Hi, so I like this ENFP girl and I don't know how to get close to her, I'm INTP.
From what I read ENFPs basically have 2 sides, or 2 clocks if you will: They have a "fun" / "surface" side which pretty much runs immediately the moment they meet someone (very different from INTP in this regard). And then they have a "connection" / "bonding" / "comfort" side which can take 10-20x as long. But this is their "real" side, the depth, and the reason ENFP feel often more bonded with introverts (despite them being very extroverted themselves) than outgoing people.
This can create some discordance or miscomunications for the ENFP. These 2 sides run far out of concordance with each other and they may create a feeling of disconnect where they stop communicaitng with someone on the say "fun" / "surface" side they used because it starts to feel unauthentic when they go too far with someone.
And by contrast, because of their outgoing nature, other people start to believe they are more connected than the ENFP actually believes.
I have heard ENFPs trying to artificually behave less friendly than they actually are so that they can connect better with an introvert. As introverts usually believe ENFP has a much better time with the extroverts than the introverts but this is not the case. Some even said to pretend to be shyer for a while than they actually are to match their second "connection" / "bonding" / "comfort" side with introverts.
As an introvert and INTP I think I can do exactly that. The only question how? take me with baby steps as INTP aren't really good at opening up and bringing "depth".
All my friends, have said that they were the ones who initiated friendship with me, it would not have happened otherwise, and I have to agree, it's not that I'm bad, my skill is non-existant, so how do I basically... do this? explain like you would explain to a 5 years old because that's probably my skill level but I'm actually 31.
I can have depth, I can discuss about a lot of profound things either emotionally or intellectually once someone else brings it in and I just join, it's just that, I can't bring in "depth talks".
I'm very bad at being the initiator, and in this case I have to be the initiator. So how do I do that?
As an ENFP, how would you like to be approached? with baby steps if possible.
I'm going to get a bit off-topic here and make it as a personal response of the ENFP issues. I don't think you realise the power of your "fun" / "surface" side. I think this is a side effect of being ENFP. ENFPs are the most introverted extroverts.
ENFPs "fun" / "surface" side is amazing and what makes people drawn to you. That you're invigorated by the enthusiasm and excitement of meeting someone new.
Not all types are like that, you may take that "fun" / "surface" side of invigorated by the enthusiasm and excitement of meeting someone new as something normal (really underplay its value), normal to your nature, but that's more like "bonding" for other types, this is how I think you end up in situations where "we are connecting more than I actually feel is true".
Because they took that for "bonding", you took that for simply being invigorated by the enthusiasm and excitement of meeting someone new.
ENFPs have some really cool perks when it comes to that "fun" / "surface" side. They can also be very deep thus the other side and them being the most introverted of the extroverted types.
And I think this really describes the ENFP: the most introverted of the extroverted types.
But when it comes to the fun" / "surface" side, I think you may underestimate it. ENFPs can be very inspirational, ENFPs are "The Inspirational" type TM. Even their title says that. Naruto is the most ENFP anime out there, and in fact, Naruto is "The Inspirational TM".
And the cool thing about ENFPs is that they motivate you by action, by example, by just doing what they should be doing and infecting you in the process. Their motivation is sort of organic.
This - they motivate you by action, by example, by just doing what they should be doing and infecting you in the process - cannot be understated how cool it is. You really are a gift to the world.
Sort of, wanting you to make you do it. Rather than telling you to do it.
That's the type of motivation of the ENFP.
I would summarize them in 1 word as "positive".
Like, if an ENFP has an issue, he usually accepts it, but doesn't try to let it affect him. This is different from denial or ignoring the problem. But rather, acknowledging that the problem is there, but not letting this stop me from doing this other thing.
ENFP used: "I don't try to let it affect me"
it's supper effective
So I would summarize ENFPs in 1 word as "positive", but not "positive psychology" and all that, like real "positive".
I like how they are never down.
Even when they are down they are not really down.
Very damn vibrant ENFPs. INFPs usually struggle with depression and opening up, but when you meet an assertive INFP, very damn vibrant, like ENFP. But in a more softer introverted 'motherly/caretaker' way. Where as ENFPs are more in a 'fun out there in the moment enjoying the action' way, that's not to say they aren't 'motherly' but not to the extent of the INFP.
I think is the power of your "fun" / "surface" side that creates discordance and miscommunications, because it gives people just too much expectations of you. You give BFF vibes, where in reality you're just being ENFP.
So keeping the "fun" / "surface" side starts to feel unauthentic when it goes too far. Is this because:
a) A lot of time has passed since you first met, so you find it unproper to behave like it's the first time you met them again.
b) They start to believe you two are connecting more than you actually feel is true, which makes you feel uncomfortable.
Well, you are just giving ENFP vibes and they took the bait. That's why they feel that way. And that's why you feel this way in return (And that's what I probably feel now). They don't understand that it's not that personal, as it is for them, and you are just that way generally.
Funny how in my experience ENFPs always had a thing for introverts despite them themselves being extroverts, it's something about that 2nd side that makes them ticking. Like, sure, they are very good with the 1st side, but it's the 2nd side that they are really interested in.
They want the 2nd side but are good with the 1st side. Maybe that's the weakness of ENFP.
In the becoming more artificaly introverted solution. I can sort of see the argument, but I don't think you are the problem here. I'm an introvert, and I have absolutely 0% issue if my extroverted friends are very extroverted with extroverted people. I don't take that as an issue on my side. Or as a lack of connection with them. Because I know that those extroverted interactions are more superficial than they actually are. So I'm feeling pretty reassured in our "depth" despite them talking to other extroverted people.
But I can see how that jealousy would work. "artificial alterations in my behaviour such as either being less friendly with people if an introvert I want to connect with is around" seems like a good plan, the equivalent of holding a sign saying "I'M NOT A TREAT" to an introvert because you want that 2nd side.
I giggled at the idea that what ENFPs find to be somewhat effective is to pretend to be shyer for a while in new environments with people to match their second side because only an ENFP could have the issue of "having to pretend being more shy than I actually am so I can connect with introverts". Yeah, it's a good strategy, it's the weird situation itself that made me giggle.
In what ways it can confuse people, and that can really cost you at times.
My opinion, as an introvert, is that an introvert should not feel "intimidated" by an extrovert being extrovert, that's just him doing his own thing. But I can see how this is one of those cases perfect in theory flawed in practice, so in practice what you're doing I think is good because indeed trying to appear more shy and introverted than you actually are will encourage introverts to talk to you. It makes you feel like a 'safer space', despite you being equally 'safe' both when you're extroverted and introverted.
You sort of adapt to the atmosphere of the room so to speak.
What ENFP really like in my opinion is when people realise and notice the "charm" exterior but stay for the "introverted" interior that they really feel they operate at.
Essentially, that's when they feel the closest to people, and most understood, when people notice the "charm" exterior but stay for the "introverted" interior.
Probably a definite requirement for a permanent partner too. Possibly ENFPs start to try to "test" people with more honesty about themselves to filter through who is just there for the fairy lights vs who might be there because they see the deeper side.
In fact, probably by being honest about their true side at a certain point, the ENFP can see who stays and who leaves. Those who stay can gain "next stage" access, those who leave aren't valuable to them anyway as they were only staying for the fairy lights not because they see the deeper side.
I know this sounds very good in theory, but like all INTP things, is the practice where it kills me. So what do you think would be the best steps to implement this in practice? please be as in depth and in detail as you would like to be, if there's something you wonder whether I would get it or not get it without saying it, I would probably not get it.
Thank you!
From what I read ENFPs basically have 2 sides, or 2 clocks if you will: They have a "fun" / "surface" side which pretty much runs immediately the moment they meet someone (very different from INTP in this regard). And then they have a "connection" / "bonding" / "comfort" side which can take 10-20x as long. But this is their "real" side, the depth, and the reason ENFP feel often more bonded with introverts (despite them being very extroverted themselves) than outgoing people.
This can create some discordance or miscomunications for the ENFP. These 2 sides run far out of concordance with each other and they may create a feeling of disconnect where they stop communicaitng with someone on the say "fun" / "surface" side they used because it starts to feel unauthentic when they go too far with someone.
And by contrast, because of their outgoing nature, other people start to believe they are more connected than the ENFP actually believes.
I have heard ENFPs trying to artificually behave less friendly than they actually are so that they can connect better with an introvert. As introverts usually believe ENFP has a much better time with the extroverts than the introverts but this is not the case. Some even said to pretend to be shyer for a while than they actually are to match their second "connection" / "bonding" / "comfort" side with introverts.
As an introvert and INTP I think I can do exactly that. The only question how? take me with baby steps as INTP aren't really good at opening up and bringing "depth".
All my friends, have said that they were the ones who initiated friendship with me, it would not have happened otherwise, and I have to agree, it's not that I'm bad, my skill is non-existant, so how do I basically... do this? explain like you would explain to a 5 years old because that's probably my skill level but I'm actually 31.
I can have depth, I can discuss about a lot of profound things either emotionally or intellectually once someone else brings it in and I just join, it's just that, I can't bring in "depth talks".
I'm very bad at being the initiator, and in this case I have to be the initiator. So how do I do that?
As an ENFP, how would you like to be approached? with baby steps if possible.
I'm going to get a bit off-topic here and make it as a personal response of the ENFP issues. I don't think you realise the power of your "fun" / "surface" side. I think this is a side effect of being ENFP. ENFPs are the most introverted extroverts.
ENFPs "fun" / "surface" side is amazing and what makes people drawn to you. That you're invigorated by the enthusiasm and excitement of meeting someone new.
Not all types are like that, you may take that "fun" / "surface" side of invigorated by the enthusiasm and excitement of meeting someone new as something normal (really underplay its value), normal to your nature, but that's more like "bonding" for other types, this is how I think you end up in situations where "we are connecting more than I actually feel is true".
Because they took that for "bonding", you took that for simply being invigorated by the enthusiasm and excitement of meeting someone new.
ENFPs have some really cool perks when it comes to that "fun" / "surface" side. They can also be very deep thus the other side and them being the most introverted of the extroverted types.
And I think this really describes the ENFP: the most introverted of the extroverted types.
But when it comes to the fun" / "surface" side, I think you may underestimate it. ENFPs can be very inspirational, ENFPs are "The Inspirational" type TM. Even their title says that. Naruto is the most ENFP anime out there, and in fact, Naruto is "The Inspirational TM".
And the cool thing about ENFPs is that they motivate you by action, by example, by just doing what they should be doing and infecting you in the process. Their motivation is sort of organic.
This - they motivate you by action, by example, by just doing what they should be doing and infecting you in the process - cannot be understated how cool it is. You really are a gift to the world.
Sort of, wanting you to make you do it. Rather than telling you to do it.
That's the type of motivation of the ENFP.
I would summarize them in 1 word as "positive".
Like, if an ENFP has an issue, he usually accepts it, but doesn't try to let it affect him. This is different from denial or ignoring the problem. But rather, acknowledging that the problem is there, but not letting this stop me from doing this other thing.
ENFP used: "I don't try to let it affect me"
it's supper effective
So I would summarize ENFPs in 1 word as "positive", but not "positive psychology" and all that, like real "positive".
I like how they are never down.
Even when they are down they are not really down.
Very damn vibrant ENFPs. INFPs usually struggle with depression and opening up, but when you meet an assertive INFP, very damn vibrant, like ENFP. But in a more softer introverted 'motherly/caretaker' way. Where as ENFPs are more in a 'fun out there in the moment enjoying the action' way, that's not to say they aren't 'motherly' but not to the extent of the INFP.
I think is the power of your "fun" / "surface" side that creates discordance and miscommunications, because it gives people just too much expectations of you. You give BFF vibes, where in reality you're just being ENFP.
So keeping the "fun" / "surface" side starts to feel unauthentic when it goes too far. Is this because:
a) A lot of time has passed since you first met, so you find it unproper to behave like it's the first time you met them again.
b) They start to believe you two are connecting more than you actually feel is true, which makes you feel uncomfortable.
Well, you are just giving ENFP vibes and they took the bait. That's why they feel that way. And that's why you feel this way in return (And that's what I probably feel now). They don't understand that it's not that personal, as it is for them, and you are just that way generally.
Funny how in my experience ENFPs always had a thing for introverts despite them themselves being extroverts, it's something about that 2nd side that makes them ticking. Like, sure, they are very good with the 1st side, but it's the 2nd side that they are really interested in.
They want the 2nd side but are good with the 1st side. Maybe that's the weakness of ENFP.
In the becoming more artificaly introverted solution. I can sort of see the argument, but I don't think you are the problem here. I'm an introvert, and I have absolutely 0% issue if my extroverted friends are very extroverted with extroverted people. I don't take that as an issue on my side. Or as a lack of connection with them. Because I know that those extroverted interactions are more superficial than they actually are. So I'm feeling pretty reassured in our "depth" despite them talking to other extroverted people.
But I can see how that jealousy would work. "artificial alterations in my behaviour such as either being less friendly with people if an introvert I want to connect with is around" seems like a good plan, the equivalent of holding a sign saying "I'M NOT A TREAT" to an introvert because you want that 2nd side.
I giggled at the idea that what ENFPs find to be somewhat effective is to pretend to be shyer for a while in new environments with people to match their second side because only an ENFP could have the issue of "having to pretend being more shy than I actually am so I can connect with introverts". Yeah, it's a good strategy, it's the weird situation itself that made me giggle.
In what ways it can confuse people, and that can really cost you at times.
My opinion, as an introvert, is that an introvert should not feel "intimidated" by an extrovert being extrovert, that's just him doing his own thing. But I can see how this is one of those cases perfect in theory flawed in practice, so in practice what you're doing I think is good because indeed trying to appear more shy and introverted than you actually are will encourage introverts to talk to you. It makes you feel like a 'safer space', despite you being equally 'safe' both when you're extroverted and introverted.
You sort of adapt to the atmosphere of the room so to speak.
What ENFP really like in my opinion is when people realise and notice the "charm" exterior but stay for the "introverted" interior that they really feel they operate at.
Essentially, that's when they feel the closest to people, and most understood, when people notice the "charm" exterior but stay for the "introverted" interior.
Probably a definite requirement for a permanent partner too. Possibly ENFPs start to try to "test" people with more honesty about themselves to filter through who is just there for the fairy lights vs who might be there because they see the deeper side.
In fact, probably by being honest about their true side at a certain point, the ENFP can see who stays and who leaves. Those who stay can gain "next stage" access, those who leave aren't valuable to them anyway as they were only staying for the fairy lights not because they see the deeper side.
I know this sounds very good in theory, but like all INTP things, is the practice where it kills me. So what do you think would be the best steps to implement this in practice? please be as in depth and in detail as you would like to be, if there's something you wonder whether I would get it or not get it without saying it, I would probably not get it.
Thank you!
