Does this ever happen? It seems so non-INFJ to be this way. But are they ever? Do they date multple people at once? If so, are they comfortable with this or do they only do this for so long? How many dates does it take before an INFJ can figure out if they are ready to be with one person?
emerysfriend
It can definitely happen, but usually the INFJ is unhealthy at the time. From a function standpoint, their Ni is looking for symbolic meaning in everything, which can be difficult to find in one night stands, and their Fe sees serial dating as "wrong". We're just naturally built for long-term relationships as a never-ending metaphysical relationship and an eternal output of love.
Now, if an INFJ feels wronged or taken advantage of, I could see where they may want to "get what they deserve" and become players out of a twisted sense of justice.
Now, if an INFJ feels wronged or taken advantage of, I could see where they may want to "get what they deserve" and become players out of a twisted sense of justice.
Define player? I have a slightly different perspective, but I think this is where I vary from most of what I've heard on this board.
Recently, I've been out of a long (7 year) relationship, and definitely have been going through phases where I date a lot. Sometimes, I date multiple people at once, but I actually haven't been doing this very recently because it's exhausting (keep in mind the natural Introversion of an INFJ is going to prevent us from being able to juggle multiple shallow relationships for a long time without just breaking down). It's also not fulfilling for me. Plus, the nature of internet dating is such that it lends itself to multiple dating, because a lot of first and second and even third dates don't pan out, and you don't have the benefit of already knowing that you really like someone before you make a move and call it a "date." (The "crush" phase is skipped over).
But, where I've been at in life - after my ex and I broke up, I wanted companionship but was not "heart-ready" for a real relationship. I got some romantic solace with two old friends, who know me so well, and didn't make commitment/girlfriend demands of me while still being able to share real love and affection. These were safe relationships for me. We're still close friends. One of these guys and I ended up dating for 10 months, long distance, but kept it open, which ultimately was the factor that ended the relationship. Also, that relationship sort of naturally ran its course and I was never in love, though we were good friends. (PM me if you want my exceedingly honest, somewhat pessimistic, but surprisingly non-bitter and somehow still open-minded take on open relationships).
I also went on a flurry of dates (ohhh... modern internet dating), which I find pretty exhausting. I mean, you have to sit down and meet perfect strangers and engage your Fe the WHOLE time! With one exception (which didn't work, I guess - still reeling a bit), I felt like I didn't really connect with anyone on a deep level, but I met a lot of great guys - many of whom I liked a lot but just "knew" (stupid Ni) I would never be able to love.
But... here's the catch. I have a very, very hard time connecting with people on the level I want. I take relationships seriously, and when I am in love, I'm all in. I've been accused of being a player ... (I guess the female version is heartbreaker? I dunno, I get that sometimes), but I'm human and I like sex and companionship, I'm always above board with where I am, and incredibly honest, and when the pieces come together, I'll be right there - heart open, Ni and Fe fully engaged. I finally feel ready for a relationship again, but I don't fall in love that often.
But I have no desire to play men, and there's no twisted sense of justice for some perceived wrongs... it's more like... friendships that aren't really that deep, and therefore a bit less structured that a capital-R relationship. I feel that's what most people in my city are doing, marking time until they find something real.
Lately I've been withdrawing from the "dating" scene a bit. My friends are more important relationships to tend at this point. I meet people all the time, irl, so why go out of my way to exhaust myself? I still have an online dating profile up, but don't really engage much with it. Maybe I'll change my mind again in a few weeks and go through another heavy dating phase... but I dunno I dunno I dunno... I think with doing a lot of dating for me, my emotional landscape and relationship circle was changing almost week to week, which is just incredibly overwhelming for an INFJ. I need to be a bit more stable and not be bouncing around in the periphery of so many personalities, especially so many that I'm not that into.
Ha. I just read this all, and realized it is a long, convoluted explanation of why I might be interpreted as playing the field, but why actually, everything @Creevy said is dead on.
So, to break it down better: Some other types might play the field because they want sensory gratification and don't want anything deep. INFJs, if they do it, play the field because they're looking for something ineffable, something real.
Recently, I've been out of a long (7 year) relationship, and definitely have been going through phases where I date a lot. Sometimes, I date multiple people at once, but I actually haven't been doing this very recently because it's exhausting (keep in mind the natural Introversion of an INFJ is going to prevent us from being able to juggle multiple shallow relationships for a long time without just breaking down). It's also not fulfilling for me. Plus, the nature of internet dating is such that it lends itself to multiple dating, because a lot of first and second and even third dates don't pan out, and you don't have the benefit of already knowing that you really like someone before you make a move and call it a "date." (The "crush" phase is skipped over).
But, where I've been at in life - after my ex and I broke up, I wanted companionship but was not "heart-ready" for a real relationship. I got some romantic solace with two old friends, who know me so well, and didn't make commitment/girlfriend demands of me while still being able to share real love and affection. These were safe relationships for me. We're still close friends. One of these guys and I ended up dating for 10 months, long distance, but kept it open, which ultimately was the factor that ended the relationship. Also, that relationship sort of naturally ran its course and I was never in love, though we were good friends. (PM me if you want my exceedingly honest, somewhat pessimistic, but surprisingly non-bitter and somehow still open-minded take on open relationships).
I also went on a flurry of dates (ohhh... modern internet dating), which I find pretty exhausting. I mean, you have to sit down and meet perfect strangers and engage your Fe the WHOLE time! With one exception (which didn't work, I guess - still reeling a bit), I felt like I didn't really connect with anyone on a deep level, but I met a lot of great guys - many of whom I liked a lot but just "knew" (stupid Ni) I would never be able to love.
But... here's the catch. I have a very, very hard time connecting with people on the level I want. I take relationships seriously, and when I am in love, I'm all in. I've been accused of being a player ... (I guess the female version is heartbreaker? I dunno, I get that sometimes), but I'm human and I like sex and companionship, I'm always above board with where I am, and incredibly honest, and when the pieces come together, I'll be right there - heart open, Ni and Fe fully engaged. I finally feel ready for a relationship again, but I don't fall in love that often.
But I have no desire to play men, and there's no twisted sense of justice for some perceived wrongs... it's more like... friendships that aren't really that deep, and therefore a bit less structured that a capital-R relationship. I feel that's what most people in my city are doing, marking time until they find something real.
Lately I've been withdrawing from the "dating" scene a bit. My friends are more important relationships to tend at this point. I meet people all the time, irl, so why go out of my way to exhaust myself? I still have an online dating profile up, but don't really engage much with it. Maybe I'll change my mind again in a few weeks and go through another heavy dating phase... but I dunno I dunno I dunno... I think with doing a lot of dating for me, my emotional landscape and relationship circle was changing almost week to week, which is just incredibly overwhelming for an INFJ. I need to be a bit more stable and not be bouncing around in the periphery of so many personalities, especially so many that I'm not that into.
Ha. I just read this all, and realized it is a long, convoluted explanation of why I might be interpreted as playing the field, but why actually, everything @Creevy said is dead on.
So, to break it down better: Some other types might play the field because they want sensory gratification and don't want anything deep. INFJs, if they do it, play the field because they're looking for something ineffable, something real.
i've been a serial dater since i was 13. i've definitely broken some hearts in the process, and had mine broken as well.
i notice you're enfp. when i dated an enfp in high school we had an open relationship. my enfp was so flirtacious and i knew he was talking to other interests. i definitely have a tendency to flirt more with others when i feel my partner is going to do the same.
i notice you're enfp. when i dated an enfp in high school we had an open relationship. my enfp was so flirtacious and i knew he was talking to other interests. i definitely have a tendency to flirt more with others when i feel my partner is going to do the same.
I like when guys are interested in me, even if I am not interested in them in the least. It is just an ego boost for me. I don't try to make people like me or go out of my way or lead people on, but it is still cool when a guy does develops some sort of attraction for me or is intrigued without any effort on my part. Of course, if any of these guys actually tried to actively pursue me, then I get uncomfortable and feel complete and utter remorse because my intuition just knows that it would be wrong for me. I suppose that is the extent of my player attitude. I haven't really been "in love" or infatuated with just one man in a while (only attraction or admiration), so I guess these moments remind me that I am desirable but have not found the right person to reciprocate those feelings and poor all my love into yet.
I guess the other reason that we may occasionally give off this impression is that when we think we like someone at first, we are totally invested in the process of spending time and trying to get to know you. If we decide we are no longer interested in you for whatever reason (even if you didn't necessarily do anything wrong), we may drop you like a hot plate and any encounters you have with us afterward will be awkward. We find some reason that you don't fit into our long-term scope, we will drop you without so much as a word unless you continue to try pursuing us and have to bluntly say no. We figure that our Ni will always generate new possibilities if the first (or twentieth) one doesn't fit our ideal well enough. I know this can be perceived as rude and I need to tone this down a bit since nothing is ever completely ideal (and relationships take work), but I cannot keep up a facade for long if I am not interested because it tires me out and is unfair to the other person.
I'm quick to "friend zone" guys that I know are not potentials.....so, that's def not in the "player" attitude.
I usually like to start off as friends...though guys like to rush and have a commitment immediately....I don't think I've ever been a "player"...but I did date a lot off and on for a few years....I did date several guys at once (but didn't let them kiss me or do anything...especially when I could tell they were cheap-skates and didn't value me). But personally, I usually latch on to one guy and choose to get close to him....and if he breaks up....it takes me a while to heal....and I usually try not to date even tho I've already been asked out, etc. -I don't like being vulnerable to be preyed upon and taken advantage of. -So, I try to let myself properly heal for several months or even up to a year before I'll date again and risk getting attached, hurt, rejected, etc. I think rebounding for an INFJ is dangerous....we know we are vulnerable and we don't like that feeling of vulnerability....and don't like risk putting ourselves into hands that might be taking advantage of us, etc.
I have known one INFJ male that was cheating on his wife. He was cheating out of his own insecurities...she made more money than him at her job....he didn't feel like he fit in with her huge family...he was an only child and didn't have siblings or understand having a close family, etc. He def wasn't a healthy INFJ and had anger issues and controlling issues. -I def didn't remain friends with him and "door slammed" him out of my life when I saw all these patterns and when he hit on me and a couple of other women.
I'd say it's unusual for an INFJ to be a player....if we date a lot, it's because we are not in a committed relationship and are seeking that.....but meeting lots of people tends to be exhausting and not fun for us, in my opinion. -one person to put energy into is enough....we get depleted and exhausted...even if we love that person....it's not personal...we are just introverted and need time to center and be alone.
Hope this helped a little.
sorry that your INFJ is being a "player"....he might be very insecure or may not realize you want a relationship and is out exploring....try talking to him about how you feel and take a risk. He might like you, too....and maybe he doesn't have the nerve to tell you?
-I started off as friends with the few ENFP's that I've dated. I feel ENFP's are very special people and really have no desire to date others when in a relationship with one, because the intense connection, fun, and brilliant conversations makes me so happy. I'm only unhappy when I know my ENFP is unhappy and about to reject me and dump me/break up, etc. When I know I can't make that person happy and they are pulling away....there's really nothing else that can be done, I suppose. But I do tend to try harder in making it work and making up with an ENFP moreso than any other type. I've dated other types...and not fond of their quirks and shallowness....they are exhausting. I personally think ENFP's are sexy....especially those that read books and talk about various topics with knowledge and depth!!!
good luck and *hugs*
I usually like to start off as friends...though guys like to rush and have a commitment immediately....I don't think I've ever been a "player"...but I did date a lot off and on for a few years....I did date several guys at once (but didn't let them kiss me or do anything...especially when I could tell they were cheap-skates and didn't value me). But personally, I usually latch on to one guy and choose to get close to him....and if he breaks up....it takes me a while to heal....and I usually try not to date even tho I've already been asked out, etc. -I don't like being vulnerable to be preyed upon and taken advantage of. -So, I try to let myself properly heal for several months or even up to a year before I'll date again and risk getting attached, hurt, rejected, etc. I think rebounding for an INFJ is dangerous....we know we are vulnerable and we don't like that feeling of vulnerability....and don't like risk putting ourselves into hands that might be taking advantage of us, etc.
I have known one INFJ male that was cheating on his wife. He was cheating out of his own insecurities...she made more money than him at her job....he didn't feel like he fit in with her huge family...he was an only child and didn't have siblings or understand having a close family, etc. He def wasn't a healthy INFJ and had anger issues and controlling issues. -I def didn't remain friends with him and "door slammed" him out of my life when I saw all these patterns and when he hit on me and a couple of other women.
I'd say it's unusual for an INFJ to be a player....if we date a lot, it's because we are not in a committed relationship and are seeking that.....but meeting lots of people tends to be exhausting and not fun for us, in my opinion. -one person to put energy into is enough....we get depleted and exhausted...even if we love that person....it's not personal...we are just introverted and need time to center and be alone.
Hope this helped a little.
sorry that your INFJ is being a "player"....he might be very insecure or may not realize you want a relationship and is out exploring....try talking to him about how you feel and take a risk. He might like you, too....and maybe he doesn't have the nerve to tell you?
-I started off as friends with the few ENFP's that I've dated. I feel ENFP's are very special people and really have no desire to date others when in a relationship with one, because the intense connection, fun, and brilliant conversations makes me so happy. I'm only unhappy when I know my ENFP is unhappy and about to reject me and dump me/break up, etc. When I know I can't make that person happy and they are pulling away....there's really nothing else that can be done, I suppose. But I do tend to try harder in making it work and making up with an ENFP moreso than any other type. I've dated other types...and not fond of their quirks and shallowness....they are exhausting. I personally think ENFP's are sexy....especially those that read books and talk about various topics with knowledge and depth!!!
good luck and *hugs*
I'm extremely loyal when I'm in an actual relationship, but I could be accused of being a 'player' when I'm single.
I feel guilty when I reject people flat out, so I still treat them kindly, even if I don't have feelings for them. Unfortunately, this means I have a habit of accidentally leading people on.
If I like multiple people, I'll continue to flirt with all of them until I find the one I click with the most, then try to slowly weed out the others. Sometimes this backfires and I end up alone, but I'd rather be alone than be stuck in a relationship that doesn't mean anything to me.
I feel guilty when I reject people flat out, so I still treat them kindly, even if I don't have feelings for them. Unfortunately, this means I have a habit of accidentally leading people on.
If I like multiple people, I'll continue to flirt with all of them until I find the one I click with the most, then try to slowly weed out the others. Sometimes this backfires and I end up alone, but I'd rather be alone than be stuck in a relationship that doesn't mean anything to me.
to play with the feelings of another - however despicable it is - is human, because to err is human. INFJs are human. therefore, it can happen. that's not to say it WILL happen, just that it can happen in the INFJ type just as it can happen in any other personality type.
no temperament is above failure.
that said, i couldn't live with myself if i ever tried to carry on multiple 'relationships' at once, i can't even feel right about dating multiple people at once...i am not a player and never wish to be.
no temperament is above failure.
that said, i couldn't live with myself if i ever tried to carry on multiple 'relationships' at once, i can't even feel right about dating multiple people at once...i am not a player and never wish to be.
It'd be hard enough to date 1 person, how am I supposed to date more??
No really, I don't have the heart to do such a thing. It would damage my consciousness.
I'd only feel bad about doing it, even if the other person tells me to date others.
Though, I don't date. I don't seek out relationships. I have dated - it wasn't my thing really.
No really, I don't have the heart to do such a thing. It would damage my consciousness.
I'd only feel bad about doing it, even if the other person tells me to date others.
Though, I don't date. I don't seek out relationships. I have dated - it wasn't my thing really.
I try!
Player doesn't really exist for man-on-man. But afterwards I'm just "What was the point of that?", "Did that go anywhere?", "Why have sex with someone who isn't that interesting?", "Could you be just as happy not having f'd?".
Sometimes it's almost like a documentary voice-over appears during - do other INFJs sometimes dissociate during... .activities?
I think I've become quite sensitised to a particular set of pleasure-seeking behaviours (Keltner's power-approach paradigm) and when someone does something that seems like a social norm violation (as you're supposed to do if you're alpha *cough* *bs*), it just confuses me and I don't find it sexy, it works against a connection and 'the mood'.
Player doesn't really exist for man-on-man. But afterwards I'm just "What was the point of that?", "Did that go anywhere?", "Why have sex with someone who isn't that interesting?", "Could you be just as happy not having f'd?".
Sometimes it's almost like a documentary voice-over appears during - do other INFJs sometimes dissociate during... .activities?
I think I've become quite sensitised to a particular set of pleasure-seeking behaviours (Keltner's power-approach paradigm) and when someone does something that seems like a social norm violation (as you're supposed to do if you're alpha *cough* *bs*), it just confuses me and I don't find it sexy, it works against a connection and 'the mood'.
one of my INFJ's guy friends was cheated on by his wife....and maybe 6 months later he met and started heavily dating a new girl. I can tell she is a Sensor....his ex-wife was an ISFP.....he told me he'd never date another "P" cuz they're messy....but was very open to dating Sensors. -I can tell he went all in with this girl he's dating.....he constantly does things to please her and goes places that I can tell are her ideas for activities....and he seems extremely content and happy. -he was popular in High School...he's still a good looking guy....he has the opportunity to be a "player" but he is far from it....he's very happy being in one relationship with one girl.
another INFJ guy friend of mine had a crush on me back in college...he even remembered where I sat and what classes we had together.....he met this woman that he first became good friends with when he left America to go teach in another country....and then I noticed he dropped off of facebook and a year later....he posted pics of the two of them together doing things....and then another couple years later....he posted his status as married!!!
my INFJ guy friends are similar to me as a female INFJ....we date in hopes of finding the special one....and latch on to that one...and are extremely loyal.....both of these INFJ males did not date a ton of women before finding the ones that they have now....they are far from being players.
another INFJ guy friend of mine had a crush on me back in college...he even remembered where I sat and what classes we had together.....he met this woman that he first became good friends with when he left America to go teach in another country....and then I noticed he dropped off of facebook and a year later....he posted pics of the two of them together doing things....and then another couple years later....he posted his status as married!!!
my INFJ guy friends are similar to me as a female INFJ....we date in hopes of finding the special one....and latch on to that one...and are extremely loyal.....both of these INFJ males did not date a ton of women before finding the ones that they have now....they are far from being players.
Eh, I'm more of the type who prefers to stick to the guy I like, but I usually kind of have a one date policy with guys. "I guarantee a first date, but can't promise a second". though, i don't do it with every guy. If I see a guy clearly has bad intentions, I don't even offer a first date 
But I'm open to going on multiple dates with different guys as long as I'm not committed to anyone at that moment. Not sure what that makes me, though. I usually refuse a second date with someone (unless i like them of course), because I don't want them to invest time in me when I'm not planning to commit to anything. I don't like wasting people's time nor do I want mine wasted. But if I am in a relationship with someone, bad luck friend, I'm sticking with my partner.
I'm confused. What makes one a player?
But I'm open to going on multiple dates with different guys as long as I'm not committed to anyone at that moment. Not sure what that makes me, though. I usually refuse a second date with someone (unless i like them of course), because I don't want them to invest time in me when I'm not planning to commit to anything. I don't like wasting people's time nor do I want mine wasted. But if I am in a relationship with someone, bad luck friend, I'm sticking with my partner.I'm confused. What makes one a player?
I suspect a guy i know is an INFJ... but at the same time he's a player so i didn't want to think it was true that he was an INFJ, i assumed he was an INTJ at first though. (he isn't unhealthy)
I would never consider it. In the first place, if my intentions are 'honorable' in the sense of being honest, why should it be necessary? In most cases, I can see very quickly from casual conversation if someone is not what I am looking for. And, if I think they might be, then by definition I am not 'playing the field'.
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