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The beginning stages of good INFJ romantic relationships?

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#42 ·
femalegamer said:
Personally, I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone that I didn't have some level of friendship with first, but you can take that with a grain of salt, as I am an INTJ, not INFJ. :)
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Nah, I agree with you - I like to look before I leap. It's a good way to make sure you and the other person will get along well. I'm not a fan of "surprises" in that respect.
 
#43 ·
Ethanol said:
I really second Alizar's recommendation on a dating site. It's something I've personally considered as of late. I mean lets be honest here, using a dating site can be very beneficial (logically):
1) you aren't limited by physical space (since the virtual world is a lot more easily accessible)
2) you have more control over what traits you like and don't like. For instance, you can screen out anyone who uses recreational drugs….etc…. That's 80% of the work done for you.

I have my reservations about using a dating site as well, but if I don't open up my level of comfort to try something new then the only result I COULD get is what I currently have… right? So why not give it a shot? What have we to lose?

Although you may not be able to get a clear view of someone through a website and stats, I would still give it chance. Sometimes people write profile pages that are several pages long with detailed descriptions. It's useful, it's not just about stats. For the serious relationship seekers, they put a lot of effort into their dating profiles; and you'll be able to tell that they 'care'. If you're interested in intuitively figuring somebody out, you could always 'Skype' them before meeting them in person?

I feel the same way about the "dating" vibe straight off the bat; not something I like and I'm trying to get around it. I don't like going into something with the idea that we're dating or looking to date. Friends first then.. dating; I'm more comfortable with that.

However I don't think you're alone in that thought. We don't know that there aren't people on dating sites who aren't already seeing/thinking "friends first, then love". Know what I mean?

Regardless.. you could always specify in your dating profile how you feel; that you're here firstly to find a friend and secondly to date. I think that's an accommodation the dating site / community can make =D Give it a shot, we've got nothing to lose.
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I also feel that dating sites are good, but be careful for these issues:

1. Don't try to fill in the gaps too much of what a person is not telling you on paper. If you romanticize them, you are bound to be let down. This is a huge trap for any intuitive.

2. People can be ambiguous/lie on websites, but trust is still essential. Let them prove that they aren't worth of your trust. Also, even if you have an inkling of a lie forming, be sure to question to find out for sure before drawing conclusions.

3. Don't talk forever with someone in messaging. Try to be open to meeting up fairly quickly, with the obvious open and safe environment.
 
#45 ·
balderdash said:
I think a big problem for me is prospective relationships are a scary thing anyway. And maybe part of me doesn't think anyone else is actually as interested in me as I am in them. Buuuut, that could get pretty deep. Maybe I'll take it to one of the shrink threads. :]

Maybe the internet is the best place for forming INFJ² relationships. I had some thoughts while at lunch with my brother and a friend of ours. Both extraverts. Both very good at talking and prying information from people. Both very funny guys. I was thinking, maybe I should look for someone online to bridge the awkward conversation portion of the getting to know someone stage. Even for friends, I usually make them at work where there is already something to break the ice. Well, either that or they are friends because they've known me since I was knee high to a grasshopper. So, perhaps the internet can be a good starting place for INFJ/INFJ relationships of both the romantic and non-romantic kind. We have more of a shield here than we do in person.
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I've noticed that INFJ seem extremely extroverted and playful online, but then not quite the same person. It wasn't bad for me, in fact I was extremely excited by a quiet pensive introvert with so much to say inside, but I think others might find it a little weird, like a different person was meeting up than who was writing the emails.
 
#48 ·
Frenetic Tranquility said:
3. Don't talk forever with someone in messaging. Try to be open to meeting up fairly quickly, with the obvious open and safe environment.
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What's wrong with talking to someone forever on messaging?

I read about this woman who was speaking to someone through Match.com and he ended up raping her =O That's kinda scary, so I would think meeting someone quickly is a bad idea.
 
#49 ·
Ethanol said:
What's wrong with talking to someone forever on messaging?

I read about this woman who was speaking to someone through Match.com and he ended up raping her =O That's kinda scary, so I would think meeting someone quickly is a bad idea.
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So basically she didn't follow the "obvious open and safe environment"? If she went through a whole date and went to somewhere less than safe with him, the conversation time in email is unlikely to have been of any consequence. I mean, sure emailing for a month before going on a date might scare away a rapist, but at that point I think you'd be left with *only* the *extremely* desperate guys, or ones who just type and think really fast and don't care, because they have 10 other women they are emailing too.
 
#51 ·
Well.. for the longest time, I never thought I'd find anybody.. I guess we all go through that phase.. I was just too picky and decided to give the next guy who walked into my life a chance. Biggest mistake/regret of my life, though it was not all in vain. This guy is a real creep he goes unmedicated for bi polar disorder, rage disorder, and ADD.. but he's quite honestly got a host of undiagnosed mental illnesses, he is a pathological liar [who will lie about just about anything] who I believe to be a sociopath and he's quite manipulative. It's some irony that when I finally decide to give someone a chance, actually the next guy to show an interest a chance, this is what I wind up with. Anyway, I had tried to break it off with him several times but he manipulated me into giving him several more chances.. (he threatened to kill himself, both of us, get my family involved, basically make the break up unbearable and never-ending, and trust me, I'm still dealing with repercussions for breaking up with him- I mean I think most of his "major" threats he had no intention of carrying out, but he still made a shitstorm of my life for a little while) and all the while I was falling for his friend, this is where I am somewhat (perversely) thankful for having gone through a wretched and hellish relationship- because it led me to a sort of love that is a storybook romance and something I never thought I'd find.

So things with this first (horrible horrible) guy lasted about a year, I flew out to San Francisco to visit my cousin.. while out there, I found the strength to end it for good and let him throw his tantrums and carry out his threats.. (which lasted a full year after that, and 2 years later I still run into him through mutual friends and he loves to rehash things with me. so obsessive.) I realized that I was missing "A" more than anyone else back home, and a bottle and a half of wine later I was pouring my drunken soul out via text message. It was 4AM his time, I couldn't wait til morning for his response.. I called him until he woke up (now I look like the obsessive one LOL) and told him he had a ton of messages and to only take them seriously if he felt the same way.. if not, to please pretend like it had never happened. It didn't take but 10 minutes for me to get a reply saying he felt the same way. We spent the remainder of my vacation dying to see each other.

My ex ended up getting furious. He had cheated on me multiple times with multiple girls, when I had remained loyal to him and tried to help him through his mental issues.. tried to help him better himself, and he basically slapped me in the face for it. Then he put me through hell for breaking up with him. He called the cops on me a couple times. He cornered me if he saw me around the neighborhood (new guy and ex live a street apart) and tried to "win" me back. He told me I was not allowed to be in "his" neighborhood without his permission. His mother harassed me several times and eventually (6.5 months after the breakup and after I had cut all ties to him) brought my father into it (I was not a minor). He told me I ruined his life and moved to Illinois for a year, where he had mutual friends tell me he was doing great, had a job, was going to culinary school, had a girlfriend [who he was just happy to hold in bed and didn't even try anything with, which is how I knew it was a crock of shit because he was not that sort of guy... I refused to let myself be alone with him most of the time.. ], etc. What was he really doing? Getting 3 DWIs, crashed his car, apparently did not go to culinary school, could not keep a job.. basically all the stuff he was doing here. He ended up coming back last fall. Now he pretends like he's over me but anytime we are at a mutual friends house, partying/whatever he has to bring up all these wonderful memories with me, in front of my current boyfriend, that quite frankly, I just don't remember. It was all sunshine and roses for him, it was the worst year of my life for me.

Okay so aside from the Ex creating havoc and trying to ruin our newly budding relationship (backtrack 2 years), it was absolutely wonderful. He really loves me. He has dreams about me when I'm laying right next to him. He is absolutely loyal. He has his own problems, ADHD and family issues, kinda "grew up a screw up" type of thing, but then again so did I, and we relate to each other on so many levels because of it. He is not the person I would choose for the rest of my life, for myself, because he doesn't have "it all figured out." I think that is one of the failures in my dream of the perfect man, because I don't think anyone has it all figured out. I think everyone is just as lonely and scared as the next person. We are opposites. He's a Sagittarius, I'm a cancer. Our relationship is not perfect. But if you ask me if he makes me happy, then the answer is yes. I know he loves me, I know he wants to provide for me. He's having trouble making his own path in life, but he's making baby steps. He's trying.

The beginning was pure magic too. Weak in the knees when we kissed, staying up all night to talk to each other and not running out of anything to say. Actually wanting to be with each other, even though we faced a long uphill battle with my ex. After we "came out" to our friends about dating and whatnot, they all said they saw it coming. They could just see it in our eyes, there was something there. It's kind of funny, cause it took us 6 months to even admit the possibility to ourselves.

I guess the biggest thing I've learned in my mistake is not to give just anyone a chance. I should have waited until I found someone I actually felt something for.. But then I might have never met my current boyfriend- and he might have never showed me what love can really be like. I think it was meant to be, I'm not sure about forever, but it's lovely for now.
 
#52 ·
sand_at_your_feet said:
Well.. for the longest time, I never thought I'd find anybody.. I guess we all go through that phase.. I was just too picky and decided to give the next guy who walked into my life a chance. Biggest mistake/regret of my life, though it was not all in vain. This guy is a real creep he goes unmedicated for bi polar disorder, rage disorder, and ADD.. but he's quite honestly got a host of undiagnosed mental illnesses, he is a pathological liar [who will lie about just about anything] who I believe to be a sociopath and he's quite manipulative. It's some irony that when I finally decide to give someone a chance, actually the next guy to show an interest a chance, this is what I wind up with. Anyway, I had tried to break it off with him several times but he manipulated me into giving him several more chances.. (he threatened to kill himself, both of us, get my family involved, basically make the break up unbearable and never-ending, and trust me, I'm still dealing with repercussions for breaking up with him- I mean I think most of his "major" threats he had no intention of carrying out, but he still made a shitstorm of my life for a little while) and all the while I was falling for his friend, this is where I am somewhat (perversely) thankful for having gone through a wretched and hellish relationship- because it led me to a sort of love that is a storybook romance and something I never thought I'd find.

So things with this first (horrible horrible) guy lasted about a year, I flew out to San Francisco to visit my cousin.. while out there, I found the strength to end it for good and let him throw his tantrums and carry out his threats.. (which lasted a full year after that, and 2 years later I still run into him through mutual friends and he loves to rehash things with me. so obsessive.) I realized that I was missing "A" more than anyone else back home, and a bottle and a half of wine later I was pouring my drunken soul out via text message. It was 4AM his time, I couldn't wait til morning for his response.. I called him until he woke up (now I look like the obsessive one LOL) and told him he had a ton of messages and to only take them seriously if he felt the same way.. if not, to please pretend like it had never happened. It didn't take but 10 minutes for me to get a reply saying he felt the same way. We spent the remainder of my vacation dying to see each other.

My ex ended up getting furious. He had cheated on me multiple times with multiple girls, when I had remained loyal to him and tried to help him through his mental issues.. tried to help him better himself, and he basically slapped me in the face for it. Then he put me through hell for breaking up with him. He called the cops on me a couple times. He cornered me if he saw me around the neighborhood (new guy and ex live a street apart) and tried to "win" me back. He told me I was not allowed to be in "his" neighborhood without his permission. His mother harassed me several times and eventually (6.5 months after the breakup and after I had cut all ties to him) brought my father into it (I was not a minor). He told me I ruined his life and moved to Illinois for a year, where he had mutual friends tell me he was doing great, had a job, was going to culinary school, had a girlfriend [who he was just happy to hold in bed and didn't even try anything with, which is how I knew it was a crock of shit because he was not that sort of guy... I refused to let myself be alone with him most of the time.. ], etc. What was he really doing? Getting 3 DWIs, crashed his car, apparently did not go to culinary school, could not keep a job.. basically all the stuff he was doing here. He ended up coming back last fall. Now he pretends like he's over me but anytime we are at a mutual friends house, partying/whatever he has to bring up all these wonderful memories with me, in front of my current boyfriend, that quite frankly, I just don't remember. It was all sunshine and roses for him, it was the worst year of my life for me.

Okay so aside from the Ex creating havoc and trying to ruin our newly budding relationship (backtrack 2 years), it was absolutely wonderful. He really loves me. He has dreams about me when I'm laying right next to him. He is absolutely loyal. He has his own problems, ADHD and family issues, kinda "grew up a screw up" type of thing, but then again so did I, and we relate to each other on so many levels because of it. He is not the person I would choose for the rest of my life, for myself, because he doesn't have "it all figured out." I think that is one of the failures in my dream of the perfect man, because I don't think anyone has it all figured out. I think everyone is just as lonely and scared as the next person. We are opposites. He's a Sagittarius, I'm a cancer. Our relationship is not perfect. But if you ask me if he makes me happy, then the answer is yes. I know he loves me, I know he wants to provide for me. He's having trouble making his own path in life, but he's making baby steps. He's trying.

The beginning was pure magic too. Weak in the knees when we kissed, staying up all night to talk to each other and not running out of anything to say. Actually wanting to be with each other, even though we faced a long uphill battle with my ex. After we "came out" to our friends about dating and whatnot, they all said they saw it coming. They could just see it in our eyes, there was something there. It's kind of funny, cause it took us 6 months to even admit the possibility to ourselves.

I guess the biggest thing I've learned in my mistake is not to give just anyone a chance. I should have waited until I found someone I actually felt something for.. But then I might have never met my current boyfriend- and he might have never showed me what love can really be like. I think it was meant to be, I'm not sure about forever, but it's lovely for now.
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I think the key here is, you took a chance and got yourself out there. Meeting people...lots of people....is a huge part of finding a great match! Not to mention, you probably had more exposure to the friend than you would have normally gotten from a few dates with him. If you just met him on a dating website and went on a few dates, you might not have seen him in the same light.

In all honesty I think the biggest mistake INFJ do make is that they haven't had enough time with someone to build the trust up, and really know someone. Too many conjectures and too few facts. Knowing someone legitimately can take years, especially an N. How could 2-3 dates of 3 or so hours ever suffice?
 
#53 ·
Frenetic Tranquility said:
So basically she didn't follow the "obvious open and safe environment"? If she went through a whole date and went to somewhere less than safe with him, the conversation time in email is unlikely to have been of any consequence. I mean, sure emailing for a month before going on a date might scare away a rapist, but at that point I think you'd be left with *only* the *extremely* desperate guys, or ones who just type and think really fast and don't care, because they have 10 other women they are emailing too.
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Well I dunno about that? I haven't met anyone off a dating site just yet but most of my friends that I've made online, there's always been an issue of distance that comes between that stops us from meeting each other in physical reality.

I know that one of my close friends I couldn't meet in real life until 4 years later when I moved to California to attend college; and I eventually did meet him and we're still friends to this day. So?

I don't know that meeting 'right' away is a good thing, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it... but I also think there's something to be said about someone who doesn't see any plans to wanting to meet you; however the distance between two people has a lot to do with it too. I don't necessarily think that guys who are willing to email you for months are desperate, I think for some people it's a matter of being picky/choosy or making sure that you really are the best choice.

It might be apparent to some but harder for others to tell? Who knows.

That's my two cents on it.
 
#54 ·
Ethanol said:
Well I dunno about that? I haven't met anyone off a dating site just yet but most of my friends that I've made online, there's always been an issue of distance that comes between that stops us from meeting each other in physical reality.

I know that one of my close friends I couldn't meet in real life until 4 years later when I moved to California to attend college; and I eventually did meet him and we're still friends to this day. So?

I don't know that meeting 'right' away is a good thing, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it... but I also think there's something to be said about someone who doesn't see any plans to wanting to meet you; however the distance between two people has a lot to do with it too. I don't necessarily think that guys who are willing to email you for months are desperate, I think for some people it's a matter of being picky/choosy or making sure that you really are the best choice.

It might be apparent to some but harder for others to tell? Who knows.

That's my two cents on it.
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Just keep in mind that if you are on a dating website, there is a pretense that you are interested in...well......dating.....that's why emailing for months doesn't work. There's too many other options, and you will only give the vibe that you aren't very interested (even if it's not true). INFJ is rare, so adapting to a non INFJ world, for a bit, behooves you. You certainly have the right to do whatever you want, no doubt, I am just trying to point out what I feel is effective in attracting men on dating sites.

I think that you might not feel comfortable meeting quickly (within 2 weeks, after about 4-5 email exchanges is my average) just because you haven't experienced it.
 
#55 ·
Frenetic Tranquility said:
Just keep in mind that if you are on a dating website, there is a pretense that you are interested in...well......dating.....that's why emailing for months doesn't work.
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Yeah I guess that's true ~ I can see what you're saying but I just take a different perspective on the matter so it allows for the months of conversing (not so much email, but IM). Email seems a lot more impersonal.

There's too many other options, and you will only give the vibe that you aren't very interested (even if it's not true).
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Oh yeah... I think that's true from the other person looking at me. *nods* Good point.

INFJ is rare, so adapting to a non INFJ world, for a bit, behooves you.
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It's way tough adjusting to other people's dating styles...bleh. The ones that expect something from me right off the back makes me feel panicky and claustrophobic; especially since I don't even have enough time to adjust to them.

You certainly have the right to do whatever you want, no doubt, I am just trying to point out what I feel is effective in attracting men on dating sites.
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Okay, point taken. I guess I'm not concerned about attracting men on dating sites as much as I am about attracting the right ones, but I feel like the right ones would want to try and understand me first before meeting me... or atleast try to, so yeah. I guess I'm aiming for a different crowd, I dunno. None the less I do understand what you're trying to say.

I think that you might not feel comfortable meeting quickly (within 2 weeks, after about 4-5 email exchanges is my average) just because you haven't experienced it.
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That's probably the case. Honestly I find it hard to focus on more than 1 guy at a time, so if 1 guy is slow on moving forward quickly then there's a backup that kinda occurs. I do think meeting soon is good because it doesn't leave room to 'imagine' someone as more than what they truly are...

In any case, good tips.
 
Discussion starter · #56 ·
Frenetic Tranquility said:
I have found the single best piece of advice for finding a relationship in general, and especially for INFJ, is being positive. Granted, not the easiest thing for INFJ, but practice helps. Maybe sign on a friendly ENTP to write emails for you. ;)
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Mmm, true that. I admit to having a lot in common with Liz Lemon, and her kill-joy singles event antics. Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day! :)
 
#57 ·
It starts with a gaze. You are attracted and in awe. Then shared penchants are introduced. Camaraderie ensues. After a while, little secrets are divulged to each other. Soon, it gets strictly platonic. Then there'll be tinges of romance. Very subtle efforts to ascertain whether the feelings are mutual. It could be gentle, accidental brushes of the hands. Or sweet, empathetic words. Or harsh, uncouth ones just to see what will piss you off. Sexual tension. You fall back and mellow out due to the things being said truthfully and honestly. They are like verbal sunshine, these words. It'll win you over eventually. In a daze, you end up kissing the person you wanted to kiss for a long time. And this is where the real deal begins.
 
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