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Communication with ISTJ boyfriend - from ENFP girl

[ISTJ]
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communication conversations enfp girl istj and enfp istj male love relationship
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#41 ·
(Buckeye)
The whole grass *might* be greener on the other side fears and only seeing things in the here and now. Usually we grow out of this in time, as you said usually sometime after college. I realized I actually was ready and wanted to settle down around 25, though I desired it much younger I wasn't emotionally ready.
When I was a teenager or young adult I had big dreams, still do to a degree,( as long as those dreams don't interfere with my family life), but I actually settled down and got married by 21, which surprised me that I'd make that kind of permanant jump so soon (1yr of dating). But, 12.5 yrs of marriage later and I'm still dedicated to him- no chasing after butterflies and other distractions for me, not that it's always been easy. All relationships are difficult.
(Buckeye)
I've noticed with my boy that his biggest fear, as you mentioned above is losing me, disappointing me, realizing that I don't love him and care about him as much as he does me. It's taken a lot of trust for him to overcome that. And a lot of personal soul searching for me to grasp the depth of his love. But there is a mutual understanding between us that neither of us have any plans of going anywhere and that we are committed to each other and this relationship.
My Husband has always had similar fears. For years he'd have nightmares about me leaving him. He sees me as his treasure, which I think is amazing! I think that fear is part of what makes him not quite so great at sharing me. He doesn't want anyone else, and he doesn't want anything to interfere with my wanting to be with him. His nightmares did go away as our love matured and he saw my dedication to him.
(kdr85)
This is very true. I've fallen in love many times, or what love is to me. I could say "Let's go to Vegas." and I wouldn't have second thoughts. I think one of our biggest fears is that we will never find someone that loves us as much as we love them. And we don't ever lie.
That may be one of that types biggest fear but, I think the reality is the good ones will be much loved. People express love differently, but that doesn't necessarily mean LESS love. Know what I mean? I hope that makes sense. :wink:

Yeah, I know that every type is gonna be stifled in some way or another.Whatever people don't understand about you, they're gonna tell you! You said you hear and hate people saying to you "you're too shy!" I was wondering if you hear that other annoying cliche :" You're too nice!"
That's cool for you that you've met someone on your wave length! That would be nice! the closest I've come to that is my ENFJ Sister, but, it's still a little different. Yeah, my ISTJ bro-in-law understands my Husband enough to stand up for him when my Sister and I would be close to getting upset with my Husbands tendancy to get short and snappy by the end of the night when we visit, by saying "He's just tired", "He's just hit a wall", and things like that that calm and prevent us from over-reacting. Or they can sit for hours watching movies or shows, ( like Psych) that seem a touch more boring and dry that normal, to me, anyway(lol ;-)) with eachother, making similar comments and laughing similarly and enjoying themselves together in a way that's really cool to see!
 
#45 ·
thosewhodanced said:
I'm sorry if anything I said offended/annoyed you, I really did not intend it to. Is there anything you would like clarified/you would like to point out in particular, or do you legit just don't have anything further to say?[

Stop apologizing! You've done nothing wrong whatsoever! All you did was to open a thread and speak openly and honestly. You've insulted no one. However people take your words, that's their business. That's on them. You're fine.
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Discussion starter · #46 · (Edited)
MelBel said:
LOL!!! WOW! Well, there you go!
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Well, to be honest, my communication style doesn't always match everyone else's (hence the OP... haha) so it's quite possible that I/you/anyone else just miscommunicated something at some point during our epic spieling. Or as an ISTJ he might just honestly have nothing further to say, so he's just honestly telling us that. @kdr85 please kindly clarify. (Personally I just don't like breaking off on awkward/sour notes.)
 
Discussion starter · #47 ·
MelBel said:
Stop apologizing! You've done nothing wrong whatsoever! All you did was to open a thread and speak openly and honestly. You've insulted no one. However people take your words, that's their business. That's on them. You're fine.
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I apologise for apologising but I can't help but want to try to make sure that everyone is ok. It's just my thing!
 
#48 ·
thosewhodanced said:
Well, to be honest, my communication style doesn't always match everyone else's (hence the OP... haha) so it's quite possible that I/you/anyone else just miscommunicated something at some point during our epic spieling. Or as an ISTJ he might just honestly have nothing further to say, so he's just honestly telling us that. @kdr85 please kindly clarify. (Personally I just don't like breaking off on awkward/sour notes.)
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No, that's not it. I've read everything said, and none of it was controversial. I wouldn't worry about him clarifying. I think that what he said was what he meant. Not out of offense, but out of awkardness.
 
#49 ·
Argh, you noobies need to learn how to properly quote other members, I can't follow your conversation for the life of me!!!
 
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#51 ·
thosewhodanced said:
*Stalks @BuckeyeENFP to see how she does it*

Drop us a ProTip? :) Or did I just miss it somewhere in the PerC newbie article/thread.

At least we're on track about the thread topic regarding miscommunication from ENFP girls haha.

*Runs*
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Haha, ah don't worry it took me a while to figure it out too. Make sure you quote someone by using the Reply with Quote or the "+ button (for multiple post quotes) when you want to quote someone. That way it puts the quote separate in a box and it alerts the person you quoted that they were quoted.

You got the mentions right, putting the username after the @ sign :)

I just kept getting confused which things you said and which things @MelBel said, that's why I said that. I'm not mad, it just makes things messy and confusing. The poor ISTJs, we're ruining their forum decorum.....
 
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#52 ·
MelBel said:
When I was a teenager or young adult I had big dreams, still do to a degree,( as long as those dreams don't interfere with my family life), but I actually settled down and got married by 21, which surprised me that I'd make that kind of permanant jump so soon (1yr of dating). But, 12.5 yrs of marriage later and I'm still dedicated to him- no chasing after butterflies and other distractions for me, not that it's always been easy. All relationships are difficult.
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There's nothing wrong with having big dreams, though I can imagine getting married at 21 put a damper on much of those. I still do have big dreams, though now those future decisions are looked at in the context of my relationship. At 21 I was finishing college working my ass off on my thesis and barely had time to sleep let alone date. At 22 I was starting a PhD program in a very intense biomedical field, so settling down in that chaotic lifestyle was never going to happen. I left the program, switched fields and moved back home with my parents while doing a different degree. I dated here and there during that time but being in your mid-twenties, working as a nanny full-time and going to grad school full-time, and living at home with your parents isn't an attractive quality. So it really wasn't until I was 26 and got my first "professional" job in my field and moved to NYC that I was actually in a place where settling down with someone was possible. I actually met my boyfriend online after I had been living in the city for about 5 months, and that was after doing online dating for a record 2 weeks!!

My Husband has always had similar fears. For years he'd have nightmares about me leaving him. He sees me as his treasure, which I think is amazing! I think that fear is part of what makes him not quite so great at sharing me. He doesn't want anyone else, and he doesn't want anything to interfere with my wanting to be with him. His nightmares did go away as our love matured and he saw my dedication to him.
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It's one thing for your hubby to see you as a treasure and something that should be cherished and protected, but I would be very concerned at the controlling aspect. Tonight I fly back to Ohio for 6 days, and last night/this morning my boyfriend was really upset and didn't want me to go. But he knows I can't not go, and he's happy to take me to the airport tonight and kiss me goodbye. Sure it's tough being away from him and him away from me, and if he was able to take more time off of work and fly home with me he would (we are flying back Labor Day weekend), but he can't and we deal with it. He would never tell me I couldn't do something.

Actually, last month the day after my boy's birthday I had a conference to go to out of town for a week. When I realized it I felt so torn because while this was such an amazing opportunity I felt horrible about missing his birthday. He was the one who pushed me to go actually. Yes, he was sad I was missing his special day/weekend, but he knew this was something I couldn't turn down. He had a party when I was gone and everyone was bummed I wasn't there but he was so proud of me going to this conference.

As for nightmares, I don't think my boy has ever had that big of fears, that seems pathological to have nightmares about that. But it's definitely something that nags him in the back of his mind.
 
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#53 ·
BuckeyeENFP said:
Argh, you noobies need to learn how to properly quote other members, I can't follow your conversation for the life of me!!!
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I don't understand this statement. The only time I've veered away from the typical reply with quote, is when I'm responding a number of specific things from different people, which I actually learned from you and that guy,so...
 
#54 ·
MelBel said:
I don't understand this statement. The only time I've veered away from the typical reply with quote, is when I'm responding a number of specific things from different people, which I actually learned from you and that guy,so...
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I realize now it started with a single post (http://personalitycafe.com/istj-for...-duty-fulfillers/148409-communication-istj-boyfriend-enfp-girl.html#post3785405) that you made and that people were quoting that but there were no quotes so you couldn't tell who said what because it looked like you said things that @thosewhodanced said. And then @kdr85 said this: http://personalitycafe.com/istj-for...-duty-fulfillers/148409-communication-istj-boyfriend-enfp-girl.html#post3787169 and it made it even worse.

I was just really confused for awhile because I couldn't figure who said what....
 
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#55 ·
BuckeyeENFP said:
I realize now it started with a single post (http://personalitycafe.com/istj-for...-duty-fulfillers/148409-communication-istj-boyfriend-enfp-girl.html#post3785405) that you made and that people were quoting that but there were no quotes so you couldn't tell who said what because it looked like you said things that @thosewhodanced said. And then @kdr85 said this: http://personalitycafe.com/istj-for...-duty-fulfillers/148409-communication-istj-boyfriend-enfp-girl.html#post3787169 and it made it even worse.

I was just really confused for awhile because I couldn't figure who said what....
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Oh, yeah, that's true. I guess I had a bit of that confusion a couple times as well :)
 
#56 ·
Yes. I don't know how to use reply with quotes. I am not sour about anything :happy: I just REALLY didn't have anything else to say. If I didnt saying ANYTHING then that would have been awkward. I am hardly ever on a computer so I can't get on here all the time to reply to your questions.
 
#57 ·
kdr85 said:
Yes. I don't know how to use reply with quotes. I am not sour about anything :happy: I just REALLY didn't have anything else to say. If I didnt saying ANYTHING then that would have been awkward. I am hardly ever on a computer so I can't get on here all the time to reply to your questions.
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But, there was no expectation for you to keep coming back for more.
 
Discussion starter · #58 · (Edited)
Haha classic.

ISTJ: *Practical point.*

ENFP: But why did you make that point? What's the underlying reason?

ISTJ: It's just my point.

ENFP: Are you sure I didn't make you mad?

ISTJ: Stop overthinking. It's just a point.

Conversely, I also get this situation -

ENFP: *Hypothetical abstract spiel*

ISTJ: *Picks one tiny part of the spiel* why did you make that point? Are you thinking of breaking up with me?

ENFP: No no no! It's just hypothetical. As a scientist/artist/journalist/actor/writer/iNtuitor/whatever I have to consider all hypotheticals, even if they are not my own view or first preference. I'm just exploring the possibilities.

ISTJ: I don't see the point in doing that.

ENFP: It's just for fun. I find the concept of multiple possibilities positively fascinating. Don't you?

ISTJ: *Doesn't answer last question because he/she is still stuck on the first part* You just said it was because you're a scientist/etc.

ENFP: Sigh. Yes, that, but I find it fun too. You don't?

ISTJ: No. I have nothing further to say.
 
#60 · (Edited)
Communication with my ISTJ:

-Succinct, unless he's talk about something that's upset him or me, or about things that happened at work, or his party days... ;-)
-Wise, when giving his perspective or advice. He's very observant.
-He's amassed a good amount of useful and useless info, and is great with Trivia, etc. I think he'd do great on many game shows that correlate with those skills.
-Quiet and shy, but often loves social situations, especially when there's beer or something to ease anxiety and relax him, then he's all good, and can talk fine and be comfortably sociable!
-Communicating with him while his game or a movie is on is useless- he will not hear you, and doesn't want to be bothered til it's over!
- He's willing to give comfort when needed, and is caring, but his words can be few. He's a pretty good listener. I've done a lot of healing because of him <3 :happy:
-Well, I heard that ISTJs can have anger management issues, and that had the ring of truth, based on my intimate relationships with a few ISTJs,... anyway, a decent amount of his communication is loud, angry, mumbly.. I love him anyway!:wink:
- He doesn't like most questions, especially not a lot of them, beyond, like, "what's your favorite color", etc. it was not easy for me to get him to take the Meyers/ Briggs test! He did take it and it turned out I was right about his personality type :) I guess that's to be expected when we've been together for so long!
-He's very keen on having the last word-lol! If it wasn't so amusing to me, it would drive me crazy!

I think that might be the extent of my communication with my ISTJ with an emphasis on his part of it. I think it's easy to tell that I'm much more talkative, and it goes with out saying! :wink:
 
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