Well, yeah. Feeling unlovable even as few people act in a way that seems to prove otherwise. Though, really, the mantra that's been going on in my head these days is this: Get over yourself, egotistical bitch. Inadequacies and what not, clearly he just pities you or sees you as merely a friend, a potential "let's roll in the hay and have some fun!" type of FWB.
I want to kill this version of me, the over-analyzing (and I say this now, it has become severely detrimental to my well-being) and constant devaluing/deconstructing whenever somebody wants to get close. Then don't brood over the fact that they're cautious about opening up more so, when you can't even love your fucking self.
There's this INFX dude that I've taken a liking to, but it is nothing sexual. I can't seem to take a liking towards someone in a sexual way if they don't open up to me. That's just how I tick, and I try to say fuck all, and just roll around with him but it never progresses much beyond cuddlez. I know, it _is_ my call as he's said so. But really, until I fix myself ... don't see him opening up anytime soon. Understandably so, but whatever feelings I have for him seems very passive and one-sided. I say this now, "understandably so..." but where does the anger go to? me. Not the unsupportive **** around me that drag me down, because let's face it - no one is a giver or a receiver but everyone is a giver and a receiver at the same time. So who am I to judge, others for the suffering they've unintentionally or not, inflicted onto me. Who am I to judge, myself so critically then? Wish I wasn't so fragmented, though. When you're living as a phony, trying to live up to these imaginary set of standards that would make you less "inadequate" but are realistically unobtainable at the present moment, well not all of them anyway. Do you just throw yourself away then, or get up and put on your own bootstraps? Why do my efforts seem futile, and I can never get out of this hole even as ropes are being thrown down to me? Because I put these inadequacies on a pedestal. Though, if I take these feelings of lack, away, I am fearful of what I might do or be.
Perhaps it is wise to just let go, let things be by just fucking letting go of all the self-hate, anger, feelings of inadequacy and god fucking damn it what will it take to shut my brain off.
