Relatively Sensitive INTJ

IamOpening · Feb 2, 2010

I am in a relationship with an INTJ. I told her about how I have abandonment issues, and she told me she has the same issues. What was surprising is that she actually gives me unprompted reminders that she cares deeply for me and won't leave me "until I grow sick of her."
I only know one other INTJ, and he is a nice guy, but I assumed (you might hate me for this) that INTJs don't pay much attention to feelings, especially the feelings of other people.
The really surprising thing is that she (also unprompted) was the first one to say the word love. Yesterday she said "I love you" out of nowhere, when I had been trying to wait until I knew without a doubt that I did love her. I thought it was odd that I was the one trying to rationalize love. Perhaps this is due to the fact that I place a greater importance on the word love? I don't know for sure. But, after she said it, I did feel comfortable saying it, but that's not important here.

Anyways, I just wanted to make the point that my INTJ can be a sweet person.
And I love her for who she is, even her tendency to be plainly insulting. I like that, it's refreshing, and it gives me an opportunity to learn how to be a little less sensitive.

Linesky · Feb 2, 2010

A more sensitive INTJ than its otherwise radicalized stereotype, it is possible. Welcome to the grey area. XD

IamOpening · Feb 2, 2010

LOL, being a 17 year old, I still have trouble at first recognizing gray areas. My father said a few years ago that teenagers tend to see only black and white. He is right. Although, I'm sure not ALL teens are like this. Haha, there is always a gray area. :happy:

Aßbiscuits · Feb 2, 2010

To me all those things I concentrate on things like work, improving things, organising things, that's just how I live.

Love is why I live.

knght990 · Feb 2, 2010

I tend to think most INTJs will share emotionally with the one person they care about.

wealldie · Feb 2, 2010

edn4792 said:
Anyways, I just wanted to make the point that my INTJ can be a sweet person.
And I love her for who she is, even her tendency to be plainly insulting. I like that, it's refreshing, and it gives me an opportunity to learn how to be a little less sensitive.

It sounds like this INTJ really likes you. As long as she doesn't get to the point of feeling smothered, it sounds like a good match.

Linesky · Feb 2, 2010

edn4792 said:
LOL, being a 17 year old, I still have trouble at first recognizing gray areas. My father said a few years ago that teenagers tend to see only black and white. He is right. Although, I'm sure not ALL teens are like this. Haha, there is always a gray area. :happy:

I've always found the grey more interesting. Where else will I get "new" ideas from? ("Exceptionals aren't really exceptional") Black and white is handy but gets boring after a while. And it really doesn't help to understand people or yourself. It just helps to categorize a world, but it's not very real on a personal level. At least that's how I see it.

Grey · Feb 2, 2010

Sounds like you may actually have a healthy INTJ. I find it actually an effort to reassure others, and often only with their prompting - it certainly seems like something an INTJ would have to develop.

Sweetish · Feb 3, 2010

"Women's intuition" comes in handy for INTJ. We do feel and we do sense emotion, there are simply cognitive functions that an INTJ has to decide to recognize and want to develop.

Healthy INTJs rock. I'm not quite there, yet, myself.

What you say about trying to rationalize love is an amusing reminder of behavior my ENFP husband and I often tend to do- we will compromise our personality thinking to meet the other person part way in how we communicate our love for the other, be it through intelligent conversation, showing physical/verbal affection, tidying up a room, being early to the movies or buying that person their favorite drink or magazine on our way home (we behave as the other person typically would hoping to make them more comfortable). It's good to a certain degree, but never overdo it, because it's possible to deny your own personality in the process which isn't healthy. She likes you because you are YOU. Remember that. You can adapt and make concessions, but just be yourself. People do change each other, but it's a slow process which only happens when a person decides they want to be a little different and it's done for the right reason (to be happy with yourself and who you are).

IamOpening · Feb 4, 2010

SweetSurrender said:
"Women's intuition" comes in handy for INTJ. We do feel and we do sense emotion, there are simply cognitive functions that an INTJ has to decide to recognize and want to develop.

Healthy INTJs rock. I'm not quite there, yet, myself.

What you say about trying to rationalize love is an amusing reminder of behavior my ENFP husband and I often tend to do- we will compromise our personality thinking to meet the other person part way in how we communicate our love for the other, be it through intelligent conversation, showing physical/verbal affection, tidying up a room, being early to the movies or buying that person their favorite drink or magazine on our way home (we behave as the other person typically would hoping to make them more comfortable). It's good to a certain degree, but never overdo it, because it's possible to deny your own personality in the process which isn't healthy. She likes you because you are YOU. Remember that. You can adapt and make concessions, but just be yourself. People do change each other, but it's a slow process which only happens when a person decides they want to be a little different and it's done for the right reason (to be happy with yourself and who you are).

I appreciate what you had to say.
As far as the personal changes, the ways I am changing are not facades or impersonations in order to win her approval. Rather, they are amendments to my overly-sensitive self, in order to personally handle romance better. Rather than feel great anxiety over her, I feel trust and compassion. I am not afraid she will abandon me, like I have been with every other lover. Her tendency to be frank has allowed me to shape myself into someone who is deeply caring, yet rational. The rationality feels really good, when considering my past emotion-cycles.

I am not changing to be someone that I am not. I am changing in a way that can be called "evolution." I am growing, maturing; learning how to handle romance in a healthier manner.

Wien1938 · Feb 7, 2010

I suspect that for INTJs, affection and the ability to express this depends on upbringing as well as inherent reservations.

I find that those of whom I am very fond (family, close friends, objects of romantic affection) I have no problems expressing my deep affections.

Linesky · Feb 11, 2010

Wien1938 said:
I suspect that for INTJs, affection and the ability to express this depends on upbringing as well as inherent reservations.

I find that those of whom I am very fond (family, close friends, objects of romantic affection) I have no problems expressing my deep affections.

Sounds very true to me.
Note "very fond of" also implies a solid bond

.

mystify529 · Feb 12, 2010

Showing affection, and saying sweet words don't come naturally for me so I have to take the effort and time to develop them. This doesn't mean that I don't have any concern whatsoever. It's just that I show it differently, in a way not commonly viewed by the public.

You are lucky to have a sensitive INTJ in your life. Or she might be a closet INFJ. Or 50-50. Or she just loves you enough to take the effort to be the best person she can be so your relationship may work.:wink:

Relatively Sensitive INTJ

IamOpening

Linesky

IamOpening

Aßbiscuits

knght990

wealldie

Linesky

Grey

Sweetish

IamOpening

Wien1938

Linesky

mystify529

Top Contributors this Month

Recommended Communities