+ years then it's a strong relationship. I usually lose interest in the girl around 3 months or sooner if it's going to happen.

 

Everyone gets bored in relationships (or so I've heard from many different sources). I have been in a relationship now for 9 years, very serious for the past 7 years. I've gotten to those points where I thought it was doomed or fatalistic, etc. It might very well be harder for INTPs to get out of our heads and enjoy the reality that we have with a person, but it is worth a shot.

It also isn't that difficult to re-inject the lovey dovey, new romance crap either. I find that whenever I take a trip or am gone for a few days that I actually miss the shit out of my boyfriend, and when I come back home I appreciate what I have all over again.

 

I'll echo what was already said.
Honey moon phase lasts about 2 years.
The infatuation wears off and shit gets real.
Personality typing suggests that INTP use their analysis to determine if someone is a suitable partner or not.
Learning about what was seen as roses and turned into a problem two years later is part of the equation.

And yes I've been in a longer relationship then that and we did well for a long time.

 

Do you have close friends that you've known for more than 2 years (and i do mean CLOSE friends, not just people you've been friendly with)?

So you're bored. Do you think she's bored? Why are you bored?

Is the boredom something YOU can deal with?

I haven't been in a relationship for that long, but my conceptual understanding is that love isn't easy. after infatuation wears off, you have to work at a relationship. if you don't want to do that, you should end it.

 

IN T/F P -- didn't get in serious relationship until age 32. We are still together 18 years later, although there have been difficult times and yes I have gotten bored and wondered about other men (and he has had attraction to other women). We are together because we decided we'd rather be together than separate, it's that simple. After 3 years, we had the long-term bond they always talk about, we kind of feel better inside as soon as we see each other after being separated all day (while we are at work). I don't know your age but I think 28 - 34 is ideal to settle down and go for a longer term thing, KNOWING the initial "high" will wear off, then you have to really bond over things - interests, life goals; in our case, we had 2 kids in our first 4 years together so we were "on a mission" together.

 

The first stage of infatuation has dissapeared. Happens in EVERY relationship. Passion>compassion. An argument that I believe that was professionally presented and logically sound (not placed in a moral context like the word "cheating") was that humans aren't meant for strict monogamy. I read the book "Sex at Dawn" and has forever changed my perspective on relationships and sex. I highly recommend that you read it also. You can get it on ebay for like $5.00 free shipping. This book should answer your question.

 

Cheers all for the replies.

I think the case for me may be that I'm still reasonably young - 25 - and haven't finished settling my own life yet. I start university in September so will be there till I'm 29 or more, and even after that the world is still my oyster until I find some form of work/life/living style that I'm comfortable with and can settle into.

So I guess, as great as she is, my girlfriend seems like a bit of a ball and chain. She's quite logical and would agree with what I'm saying. Actually she's an ENTP so has really strange emotions that I know are there but are super hard to prize out. She tells me, in a totally non-depressed way, that she already knows I'm going to leave her, she says I can find a new girl whenever I want, and she'll just think, 'oh, it happened'. But at the same time I can feel she actually does like me. But she's one of those 'realist' types. This may also be what's pushing me to this feeling of boredom, like she says I can leave whenever I want, so what's stopping me?

We actually are at that comfort/compassion stage of the relationship, and she doesn't like that. She prefers the earlier stage, with the butterflies, nervousness, excitement, curiosity etc. And when we were starting out she always told me how much I wasn't like her perfect man. It cut me pretty deep to be honest, but I think it's the ENTP style - openly criticising things without at all intending to hurt anyone. She was astounded if I ever got upset about it. Anyway she doesn't do it anymore because, as I said, we're kind of comfortable together, which is good in a 'comfy' way, but bad in a 'stagnant' way.

We're actually quite a great couple, definitely interesting company to be around; INTP + ENTP = explosion of non-conformity. But we both aren't 100% satisfied with the general 'nothingness' of it all.

Meh :happy: I've droned on about this enough! I have a feeling we will drift apart. But we're good together so maybe in the future we'll find each other again. Just right now the time is not right.

 

So I guess, as great as she is, my girlfriend seems like a bit of a ball and chain. She's quite logical and would agree with what I'm saying. Actually she's an ENTP so has really strange emotions that I know are there but are super hard to prize out. She tells me, in a totally non-depressed way, that she already knows I'm going to leave her, she says I can find a new girl whenever I want, and she'll just think, 'oh, it happened'. But at the same time I can feel she actually does like me. But she's one of those 'realist' types. This may also be what's pushing me to this feeling of boredom, like she says I can leave whenever I want, so what's stopping me?

We actually are at that comfort/compassion stage of the relationship, and she doesn't like that. She prefers the earlier stage, with the butterflies, nervousness, excitement, curiosity etc. And when we were starting out she always told me how much I wasn't like her perfect man. It cut me pretty deep to be honest, but I think it's the ENTP style - openly criticising things without at all intending to hurt anyone. She was astounded if I ever got upset about it. Anyway she doesn't do it anymore because, as I said, we're kind of comfortable together, which is good in a 'comfy' way, but bad in a 'stagnant' way.

I was thinking about what a jerk OP was until I read this post: that explains many things.
The post is for about 4/5 years ago, interesting, however.
I haven't been in any long-term relationship. @VioletIris has a point to say that INF/TPs should think about serious relationships at 28 and afterwards: I am 28 and I started to feel like understanding the nature of the romantic relationships and being ready to make one work just a few months ago. I started my lasting, close friendships after the age 24, too. It's like I hadn't found my niche before.
As for being bored with relationships, others hit the point: the passion is replaced with something deeper, less exciting, less stressful: compassion. If this doesn't happen then something doesn't properly work. People who avoid challenges and look for the "safest" partner at the expense of some important factors are at a higher risk, as chances are their relationships have been lacking the elements that create passion and deepen the bond from the start. "Pleaser" partners encourage such a behavior, by the way.

 

Of the few relationships I've had that made it more than a few months, they have all followed the same pattern:
I have my life. She has her life. A couple times a week our lives intersect for a while.

More than that and I'm usually unhappy. This holds true for friends as well. I don't want to see them every day, or even every week. If I see a particular friend once a month, that's a good frequency for me. I can see that pattern play out in my friendships. The ones that have survived the test of time have been the ones where we only see other other periodically.

 

As far as I'm concerned, the typical MBTI description holds true. I dive in, head over heels in love, it's amazing, life is brilliant, I'm on top of the world, and then a year or two later.... I'm bored. Even though there's nothing at all wrong with the relationship. This is the second time it's happened to me now.

What's up with that?

One day I woke up and realized that I was a serial monogamist. At least I have been for the past dozen years. I share your infatuation-boredom cycle; mine also has a 1-2 year life. I think it was way more intense and out of control when I was younger and clueless. Although I have tamed myself to be physically faithful to my boyfriends, I do sometimes cheat with my mind. I'm secretly afraid to get married... but I do want true love, whatever that may be. Ugh.

 

How do these infatuation stages last so long for you folks? :bored:

That sounds rather dreadful.

Typically I only get there when the 'relationship' already ended or never came to live to begin with, give or take +/- 3 hypothetical months into it, then I go my ways and use the energy for whatever but the person in question. The rare occasions it goes otherwise I'd still have a hard time cracking the 6 month mark, let alone 9.

Then again, I may be just a special type of masochist :mellow:

Hm, perhaps I settle too fast for the 'comfy' mode, which I find quite comfortable. Comfortable is good. All that hyper energetic jazz is killing me.

 

21 years this October. No secrets other than commitment and not carrying out the death threats.

 

I was kinda of still am in a 13 year with an INFP red head.
Maybe my Fe is higher but I find it easy to keep things alive buy doing small romantic things and small surprises to see her smile.

 

I share the trait of picking things apart and finding criticisms of the relationship dynamic (which I typically keep to myself, which is very very bad), but I don't get bored so much. I'm not one to really look for excitement so much as stability in a relationship, so I'm actually pleased when the emotional high is over and I can have a clear head about things again.

My relationship with an ENFP is approaching the two year mark. There have been times where I've wondered about other possible avenues, but I have never acted on them and have even avoided opportunities for them to happen. My biggest problem with relationships, then, is not boredom but trouble on my end with communication. If there's a problem, I end up unreasonably expecting the other person to figure out what I've figured out and fix it without me telling them. This isn't because I think they should be able to, but because I feel as though communicating my criticisms would appear too critical and cause damage. This makes commitment more of an unstable than stable equilibrium, which worries me over time.

 

If there's a problem, I end up unreasonably expecting the other person to figure out what I've figured out and fix it without me telling them. This isn't because I think they should be able to, but because I feel as though communicating my criticisms would appear too critical and cause damage.

This, x100000000, is the bane of the INTP mind. Wanting to fix a problem but not doing anything about it because it might upset whatever harmony there currently is. We're too nice.

 

I dated an ESFJ for 3 years.
I felt like I learned a lot from her, Im really glad I dated her.
It didn't work out because she felt I wasn't in love with her because I didn't share my emotions like I should have but I felt to judged by her at times to really say what I felt.
I felt like she didn't understand me and I didn't understand her.
She could understand how to make me comfortable around her and make me see her the way I wanted to if that makes sense.
But on a deeper level she was lost.
I think she kinda liked how she didn't understand me altho it would scare her at times.

I think it was her Se and my Ne that really didn't vibe.

 

I've been in a relationship with an ESFJ for about ten years now. Like RoSoDude, my main goal in any relationship is stability and that happens to go pretty well. I honestly can't understand her when she tells me she's tired, over and over again while she could also just STFU, or when she just has to call everybody she knows to tell them that some acquintance might or might not get married.
I am, on the other hand, quite aware of the fact that she will most probably never understand why I prefer to do the things I do in solitude, that ratio is everything and speaking to others is exhausting in a way.
We complement each other and since we try to actually just tell what's on our minds we act more like a team. It can work.

 

@mcstuart17

I'm definitely going to check out that book, in the mean time I've found this to go with it:

 

Mreh, I understand what you're referring to all too well. I've only ever been in one relationship which lasted for about 6 months or so and it started out great, I really thought I was in love. However, after a few months, as you mentioned I picked things apart and realized that not only was I bored with the relationship but that I was no longer invested in it. I don't necessarily believe that it's unusual to get bored with someone at a certain point (for INTP's) or to trivialize various components of the relationship to the point where it's easy to become disengaged.

 

I find it helpful to think of love along two axis:

One axis is hetero/****
The other is intellectual/physical

As an NT type I'm obviously much more interested in the intellectual axis, and married my wife without having any romantic feelings of physical attraction to her, because I was intellectually in love with her. I knew the other part would simply come over time if I worked on it, and it did, and it was amazing.

The modern western view on what a love relationship is, as constantly reinforced by our culture, is just horribly stupid and pathetic. The ideas people cling on at these forums are also a bit desperate. For you Pessimisterous I'd recommend this:

Ask yourself, is your brain in love with her brain? If not, either work on that or end the relationship as soon as possible.

Also ask yourself, are you capable of having loving relationships with other men (not sexual, since you seem to be hetero)? Can you comfortably tell other men that you love them? Do you get emotional satisfaction from hugging or being physically near other men that you love? If not, work on that.

Since you seem to be an emotionally undeveloped INTP you should obviously NOT be getting into relationships based on how you FEEL about a woman. You're feelings are, for lack of a better word, stupid. Borderline retarded. Of course a relationship is not going to work if you're ACTUAL priority is intellectual and you let your idiotic feelings do the chosing.

I'd recommend that you look for someone who has these two qualities:
1. She is intellectually attractive to you
2. She is emotionally developed

Once you've established a relationship, just be 100% open about everything. Focus on communication and making her happy, which is super easy since if you communicate openly she will just tell you how to. Trust her completely and let her help you develop your Feeling side while you stimulate and develop her intellectual side. Positive feedback loop created, super organism possibility achieved. Prepare for lift off.

 

Most of my relationships have terminated due to boredom, disappointment, and distraction on my part....as well as other unspecified reasons that happen often, though I cannot adequately explain them. Relationships have proven to be quite tiring and inevitably doomed to fail due to these reasons, BUT I have been with an amazing ESTJ for over 2 years now and have yet to get bored. I do not have the typical "ready to drop at any given moment" or beyond disappointing/paralyzing "my interest has fizzled, and I am no longer fond of being around you" feeling. I must say...I am very happy with him. Hopefully things will remain this way.

 

I'm currently in the middle of my first "2 year" struggle. On an intellectual level I definitely love my wife and I'm glad I married her as early as I did (22). Luckily I have very little to criticize about our relationship, but the infatuation stage is past and I'm certain that if we didn't fit together nearly so well, I would be having serious problems.

Some of our strengths include great communication, respect, and acceptance.

Example: Up until a few weeks ago my wife was the only woman I noticed. With the infatuation dying down, I experienced my first crush since we met, and was shocked to find that I might not be as monogamous as I had believed myself to be. I still love her, but I was able to have romantic feelings about another woman - what a shock! I waited a few days to see if it would pass, and then had a long talk with my wife about it. She told me she was surprised to find I was actually human, and went on to discuss exactly what exclusivity we need from each other and to joke about three-somes.

I'm still in the process of figuring out how I'm going to deal with hormonal attraction, but I don't see my marriage ending any time soon.

 

I am convinced it's possible to "rekindle" a relatoinship with someone you truly connect with, which it seems you two really do. I don't know why I feel this way--"if I'm wrong, love is all for naught? I detach all the time, am I hopelessly lost?"--but I do feel it. I feel it logically makes sense, but again that just could be an underlying insecurity and fear of mine, telling me something I want to hear.

 

I am in one right now. Was amazing for the 17 months or so. After that, it's a little crazy. I don't see it working out but I am also afraid of letting go.