[quietly]

As a child growing up, I used to suppress my emotions because I was punished for them instead of for what I did. If I felt a certain way about things, it had to be the right way. Asking questions wasn't something encouraged in my household. I think that later in my adolescence I started being afraid of feeling anything at all, because I didn't want to be a drain on my family. So when I experienced intense emotion, I would take it out on myself physically. Letting it release in some way would mean I didn't have to focus on it, and I could be the good one. As I got older I spent more and more time in my head and I realized I didn't have to put myself on for others. I could feel what I wanted to feel, and it wasn't going to kill me. Because of this I kind of identify with a lot of INFJs who say that they enjoy sadness, or they can find some beauty in being melancholic. This was when I was maybe seventeen. I have never cut myself, but I used to scratch at my skin until I bled in the way that frustrated dogs can do to themselves. It was sometimes very violent. Fortunately after one incident with my family they realized that their environment was toxic to me. I don't think they stopped judging me, but they stopped telling me about it. In return, I usually don't share my emotions with them unless I'm asked. I'm very glad to be out of that environment now though.

 

[quietly]

Your point about enjoying feeling anything, even the bad emotions... I like it, and I think I want to try it. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm always afraid that letting myself feel will set me up to lose control.

In terms of control as in control over what you think, control over what you feel, and even control over how you act, when you allow yourself room to simply feel and express that feeling you will end up losing control. Especially if you have never done it before. For me I think that was the point. I would spend days alone just existing and feeling and getting lost in my head, and sometimes it feels like emotions are going to split you in half, but they don't. It didn't always feel like the most positive thing to me.

I remember an instance where I was angry at my family and I locked myself away in my room and destroyed my computer by throwing it at the wall. And then fell into a spiral of depression and self-hatred because I had destroyed a relatively expensive object that I normally found enjoyment out of. But it was still healthier than taking it out on myself, and that is something it took me a long time to realize. It doesn't feel healthy when it is happening, but it is a lot healthier than anything you could do to yourself -- as long as you don't hurt someone else. Which is the point of being alone at the time.

For me, it was an exposure thing. The more and longer I exposed myself to my feelings, the easier it was to deal with them in real-time, in ordinary life. And eventually I could deal with them enough to feel them, while consciously choosing not to display them. And finally it just stopped seeming like I was dealing with them, it seemed like they were an ordinary part of my existence. I think I will always have issues with when and where I choose to express emotion, because I have to trust someone before I do. (At the moment in my life I think I express my "private" emotions to two people, my fiance and my best friend). But in terms of feeling them, and being allowed to feel them, I definitely am.