Hi all! Thanks so much in advance for reading this long post. This is the first time I'm posted here, but I'm hoping I'll get some good answers. I'm going to be give as many details as possible, because I think it's hard to understand a situation without the details. Thanks for bearing with me and please be gentle. 
(He's an ESFP, I'm an ENFP)
A year ago, I moved to a new city where I didn't know anyone. The previous winter I had my heart broken by some guy who just wasn't ready for a relationship but never told me that...just kind of drifted away. It hurt me a lot. We've seen become good friends, but at the time...I think he was just avoiding the conversation. Anyways, I became very close friends with two people in an art class I was taking and the guy was interested in me, always asking me to go to his room, etc. I wasn't sure if I liked him or not, but then I decided that I did. I was very close with the girl friend and eventually told her that I liked the guy, after she pressured the information out of me. Then, a weekend I was away for a wedding, she hooked up with him. That hurt me so much because I thought she was my friend and that she actually cared about me. These two instances right after another really made me feel shitty - like no one cared about me and that I wasn't worth caring about.
After that, I went to the rock climbing gym almost every day to climb out my hurt. I had just started climbing so I was talking to a lot of people I met there, asking them if they had tips etc. Then one day, I ran into this guy who climbed so beautifully and the first thing I thought was "I want to climb like that." I went up to him and asked him if he had any tips. He stared at me so intently that I was taken aback. I tried not to make too much eye contact because I didn't want to send him the wrong message, that I was asking for advice to hit on him, but his eye contact surprised me. He gave me some tips and then told me that he and his friends would be top-roping later and that I should join them. I said ok, and wandered over later to thank him for his advice. He invited me to climb with them again and I did even though I was SO nervous because they were really good and I was basically just stuck on the wall. He was always so nice and encouraging though and made me feel really safe. He said that he would be back around the same time, and I was like, ok, but didn't think too much about it. His name was D-.
I saw him a few days later, and he just kind of avoided looking at me. I thought he was being shy and playing it cool, and I was a little like, really? I was hanging out with a couple of other guys but it was all just fun and light stuff. I was about to leave and he was still kind of avoiding looking at me so I finally just went over and was like, "Hey!" and he got really nervous and was like "Hey! I didn't see you." etc. etc. "Do you want to top-rope?" lol. I was like, "well I was about to leave...but sure." While we were top-roping, he was like, "You seem to be really friendly with a lot of the guys at the gym." I was a little surprised because I didn't know what he was talking about, but I was like, "Well...they're just really friendly to me." We talked a little bit about our lives, but what weirded me out a little bit is that he would often ask me the same questions, like "How long have you been climbing?" and "What do you do here?" He also mentioned that he used to play hockey - it was a big part of his life - but that he quit because he wasn't big enough and he had "other things going for him." He said that the hockey guys were usually 6 feet and he was just 5'8 as if it mattered...I don't know, he just seemed a bit nervous about all of it and I felt bad that he cared so much but I didn't know what to say to make him feel better.
I also found out that he was two years younger than me, which threw me for a loop. I usually date guys older than me and I wasn't sure how I felt about him being younger. I talked to a friend who's dating a guy 4 years younger and she said it's been the healthiest relationship she has had so far, so I felt better about it. But I still was cautious about the whole thing.
At this point, I had met my boss's son, who is my age. His name is I-. He's the exact opposite of "my type" so I wasn't attracted to him when I was first met him, but everyone told me he was really handsome, and now that I've kind of been more objective about it, he probably is the most handsome guy I've hung out with. Tall, strong jaw and cheekbones, lacrosse player, etc. He said he'd always been interested in rock climbing, so I invited him to come with me. We were there one night, and I saw D- there with some other girl and I felt so irrationally angry that it surprised me. I kept telling myself that they were probably just friends just like I- and I were. But it didn't stop me from being extremely distracted and upset and it was the first time I realized that I probably liked D- a lot more than I was letting myself feel (I'm not super aware of my feelings, usually). I ran into him on the way out and he was like "Were you here the whole time?" and I said "yeah," and he said "Why didn't you say hi?" and I said, "well I wasn't sure if I would be bothering you or not." He later introduced me to his friend, who he referred to as a friend, and asked for my number. I was over the moon happy.
He texted me to go climbing a bunch of times and sometimes I would go. At some point, I asked him if he knew anything about the architecture exhibit going up at the university (he's an architecture student, I work at the med school as a writer) and he said that I should let him know when I go so that he can give me a tour of the building. Afterwards, he asked me if I had eaten anything, and we went to a coffeeshop. The lady asked us if we wanted to pay together or separately and I looked at him for answers, because I just didn't know what this was. He reluctantly said "Well...I guess we can pay together," and then I felt bad for making him do something he wasn't expecting to do. During coffee I asked him if he knew how to install an air conditioner and he said that he could come over and do it for me. I wasn't asking him to do that...but he was all, "send me a photo of it so I can see what I'll need to do" etc.
By this point, I had fallen for him really hard. I was insanely physically attracted to him, more than any other guy I've met, and felt some sort of pull towards his personality. I felt like deep down, he cared about other people just as much as I do, and I've never met someone who I felt that similar to in that regard. On the surface though, we are completely different. He grew up extremely extremely wealthy, my family are poor immigrants. He's super athletic, I'm very bookish. And I feel like I think and feel more deeply than he does...when I asked him why he studied art in undergrad, I didn't feel like his reasoning was very similar to why I loved art. But that's ok.
I got really scared though. I wasn't ready to feel so strongly for someone and I was so scared that he would judge me for all the things I didn't like about myself. I think that I'm very easy going and happy and fun around people but I've struggled with a lot over the last few years: depression, eating disorders, etc. etc. I was scared that if he knew who I really was inside, he wouldn't like me anymore.
I installed the air conditioner myself. And sent him a picture later, which he didn't respond to. The next day I knew was his birthday so I texted him happy birthday. He said thanks, sorry for not responding earlier. My friends threw me a surprise birthday party and I got really drunk.
One day, I was climbing with my boss's son, I- and ran into D-. I introduced them and told D- that he should climb with us later if he wanted to. He said ok. Later, when he came over, I was on the wall, struggling to finish. I- was saying "You can do it!" and I looked down and saw D-. He was sitting very far away from I- and looked stony faced. I had never seen him look that before since he was usually so happy and smiley. I tried to catch his eye and he looked at me and smiled. When I finally finished the route and came down, he was like "Will you be really awesome and belay me on this one route?" and I said "sure...that's why I asked you to come climb with us." He chose a very difficult route that he's never finished before when he's with me. But this time, he's struggling so hard to even get started. I- goes over and says "Do you want me to give you a boost?" D- just laughs it off, but I can tell it's affected him a lot. I'm a little mad and annoyed at I- and I'm like "He's done this before." Of course, I know that I- doesn't mean anything by it. In fact, I had just been telling him that a few days later, D- had given me a boost to start a climb I couldn't start, so it must have been on his mind that it was a nice thing to do. Anyways, D - comes off the wall and says "I can't do this anymore," and goes to leave. We stare at each other for a long time, because I'm really hurt and I don't know what to say to him. Then he leaves.
I run into him again as we're all getting ready to leave and he says, "I'll text you the next time I go climbing," which he says a lot. As he's about to leave, I say "Wait." He stops and turns around and I'm so nervous I'm about to chicken out, but I know that I have to say something after seeing me with I-. So I say "Can we...do something other than climb?" He smiles and says, "Yeah, I'll text you."
I'm really happy, but I know it will take some time. But a whole week goes by and I don't hear from him. I start asking my friends for advice, including this one guy who might be an ISTP so I thought he might have a good idea. He told me that I should suggest something more specific to do, that D- was probably just overwhelmed with possibilities. So I text D- to see if he wants to go climbing so that we can talk about it in person. He says sure and we meet up the next day. His demeanor is very different though. He doesn't want to talk and he's not really looking at me. Afterwards I ask him if he's thought at all about what we can do, and he says "no, have you?" Then books it out of the gym. I follow and finally, in the parking lot he turns around and says, "I've been meaning to tell you this for a while, but I'm not looking for anything serious right now. I just got out of a really bad breakup." I was in shock. I remember looking at the fence behind him, feeling like I had just been slapped on the face.
Turns out his previous girlfriend had ghosted him and went back to her old boyfriend and this had happened right around the time we met. He looked so hurt and he kept saying things like, "She made all the moves," and "I feel like I get too vulnerable too easily," and "I haven't been in a relationship for a long time, a whole year," and "I dodged a bullet though, because there were all these red flags and I found out that she's a pathological liar." etc. etc. I felt very bad for him, but my brain also couldn't process what was going on. I said that I didn't know what I wanted and he said he didn't either, but that he wasn't ready for anything serious. He told me to take my time to think about it.
I cried all the way home. I couldn't think straight for the next couple of days. All I could muster is that most of the guys I'd dated previously we'd managed to stay friends so maybe we could be friends. I told him that I wasn't looking for casual sex, but I'd be willing to be friends. He said he was ok with being friends too.
We ran into each other pretty much the next day at the climbing gym and he seemed really happy to see me. We climbed together and had a lot of fun. I was also more relaxed, now that the pressure was off. The owner of the gym for some reason was flirting with me a lot too and talkign to me while D- was on the wall (funny thing is, noone talks to me when I'm with I-...they all think we're dating. But most people don't hesitate to talk to me when I'm with D-). D- seemed pretty upset when he came off the wall, and later in the parking lot, he asked me if I wanted to do something later. I was surprised, but I just assumed that he wanted to be friends and hang out in other contexts than the climbing gym. We made plans to hang out at this bar arcade because I LOVE playing games.
Later, he texted me and said, "Sorry I've been sending mixed messages. You came into my life at a really weird time. After my ex and I broke up, I told myself that I wouldn't get into another relationship again. But I don't want to mess up a chance we might have between us. Maybe we could try and take this slowly" etc. etc. He said he didn't want me out of his life. I was so touched by the message. I told him that I was fine with taking it slowly, as long as we were open and honest with each other.
We hung out at the bar arcade later and I could just tell that he wasn't really into it. He even asked me while we were playing one of those car racing games if I drive. Of course I drive, he's seen me and my car a million times at the climbing gym. Something didn't feel right and I could just tell he was pulling away from me. Afterwards, he told me he was going home to visit his parents because he hadn't seen them in a while. He didn't text me afterwards. I didn't hear from him for almost three weeks. I missed him so much, but I didn't want to rush him. One weekend though, I texted him something funny about a girl I saw at the climbing gym and he didn't reply. A couple of hours later, I asked him if everything was ok. He didn't reply. I got scared again and so angry and hurt. I told him that I didn't think I could do this anymore. I told him that if he wanted to talk through what happened with his ex, it might help, and I coudl understand what he was going through better. I told him that I was really scared. And I told him that if he didn't want to talk, that I would rather just move on.
He texted me a day later and said that he said we should just be friends. He said I'm sorry for leading you on, that wasn't my intention. He said I'm just not at the place where I can care about someone else right now. I encourage you to move on.
It obviously was not what I was expecting. I had wanted him to be willing to work things out or to apologize for not replying. We tried to be friends and hang out a bit, but I felt so down that I could barely get out of bed. My stomach and chest started hurting really badly. I told him that I might need some time and he said that was fine.
The feeling never went away. I started second guessing everything that I had done and what I could have done better. I blamed myself a lot, for not being a better, more patient person. I questioned whether he (or any of the other guys before me) really liked me at all. But I convinced myself that things would be fine. So a few months later, I told him that I was ready to be friends again and that I missed him. I didn't hear from him for a whole day and I got really mad and hurt again. The next night, I was climbing with a friend of mine, and turned around and saw him walk through the door and right by me with an extremely stony expression on his face. He literally looked at me, didn't register, and kept walking. I was SO angry. I couldn't believe that he would be a person that would do this. I did find him afterwards though and he said "hey." It was a bit awkward and then he said, "I texted you back by the way." "Did you?" I said. I didn't know whether he was telling the truth or not because I hadn't brought my phone to the gym. We joked around about a few other things and then I said I had to go. I was still feeling really hurt. He looked at me really intensely, but I broke eye contact and left.
He did text me back. He said that he was going to gym that time but I should let him know if I was going again. I texted him back and said I was sorry for being angry the night before. I said that I thought he was ignoring me because he walked right by me without acknowledging me. He said he hadn't seen me because he only saw me from far away (so I don't think he understood what I was saying, but I didn't bother correcting him). He said he missed me too and to let him know when I was climbing next. I said ok, but let me know when you're going too because I usually only go when other people are there. He didn't reply to that, but I figured it didn't really need a response. A few weeks later, I told him I was going with friends if he wanted to come, and he didn't respond to that either.
A few months later, I ran into him again. I averted my eyes because I didn't know what to say and there had just been so much fear and hurt involved in all of this. He didn't say anything either, when we passed by each other in the locker room. But then I thought it was stupid to walk right by him and not say anything, so later I said hi. He got really nervous and said, "Oh were you in there? I didn't notice." We talked about a few things but he seemed really distant and kept edging away. I was so hurt because it felt like he didn't want to talk to me. But our conversation was fun and just
had that spark as always.
Then the next day, my friends and I went to the big hockey game at our university. I briefly imagined seeing D- there because I knew hockey was a big deal to him, but literally the rink was PACKED and there were THOUSANDS of people. No chance of seeing him there. But when I found where my friends were standing and looked to my right, there he was...two people down, standing with his parents. I was shook. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to say hi to him but I was too scared to, especially since he had seemed so distant the day before. So we basically just stood next to each other, not knowing what to do. I thought that maybe after the game, he would say hi, but he just turned and left.
By this point, I had made peace intellectually with the fact that we would just be friends. I didn't want to deal with the stress of what we had going on before, and I knew that I needed to focus on my own health. I've started going to therapy and things have changed a lot for me for the better. But I still felt really strongly for him and I wanted him to know that. So I texted him the next day and said, Hey I saw you at the hockey game but I didn't know if you wanted to say hi or not. I'm fine with being friends, but I want to feel like what I felt for you was real and something something. I forget. I think he misunderstood me, because he texted back later, "Yeah I was with my parents and didn't see you until the end of the game. Honestly, I think you're exaggerating what happened between us and it's pushing me away. We were friends before, went on one date, and then I had hoped that we would be friends later, but then it just got too awkward." I said that yeah, maybe I took things more seriously than he did (although thinking back on it, I REALLY think he just misunderstood me. I made it sound like we had a relationship maybe, but that's not what I believe. I was just trying to tell him how much I liked him and still like him, but I was too scared to say it in a direct way.) I said it was ok, I just want to be able to say hi to him whenever I wanted to. He said yeah he didn't want it to be weird between us either and that he liked hanging out with me and would love to climb with me.
I saw him again with I- and of course, D- was very upset. He made an effort to say hello and goodbye though, I think after I made a big fuss about it, lol. I did tell him that I was sorry for making him feel uncomfortable. We saw each other a couple of times after that, and always had a great time. He told me to text him the next time I was going climbing, and I said ok, but inside I felt sad because I felt like I didn't feel the same about him anymore. I still really liked him, but the whole thing was taking too much out of me. He asked me where I- was and I asked him why he wanted to know. "just wondering," he said.
Weeks later, I did ask him if he wanted to go climbing, because he was getting more and more upset everytime he saw me with I- and I wanted to make him feel better. I sent lots of smiley faces and he replied back right away and said sorry I went two days in a row, but next week definitely. When he saw I- at the gym that Friday, I could tell he was looking for me, because he did the whole, looking at me but look quickly away to see if I was looking. I just tried to keep it normal and smiled and waved at him and I guess he felt safe enough to talk to me. The attraction between us in those moments is off the charts. Some little boy had to say excuse me to get past us. But then I- came off the wall and asked me a question (I- and I have become very close..I've spent weekends with him, etc. because we know that there's nothing between us). D- leaves and later I see him looking very down. I don't know what to say and I feel SO bad. I want to tell him that there's nothing going on between I- and me but I don't know how to bring it up since he's never asked straight out. I'm afraid that he's going to be all, "What? Why are you makign a big deal out of this? I don't care about I- at all" and make me feel stupid. So I text him the next day and ask him if he wants to go see this movie that (honestly) nobody else wants to go see and my little brother is making me go see it. He doesn't reply. I'm worried that he thinks I'm asking him on a date, so I text him back and tell him that I'm not asking him on a date, but I didn't feel the need to spell it out earlier, because we've talked about it so much. He wrote back immediately, "I'm not ignoring you, don't worry. I'm just really busy with finals coming up, I'm getting slammed. I'll let you know when I'm done." I said cool.
Saw him again at the gym, got shy and looked away, and he passed by without saying anything. The next time I saw him, he ignored me again, but I just kept looking at him so he knew I wanted to talk to him, but just let him talk to me if he wanted to. He did - orchestrating his climb perfectly so that he could swing off smoothly, give me a high five, and sit down next me. Lol - he just wants to look cool (just like I do, let's be honest). We talked and then he went off and we couldn't stop staring at each other. Then my friend wanted to go, so I left and said good-bye to him.
That was a couple of weeks ago. I haven't heard from him since, and I know school is over and he's probably actually back home now. I feel so sad and frustrated that things have gotten so confusing. I don't know how to tell him that I feel really bad that I wasn't more patient and understanding when he was going through his break up. I don't want him to think I'm apologizing because I want him back, but just because I feel like that's not the type of person I want to be. I don't know how to tell him how bad I feel that I've never told him that I- and I are just friends. Partly because I liked seeing him jealous because it makes me feel like he really did like me, but I regretted it the second I saw how much it hurt him. It just feels like things have gotten out of control and I've really lost him forever. I know that I can move on and probably find someone who is a better fit for me, but I know it's going to take a long time. I've never felt this way about anyone else before and I know that I mean a lot to him too. The worst part is feeling like I didn't do my best. There were things I could have done better especially because I was so insecure from all the shit I had gone through earlier.
Is there anything I can do to make things better? (I especially want to hear from ESFPs) I don't want to date him right now. I want us to get to know each other better, and to not close the door between us in case we want try again in the future. At the very least, I want him to know that I care about him and want him to be happy. I want to be honest with him for once, but I don't know how. I feel like ESFPs and ENFPs are SO similar and yet, there's always so much miscommunication on the surface level.
If you've made it this far, thanks so much for taking the time. It means a lot. ��
(He's an ESFP, I'm an ENFP)A year ago, I moved to a new city where I didn't know anyone. The previous winter I had my heart broken by some guy who just wasn't ready for a relationship but never told me that...just kind of drifted away. It hurt me a lot. We've seen become good friends, but at the time...I think he was just avoiding the conversation. Anyways, I became very close friends with two people in an art class I was taking and the guy was interested in me, always asking me to go to his room, etc. I wasn't sure if I liked him or not, but then I decided that I did. I was very close with the girl friend and eventually told her that I liked the guy, after she pressured the information out of me. Then, a weekend I was away for a wedding, she hooked up with him. That hurt me so much because I thought she was my friend and that she actually cared about me. These two instances right after another really made me feel shitty - like no one cared about me and that I wasn't worth caring about.
After that, I went to the rock climbing gym almost every day to climb out my hurt. I had just started climbing so I was talking to a lot of people I met there, asking them if they had tips etc. Then one day, I ran into this guy who climbed so beautifully and the first thing I thought was "I want to climb like that." I went up to him and asked him if he had any tips. He stared at me so intently that I was taken aback. I tried not to make too much eye contact because I didn't want to send him the wrong message, that I was asking for advice to hit on him, but his eye contact surprised me. He gave me some tips and then told me that he and his friends would be top-roping later and that I should join them. I said ok, and wandered over later to thank him for his advice. He invited me to climb with them again and I did even though I was SO nervous because they were really good and I was basically just stuck on the wall.
He was always so nice and encouraging though and made me feel really safe. He said that he would be back around the same time, and I was like, ok, but didn't think too much about it. His name was D-. I saw him a few days later, and he just kind of avoided looking at me. I thought he was being shy and playing it cool, and I was a little like, really? I was hanging out with a couple of other guys but it was all just fun and light stuff. I was about to leave and he was still kind of avoiding looking at me so I finally just went over and was like, "Hey!" and he got really nervous and was like "Hey! I didn't see you." etc. etc. "Do you want to top-rope?" lol. I was like, "well I was about to leave...but sure." While we were top-roping, he was like, "You seem to be really friendly with a lot of the guys at the gym." I was a little surprised because I didn't know what he was talking about, but I was like, "Well...they're just really friendly to me." We talked a little bit about our lives, but what weirded me out a little bit is that he would often ask me the same questions, like "How long have you been climbing?" and "What do you do here?" He also mentioned that he used to play hockey - it was a big part of his life - but that he quit because he wasn't big enough and he had "other things going for him." He said that the hockey guys were usually 6 feet and he was just 5'8 as if it mattered...I don't know, he just seemed a bit nervous about all of it and I felt bad that he cared so much but I didn't know what to say to make him feel better.
I also found out that he was two years younger than me, which threw me for a loop. I usually date guys older than me and I wasn't sure how I felt about him being younger. I talked to a friend who's dating a guy 4 years younger and she said it's been the healthiest relationship she has had so far, so I felt better about it. But I still was cautious about the whole thing.
At this point, I had met my boss's son, who is my age. His name is I-. He's the exact opposite of "my type" so I wasn't attracted to him when I was first met him, but everyone told me he was really handsome, and now that I've kind of been more objective about it, he probably is the most handsome guy I've hung out with. Tall, strong jaw and cheekbones, lacrosse player, etc. He said he'd always been interested in rock climbing, so I invited him to come with me. We were there one night, and I saw D- there with some other girl and I felt so irrationally angry that it surprised me. I kept telling myself that they were probably just friends just like I- and I were. But it didn't stop me from being extremely distracted and upset and it was the first time I realized that I probably liked D- a lot more than I was letting myself feel (I'm not super aware of my feelings, usually). I ran into him on the way out and he was like "Were you here the whole time?" and I said "yeah," and he said "Why didn't you say hi?" and I said, "well I wasn't sure if I would be bothering you or not." He later introduced me to his friend, who he referred to as a friend, and asked for my number. I was over the moon happy.
He texted me to go climbing a bunch of times and sometimes I would go. At some point, I asked him if he knew anything about the architecture exhibit going up at the university (he's an architecture student, I work at the med school as a writer) and he said that I should let him know when I go so that he can give me a tour of the building. Afterwards, he asked me if I had eaten anything, and we went to a coffeeshop. The lady asked us if we wanted to pay together or separately and I looked at him for answers, because I just didn't know what this was. He reluctantly said "Well...I guess we can pay together," and then I felt bad for making him do something he wasn't expecting to do. During coffee I asked him if he knew how to install an air conditioner and he said that he could come over and do it for me. I wasn't asking him to do that...but he was all, "send me a photo of it so I can see what I'll need to do" etc.
By this point, I had fallen for him really hard. I was insanely physically attracted to him, more than any other guy I've met, and felt some sort of pull towards his personality. I felt like deep down, he cared about other people just as much as I do, and I've never met someone who I felt that similar to in that regard. On the surface though, we are completely different. He grew up extremely extremely wealthy, my family are poor immigrants. He's super athletic, I'm very bookish. And I feel like I think and feel more deeply than he does...when I asked him why he studied art in undergrad, I didn't feel like his reasoning was very similar to why I loved art. But that's ok.
I got really scared though. I wasn't ready to feel so strongly for someone and I was so scared that he would judge me for all the things I didn't like about myself. I think that I'm very easy going and happy and fun around people but I've struggled with a lot over the last few years: depression, eating disorders, etc. etc. I was scared that if he knew who I really was inside, he wouldn't like me anymore.
I installed the air conditioner myself. And sent him a picture later, which he didn't respond to. The next day I knew was his birthday so I texted him happy birthday. He said thanks, sorry for not responding earlier. My friends threw me a surprise birthday party and I got really drunk.
One day, I was climbing with my boss's son, I- and ran into D-. I introduced them and told D- that he should climb with us later if he wanted to. He said ok. Later, when he came over, I was on the wall, struggling to finish. I- was saying "You can do it!" and I looked down and saw D-. He was sitting very far away from I- and looked stony faced. I had never seen him look that before since he was usually so happy and smiley. I tried to catch his eye and he looked at me and smiled. When I finally finished the route and came down, he was like "Will you be really awesome and belay me on this one route?" and I said "sure...that's why I asked you to come climb with us." He chose a very difficult route that he's never finished before when he's with me. But this time, he's struggling so hard to even get started. I- goes over and says "Do you want me to give you a boost?" D- just laughs it off, but I can tell it's affected him a lot. I'm a little mad and annoyed at I- and I'm like "He's done this before." Of course, I know that I- doesn't mean anything by it. In fact, I had just been telling him that a few days later, D- had given me a boost to start a climb I couldn't start, so it must have been on his mind that it was a nice thing to do. Anyways, D - comes off the wall and says "I can't do this anymore," and goes to leave. We stare at each other for a long time, because I'm really hurt and I don't know what to say to him. Then he leaves.
I run into him again as we're all getting ready to leave and he says, "I'll text you the next time I go climbing," which he says a lot. As he's about to leave, I say "Wait." He stops and turns around and I'm so nervous I'm about to chicken out, but I know that I have to say something after seeing me with I-. So I say "Can we...do something other than climb?" He smiles and says, "Yeah, I'll text you."
I'm really happy, but I know it will take some time. But a whole week goes by and I don't hear from him. I start asking my friends for advice, including this one guy who might be an ISTP so I thought he might have a good idea. He told me that I should suggest something more specific to do, that D- was probably just overwhelmed with possibilities. So I text D- to see if he wants to go climbing so that we can talk about it in person. He says sure and we meet up the next day. His demeanor is very different though. He doesn't want to talk and he's not really looking at me. Afterwards I ask him if he's thought at all about what we can do, and he says "no, have you?" Then books it out of the gym. I follow and finally, in the parking lot he turns around and says, "I've been meaning to tell you this for a while, but I'm not looking for anything serious right now. I just got out of a really bad breakup." I was in shock. I remember looking at the fence behind him, feeling like I had just been slapped on the face.
Turns out his previous girlfriend had ghosted him and went back to her old boyfriend and this had happened right around the time we met. He looked so hurt and he kept saying things like, "She made all the moves," and "I feel like I get too vulnerable too easily," and "I haven't been in a relationship for a long time, a whole year," and "I dodged a bullet though, because there were all these red flags and I found out that she's a pathological liar." etc. etc. I felt very bad for him, but my brain also couldn't process what was going on. I said that I didn't know what I wanted and he said he didn't either, but that he wasn't ready for anything serious. He told me to take my time to think about it.
I cried all the way home. I couldn't think straight for the next couple of days. All I could muster is that most of the guys I'd dated previously we'd managed to stay friends so maybe we could be friends. I told him that I wasn't looking for casual sex, but I'd be willing to be friends. He said he was ok with being friends too.
We ran into each other pretty much the next day at the climbing gym and he seemed really happy to see me. We climbed together and had a lot of fun. I was also more relaxed, now that the pressure was off. The owner of the gym for some reason was flirting with me a lot too and talkign to me while D- was on the wall (funny thing is, noone talks to me when I'm with I-...they all think we're dating. But most people don't hesitate to talk to me when I'm with D-). D- seemed pretty upset when he came off the wall, and later in the parking lot, he asked me if I wanted to do something later. I was surprised, but I just assumed that he wanted to be friends and hang out in other contexts than the climbing gym. We made plans to hang out at this bar arcade because I LOVE playing games.
Later, he texted me and said, "Sorry I've been sending mixed messages. You came into my life at a really weird time. After my ex and I broke up, I told myself that I wouldn't get into another relationship again. But I don't want to mess up a chance we might have between us. Maybe we could try and take this slowly" etc. etc. He said he didn't want me out of his life. I was so touched by the message. I told him that I was fine with taking it slowly, as long as we were open and honest with each other.
We hung out at the bar arcade later and I could just tell that he wasn't really into it. He even asked me while we were playing one of those car racing games if I drive. Of course I drive, he's seen me and my car a million times at the climbing gym. Something didn't feel right and I could just tell he was pulling away from me. Afterwards, he told me he was going home to visit his parents because he hadn't seen them in a while. He didn't text me afterwards. I didn't hear from him for almost three weeks. I missed him so much, but I didn't want to rush him. One weekend though, I texted him something funny about a girl I saw at the climbing gym and he didn't reply. A couple of hours later, I asked him if everything was ok. He didn't reply. I got scared again and so angry and hurt. I told him that I didn't think I could do this anymore. I told him that if he wanted to talk through what happened with his ex, it might help, and I coudl understand what he was going through better. I told him that I was really scared. And I told him that if he didn't want to talk, that I would rather just move on.
He texted me a day later and said that he said we should just be friends. He said I'm sorry for leading you on, that wasn't my intention. He said I'm just not at the place where I can care about someone else right now. I encourage you to move on.
It obviously was not what I was expecting. I had wanted him to be willing to work things out or to apologize for not replying. We tried to be friends and hang out a bit, but I felt so down that I could barely get out of bed. My stomach and chest started hurting really badly. I told him that I might need some time and he said that was fine.
The feeling never went away. I started second guessing everything that I had done and what I could have done better. I blamed myself a lot, for not being a better, more patient person. I questioned whether he (or any of the other guys before me) really liked me at all. But I convinced myself that things would be fine. So a few months later, I told him that I was ready to be friends again and that I missed him. I didn't hear from him for a whole day and I got really mad and hurt again. The next night, I was climbing with a friend of mine, and turned around and saw him walk through the door and right by me with an extremely stony expression on his face. He literally looked at me, didn't register, and kept walking. I was SO angry. I couldn't believe that he would be a person that would do this. I did find him afterwards though and he said "hey." It was a bit awkward and then he said, "I texted you back by the way." "Did you?" I said. I didn't know whether he was telling the truth or not because I hadn't brought my phone to the gym. We joked around about a few other things and then I said I had to go. I was still feeling really hurt. He looked at me really intensely, but I broke eye contact and left.
He did text me back. He said that he was going to gym that time but I should let him know if I was going again. I texted him back and said I was sorry for being angry the night before. I said that I thought he was ignoring me because he walked right by me without acknowledging me. He said he hadn't seen me because he only saw me from far away (so I don't think he understood what I was saying, but I didn't bother correcting him). He said he missed me too and to let him know when I was climbing next. I said ok, but let me know when you're going too because I usually only go when other people are there. He didn't reply to that, but I figured it didn't really need a response. A few weeks later, I told him I was going with friends if he wanted to come, and he didn't respond to that either.
A few months later, I ran into him again. I averted my eyes because I didn't know what to say and there had just been so much fear and hurt involved in all of this. He didn't say anything either, when we passed by each other in the locker room. But then I thought it was stupid to walk right by him and not say anything, so later I said hi. He got really nervous and said, "Oh were you in there? I didn't notice." We talked about a few things but he seemed really distant and kept edging away. I was so hurt because it felt like he didn't want to talk to me. But our conversation was fun and just
had that spark as always.
Then the next day, my friends and I went to the big hockey game at our university. I briefly imagined seeing D- there because I knew hockey was a big deal to him, but literally the rink was PACKED and there were THOUSANDS of people. No chance of seeing him there. But when I found where my friends were standing and looked to my right, there he was...two people down, standing with his parents. I was shook. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to say hi to him but I was too scared to, especially since he had seemed so distant the day before. So we basically just stood next to each other, not knowing what to do. I thought that maybe after the game, he would say hi, but he just turned and left.
By this point, I had made peace intellectually with the fact that we would just be friends. I didn't want to deal with the stress of what we had going on before, and I knew that I needed to focus on my own health. I've started going to therapy and things have changed a lot for me for the better. But I still felt really strongly for him and I wanted him to know that. So I texted him the next day and said, Hey I saw you at the hockey game but I didn't know if you wanted to say hi or not. I'm fine with being friends, but I want to feel like what I felt for you was real and something something. I forget. I think he misunderstood me, because he texted back later, "Yeah I was with my parents and didn't see you until the end of the game. Honestly, I think you're exaggerating what happened between us and it's pushing me away. We were friends before, went on one date, and then I had hoped that we would be friends later, but then it just got too awkward." I said that yeah, maybe I took things more seriously than he did (although thinking back on it, I REALLY think he just misunderstood me. I made it sound like we had a relationship maybe, but that's not what I believe. I was just trying to tell him how much I liked him and still like him, but I was too scared to say it in a direct way.) I said it was ok, I just want to be able to say hi to him whenever I wanted to. He said yeah he didn't want it to be weird between us either and that he liked hanging out with me and would love to climb with me.
I saw him again with I- and of course, D- was very upset. He made an effort to say hello and goodbye though, I think after I made a big fuss about it, lol. I did tell him that I was sorry for making him feel uncomfortable. We saw each other a couple of times after that, and always had a great time. He told me to text him the next time I was going climbing, and I said ok, but inside I felt sad because I felt like I didn't feel the same about him anymore. I still really liked him, but the whole thing was taking too much out of me. He asked me where I- was and I asked him why he wanted to know. "just wondering," he said.
Weeks later, I did ask him if he wanted to go climbing, because he was getting more and more upset everytime he saw me with I- and I wanted to make him feel better. I sent lots of smiley faces and he replied back right away and said sorry I went two days in a row, but next week definitely. When he saw I- at the gym that Friday, I could tell he was looking for me, because he did the whole, looking at me but look quickly away to see if I was looking. I just tried to keep it normal and smiled and waved at him and I guess he felt safe enough to talk to me. The attraction between us in those moments is off the charts. Some little boy had to say excuse me to get past us. But then I- came off the wall and asked me a question (I- and I have become very close..I've spent weekends with him, etc. because we know that there's nothing between us). D- leaves and later I see him looking very down. I don't know what to say and I feel SO bad. I want to tell him that there's nothing going on between I- and me but I don't know how to bring it up since he's never asked straight out. I'm afraid that he's going to be all, "What? Why are you makign a big deal out of this? I don't care about I- at all" and make me feel stupid. So I text him the next day and ask him if he wants to go see this movie that (honestly) nobody else wants to go see and my little brother is making me go see it. He doesn't reply. I'm worried that he thinks I'm asking him on a date, so I text him back and tell him that I'm not asking him on a date, but I didn't feel the need to spell it out earlier, because we've talked about it so much. He wrote back immediately, "I'm not ignoring you, don't worry. I'm just really busy with finals coming up, I'm getting slammed. I'll let you know when I'm done." I said cool.
Saw him again at the gym, got shy and looked away, and he passed by without saying anything. The next time I saw him, he ignored me again, but I just kept looking at him so he knew I wanted to talk to him, but just let him talk to me if he wanted to. He did - orchestrating his climb perfectly so that he could swing off smoothly, give me a high five, and sit down next me. Lol - he just wants to look cool (just like I do, let's be honest). We talked and then he went off and we couldn't stop staring at each other. Then my friend wanted to go, so I left and said good-bye to him.
That was a couple of weeks ago. I haven't heard from him since, and I know school is over and he's probably actually back home now. I feel so sad and frustrated that things have gotten so confusing. I don't know how to tell him that I feel really bad that I wasn't more patient and understanding when he was going through his break up. I don't want him to think I'm apologizing because I want him back, but just because I feel like that's not the type of person I want to be. I don't know how to tell him how bad I feel that I've never told him that I- and I are just friends. Partly because I liked seeing him jealous because it makes me feel like he really did like me, but I regretted it the second I saw how much it hurt him. It just feels like things have gotten out of control and I've really lost him forever. I know that I can move on and probably find someone who is a better fit for me, but I know it's going to take a long time. I've never felt this way about anyone else before and I know that I mean a lot to him too. The worst part is feeling like I didn't do my best. There were things I could have done better especially because I was so insecure from all the shit I had gone through earlier.
Is there anything I can do to make things better? (I especially want to hear from ESFPs) I don't want to date him right now. I want us to get to know each other better, and to not close the door between us in case we want try again in the future. At the very least, I want him to know that I care about him and want him to be happy. I want to be honest with him for once, but I don't know how. I feel like ESFPs and ENFPs are SO similar and yet, there's always so much miscommunication on the surface level.
If you've made it this far, thanks so much for taking the time. It means a lot. ��
