What are some indicators a person might be Sx-last in their stacking? Interested to see what some "consequences" of having a low stacked Sx instinct might look like.
General Signs Of An SX-Last Stacking
Coburn
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In my experience (I have a few of these in my immediate family) they tend to be the kind of people that don't get attached to any idea, hobby, thing or person with much intensity. My dad is sp/so and my mom's so/sp, and they both never had hobbies they were really intense about (except sports.... a *team* effort that they enjoyed for the social aspect much more than the act itself). You'd never hear them say "oh my gosh I just LOVE ____". Neither had close friends but had many acquaintances and connections through church and other organizations. They were a lot more preoccupied about the organizations they belonged to than the company they kept.
It was a very odd environment to grow up in. I had several very close friends that I am still best friends with now which tends to boggle their minds often, and they constantly could not understand why I didn't want to play a team sport but wanted to play piano constantly. It always irritated me that they expected me to maintain shallow relationships with people we all agreed were insufferable for the sake of some 'bigger picture' bullshit. I have no patience for that at all.
This is all anecdotal so I'm sure it doesn't hold for all sx-last peeps, but that's my experience!
It was a very odd environment to grow up in. I had several very close friends that I am still best friends with now which tends to boggle their minds often, and they constantly could not understand why I didn't want to play a team sport but wanted to play piano constantly. It always irritated me that they expected me to maintain shallow relationships with people we all agreed were insufferable for the sake of some 'bigger picture' bullshit. I have no patience for that at all.
This is all anecdotal so I'm sure it doesn't hold for all sx-last peeps, but that's my experience!
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What's a sign of being Sx-last? When 90% of this thread makes no damn sense to you - with the exception of a few posts that make you think "That sounds kinda cool...." most of it just elicits WTF reactions.
On a slightly more serious note....I wonder if an actual discomfort with personal, one-to-one closeness is a sign of Sx-last. And feeling a certain exhaustion from attempts from others to get close. I know I experience both of those, particularly in comparison to some Sx-leads I know. I know a few people who are Sx-leads and sometimes I feel like I'm just dragged along by their intensity. Yes, it's tiring after talking to them for a while.
On a slightly more serious note....I wonder if an actual discomfort with personal, one-to-one closeness is a sign of Sx-last. And feeling a certain exhaustion from attempts from others to get close. I know I experience both of those, particularly in comparison to some Sx-leads I know. I know a few people who are Sx-leads and sometimes I feel like I'm just dragged along by their intensity. Yes, it's tiring after talking to them for a while.
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I guess for me with low SX is that I have other things to be doing with my time than finding experiences to merge in such a way that you lose yourself, this quite frankly disturbs me, lol! Losing oneself through another where you have to struggle to find a sense of self again is quite a horrible experience. I do merge with others but it's for short bouts, we have access to all 3 instincts. I find instincts in general to be a bit too abstract sometimes, when I first started learning about them, I thought it was fascinating they could tell you things like how you interact with the environment, how much you avoid intimacy and so on. I just say I need a lot of time to myself and protective over what is mine, SP domness is very evident throughout my entire life. Another thing is that I like things to be on an even keel, maybe with a few radical moments here and there to keep a sense of aliveness and purpose of existing but I don't want to be overwhelmed. I've typed predominately SP/SOC with maybe slightly stronger SX than an SX last, I do think it would be odd to not ever be focused on SX stuff at any point in your life. It's a little like the SP lasts though who don't have a sense of boundaries the same way as SP firsts do and project this on others until they understand that not everyone is as much of an intimacy junkie as them.
Yes.
Can you explain how you know that?
I'm trying to figure out what my instinctual variant order is.
I don't identify with any of the 3. But others have said I'm likely sx last.
What I notice with normal Sp and So people is that while they are typically friendly and grounded, they don't contribute a merging energy to the conversations you have with them. It's as if they are unaware of, or even uncomfortable with someone else is zeroing in on them and only them in dialogue. As an So/Sx when I communicate with other people, I subconsciously put effort into what I'm saying to draw individuals to connect with, and let me know they have connected with. Having that shared "effort" is what creates an atmosphere that you are "intimately" into each others' energy, and pick up on each others' changing needs and wants, and how you relate with them. With So and Sp people, you don't get a prolonged sense that they are responding to this effort, which can be mistaken for thinking they aren't listening, aren't interested in talking to you, etc.
This can be a strange paradox, because So and Sp people often know a lot of facts about other people or their outer world, which makes it sound as if they have relations (and they do!) - just not merged ones. The best way I can put it is that they seem very involved, but not deeply engaged. And, perceiving this isn't a clearly conscious feeling you get - it's a fuzzy, vague lack you feel even when you are getting along great and share a friendship.
My biggest heartbreak was with an So/Sp girl (ESFP, type 7) back in college. We would talk about all kinds of interesting things for hours, and we really, really clicked well and understood each other while talking. But looking back, I unconsciously would throw stuff out as a kind of offering "here's me, where are you?," and she would just kind of acknowledge it informationally without returning the Sx-ish "self energy," which made it seem like I wasn't being matched. We got along really well, but there wasn't a merging of personal charisma. My dad (type 6, So/Sp) is the exact same way, and it's the same deal - we can talk about topics fine, but never delve past externalities. It feels disappointing to me, probably as invasive as it feels to them.
An unrelated point - people who are Sx can also repel each other just as much as attract. We're all very prone to discussing Sx in a positive way here
This can be a strange paradox, because So and Sp people often know a lot of facts about other people or their outer world, which makes it sound as if they have relations (and they do!) - just not merged ones. The best way I can put it is that they seem very involved, but not deeply engaged. And, perceiving this isn't a clearly conscious feeling you get - it's a fuzzy, vague lack you feel even when you are getting along great and share a friendship.
My biggest heartbreak was with an So/Sp girl (ESFP, type 7) back in college. We would talk about all kinds of interesting things for hours, and we really, really clicked well and understood each other while talking. But looking back, I unconsciously would throw stuff out as a kind of offering "here's me, where are you?," and she would just kind of acknowledge it informationally without returning the Sx-ish "self energy," which made it seem like I wasn't being matched. We got along really well, but there wasn't a merging of personal charisma. My dad (type 6, So/Sp) is the exact same way, and it's the same deal - we can talk about topics fine, but never delve past externalities. It feels disappointing to me, probably as invasive as it feels to them.
An unrelated point - people who are Sx can also repel each other just as much as attract. We're all very prone to discussing Sx in a positive way here
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I perceive myself as lacking passion and I have linked this to being sx-last, but depression (or other personal circumstances) and enneatype factor in this sentiment. I don't lack passion, but I feel like I do a lot. A person I tried to date told me he thought of me as someone passionate and I couldn't accept it because I feel kinda dead at times, empty and dull, but I was pleased he saw that in me (I wonder how true my self-perception is, like always, but this is getting out of topic). My passion comes in bursts. I also don't think I am very addictive, in either way: I don't think others get addicted to me or I get addicted to things. I've had my moments of temporary healthy "obsession" (I am kinda obsessed with the enneagram though and it has lasted a good lustrum with a hiatus of 1-2 years). If you ask me if I pursue my passions, I'd say shamefully that I truly don't, but I know fear has more to do with it than being sx-last.
About intimacy, I feel like I have problem being intimate with others: I don't feel comfortable showing affection (in physical form) to others, especially in public (PDA), but I am unsure if I can attribute this to being sx-last. I've never been in a relationship (ever) and the closest I have fallen in love was with the guy I talked about in the other paragraph. I wouldn't count it because it didn't feel like I thought it would feel by the things media and others tell me about love. I didn't feel inebriated and losing sleep over him. I guess I wanted that sx feeling that I think maybe I can't feel. Sad. Kinda. Lately I've been thinking about becoming more self-sexual, to satisfy my needs without having another, and I think I'd do just fine, but it won't vanish the yearning for some company. But sometimes I feel like I don't want it because I crave some connection or intimacy, but because I want to have the experience; love becomes something I haven't tried yet and I think that is kinda sx-last. When I was younger and still now but less often, I couldn’t get how someone would be so focused on another person and waste emotions to express heartbreak or falling in love or something similar. I was seeing it everywhere, in music and movies, and I felt out of it. I thought I had better reasons to feel sad about and I looked down on it. Now I see and appreciate the beauty in it (the more sappy ones are just unbearable), but I rarely feel it or imagine me in that situation; I don't feel like those words can come out of my mouth.
[After some walking and thinking, I realized that I didn't make a point here. What I was trying to say is that love for me is about being close. It's more physical, more sensual and erotic. If words of love must come out of my mouth are going to be about the body, without being vulgar. I fantasize about love, I say I do, but actually I fantasize about sex. Almost all the scenarios are sexual or being physical with each other. I think this could be the sp.]
About others, I don't have a lot of acquaintances and I keep to myself. I don't feel very involved, but I like getting to know people, asking them questions, getting to know them, but Figure is right, I don't think I get deeper; I wouldn't call it superficial, but it kinda is.
This is my experience, but I think there must be something sx-last about the things I said.
About intimacy, I feel like I have problem being intimate with others: I don't feel comfortable showing affection (in physical form) to others, especially in public (PDA), but I am unsure if I can attribute this to being sx-last. I've never been in a relationship (ever) and the closest I have fallen in love was with the guy I talked about in the other paragraph. I wouldn't count it because it didn't feel like I thought it would feel by the things media and others tell me about love. I didn't feel inebriated and losing sleep over him. I guess I wanted that sx feeling that I think maybe I can't feel. Sad. Kinda. Lately I've been thinking about becoming more self-sexual, to satisfy my needs without having another, and I think I'd do just fine, but it won't vanish the yearning for some company. But sometimes I feel like I don't want it because I crave some connection or intimacy, but because I want to have the experience; love becomes something I haven't tried yet and I think that is kinda sx-last. When I was younger and still now but less often, I couldn’t get how someone would be so focused on another person and waste emotions to express heartbreak or falling in love or something similar. I was seeing it everywhere, in music and movies, and I felt out of it. I thought I had better reasons to feel sad about and I looked down on it. Now I see and appreciate the beauty in it (the more sappy ones are just unbearable), but I rarely feel it or imagine me in that situation; I don't feel like those words can come out of my mouth.
[After some walking and thinking, I realized that I didn't make a point here. What I was trying to say is that love for me is about being close. It's more physical, more sensual and erotic. If words of love must come out of my mouth are going to be about the body, without being vulgar. I fantasize about love, I say I do, but actually I fantasize about sex. Almost all the scenarios are sexual or being physical with each other. I think this could be the sp.]
About others, I don't have a lot of acquaintances and I keep to myself. I don't feel very involved, but I like getting to know people, asking them questions, getting to know them, but Figure is right, I don't think I get deeper; I wouldn't call it superficial, but it kinda is.
This is my experience, but I think there must be something sx-last about the things I said.
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I am 7w6 sp/sx, but I find I play best with others, when they have an SX variant somewhere in their stacking. The reason for this, is that I find that SX last tend to lack passion. It is hard to develop rapport and intimacy with them. They feel a bit dull, and there just seems to be a lack of emotional intensity.
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I know this was supposed to be snarky, but I definitely get a sense that Sx-lead and Sx-last have different conceptions of intensity:
For the Sx-lead a lack of passion and intensity is what's discomfiting and strange.
For the Sx-last experiencing it is what feels weird and alien.
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As an SP first, it feels terrifying and overwhelming but then I'm a 5; so that is par for the course, I guess.
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Ah, this makes me wonder if I might be sx-last... intimacy and closeness, especially one-on-one, terrifies me. Feels weird and like something I shouldn't be involved in. I get past a certain point of closeness with someone, and all the anxious, uncomfortable feelings flood in, urging me to get away.
I don't know if it's general anxiety and the result of bad experiences, or genuine sx-last. Shrug.
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that would explain a lot actually
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Well, I know you said this probably doesn't hold for all sx-last people, but I'm just gonna elaborate and say that I don't relate to this too much. I certainly have independent interests, but they don't tend to manifest in an all-encompassing sx way for the most part. And I was never really into team sports or any of that stuff. (It comes off as really...fake and artificial to me.) By my SO leaks out in other ways. I like being part of something...like a fandom, or a small group of friends, etc. But it has to be something I do on my own terms and something I'm personally into, not just for the sake of socializing. I think there may have been other factors at work there other than instinctual stacking.
For me, sx last combined with sp dom is sort of like this...barrier to intimacy. I can self-disclose to some degree, even share some things about myself for the sake of wanting validation...someone to understand me. But when it comes to merging, losing myself in another person...that unnerves me. Even thoughts about sex with an actual person unnerves me. Even in my fantasies, it's always some fictional characters doing sexy things rather than me. I even don't like the idea of someone suddenly moving in with me. (Roommates may be different, since that's something you're agreeing to from the beginning.) But I kinda like having my own space, my own little sanctuary so to speak.
So yeah, not sure if any of that was helpful but I thought I'd add my two cents.
http://personalitycafe.com/enneagra...lity-theory-forum/154046-sp-so-so-sp-how-do-you-experience-sexual-instinct.html
http://personalitycafe.com/enneagram-personality-theory-forum/133881-so-sp-exceptionally-lonely.html
I'm kind of tired and don't feel like elucidating much or discussing what I see in the above thread links, but I thought they'd be of interest.
These are just some observances I'm kind of throwing from the top of my head (there are also more interesting, relevant things in the links I posted):
- I've seen some Sx-last posters say they don't think of / desire romantic relationships that much, but I think a lot of Sx-first and secondaries generally tend to always want / fancy the idea of a partnership in their life?
- I remember one Sx-last typer said when multiple men were interested in her, that she'd "pick" whoever seemed the most interested in her. I saw this post too long ago to remember dating context details, but I suppose I'm another Sp/Sx on this website, and I found this bizarre. I focus on our interpersonal chemistry to select who I'm going to do anything with.
- I think this is more of an Sp/So thing, but I've seen posts from them or partners of their typing say their ideal partnership living arrangement would involve separate homes.
- I remember one So/Sp poster said they were friends with their partner years before they actually got involved -- waiting that long would have driven me mad personally, I'd have bailed, lol. I'd have gotten infatuated probably not long after getting to know them if we were compatible enough to date in the first place too, if that had something to do with the "delay". I think most Sx-users would have wanted to get on with things long before then.
- Oh, and keeping people on your network by what they could do for you (So-last might do this to extents though?)
Anyway, some of the details I recalled from Sx-lasters may not apply to all Sx-last, but I think they tend to be much more frequently Sx-last characteristics.
http://personalitycafe.com/enneagram-personality-theory-forum/133881-so-sp-exceptionally-lonely.html
I'm kind of tired and don't feel like elucidating much or discussing what I see in the above thread links, but I thought they'd be of interest.
These are just some observances I'm kind of throwing from the top of my head (there are also more interesting, relevant things in the links I posted):
- I've seen some Sx-last posters say they don't think of / desire romantic relationships that much, but I think a lot of Sx-first and secondaries generally tend to always want / fancy the idea of a partnership in their life?
- I remember one Sx-last typer said when multiple men were interested in her, that she'd "pick" whoever seemed the most interested in her. I saw this post too long ago to remember dating context details, but I suppose I'm another Sp/Sx on this website, and I found this bizarre. I focus on our interpersonal chemistry to select who I'm going to do anything with.
- I think this is more of an Sp/So thing, but I've seen posts from them or partners of their typing say their ideal partnership living arrangement would involve separate homes.
- I remember one So/Sp poster said they were friends with their partner years before they actually got involved -- waiting that long would have driven me mad personally, I'd have bailed, lol. I'd have gotten infatuated probably not long after getting to know them if we were compatible enough to date in the first place too, if that had something to do with the "delay". I think most Sx-users would have wanted to get on with things long before then.
- Oh, and keeping people on your network by what they could do for you (So-last might do this to extents though?)
Anyway, some of the details I recalled from Sx-lasters may not apply to all Sx-last, but I think they tend to be much more frequently Sx-last characteristics.
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Hmm...yeah, I'm gonu need something visual to understand this Sx last thing...just keeps going over my head. Anyone know a good Youtube clip on it?
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