Never experienced that, usually the reason I don't make new friends is because I don't talk to anyone.

You should talk to them about it, this seems like very unusual behaviour for friends.

 

never experienced that, usually the reason i don't make new friends is because i don't talk to anyone.

qft

 

INTJ's probably have a higher probability of social awkwardness or even disfunction. However, it can be related to the individual's level of maturity.

Part of socialization is learning how to adapt to communal boundaries. Those boundaries change from one community to another. You may not be recognizing those boundaries and your personality may be overpowering others.

You might have a lot of information to share. But generally information sharing does not a friend make, unless it's information that they really want and need. In short you need to find shallower topics of discussion (one that you aren't strongly attached to) to relate to those people who don't necessarily want a professor for a friend.


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I can vaguely remember that far back, but if I recall correctly I had one good friend who broke away from me due to her finding a larger group of pals. Otherwise, I did not have any friends but I did not initiate conversations with anyone.

So, how assertive are you? Is there a possibility of social phobia? Do you even want to make friends in your school? This has got to be on your end, and it isn't as simple as being an INTJ.

 

Well I most certainly used to have a hard time being assertive when I started highschool, now its no problem. I may not be the most assertive person out there, but I will speak up when I believe there is a problem or when I think people should know something.
and I get that there probably is a problem on my end, I really am just not aware of it.
and honestly... I dont know whether I want friends or not. I want something, some sort of connection, but so far I don't seem to be enjoying my friendships anywhere near as much as everyone else does. I could never get comfortable enough with anyone to fully unlock my personality around them, so I guess you could say I have social anxiety.

 

Wait I'll answer for you. "What the hell is a vibe?"

 

The feeling you get from looking at someone. Your eyes see a large amount of complex, subtle data when you look at someone and your subconscious intuition translates it into emotions and impressions.

 

It sounds like you have poor social skills. This has less to do with being an INTJ and more of just you. I would know, I was socially retarded and anxious for various reasons from about late elementary to early high school.

My advice would be to take a step back from everything and take a hard, honest look at who you are and what you do. If you can do this and possess a certain degree of self-awareness and introspection, I guarantee you will find flaws that you can then target and fix.

 

I think that INTJs might seem kinda detached, which may be mistaken for arrogance. I dont know that many INTJ people, so my generalization could be invalid. I would say that we can be quite intimidating, especially the ones with superiority complex. I can be quite sociable but I dont like people in general. Not having so many friends is partly my decision and partly the "bad vibe" you mentioned (I am told often that people are scared of me).
It is weird, though, that people were friendly with you and now they are not. I would say that bad vibe applies to first impression mainly. It could be "natural" process, friendships dont always last forever. You might want to look back at your actions lately, perhaps you are going through something bad and you can act more harshly or something. Dunno.

 

I haven't had much experience with INTJs until recently. I found these particular individuals to be very intense (which I can relate to and liked that about them) however, they take themselves and what they do EXTREMELY seriously. That put me off a little. I wouldn't exactly call it an arrogant vibe, which some of you were talking about, but it was certainly intimidating. At times, yes, I found them to be somewhat unapproachable.

I should probably also add that these guys happened to be directors :tongue:

 

I like to think I give off the, "I'm not threatening, but I would love to snap a neck for fun vibe" which often relates to a confused look on my face of who's going to try me or if anyone knows what I'm thinking.

 

When I was a kid, sure. I was awkward, cryptic, and creepy. I probably scared people. Not as an adult. I forced myself into social engagements, and through failure taught myself some small-talk. I knew socialization was one of my weaknesses. Now I'm often among the most extroverted, friendly, courteous, and confident person in the room. No master, nor natural, but I've been a very good "student."

 

Yes we do. But not to the extent you are talking about. I find socializing a very laborious and forced activity; however ive learnt to appreciate its benefits now(makes life much simpler).

Anyways i guess the question you should be asking is that, whether you want to be friends with such people? If you did find them interesting, you'd get along with them better.

But overall yes, socializing is not a natural attribute for the INTJs, but its a necessary evil.

 

in High school I never blended with the crowd, I kept my distance from everyone, later in life I forced myself to connect with people (part of the learning curve) and after few years I found it exhausting and most people do not worth my time so lately I decided to get back to my cave of thoughts and ideas, the interesting thing is that I learned so much about social events and how people expect you to behave or speak so whenever the is a social event I can put on my mask and blend quit easily.

 

Mask? eh I am completely against masks. I want people to see me for who I am and apreciate me for who I am. I used to have a mask, and I did start making a bunch of friends. but honestly they werent good friends, as they left me as soon as they found something they didn't like about me. plus masks are stressful. im not an ENFP here :laughing:

 

This reminded me the first time my mother saw a photo of my INTJ and she said "That look...He gives me a bad energy". Real.

 

is she an ENFJ? just taking a guess here.

 

I dont think you give off bad vibes, you are just more into speculation.

 

I believe it's more of an arrogance, I'm independent, don't talk to me, vibe.. So yes, in a way.

The same thing happens to me. I talk to people, they leave, short answers indicating that they have no interest in talking to me. Although, the situation you're describing seems like something that happens to everyone, not exclusive to INTJ's. You go to school, people are glad to see you, but they make new friends and pull away. It is a new school year after all.

I've found that talking to people with a lot of similar interests helps. They stay longer, you are interesting to them and they are interesting to you.

 

I believe it's more of a arrogance, I'm independent, don't talk to me, vibe.. So yes, in a way.

The same thing happens to me. I talk to people, they leave, short answers indicating that they have no interest in talking to me. Although, the situation you're describing seems like something that happens to everyone, not exclusive to INTJ's. You go to school, people are glad to see you, but they make new friends and pull away. It is a new school year after all.

I've found that talking to people with a lot of similar interests helps. They stay longer, you are interesting to them and they are interesting to you.

best answer I yet I think. thanks that actually gives me some ideas.

 

I agree with @Arcane about shared interests. Especially if you can go do an activity that distracts from being social to a certain extent. Then people can see the real you without pretense and realize subliminally that you're just another person like them doing the activity.

For example, I do this acting workshop thing every other week. I can be very stoic and reserved on the surface (esp. around strangers or acquaintances), but when people see me get up there and be vulnerable in front of the camera, it tells them a different story - that there's another side of me. And I think that helps alleviate some of the social awkwardness I still carry around.

 

I've managed to always give off a "cool" vibe. (In high school, I was very much a strange, quiet kid, but in the 'group' I hung around and ate with, they all thought I was "so cool".) And now, in the place I live, everyone consistently refers to me as "cool". I think it has less to do with my 'style' or anything and more to do with the fact that I act like I don't care if people are talking to me. (Because, well, I don't.) But around and in places where I'm supposed to be warm and friendly, my lack of will for social interaction has gotten me into trouble, and so has my sarcastic sense of humor

 

Vibes are a strange and erratic creature... I think INTJs tend to give off cold vibes for the most part, which can dampen the prospects of having a lively social life, but we are far from unidimensional. Individual vibes will vary.

I've been told I give off vibes of many frequencies. They range from angry to hyper-friendly (Sometimes I overcompensate for my usually stoic demeanor by smiling too much. It's a struggle to know when and how much to smile...). It varies by day and seems to correlate with my mood.

My vibes are variously interpreted, in ways I cannot claim to comprehend. Once a homeless man grabbed my hand, massaged it thoroughly, and said I had "very feminine energy." Other times, people get a distinctly masculine vibe from me. In an anonymous feedback form after my undergraduate students' midterm, it was brought to my attention that I am painfully awkward... (I am admittedly quite awkward, but it's not painful.) Another one of my students wrote I was cool. I don't know what to do with the mixed feedback.

 

I completely know what you're talking about. I've been dealing with exactly the same thing recently. I have two close friends, but throughout the semester, I have made a conscious effort to try to make more friends, or at least get to know people better. I try to keep things lighthearted and try to seem more approachable, but people either barely acknowledge my existence, or they ignore me altogether. They'll smile and say "yeah" and that's it. People whom I've known for years will talk to me for a few seconds, then walk off or turn away.
I'm not socially inept, either. I'm confident in most situations, like when I'm putting myself out there to meet new people.

So I don't even know why I'm ignored. It's more frustrating than anything else.

 

No matter how much effort we put in, something will always be "off" about us. Unless we're acting really well, and for that, we need to be in control and aware of, and be willing to, manipulate our body language (eg. unswerving death stare). Not to mention our functions are stacked in a way that puts us at a disadvantage.

The inferior Se, but also Si being our 8th function, which is why we have trouble recalling experiences and details. All that makes small talk very difficult, especially with the sensor world (est. 3/4 of the population), when you can't even remember what you talked about or what happened yesterday. And the 7th function Fe makes us less willing and able to connect with others. Oh and almost forgot, the real curse is probably Ni, a perceiving function, as our leading function, which leads us to spend most of our times in our heads, which in my case at least, even happens when I'm talking to someone. I'll be talking to them, but half my brain will be somewhere else, with me hardly being aware of it.

:bored:

 

I've found, personally, that I have an issue working out exactly which things I've been saying to people and which I've just been talking about in my head. This can lead to my thought processes being difficult to follow - and understandably so - which puts people off. There have also been instances when my closest friends have pulled away from me somewhat due to me not playing along with them i.e. when my friend asked what it would be like if animals were as smart as humans, I went into a monologue on how we can never really know how smart animals are by comparison because we judge everything from our own perspectives, using human implements to measure human-constructed things which make up the word 'smart', also defined by humans.

 

I think so, even though the INTJ's I know mean well.

 

You would have to give out more detail than you are giving right now. In exactly what way are you initiating these conversations? What conversational interaction was the "turning point" for you and the coldness you feel from these "friends"? Did you fail to meet or adhere to common social rituals that usually put others at ease? I'm not shifting blame on you, I just want to know where you're coming from. It's easy to dismiss people and stuff like that, but analysis is what INTJs are prone to engage in. One can say they don't care about how they are perceived socially all they like, but INTJs are compelled to figure out the why behind a situation, social interactions notwithstanding. You may be over-analyzing things a bit, coming up with narratives that don't really match the situation. Check that theory out against reality before assuming anything else. Act as you would when things were going well for you socially. Still be friendly and open without appearing desperate. People are people, and sometimes their problems are just that: their problems. Don't take their neglect toward you to heart. That's just peripheral fluff you have to go through before deciding if there's an actual issue.

People are fickle. I can recall when "friends" would have entire conversations in front of me, without any regard for my presence at all. It didn't help that I was really self-conscious at the time and was going through things emotionally that I didn't have the vocabulary to express. Most just expect you to jump in, and for an intuitive thinker making headway into social interactions is difficult without a set protocol. Add the fact that you're in the statistical minority type-wise, it's going to be very hard to find even the most understanding teenager/adult to level with you. *Sigh* Just know that one day your quirks, if they don't get in the way of your happiness, will be an asset rather than a liability. However, it's up to you to remain open enough so that others can realize it.

Best of luck.:happy:

 

I've had a similar experience with high school but I learned I was an ADD'er and I'm pretty sure that was why. People we're always upset with me because I didn't pay attention to what they were doing or saying. It may be this is your problem? Not saying you have ADD but you might be too spacey and not give enough attention to the people you want to talk to (inferior Se sucks). If you feel like you can't change how much attention you give to things though that implies ADD... or just that you simply don't give two fucks about high school.

Anyways, people will tell you high school is the best time of your life. People just say that because high school is easy and everything else after is stressful. Personally I find dealing with the real world to be exciting and that high school is so easy it is plain boring, you might feel this way too and it might be why you're not giving your all into personal relationships.

In my opinion, the best time of your life is whenever you want it to be, don't let people say otherwise.

 

thank you, I appreciate it :happy:

I do realise now that my social life is the least of my problems. from what I can tell, I am probably the dumbest INTJ I have heard of. I dont really get good marks in school, mostly because I am not very good at paying attention (you're right, inferior SE sucks) and im not really dedicated, and I am very unstable

Im glad you had an easy time in highschool! great advice too.

 

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Not a bad vibe. Just a "don't bother us" vibe, which makes it difficult when you actually do want us to pay attention to you. Sorry we're not telepathic…