What do ESFJ's think of ISTJ's?

aus2020 · Jun 29, 2011

My sister is ISTJ and her husband is ESFJ. I think this combination can work well because of the SJ similarity in communications. However, I don't think that type communications are the end all and be all. There are many other factors to be taken into consideration for compatibility.

Plaxico · Aug 22, 2011

I'm an ISTJ and I just liked/thanked the top two posts. Can't speak for everybody though. I'm also a type 9 and i'm mean when someone disrupts my "harmony" which honestly doesn't happen too often but i thought it was funny about the three topics "we" talk about.

Coherent · Sep 8, 2012

I've been in a relationship with a ESFJ for two and half years now, and things are going pretty smoothly. The only part of her that really gets me going is the F. Sometimes I just don't have the patience for it because it seems irrational to me that she feels that way. I mean there are somethings she has rightfully should be angry and sad about, but she gets so bent out of shape from subtle sarcasm [even though she is just as sarcastic with me], or plays the guilt game like I'm the problem, when like 10 minutes before her rant we are all smiles. ESFJ's need tons of affirmation, and while I think I give her plenty, she just can't get enough of it. I never put her down or get nasty with her, but when I criticize her method to whatever and she'll get all hot and bothered about me not understanding her feelings. Other than that we get along great.

And ISTJ's for the most part are pretty laid back. Sure we are stubborn in our opinions, but if someone can prove me wrong, I'll be the first to admit it. It doesn't seem like a ISTJ to storm out in a fit of rage. That is an emotion, and we don't typically showcase emotion like that.

lenabelle · Sep 8, 2012

Coherent said:
I've been in a relationship with a ESFJ for two and half years now, and things are going pretty smoothly. The only part of her that really gets me going is the F. Sometimes I just don't have the patience for it because it seems irrational to me that she feels that way. I mean there are somethings she has rightfully should be angry and sad about, but she gets so bent out of shape from subtle sarcasm [even though she is just as sarcastic with me], or plays the guilt game like I'm the problem, when like 10 minutes before her rant we are all smiles. ESFJ's need tons of affirmation, and while I think I give her plenty, she just can't get enough of it. I never put her down or get nasty with her, but when I criticize her method to whatever and she'll get all hot and bothered about me not understanding her feelings. Other than that we get along great.

And ISTJ's for the most part are pretty laid back. Sure we are stubborn in our opinions, but if someone can prove me wrong, I'll be the first to admit it. It doesn't seem like a ISTJ to storm out in a fit of rage. That is an emotion, and we don't typically showcase emotion like that.

Thanks to you and to Effay for writing about what it's like to be with an ESFJ from an ISTJ perspective. I find it really helpful. My ISTJ boyfriend and I have been together for a year now and we've actually never had a real argument because he never gets emotional enough to argue. I may come to him upset but he immediately gets to work finding a solution and in the face of his logic, I usually realize when I'm being irrational and I cool off. Or he'll realize he was wrong and will change his behavior. His only request is that we are completely open and honest with each other, which is something I am working on, since telling people you are unhappy with them is the last thing an ESFJ wants to do. Growing up in a household where arguing was the primary form of communication, I can't even fathom how we make this work, but somehow, it does.

About the affirmation though, yes, we need tons of it. There's no such thing as too much for us. This is something he is personally working on, as it's what ruined his past relationships (all with ExFx's). Do any ISTJs here have any experience in changing to be more affectionate?

Hunny Bunny · Sep 11, 2012

NeonBomb said:
My ESFJ mother has been married to my ISTJ father for twenty years.

Same here. My parents have been married for 49 years and they are very happy. She waits on him hand and foot though, so that helps. He has the tendency to be very selfish and closed minded, but I'm not going to say that's just an ISTJ thing. Any type could be like that.

gurlygurl · Sep 12, 2012

I have a brother who is ISTJ, and we have a very blunt and honest relationship, so at times we will be very good and at others we will be at each others throats. But ever since he married an ENFJ things have been a lot smoother sailing. She's perfect for him as she is great at unruffling his feathers. He definitely has/had a temper, it's gotten better over the years but I do remember the holes that he kicked in the walls and the nights he would throw our meal on the floor.

I also remember how at one point he tried to get me fired from my job..... I was SO mad that I couldn't even talk to him for a few months... I don't care how much you may think your sibling messed up [which I didn't] you simply don't get involved in trying to fire them. Ever.

But yeah.... I love him just the same in the end. Even though we definitely have our moments where we both want to wring each others necks. =P

think2much · Jan 2, 2013

chickpeaax said:
sounds like that ISTJ was a very unhealthy ISTJ. Most of them are lovely, you were just unfortunately to have found one of the worse ones...

Most of them have double lives. They pretend to be lovely until you get close to them. I can tell right away when someone is being fake. I'm always surprised when ppl can't figure that out. After awhile the true ISTJ comes out and I have the "I told you so" face. It's pretty simple to deal with ISTJs, treat them like dogs. ISTJs have this natural desire to be in control and boss around but they're not fit for that. I don't think they even realize the damage they're doing to themselves. OP just be straight up with them.

gurlygurl said:
But ever since he married an ENFJ things have been a lot smoother sailing.

I also remember how at one point he tried to get me fired from my job..... I was SO mad that I couldn't even talk to him for a few months... I don't care how much you may think your sibling messed up [which I didn't] you simply don't get involved in trying to fire them. Ever.

Can't see healthy ENFJ marrying a ISTJ. Of course ENFJ will admire the work ethic skills ISTJs have but that's about it. ENFJs are easy to humor but ISTJs are very very boring, not to mention ISTJs will ruin enfjs happiness which they don't like very much.

How did he try to get you fired? Why would you even accept a brother like that? I'm always so shocked how weak some female gender are. They stick with abusive husband/bf/brothers/friends. maby because I'm INTP but I cut ppl from their throat. They're out of my life in a snap. I'm never emotionally dependent on anyone. Unless I meet a nice NFs but they usually cut me off :dry:

lenabelle · Jan 2, 2013

think2much said:
Most of them have double lives. They pretend to be lovely until you get close to them. I can tell right away when someone is being fake. I'm always surprised when ppl can't figure that out. After awhile the true ISTJ comes out and I have the "I told you so" face. It's pretty simple to deal with ISTJs, treat them like dogs. ISTJs have this natural desire to be in control and boss around but they're not fit for that. I don't think they even realize the damage they're doing to themselves. OP just be straight up with them.

Wow, I genuinely feel sorry for you if that's how you feel about people you've never even met before. I know a few ISTJs and none of them are bossy in the slightest. They happen to be one of my favorite types for numerous reasons, and I'm sorry you can't see that.

think2much · Jan 2, 2013

lenabelle said:
Wow, I genuinely feel sorry for you if that's how you feel about people you've never even met before. I know a few ISTJs and none of them are bossy in the slightest. They happen to be one of my favorite types for numerous reasons, and I'm sorry you can't see that.

People I haven't met? I'm speaking from my personal experience with ISTJs. As friends I'm sure they don't come off as bossy and great listener but it's not genuine. They're very good at hiding their feelings/emotions, in fact they can come off as a great friend. Giving gifts, writing cards on birthdays. It's not a real relationship though, like I said I have a great talent on seeing ppl for what they are. Heck some guys can have fake relationship for years and girls will buy it. What I'm saying is MOST of time ISTJs is pretending and their true selves is horrible. They know this and they're miserable.
I guess if your ok with having fake friends they're great but I rather have 1 true friend than have 100 normal friends that I just hangout and talk to.

lenabelle · Jan 2, 2013

think2much said:
People I haven't met? I'm speaking from my personal experience with ISTJs. As friends I'm sure they don't come off as bossy and great listener but it's not genuine. They're very good at hiding their feelings/emotions, in fact they can come off as a great friend. Giving gifts, writing cards on birthdays. It's not a real relationship though, like I said I have a great talent on seeing ppl for what they are. Heck some guys can have fake relationship for years and girls will buy it. What I'm saying is MOST of time ISTJs is pretending and their true selves is horrible. They know this and they're miserable.
I guess if your ok with having fake friends they're great but I rather have 1 true friend than have 100 normal friends that I just hangout and talk to.

My long-time boyfriend is an ISTJ and I know what we have isn't just a "fake relationship". His father is an ISTJ, and my boyfriend's parents have a wonderful, loving marriage. I'm not even going to address the rest of the stuff you wrote because it's so ludicrous that you must be a troll. Not going to waste any more of my time arguing with you.

Das Brechen · Jan 2, 2013

Theatricality and deception are powerful agents to the uninitiated... but we are initiated, aren't we? Members of the League of ISTJs!

Seriously, I don't care if you met one or a million ISTJs. You lose when you give in to prejudice. Don't feed the trolls.

/pretentiousness

LovesLoubies · Jan 7, 2013

I'm married to an ISTJ.. whom I totally adore. He is LOYAL, funny, sweet and the least fake person I know. His friends love him and he's super close with his family.
Do we sometimes have issues because of my F and his T? Yes.. but if you really care about a relationship you figure it out.

Obviously...... I'm a fan of ISTJ's

wooster.sauce · Dec 30, 2016

My ESFJ mother told me sometimes that she thinks my ISTJ father doesn't love her, because when she is sad he becomes very cold and is often away with his books and turns the music on very loudly and closes the door and sometimes when she tries to talk to him he is sarcastically saccharine and then he goes back to readin his Kurt Vonnegut books
But also they have a lot of laughs together and I think he worries about her lots and he is so funny like

P.S It is funny how we are both of our parents have the same personality types, as INFPs

Is there a wider correlation, I wonder

Happy29 · Jan 1, 2017

One of my best friends is an ISTJ - there are definitely times my Fe causes issues in our friendship or causes us to have different opinions but he is one of the most honorable, nicest people I've ever met. I can't even picture him acting like the OP's former friend - getting very quiet when I want to loudly "discuss" something, sure, but walking out and leaving me somewhere - can't see it.

What do ESFJ's think of ISTJ's?

aus2020

Plaxico

Coherent

lenabelle

Hunny Bunny

gurlygurl

think2much

lenabelle

think2much

lenabelle

Das Brechen

LovesLoubies

wooster.sauce

Happy29

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