Cuddles, durian and books, not necessarily in that order.

Currently, cuddles and durian are in short supply, but being worked on. The future looks soft and spiky. To secure cuddles, I put on my pointy wooing boots and go wooing ladies; to obtain durian, I head East. Books are always with me, thanks to my Kobo Aura :heart:

 

People with brains to talk to. To answer my questions, big and small, whether directly, or as is much more common - to simply speak intelligently and at length on various topics until the answers I need start showing up in the margins.

If I don't get it, and in the past I usually never did, then I retreat to my own little world and forget about everyone so I don't get frustrated and miserable. People have tended to think the isolation must be miserable, but I'm actually happy there as long as I don't expect anything. My misery moment always came long before - when I'm stuck between hoping for better or allowing myself to acknowledge that people have thoroughly proven they suck, don't care, don't have a shred of loyalty, and are only concerned with their pleasure.

On the other hand... I also need to make the people I care about happy (er), so it's a tug of war to come back out of my shell and give it the best I've got. Whatever that is.

 

I have a strong need for independence and autonomy in all areas of my life. I've been bumping up against this a bit at work recently where one of my coworkers can get very pushy with where she thinks my role is or should be. She's an ISTJ and a fair bit older so I think she feels she's giving me advice or just likes things done a specific way, ie. her way. But it's made for a good exercise of asserting my boundaries and autonomy as someone who knows very much what I want and where I feel my role is and the direction of my career path.

I've been becoming more and more aware of my needs for social interaction and how to fulfill that. It's been a lot about being open to both giving and receiving and searching out specific kinds of people - the long process of "finding your tribe." I had the pleasant reminder recently of how much conceptual/abstract conversations are life-blood to me and feel incredibly nourishing; like I'm finally speaking a first language after being in a foreign country. I grew up surrounded by sensors, and my coworkers now are mostly the same, so I can sometimes forget how much I really need to be able to bounce stuff off of like-minded people.

The complex balance of intertwined sexual-emotional-intellectual-spiritual needs that I don't quite have a handle on. Where another comes into that equation, and what I can fulfill for myself.

There are many others, but I've been procrastinating the need to clean my house and get off the internet for a while now... :crazy: Which I don't feel is as much of a personal need, but rather an existing in the world as a functioning productive person thing :tongue:

 

hmm my current needs. i don't really need anything i don't have. at the same time, i do need to try and get my health under better control. i need to find in myself a little more discipline of which i've been lacking a bit. what does anyone really need besides water food, shelter, love, mental stimulation and perhaps a creative outlet? i think Marvin's got the right idea though, could use some cuddles and maybe some new cd's to listen to, lol. i think i am meeting the needs i have pretty well. trying at least, that's all anyone can do right? and on that note i need to get off the computer for a little while.

 

@Marvin the Dendroid Cuddles is a very nice one to bring up actually. A lot of people are touch deprived and can become unhappy because of this. Cuddles have the power to save someone's life.

@Sour Roses At times I need an intelligent conversation more than I need my next breathe. So if you ever want to talk feel free to send me a message.

What you say about isolation is very interesting and relatable. For me isolation is often desireable. At such moments my own mind is better company than all the people around me. But I do crave meaningful connections, deep connections, from heart to heart. So I always have to balance isolation with interaction, which has proven to be a tricky task in the past.

@Aletheia How did you go about that process of finding your tribe?

@Penny One need I would add is purpose But you ask an interesting question....what does one actually need? Answer will probably be: it depends.

 

@yippy nr 2 see what i mean about discipline? i'm still on the computer. i need to workout and clean up. and true yeah depends on the person.

 

Literally, it seems to be Maslow's.

 

What are your current needs?

Humour, solitude, tea, music, pen and paper, fresh air, and water.

Are you already meeting those needs?

I think so, although I'm finding less and less humour as the days go by. What would once have been funny, is beginning to look quite sad. The absurdities behind them would naturally, I believe, have been whims, but have now in fact become fixations.

If no....what is keeping you from doing so?

Something existential, perhaps. As soon as I ask myself, What's the point, everything goes sterile.

And as a bonus question: if only someone else can fulfill one of your needs, what strategies do you use in order to get what you need?

For humour, I think I flirt. It's not intentional at first, but if there is a burning desire for it, my mind will naturally take the route when interacting with people. Male, female, whatever. It's quite intimidating to some, but if I get the right interactions, it's enlightening.

Upon all that, probably a reality check.

 

@Lady of Clockwork Why does the question 'what is the point' make everything go sterile for you? And isn't the answer 'to fulfill a need of mine' not a good enough answer in and of itself?

 

@Lady of Clockwork Why does the question 'what is the point' make everything go sterile for you? And isn't the answer 'to fulfill a need of mine' not a good enough answer in and of itself?

The answer is valid. It's roughly what I tell myself when nothing else comes to mind.

My fundamental viewpoints are built upon how everything is pointless and meaningless, yet I continue to sought or implement one by default. Perhaps that's why the needs I listed are simple and easily accessible.

 

Honestly, the only thing stopping me from getting my needs met is my avoidance of the absolute pain that is trying to remember what it is I need and actually attending to them, damn the imperfection at it. I hate failing and I go into states of fear and anger when I fail to meet my ideals. Also, heck if I know what I need. I need to attend to my feelings a lot more by watching movies, listening to music, sharing food, writing prose, writing music, walking in nature. The usual enneagram 4 stuff. Just not avoiding doing good stuff just because I'm not feeling it.

 

S/o, garden (with its accoutrements), piano, pen and paper, memories.

All needs met, thank you very much.

 

Agency. That's it. Thought I was fixed for life.

 

Pretty much.

 

Pretty much.

Twinsies!

 

What are your current needs?

Being myself.

Are you already meeting those needs?

Yes.

 

@Lady of Clockwork That sounds a bit like a Zen buddhist view on life. There is nothing to be done, there is no meaning to any of it. Are you inspired by that?

@Kirjuri You don't attend to your own needs because you can't feel clearly what your needs are? Pardon me asking, but how does one lead a fulfilling life if you can't figure out what it is you need and attend to it?

I understand the theory, but are you actually fulfilling all those needs @Hexigoon ?

 

I understand the theory, but are you actually fulfilling all those needs @Hexigoon ?

Can't say I am, honestly.
Maybe if I was to estimate a performance rating for each section it'd be something like this:

70% of Physiological
30% of Safety
20% of Love/Belonging
10% of Esteem
????% of Self-Actualization

 

I've been thinking of the same in the past year myself, only I did not think of them as needs. Better that I think of them as needs :tan: I was actually calling it Fi or developing my sense of self lol; that has probably made my journey longer.

I tend to adapt too or mold myself to fit. After a while life gets to be a drain this way; finding a calm spot in the storm is more worthwhile. Did you start to reflect on your needs because of this reason?

In this sense, I can answer yes I've met all my needs. All of the answers I've already found.
Some take practice, like working a muscle to get stronger.

There are other things, I realize, such as goals but the most needed are at the most basic: that which gets you through your day and to fulfill your plans.

And as a bonus question: if only someone else can fulfill one of your needs, what strategies do you use in order to get what you need?

Someone did this with me last week, and she simply traded. See, I would do a similar thing and I have spent half a year in this one subject, just for the fact that I sense I would be tied down, let's say to a relationship I don't want, if I ask a person I know for help. I will find a way to just do it alone.

 

I've been thinking of the same in the past year myself, only I did not think of them as needs. Better that I think of them as needs :tan: I was actually calling it Fi or developing my sense of self lol; that has probably made my journey longer.

How come did it make your journey longer?

I tend to adapt too or mold myself to fit. After a while life gets to be a drain this way; finding a calm spot in the storm is more worthwhile. Did you start to reflect on your needs because of this reason?

My life was turned on it's head basically. It forces you to reflect on life. What have I been doing? Was XYZ detrimental or helpful? Why? Was I taking care of myself yes or no? If not => how can I take better care?

Adaption can drain you, however it can also give you energy. If a (temporary) adaptation in my behavior makes somebody else happy then the happiness of the other can give me energy because it also adds to my own joy. I do think you should find a balance and don't always be the one that adapts. Also.....there are things I won't ever compromise on nor would ever adapt.

In this sense, I can answer yes I've met all my needs. All of the answers I've already found.
Some take practice, like working a muscle to get stronger.

Good for you!

Someone did this with me last week, and she simply traded.

Something like 'you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours?'. Ok. Makes sense.

See, I would do a similar thing and I have spent half a year in this one subject, just for the fact that I sense I would be tied down, let's say to a relationship I don't want, if I ask a person I know for help. I will find a way to just do it alone.

But you probably won't do that if asking for help is the easier way, right?

 

Sometimes I think all I need is a deck of cards to play Solitaire. It's when I'm playing Solitaire that I feel that way, of course.

 

@Euclid WOW! I never thought of it that way before....

 

@Despotic Ocelot I don't think anybody can argue with that!!!

 

if i'm being honest, i dont really think about it.
i have very few needs. although i can say i have a need for people to not just outright hurt me unless they want a bitch slap
but i am just happy with life and whatever comes my way.
if someone wants to talk then cool, if they dont then thats fine too.

I even forget to eat haha but then i remember again so its fine

i am a true believer that you should fulfill your own needs and not rely on others, that being said talking to yourself isnt really i guess a sane way of dealing with things

i had an ex who said he couldnt fulfill my needs once. i thought him funny at first. 1 how would he know what my needs were and how much arrogance does someone have to have before they are assuming your needs and 2 i have been self-sufficient for years even while married so really i wouldnt know what it was like to have someone else fulfill my needs.

idk

 

Needs? No need to need.

 

@Firelily There are lots of shades of grey between the views of being completely independent and being completely dependent on somebody else. I wouldn't advise anyone to rely completely on another person for getting your needs met yet I don't know if being completely independent works for me either.

I have a need to be heard, to be seen, to be physically touched. Intimacy is a need for me, which can be sexual but also just about having honest & heartfelt conversations for example. I have a need for connecting with other people. I am not the biggest people person in the world yet I am not a hermit too.

For all these things and more I do at least partly have to rely on other people.

I am curious to know why you believe that you don't have many needs....
How I look at is that we have more needs than we even realize....

 

the few needs i do have are filled by me or my family i guess. i'm very happy living in my own head. i guess i might have them but im not aware of them and people have told me i'm not a needy person. on the 5 love languages test i scored high of words of affirmation and thats it. i guess i have a need to have personal space and to love someone and do thinks for them??

 

I need to resolve many inner conflicts within myself, many of which are artifacts of the environment that produced me. So mostly I need time mixed with stability, mixed with a reasonable dose of (expected) uncertainty. I need to optimize all those factors. I like to think I am getting better at it all the time, but some of these internal mysteries are quite persistent.

 

@Firelily Doesn't needy mean => needs a lot of attention ??

To have needs and to be needy are two different things in my eyes.

 

there are many different ways to look at it and thats diffidently one of them :happy:

 

Love. Understanding. Meaningful conversation. Meaningful work. Regular contact with nature. Mental stimulation. Creative outlets. Decompression time.

For me, it’s always a struggle to keep balanced with what I need to do to keep up with the basics of life vs. the things that mentally refresh me.

 

Oh how I understand that challenge.....

Work for instance. I work to live, not live to work. Yet if you want to do the fun stuff in live liking traveling you need to work quite a few hours each week. So sometimes the work/free time balance is not right. Almost never got it right in my life. I hope to achieve that someday.

Also.....I love cooking.....I don't mind cleaning.....but if somebody would be my personal chef & maid for a small fee I would be so happy. The amount of extra time I could spend on reading, conversing, reflecting and walking/cycling in nature!