I feel for you. I know an ISFJ parent who is very supportive, but exactly as you describe it: it's conditional support. She has a very obvious way to support her kids (adults now) in the decisions she champions and completely ignore them if she doesn't approve. She finds it very hard to show emotion and sometimes her efforts seem to me slightly misguided. Like for example if a relative she loves is sick, she will work relentlessly to support the charity of the specific illness. I personally think that energy would be better used towards directly helping the ill person (good food, good advice, buying things they may need, time spent with them etc). They do feel deeply, but comes across as they don't sometimes. They seem to have no empathy if something you are struggling with is not in their file of past experiences they can compare with. She simply can not understand different points of view or different values. She may accept them, but you can tell there is no real understanding. She seems to think that what works for her must work for everyone else, so if you are lucky and it does, she will be very supportive, but if you have different needs, they will be neglected and will genuinely wonder why you are not doing what is sensible. She is also very critical and finds change very challenging. If she redecorates it tends to look extremely similar to the old stuff, they always cook the same food and entertaining seems to be an exercise in going through the motions, rather than real joy in sharing. It's competent and as good as the last time, but lacks.."spark". If you tell her about something thats happened to you, she is likely to tell you about something similar that happened to her in the past, rather than focus on your feelings.

One child is an istj, who has learnt to cope, has little emotional expectations and actually thrives on acting in a way that curries her favour. The other is an inxx and has severe parent issues.

My advice...have little to be honest. As an infp my natural reaction would be to cut her off my life as much as i could, which from what you say is not an option as she is your mum and you love her. You could try hard to meet her expectations but that will only make you very unhappy. You could go into a self destructive path just to be contrary and to rebel under the pressure. Bad idea, it's you who will suffer at the end. The best advice I can give you is to try to convince yourself that she always loves you, no matter what, but she finds it harder to show when she doesnt approve of your actions. Then you have to convince yourself you dont need her approval. You are an adult (are you?), you know your own mind and you can do very well making your own choices. Just accept that her support will have a degree of control (for example this lady wont give you money, she'll buy you something she thinks you need). The S-N issue..we all have to deal with that in real life. My mother is an esfj and she also thinks she can call me fat. They do it because they think they are doing you a favour and because you looking good makes them look good! Just tell her simply it's out of order, you'd be surprised.

 

try to avoid using "they" since what the poster was explaining is not typical ISFJ mother behavior.

 

I just don't know how to deal with all of it. She's so hurtful and I really need to understand why she does what she does. That's why I'm asking the ISFJs.

I'd also like to hear an outsider's perspective. @My Own Worst Judge has some words on the subject that I'd like to hear.

 

Hi, @KateMarie999 - I can give you some outsider input, and to me it sounds like your mom is not an ISFJ.
Are you sure she really is one?

My mom is aconfirmed ISFJ, and she is very different from what you have just described.

For instance, my mom would never put conditions on her love for me. This has always amazed me, because I honestly was not an easy child/teen to raise. I was cold, difficult, and argumentative. I said a lot of things that I regret, and things that hurt her. Yet she never gave up or stopped showing me affection.

My mom has also never pushed me into anything that I did not want to do. She encouraged me to try certain things, but if I didn't like it she would let me quit, and I was then free to try something else.

Although my mom was proud of me for being a good student, she did not pressure me into earning those high grades. Additionally, she didn't have any preconceived ideas for my college degree. Instead, she let me choose what I wanted to do, and what I felt like I would be the best at.

And lastly, my mom does want me to be healthy, but she would never say anything to insult my appearance!

Yes, I do agree that your mother is probably unhealthy, regardless of type, but she really does not sound like an ISFJ. It seems to me that your mom is more of an Fi (introverted feeling) type, rather than an Fe (extraverted feeling) type. This would explain her "conditional" love, heavy expectations, and controlling nature. Fi focuses more on what the self wants, meanwhile Fe cares about what others need.

Don't know if this will help. Just my two cents.

 

Yes, I do agree that your mother is probably unhealthy, regardless of type, but she really does not sound like an ISFJ. It seems to me that your mom is more of an Fi (introverted feeling) type, rather than an Fe (extraverted feeling) type. This would explain her "conditional" love, heavy expectations, and controlling nature. Fi focuses more on what the self wants, meanwhile Fe cares about what others need.

See my mom is a confirmed ISFJ as well and I'm a Fi user and I don't focus entirely on myself like that. I guess that sounds like extraordinarily unhealthy Fi. Thing is, she doesn't use Te. Half the time she won't tell me what she's thinking so I'm never sure if she's having a good day or a bad day when it comes to me. Sometimes she can be very pleasant with me. When I got her new oven mitts on her birthday she was ecstatic with me for noticing that her old ones were falling apart without having to be told by anyone.

I think I agree with MOWJ in that she's in a dom-tert loop because she has no idea how hurtful she is and telling her doesn't help. She doesn't have any issues that would cause her to loop like that as far as I know. Her parents are ISTP and (a very healthy) ISFJ. They're more loving towards me than she is.

I do see her Fe manifest in caring for my autistic brother. He's high functioning and he's her favorite child (my other brother and I are the ones she doesn't like so much). He's an ESFJ so I guess she sees a lot of herself in him but she has fought HARD to get him placed in just the right schools and allows him to take only 2 college classes at a time instead of forcing him to take too many. Of course one of the reasons I failed out of college the second semester is that she insisted that I take 6 classes and after being so overwhelmed I had to drop one, I still couldn't keep up with the rest. Her reasons for keeping my brother from taking too many classes is she "doesn't want to overwhelm him." She ADORES him so I actually see a lot of the typical ISFJ parenting with him.

I just think there's something seriously wrong with her and I want her to get help but, and I'm just realizing this now despite being a Fi user since birth, I need to think about my own feelings and get out if I have to. The worst thing is, my dad is INTP and she controls him too. She calls herself the "normal one in the family" and tells us we're all the weird ones (my dad and me for being N-types, my ESFJ brother for being autistic, and my ISFP brother for all the insane energy he has).
@My Own Worst Judge doesn't know this but I talked to her about him a while back (he stayed over for my birthday weekend) and she said he was nice enough but griped that he was too messy. He brought one bag of clothes which he kept on the side of the room. Just because he didn't use a suitcase she calls him messy. I'm pretty sure if he ever proposed to me, she'd tell me he's a bad match for me because I need someone just like her to keep me in line. :dry:

Ugh I just need help. I usually don't dislike the ISFJs I meet. We don't think very much alike but I can usually avoid conflict. But this is just frustrating!!

 

I would say that @KateMarie999's mother is in a dom-tert loop. If you don't know what that means, it means that her auxiliary function, at least temporarily, is Ti, as opposed to Fe. In case you couldn't tell, this is EXTREMELY unhealthy, and leads to her being very insensitive to Kate's feelings and, frankly, emotionally abusive. She is passive-aggressive, unsupportive, and very hateful and controlling. There have been several specific incidences that Kate has told me about that made me want to go throw up, and then punch her mother's lights out (and I don't generally believe in hitting women), but I'm not sure Kate wants them public, so if she wants to tell, I'll let her do it.

 

@My Own Worst Judge - I didn't even consider a dom-tert loop situation. That definitely sounds like a possibility, since she then wouldn't be using Fe at all.

 

first of all i want to say that just because she wants to mold you, doesnt mean she doesnt love you. You can love someone and not like who they are being at the moment. Sensors tend to see things now, so right now she believes you are not living up to your potential and its her responsibility as your Mom to help you be the best person she can. That being said, i can imagine that the way she is being is super annoying. The only suggestion i can think of is to get her to really sit down and express your sadness about how she treats you. Get her to focus on her empathy. Dont let her blow off the conversation and make sure shes in a calm mood.