Battles were lost, but lessons were learned. Well shit.
@Assisi
I, to my shame, had actually forgotten that in the moment of sudden unexpected emotion I had created this thread, but now I have found it again and shall give the desired Information xD
We actually met over OkCupid, and I felt immensily attracted to that cute sweetness of her stating "I found out that I can kindle a hearthfire!" as her description, since it seemed so incredibly soft and friendly, so Infp-ish sweet-cute; she also wrote there, that she writes Stories as a Hobby, so I asked her if she would send me one or two of them to read. She did, and gladly I read them and gave detailed answers. Praised her for the way she managed to form words, build stories not step by step, but by chaoticly arranging random footprints that somehow ended up being a story; enjoyed the way it actually improved my own style of writing tremendously. Like, seriously, before I met her you'd feel like staring at a not particularily well made brick if you looked at the things I wrote. We then met for a coffee and talked a lot about different things; I also had, as I have to evilishly admit, let her do the test rather early, so I was able to "cheat" and adapt the words I was choosing, from my direct and factual language into the more dreamy, the "maybe"- language that the INFP's I've met so perfectly use and cherish. Did it work? Well, yes, certainly. We made progress, she told be about the three boyfriends she had before me, about traumas, how she shut herself away from the world; meanwhile I did my "tests", as you could call them, to determine if, and if, what, I feel. You see, it takes a long time for me to feel at all, a feeling is kind of the pinnacle of a ridiculously long thought process, accompanied with trial-and-error gathering of data.
I mean, I even managed to organise a little event with several of my enfp friends, just to squeeze every tiny bit of information out of them afterwards xD
But, I suppose the, uh, problem kind of solved itself at this point. While I was on a snowboarding vacation, she mentioned something about leaving germany for several years rather acutely, since she didn't feel alright with herself, felt disgusted by anything potentially sexual ( not person-specific), and I realised quite drastically that I did not want her to leave. And this I told her in one of our long, long mails, and I wrote it as indirect, as open and as questioning as I somehow could. About questions I had asked myself, one of those being if she could possibly imagine our friendship to evolve to something higher one day; maybe formulated a tad more eloquent. Mainly because I lack the vocabulary in english, german is better suited for this kind of stuff in my opinion. Anyways, the answer came, with great care and empathy, that she could not possibly enter a relationship at this point, that it definitely is not my fault and that our friendship is even more valuable to her than the relationships she had, and that she doesn't even know. And that's the status at the moment, both of us, well, we don't know. I feel like there is a net of knots in her Fi, a connection of little things, connected by a bigger evil, stacking up to some kind of Gordian knot, that I have not the might of cutting on my own.
So, basically we are having a platonic relationship that we call friendship, in which I try to unfiddle those knots - knowing, that I, should I fail to do so, will leave her shattered more than she has been before, when my own feelings grow too strong and I have to retreat in order to not run into the eternal knife that is love.
Lawd, that's cheesy. Hope it got the job done though, thank all of you for your answers- hopefully you will have more luck in that matter.
*commits sepuku*
